Archive for September, 2012

Mars Hates Us

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , on September 21, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Angry Red PlanetThe Angry Red Planet (1959), also known as Invasion of Mars and Journey to Planet Four, is in reference to Mars and all its pent-up hostilities towards the people of Earth. Who can blame Mars? We strut around the Galaxy in our fancy space suits and techno-bling, thinkin’ we own the place. Turns out we do not.

The Angry Red Planet

Mars isn’t just angry – it’s pissed, all because U.S. rocket ship MR-1 lands on it and gets Earth stink all over their plant-covered patio. Three astronauts and an astronautette go to Mars for some reason. The woman has bright red hair and her name is Iris, though they call her “Irish.” I don’t get it.

The Angry Red Planet

Once on Mars they wander around through an eye-squinting red, orange and yellow landscape filled with woman-eating plants (did I just spoil part of the movie?), house-sized tarantulas (actually a hybrid of a rat, a bat and a spider, which I found to be paradoxically both cool and dumb), and house-sized blobs of living gelatin dessert. Once ingested by what looks to be cherry-flavored Martian Jell-O™, you dissolve like sugar in Kool-Aid™.

The Angry Red Planet

Those not turned into Kool-Aid™ make it back to the ship and discover their ride home is being assimilated into the goo. Earth science makes it possible for an escape, but with a price – the goo has attached itself to the arm of the one space guy the redhead would’ve done it with. The race is on to get back home and wash the arm in science soap.

Best part, though, is the message the Martians send back for all to hear: don’t even think about spreading your Earth stink on Mars again, or face total annihilation. Not very neighborly, but you gotta love their policies.

Romantic Man-Cobra

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on September 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SSSSSSSSSSSSSS, made in 1973, is the most easily pronounced horror movie in history. Heck, you don’t even need lips to say it. And when you do run it out your pie hole, it either sounds like a snake, which the movie is about, or air leaking out of most anything. Except your trunk. Then it sounds like pfffftttthhhtttt. (An approximation – sounds may vary emanating from your back roads.)

SSSSSSS is a face-scruncher about a small town scientist who studies snakes to see why they make that hiss-y sound. He doesn’t have a wife anymore (probably eaten by a bear). But he does have a Plain Jane daughter who helps him around the lab.

The doc needs a man’s touch, though, when it comes to handling those biting wigglers. So he hires a handsome young man to asssssist. Heh. This new boy takes a mighty right shine to the doc’s daughter and they seem to want to make out above AND below the Bible Belt, if you get my country meaning.

SSSSSSSThe over-protective doc – who doesn’t want the boy feeling up his daughter – repeatedly injects Romeo with a new kind of snake oil. While it did clear up his acne, it also turned him into a man-sized Man-Cobra. Now the only place he can find gainful employment is at Kinkos (graveyard shift) or a freak show (same thing). Needless to say, there’s no business like show business.

More fun stuff incudes about a zillion different snakes gettin’ all twisted up in knot, a freakin’ huge ass python that swallows a man whole, and the “I just crapped my pants in public” look on Doctor Dad’s face when he finds out his daughter’s been riding the trouser snake.

SSSSSSSIf any of reptile boy’s blood mixed with his daughter’s blood, he’ll have to rename her “Melissssssa.”

I could do this all day long.

Village of the Giants

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , on September 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Village of the GiantsA giant dog, a giant spider, giant ducks, giant teenagers, giant boobs… Village of the Giants, a 1965 camp sci-fi romp, has everything. Party-intent teenagers grow to the size of party buildings after ingesting some chemical stuff called, Goo. (I thought for an hour and couldn’t come up with a better name for the Super Gunk™.)Because they’re teens, being supersized means two things: no more being kept down by non-partying rules, and movie theater curtains make for great party togas.

Village fo the GiantsAs giants, the teens want to keep the party going. One giant chick grabs a regular sized guy and puts him on her chest, letting him dangle from her bra like a leaf in the wind. It has been my life’s bitterest defeat not to have had the opportunity to swing on a giant girl’s chest.

The town’s sheriff shows up and makes the teens go back inside the movie theater, which is a total buzzkill, and stay there until a solution can be found to return them to normal. As if that could ever happen to any teenager, giant or not.

Village fo the GiantsBut the teens aren’t down with the Man’s plan, so they decide to make it Giant Town by isolating themselves from the world, ripping up telephone lines, blocking roads and smooshing communication technology (antennas).

While I would’ve called it Largeville or Tall Town, the teens nevertheless get served when a Goo antidote is thus applied to the situation, which had been growing (sorry) out of control.

Village fo the GiantsIn a rather obtuse moment, the teens, now back to normal size, are run out of Hainsville (the town’s original name before, you know). They encounter a group of people asking directions. “Is that the place they have the Goo?” They drive off as a group of midgets head into town.

Science fiction can be so insensitive sometimes.

War-Gods of the Deep

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on September 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

War-Gods of the DeepMade in 1965, War-Gods of the Deep is also known as The City Under the Sea. I like War-Gods of the Deep as it sounds more metal. The City Under the Sea seems too smooth jazz.

Under the water off the coast of Cornwall is an entire submerged city full of guys, some of whom look like distant relatives of the Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954). Breathing a mixture of oxygen and fish farts which allows them to live way longer than they normally would, these “war-gods” have some double trouble bubbling all around them.

