Archive for September, 2012

War-Gods of the Deep

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on September 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

War-Gods of the DeepMade in 1965, War-Gods of the Deep is also known as The City Under the Sea. I like War-Gods of the Deep as it sounds more metal. The City Under the Sea seems too smooth jazz.

Under the water off the coast of Cornwall is an entire submerged city full of guys, some of whom look like distant relatives of the Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954). Breathing a mixture of oxygen and fish farts which allows them to live way longer than they normally would, these “war-gods” have some double trouble bubbling all around them.

War-Gods of the DeepThere’s an underwater volcano that’s about to blow, wrecking their liquid lifestyle. Secondly, top-siders have infiltrated their grotto to rescue this really hot chick with big pontoons who looks just like Capt. War-God’s wife from, I don’t know, a million years ago. There’s also a pet chicken named Herbert, who gets stuffed into a diving suit with his owner/primary caretaker. Besides being clucked up (heh), a grown man with a chicken in his sea suit was a little uncomfortable to watch.

The land walkers manage to escape by walking away in diving suits while fish men and a few other sea dwellers in diving suits because they haven’t developed their gills yet, go after them. Here’s how smart they are: the war-gods use crossbows to shoot wooden arrows at the escapees/barn yard fugitive. They get about two feet and then float to the surface. Ineffective, to say nothing of being wasteful.

War-Gods of the DeepA fantastical premise with effects ranging from believable (chickens do not need to decompress after being under water), to unbelievable (where does toilet water go when you flush in an undersea city?). Cool movie sets and a whole lot of clucking help distract from the fact that there really isn’t much of a story. Still, fishmen with crossbows and an aqua-chicken. Kinda cool.

Vampire Lovers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , on September 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Vampire Lovers

It’s always important to the plot when a female vampire takes off her clearly uncomfortable clothing, to say nothing of the entertainment value. Such is the case with 1970’s social groundbreaking The Vampire Lovers, which features a bold display of all of the above.

Mircalla Karnstein is a 19th Century noblewoman and a vampire. So what, she’s hot. Mircalla uses her sex appeal to entice young hot chicks all over the countryside, makes out with them, then bites them on the boob. Cereal juice doesn’t come out, but blood does.

The Vampire LoversGeneral von Spielsdorf, whose own daughter has been boob-bitten, has only a short window of time to stop Mircalla, who is now calling herself Carmilla. (She’s so sexy, you could call her roast beef and she’d still give you 19th Century wood.)

Baron Hartog, who sliced off the heads of the entire Karnstein vampire clan back in the day, is called to assist and provide gory backstory. Turns out, Hartog screwed up on his head count, which left Mircalla/Camilla free to take off her clothes and do it with other hot chicks. And by do it, I mean bite them on the boob after they do it.

The Vampire LoversWide use of see-through gowns, a few boob shots, several graphic decapitations, and blood so red as to come from a tomato sauce jar. Man, all this talk of lesbian vampires, boob biting and tomato sauce is making my mouth water uncontrollably.

Dinosaurs and Drunk Rodeo Clowns

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on September 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Valley of GwanjiIf I were to give a name to a dinosaur, it wouldn’t be Gwangi, star of the 1969 sci-fi/fantasy/western adventure, The Valley of Gwangi. A much better – and more marketable name – would be Chomposaurus, Rage-o-saur, or Mega something. But as dinosaur titles go, Gwangi works more effectively than, say, Bob or Mr. Chew.

The Valley of GwanjiIn The Valley of Gwangi (also known as Gwangi, The Lost Valley, The Valley Time Forgot, and The Valley Where Time Stood Still), the problem with running a Wild West Rodeo Show is that you constantly need new attractions to keep the tourist fun bucks rolling in, like drunk clowns, miniature show ponies and dinosaurs.

The Valley of GwanjiFinding a hidden valley loaded with drunk rodeo clowns – and dinosaurs – a bunch of cowboys rope one ’o them Allosaurus prehistoric monsters and gives the reluctant beast a career in show business.

