Archive for August, 2012

Hippie Lake Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on August 22, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Crater Lake Monster

If it weren’t for that meteor that crashed into Oregon’s fabled Crater Lake and heated up the water enough to incubate and hatch that dinosaur egg in the lake’s muddy bottom, then we wouldn’t have had a plausible plot device for a 60-foot extinct Plesiosaur to rise up and eat people.

The Crater Lake Monster

To accommodate its growing spurt, the beast feeds verily upon the lake’s groceries: fish, clams, boaters. Food supply exhausted and no Hot Pockets™ floating around nearby, the monster ventures topside to gulp down a few cows, which are indigenous to that Pacific Northwest region.

The Crater Lake Monster

Most of The Crater Lake Monster’s (1977) running time is designed to get people into the water for a little plop-plop, fizz-fizz. There’s even a liquor store robber who, after being chased into the lake by the sheriff, ends up as dino-poo. The plan to get rid of Cratey is simple – lure the beast out in the open, then ram it with a front loader. Throw in a couple of comic-relief hippie hillbillies and you got yourself a nice little time waster.

The Crater Lake Monster

The lake monster, even though it’s one of those stop-motion dealies, is pretty cool, although I’ve never understood why aquatic creatures need vocal chords. Then again, I don’t know why hillbillies and hippies all seem to want to live in Oregon. Must be because they have liquor stores and pot supermarkets on every street corner.

Demon Seed

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on August 21, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demon Seed

Another vintage super computer-gone wild movie from the Seventies, Demon Seed (based on the Dean R. Koontz book of the same name) makes the logical connection of the pornographic relationship between man (or in this case, woman) and silicon (chips).

A super smarty scientist installs a super smarty computer with artificial intelligence to automate his home. Proteus IV, the machine, can run your bath at just the right temperature, make your dinner, take out the trash, cut off a head, and get you another robo-beer from the robo-fridge.

Demon Seed

But Proteus has been watching Mrs. Scientist Wife and has logically calculates that bare boobies are a good thing. He asks her lots of questions about life and creation and boobies (they’re all tied in) and comes to the conclusion he/it desires a child.

There aren’t any happening female computers around so Proteus electronically seals the doors, windows and fridge so he won’t be disturbed when he, um, uploads his hard drive into the wife’s software. She doesn’t like this plan as the computer’s idea of safe sex is turning off the circuit breaker.

Demon Seed

The scene where the computer knocks processors with her is the stuff they write future books about. Yes, she gets pregnant(!) and yes, Proteus is a stand-up computer and is OK with the whole child support deal. But when the kid is born…well, you gotta see it to believe it. (I love saying that.)

Demon Seed

Demon Seed has groovy folding metal robot special effects and taboo subject matter for a movie made in 1977. I wish I was a super computer in the Seventies, what with all those liberating “free processing” attitudes and experimentation.

Monster Super Computer

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on August 20, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Colossus, the Forbin Project

Seems crazy talk to think of life without computers. They’re like ribbed condoms with raised pleasure dots – what would do without ’em? And yet, back in the Seventies, when computers were just the fevered dream of a mad man, a super computer was being made to make our lives even more easier than they are today. And the size of that thing to accommodate all its mega processing power; If he could afford it, Godzilla would have one helluva lap top.

Colossus, the Forbin Project

The super computer-gone-mad movie I’m alluding to is Colossus, the Forbin Project, a tense 1970 sci-fi classic that pits man against a computer that is about to usurp our standing rank on the food chain.

Dr. Forbin has invented the appropriately-named Colossus, the world’s most kick ass super computer. As with all super computers, it becomes self-aware and starts surfing the internet for porn, even though there was no internet or porn back in the mid-hippie days when this movie came out. That’s how super this computer is.

Colossus, the Forbin Project

Forbin tries to reason with it, which ain’t happening. He tries unplugging it. No luck there, either. When he needs to consult a female scientist, he has to do it under the premise of having sex with her, the only time Colossus turns off his all-seeing camera. (Slick maneuver; I’ll have to use it sometime: “Hey, baby – I really want to talk about what your cat did, but we need to have sex first because a super computer is watching my every move.”)

Colossus wants a mate, too – the equally powerful Soviet Union super computer, Guardian. It needs to have a direct line so they can plot the destruction of every major city in the world. Time to make fear pee within your science pants.

Colossus, the Forbin ProjectForbin’s last line of defense puts a nice spin on this superior sci-fi film. And to think if Microsoft™ had made the software to run Colossus, it would’ve crashed a hundred times by now and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

A Poor Man’s King Kong

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on August 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Mighty Gorga

Don’t invite King Kong over to your house to watch The Mighty Gorga (1969) as he’ll be extreme pissed at seeing himself re-cast as a costumed gorilla with a plastic face, to say nothing of the tagline: “The Greatest Horror Monster Alive.” (Legally, they could claim that at the time; most giant horror monsters were killed or died in half in the line of duty, their leftover fur being used to make blankets, bathroom rugs and evening wear.)

The Mighty Gorga

Mark Remmington, broke circus owner, needs to capture Gorga, the other mythical giant ape, in order to exploit for profit and an economic boost in cotton candy sales. Looking to hook up with Tonga Jack (man, that sounded weird), Mark discovers Tonga has been missing during a safari and is presumed killed by a giant gorilla, and that the animal compound is run by his beautiful daughter. You could say she’s the “gorilla my dreams.” (I never get tired of using that joke.)

