Romantic Man-Cobra

SSSSSSSSSSSSSS, made in 1973, is the most easily pronounced horror movie in history. Heck, you don’t even need lips to say it. And when you do run it out your pie hole, it either sounds like a snake, which the movie is about, or air leaking out of most anything. Except your trunk. Then it sounds like pfffftttthhhtttt. (An approximation – sounds may vary emanating from your back roads.)

SSSSSSS is a face-scruncher about a small town scientist who studies snakes to see why they make that hiss-y sound. He doesn’t have a wife anymore (probably eaten by a bear). But he does have a Plain Jane daughter who helps him around the lab.

The doc needs a man’s touch, though, when it comes to handling those biting wigglers. So he hires a handsome young man to asssssist. Heh. This new boy takes a mighty right shine to the doc’s daughter and they seem to want to make out above AND below the Bible Belt, if you get my country meaning.

SSSSSSSThe over-protective doc – who doesn’t want the boy feeling up his daughter – repeatedly injects Romeo with a new kind of snake oil. While it did clear up his acne, it also turned him into a man-sized Man-Cobra. Now the only place he can find gainful employment is at Kinkos (graveyard shift) or a freak show (same thing). Needless to say, there’s no business like show business.

More fun stuff incudes about a zillion different snakes gettin’ all twisted up in knot, a freakin’ huge ass python that swallows a man whole, and the “I just crapped my pants in public” look on Doctor Dad’s face when he finds out his daughter’s been riding the trouser snake.

SSSSSSSIf any of reptile boy’s blood mixed with his daughter’s blood, he’ll have to rename her “Melissssssa.”

I could do this all day long.

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