The Valley of GwanjiAfter a stink gypsy frees the show-stopping reptile, the murdering Allosaurus, or “Gwangi,” takes out an elephant and some other people, one of which is probably his agent. Not sure how Gwangi, a cowboy and a kid end up in a church, but where better to repent your elephant killing ways? God’s wrath comes in the form of faulty load bearing beams and cleansing fire.

The Valley of GwanjiFun AND believable, especially the part where the cowboys on horseback circle Gwangi and rope him like a drunk rodeo clown. Barnum & Bailey™ should think about adding dinosaurs to their traveling roadshow. That’d be awesome.

Tormented By A Ghost Chick

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , on September 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

TormentedChicks with vendettas make for entertaining horror movies. Take the loose marbled gal in 1960’s Tormented; with her nagging from beyond the grave, she really raised the bar on the whole “Hell hath no fury” thing.

Tom Stewart is a renowned jazz pianist with a problem – he only knows how to play jazz. Sorry, that’s not it. Tom lives on an island (a regular one, not the Gilligan’s Island version), and has a part-time girlfriend who, while gorgeous (she’s got this ’50s pin-up calendar thing going on), is psycho jealous.

TormentedTom is engaged to Meg, whose parents are rich. And since no one in the world has ever made a sustainable living playing jazz, it’s a sound business move. But Vi, the hot-but-brain broke groupie, is having none of that.

An argument atop an abandoned lighthouse leads to the railing giving away and Vi going over, metaphorically hanging on in a death grip like she’s been doing to Tom. But her hold on the broken rail was about as firm as her grasp on reality, and she plummets into the ocean. Problem solved – until she comes back as a ghost promising to haunt Tom for the rest of his life. What is it with scorned chicks, anyway?

TormentedOver the course of the next week, Vi shows up and ghost nags Tom. He’s the only one who can hear her, so the torment is non-stop. The best part is when she appears as a disembodied head and keeps shouting over and over, “Tom Stewart killed me, Tom Stewart killed me…” He grabs her head, wraps a towel around it and chucks it in the ocean. Hey, it worked before. There’s only one way for Tom and Vi to be together forever, and that’s to FALL for each other. Ahem.

But there is no happy ending, which is messed up. This is what we in Jazz call “ending on the down beat.”

Tormented

Classic Plague Carrier

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , on September 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nosferatu: A Symphony of HorrorNosferatu comes from the Greek word “nosophoros,” which means “plague-carrier.” Some of you may have ex girlfriends/wives/rent-a-dates that are Nosferatus. For everyone else, it means someone with that name is a vampire. There, I said it.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror, is the name of the famous 1922 vampire movie, starring Count Orlok, the flour white face that started the entire Goth movement that still resonates within shopping mall stores and after school social gatherings.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of HorrorIn tribute to Nosferatu, one of the greatest horror moving picture shows of all time, comes a limited edition (70) screen printed poster (two color variations) for only $75. It measures 24” x 36” and was printed in blood and Absinthe (OK, not really). Offered by Change The Thought, the poster goes on sale Thursday, September 13 at random times throughout the day. Click HERE to get ONLY ONE per household.

If you weren’t aware, Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror is also known as Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens. I don’t know what that means. Nosferatu is what they called Dracula before Dracula starting calling himself Dracula. (I know, I struggled with that sentence for, like, an hour.)

Nosferatu: A Symphony of HorrorReal estate agent Thomas Hutter has a new client, Count Orlok. Hutter has to go all the way to the Carpathian mountains to get him to sign some papers on a condo purchase that happens to be across the street from Hutter’s pad. And Orlok, who so happens to be a “bird of death” (1920’s term for vampire) is hot for Ellen, Hutter’s wife. Her neck, anyway.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of HorrorThe mega creepy Orlok, who looks like he’s been at a rave for the last 300 years, casts extra long shadows and rises from his coffin as if an ironing board being deployed. The townsfolk are seriously gooned out by Orlok and, by reading The Book of Vampires, does Ellen discover how to vanquish this white-faced ghoul: she has to offer him her blood – sipped from a clean neck – to distract him from the impending sunrise. Daylight makes Orlok take up smoking, if you get my drift.