War-Gods of the DeepThere’s an underwater volcano that’s about to blow, wrecking their liquid lifestyle. Secondly, top-siders have infiltrated their grotto to rescue this really hot chick with big pontoons who looks just like Capt. War-God’s wife from, I don’t know, a million years ago. There’s also a pet chicken named Herbert, who gets stuffed into a diving suit with his owner/primary caretaker. Besides being clucked up (heh), a grown man with a chicken in his sea suit was a little uncomfortable to watch.

The land walkers manage to escape by walking away in diving suits while fish men and a few other sea dwellers in diving suits because they haven’t developed their gills yet, go after them. Here’s how smart they are: the war-gods use crossbows to shoot wooden arrows at the escapees/barn yard fugitive. They get about two feet and then float to the surface. Ineffective, to say nothing of being wasteful.

War-Gods of the DeepA fantastical premise with effects ranging from believable (chickens do not need to decompress after being under water), to unbelievable (where does toilet water go when you flush in an undersea city?). Cool movie sets and a whole lot of clucking help distract from the fact that there really isn’t much of a story. Still, fishmen with crossbows and an aqua-chicken. Kinda cool.

Vampire Lovers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , on September 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Vampire Lovers

It’s always important to the plot when a female vampire takes off her clearly uncomfortable clothing, to say nothing of the entertainment value. Such is the case with 1970’s social groundbreaking The Vampire Lovers, which features a bold display of all of the above.

Mircalla Karnstein is a 19th Century noblewoman and a vampire. So what, she’s hot. Mircalla uses her sex appeal to entice young hot chicks all over the countryside, makes out with them, then bites them on the boob. Cereal juice doesn’t come out, but blood does.

The Vampire LoversGeneral von Spielsdorf, whose own daughter has been boob-bitten, has only a short window of time to stop Mircalla, who is now calling herself Carmilla. (She’s so sexy, you could call her roast beef and she’d still give you 19th Century wood.)

Baron Hartog, who sliced off the heads of the entire Karnstein vampire clan back in the day, is called to assist and provide gory backstory. Turns out, Hartog screwed up on his head count, which left Mircalla/Camilla free to take off her clothes and do it with other hot chicks. And by do it, I mean bite them on the boob after they do it.

The Vampire LoversWide use of see-through gowns, a few boob shots, several graphic decapitations, and blood so red as to come from a tomato sauce jar. Man, all this talk of lesbian vampires, boob biting and tomato sauce is making my mouth water uncontrollably.

Dinosaurs and Drunk Rodeo Clowns

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on September 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Valley of GwanjiIf I were to give a name to a dinosaur, it wouldn’t be Gwangi, star of the 1969 sci-fi/fantasy/western adventure, The Valley of Gwangi. A much better – and more marketable name – would be Chomposaurus, Rage-o-saur, or Mega something. But as dinosaur titles go, Gwangi works more effectively than, say, Bob or Mr. Chew.

The Valley of GwanjiIn The Valley of Gwangi (also known as Gwangi, The Lost Valley, The Valley Time Forgot, and The Valley Where Time Stood Still), the problem with running a Wild West Rodeo Show is that you constantly need new attractions to keep the tourist fun bucks rolling in, like drunk clowns, miniature show ponies and dinosaurs.

The Valley of GwanjiFinding a hidden valley loaded with drunk rodeo clowns – and dinosaurs – a bunch of cowboys rope one ’o them Allosaurus prehistoric monsters and gives the reluctant beast a career in show business.

The Valley of GwanjiAfter a stink gypsy frees the show-stopping reptile, the murdering Allosaurus, or “Gwangi,” takes out an elephant and some other people, one of which is probably his agent. Not sure how Gwangi, a cowboy and a kid end up in a church, but where better to repent your elephant killing ways? God’s wrath comes in the form of faulty load bearing beams and cleansing fire.

The Valley of GwanjiFun AND believable, especially the part where the cowboys on horseback circle Gwangi and rope him like a drunk rodeo clown. Barnum & Bailey™ should think about adding dinosaurs to their traveling roadshow. That’d be awesome.

Tormented By A Ghost Chick

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , on September 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

TormentedChicks with vendettas make for entertaining horror movies. Take the loose marbled gal in 1960’s Tormented; with her nagging from beyond the grave, she really raised the bar on the whole “Hell hath no fury” thing.

Tom Stewart is a renowned jazz pianist with a problem – he only knows how to play jazz. Sorry, that’s not it. Tom lives on an island (a regular one, not the Gilligan’s Island version), and has a part-time girlfriend who, while gorgeous (she’s got this ’50s pin-up calendar thing going on), is psycho jealous.

TormentedTom is engaged to Meg, whose parents are rich. And since no one in the world has ever made a sustainable living playing jazz, it’s a sound business move. But Vi, the hot-but-brain broke groupie, is having none of that.

An argument atop an abandoned lighthouse leads to the railing giving away and Vi going over, metaphorically hanging on in a death grip like she’s been doing to Tom. But her hold on the broken rail was about as firm as her grasp on reality, and she plummets into the ocean. Problem solved – until she comes back as a ghost promising to haunt Tom for the rest of his life. What is it with scorned chicks, anyway?

TormentedOver the course of the next week, Vi shows up and ghost nags Tom. He’s the only one who can hear her, so the torment is non-stop. The best part is when she appears as a disembodied head and keeps shouting over and over, “Tom Stewart killed me, Tom Stewart killed me…” He grabs her head, wraps a towel around it and chucks it in the ocean. Hey, it worked before. There’s only one way for Tom and Vi to be together forever, and that’s to FALL for each other. Ahem.

But there is no happy ending, which is messed up. This is what we in Jazz call “ending on the down beat.”