Mars Hates Us

The Angry Red PlanetThe Angry Red Planet (1959), also known as Invasion of Mars and Journey to Planet Four, is in reference to Mars and all its pent-up hostilities towards the people of Earth. Who can blame Mars? We strut around the Galaxy in our fancy space suits and techno-bling, thinkin’ we own the place. Turns out we do not.

The Angry Red Planet

Mars isn’t just angry – it’s pissed, all because U.S. rocket ship MR-1 lands on it and gets Earth stink all over their plant-covered patio. Three astronauts and an astronautette go to Mars for some reason. The woman has bright red hair and her name is Iris, though they call her “Irish.” I don’t get it.

The Angry Red Planet

Once on Mars they wander around through an eye-squinting red, orange and yellow landscape filled with woman-eating plants (did I just spoil part of the movie?), house-sized tarantulas (actually a hybrid of a rat, a bat and a spider, which I found to be paradoxically both cool and dumb), and house-sized blobs of living gelatin dessert. Once ingested by what looks to be cherry-flavored Martian Jell-O™, you dissolve like sugar in Kool-Aid™.

The Angry Red Planet

Those not turned into Kool-Aid™ make it back to the ship and discover their ride home is being assimilated into the goo. Earth science makes it possible for an escape, but with a price – the goo has attached itself to the arm of the one space guy the redhead would’ve done it with. The race is on to get back home and wash the arm in science soap.

Best part, though, is the message the Martians send back for all to hear: don’t even think about spreading your Earth stink on Mars again, or face total annihilation. Not very neighborly, but you gotta love their policies.

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