Nosferatu: A Symphony of HorrorThis German silent film is one super cool f’d up creep fest. If you’re Goth, emo or just bi-curious, you need to see where Dracula got his groove.

Robo Vampire

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Witches with tags , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Robo VampireRobo Vampire (1988) is part of those Eastern Horror series that packages previously low-budget kung-fu monster schlock into something twice that. Pretty clever – I went out and bought the darned thing based on the cover alone. Some days my star doesn’t shine that bright.

The movie’s title throws you under the bus – you have a Robo Cop (cool idea – wish someone would’ve thought of that before) and a vampire doing battle. So you can see why Robo Vampire is so confusing, and by virtue thereof, upsetting.

Robo VampireKilled in the line of duty, a narcotics agent is given an extension cord on life as the by-product of an experimental experiment that turns him into an Androibot – half androi/half bot. Making clanking foot steps (even on sand), this metallic law enforcer goes after a gang of drug dealers who use vampires to smuggle heroin (a drug that looks suspiciously like rice flour).

Robo VampireAs a back-up precaution a wizard hired by the drug lords has a super vampire in his employ that looks like a gorilla wearing a kimono. This doesn’t sit all too well with the super vampire’s fiancee, a witch ghost.

Scheduled to be married prior to intolerant parents killing them both, Peter (super vampire) and Christine (witch ghost) agree to obey the wizard’s commands if he’ll perform an unholy marriage ceremony.

Robo Vampire

While this wrongness is going on, Androibot has his hands full, shooting drug dealers in the skin. All this, of course, leads up to the big kung fu showdown between Androibot, Peter and Christine.

Japanese vampires – even ones that look like gorillas – can’t walk, so they hop all over the place. Androibot is clumsy, but at least he has an endless armament of bottle rockets shooting out from his stylish kimono sleeves.

Christine flashes her boobs and levitates, but she’s pretty much in the way. A hard-fought battle ensues and when the dust clears only Androibot and a few drug dealers not yet shot in the skin are left standing.

This sounds suspiciously like a script I wrote after doing some lines of rice flour.

Teenagers From Outer Space

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , on September 10, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenagers From Outer SpaceIn Teenagers From Outer Space (1959), a flying saucer lands on Earth with the intent to sample the atmosphere/feeding conditions for their pet Gargons. These creatures look EXACTLY like lobsters, which suggests those delicious crustaceans originally came from outer space. I, for one, buy into this theory.

Teenagers From Outer SpaceLeft overnight, a test Gargon grows to the size of a basketball hoop with pinchers. One Earth-hugger alien, who looks like Harry Connick, Jr. in a spacesuit (with matching belt and white boots), wants to protect the inhabitants (us), and mutinies.

Teenagers From Outer SpaceWhile the UFO goes to get more Gargons, a “kill ’em all” officer is left behind to get him, using a ray gun that turns animals and people in pure white skeletons. I doubt very much my skeleton would be that white, no matter how many times it was washed.

Teenagers From Outer SpaceMost of Teenagers From Outer Space is a chase movie, with people looking up at the sky and saying, “There must be hundreds of those ships getting ready to land.” Due to budgetary constraints, they don’t show any of ’em. So how the hell am I supposed to buy what they’re selling? I want to believe, people.

And the Gargon? Someone took a lobster, held it up in front of the camera and wiggled the hell out of it while Harry Connick Spaceman uses the skeleton gun hooked up to phone lines to blast the Gargon’s shell into bait. There were at least 17 things wrong with that last sentence. More so with this cheap-o sci-fi cash-in. And because of it, I lost my taste for buttery lobster. Those a-holes.

Sex Medusa

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on September 9, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sex MedusaSex Medusa is a sexy Asian horror movie released in 2001 that has more sex than horror. I find that to be perfectly acceptable under the circumstances.