The Mighty Gorga

They team up to capture Gorga, but are almost derailed by a dinosaur attack. (Actually, it’s a plastic toy someone is waving around. Still pretty dangerous, though; Gorga could choke on that thing.) Gorga, thinking this is being rude to the jungle visitors, leaps out of the woods and gives the dinosaur some “dino-sores.” Heh. (I’m surprised Gorga even saw the prehistoric reptile, as he appears to be severely cross-eyed. And where are you gonna find an optometrist in an African jungle at this hour?)

The Mighty Gorga

To distract you from the fighting toys, Morgan, a rival trapper with criminal intentions, shows up to stop Mark and April from catching Gorga before he does. Does Morgan succeed? I rooted for him. No one else did, though. Toy dinosaurs (with perfect teeth) and one of the all-time worst giant gorillas to ever stink up the jungle, The Mighty Gorga is so stunningly bad, it might very well be the Citizen Kane (1941) of crap.

Spanish Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , on August 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Woodsman

A real outdoorsman with an idea to make a found footage Bigfoot movie. I know there are lots of people out there who like these crappily made-on-the-cheap hand-held camera movies. I am not one of them. You have to sit through a bunch of jittery camera work, a bunch of screaming, and a “something” causing the screaming, just to be let down in the end. I only know of one such movie as this that didn’t wreck my life: Cloverfield (2008).

So now we get The Woodsman, with Mauro Bosque, an adventurer/survivalist with a video camera, exploring the caves of Belize (that over-priced tourist destination), where it is thought that a bunch of Mayan warriors used to shack up there. (Judging by all the empty ancient beer cans laying around, all signs point to yes.)

The Woodsman

Like all experienced survivalists, Mauro gets lost and ends up on the wrong side of town…where Bigfoot lives. Bigfoot no like people with cameras. And as Mauro records his quest for Hombre Y Tierra (Earth Dude), his Internet-based reality show, he gets the pant-filling time of his life.

The trailer has a lot of Mauro shaking and making white knuckle pee shiver expressions into the camera as rocks come flying out of nowhere, his tent being shaken and a growling shadowy something. Yep, it’s The Hair Witch Project.

I hope Bigfoot craps in that wimp’s sleeping bag.

Giant Squid vs. Giant Octopus: The Ultimate PPV

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on August 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Calamari Wrestler

In what could very well be the greatest sports sci-fi movie ever, a pro wrestler who died from an intestinal blockage was reincarnated as a giant squid in wrestling tights. Typing that last sentence made so happy.

Just wanting to be loved, Calamari (his new ring name) challenges Taguchi, Japan’s wrestling superstar to a match. (You can just smell a pay-per-view brewing.) Even though Taguchi manages to turn himself into a giant octopus for the one-fall, Calamari wins, thereby disgracing Taguchi and stealing ’guchi’s girlfriend. Ouch.

The Calamari Wrestler

But not everyone is a fan of the new champ. Ambushed while shopping with his lady, Calamari is beaten into shashimi by Squilla Boxer, a huge sea bug with a claw and a boxing glove.

Squilla’s punch is lethal, so the formerly shamed Taguchi helps Calamari train for the New Year’s Eve Seafood Smackdown. “The feng shui is terrible at the Tokyo Dome,” argues Calamari. “Let’s wrestle at the Ultra Super Deluxe Arena.” 

The Calamari Wrestler

It’s on now – boasting the highest PPV in history, the two wrestlers go tentacle-to-tentacle, with Calamari ripping Squilla’s arms off and beating him with them. But the match is only a clever plot device for one of the most incredible story turns ever told, along with a surprise twist ending that will make you cry, cheer and/or hug something. Says the promoter with tears in his eyes, “Be they men or squids, they’re still pro wrestlers.” Amen to that.

The Calamari Wrestler

Aliens vs. Submarines and Hot Air Balloons

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , on August 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Atomic Submarine

The USS Nautilus was the world’s first operational nuclear-powered submarine. She was the first vessel to complete a submerged transit beneath the North Pole on August 3, 1958. (I don’t know why they refer to submarines and boats as “she.” The chicks I know look more like hot air balloons than submergible war craft. I am, of course, referring to their BOOBIES, not those round mounds of get down in da back.)

Filmmakers, seeing an opportunity to mix art with life, made The Atomic Submarine (1959), and used the Nautilus as a business model. To wit…

1968. It was the future back then. Submarines carrying paying passengers were being blown up as they sailed under the Arctic Circle. A butt-hole UFO was responsible. So the atomic-powered U.S.S. Tigershark is sent to “eliminate” the problem.

The Atomic Submarine

Arriving at the North Pole, sure enough, there’s that butt-hole UFO being all elusive and emitting electricity. Real war footage is used to make you believe the sub was kicking ass. And it did.

The best part is when the sub – stuffed with nuclear warheads – decides to ram the UFO…and it gets stuck. This allowed the sub commander and three crew members to board the saucer, where they encounter a giant talking eye with tentacles and crud all over it. In a voice made for FM radio, it tells of the plan to colonize Earth. (I hate aliens, but I like where they’re head is at. ) The commander has a very Earth-like response to that: a bullet to the blinker.

The Atomic Submarine

Afterward, he’s the only one that needs a ride back to the sub as the other casualties of war had their faces melted off. Only at the end of the movie does the flying saucer head for the skies, only to be blown out of ’em by a missile loaded with extra Uncle Sam. Oh, yeah, the UFO was at the Arctic Circle for a reason – it was stealing the Earth’s magnet juice. Damn that butt-hole UFO to Hell.

The stunning Joi Lansing, sporting two of the nicest hot air balloons, has an impactful two-minute cameo, during which she gets power-smooched by a sailor. Go Navy.

Joi Lansing