Wandering around the underground sewage waterways of Hong Kong, a team of biologists in haz-mat suits and flame-throwers discover a pile of basketball-sized eggs. They burn ’em all instead of studying or eating them. Too late – one has hatched and has come up through the sewer as a giant snake, which instantly turns into a nude Asian hottie.

At night, she wanders the city streets unclothed and unnoticed(!), finding a comfortable alley and some cushion-y garbage to sleep on. The next morning she’s discovered by a retired wealthy guy who takes her in because he doesn’t have a wife. (He ran her and her cat over in his car while stinkingly drunk.) He wants to have sex with this naked chick but he can no longer become “as bamboo” due to the psychological damage he suffered from plowing into his wife at 50 mph.

Sex MedusaThey eventually bump uglies, he knocks her up (which was her plan), all the while loan sharks are coming for him due to unpaid gambling debts. But his supermodel assistant has figured out who and what Shit Fong really is. (That’s Snake Woman’s human name in the movie. That’s gonna make me think twice about going to a Japanese restaurant from this point until FOREVER.)

The finale, complete with animated cartoon snakes wiggling on Shit Fong’s head, is horrendously lousy and will no doubt cause great shame to those that watch it. Including myself.

Stuff that equals cool: Shit Fong is naked a lot of the time. Not cool: Her name. Cool: She has non-committal sex. Not cool: It’s all PG-rated action. Cool: She eats eggs whole and sucks on dead chickens. Not cool: The eggs and chickens weren’t cooked.

Monsturd is Craptacular

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , on September 8, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

MonsturdMonsturd – a word that’s cleverly derived from “monster” and “turd” – came out in 2009. It’s about a monster made of, uh, you know. In other words, to watch this schlock horror movie will be a WASTE of your time. Heh.

Jack Schmidt, a convicted serial killer, escapes prison, only to end up in a sewer where an evil scientist has dumped rapidly multiplying bacteria juice. Hey, he was doing it in the name of science.

Not only did the bacteria eat away Jack’s entire flesh, but bonded with his DNA – as well as the other, um, gunk in the sewer. This morphed him into a 12-foot pile of the stuff that comes out of your rear disposal. Navigating through toilets to continue his previous life’s work, Jack is pursued by cops, the FBI and the evil scientist who created him.

MonsturdA butt load of poo jokes, one-liners, sight gags, gag gags (tandem vomiting – brilliant), and more face-scrunching solids and fluids being slung around than a German “pudding” party.

I just gave you a dozen reasons to watch this movie…but you’ll only need one not to.

Down The Road A’Piece: 20 Million Miles To Earth

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on September 6, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

20 Million Miles To EarthVenus is the closest planet to whatever planet it is we’re sh*tting all over. While the title is in reference to a manned space journey to said orb, a quick fact-check with MapQuest™ indicates our neighbor is 23.7 million miles away. That makes the movie’s title a LIAR. But that’s my only emotional issue as 20 Million Miles To Earth is a face exhilarating 1957 sci-fi movie that kicks interplanetary ass.

Hey, William Hopper – as an astronaut you just flew to Venus and back. What’d you bring me? Why, a container full of ALIEN! (I would’ve preferred a novelty shirt or some purple space dust, but the alien’s cool.)

20 Million Miles To EarthHopper crashes into Italy and his space thermos is hauled in by some fishermen. It ends up in the hands of Pepe, (not pronounced “pee pee”) a young boy, who takes it to a zoologist (scientist who sticks his finger in animal butts).

20 Million Miles To EarthWhen the container is opened, out pops snot. The lunar goo houses the bipedal reptile Ymir, with a tail that looks like a snake I once saw. It eats tasty sulphur, although I would’ve guessed a Mars Bar™. Heh. Earth’s stinky air causes it to grow to the size of an elephant, which is ironic because he and a pachyderm (science name for Dumbo™) face off in the unswept streets of Italy. A classic battle, the Ymir packs the elephant’s trunk and carries on creating “hysteria totale.”

The army chases it to the top of Rome’s Colosseum. It is here, like so many extraterrestrial gladiators before him, that he faces his final destiny. The Ymir is remembered by his Venusian friends and family as the little space creature who dared to dream.