Chainsaws in 3D

Texas Chainsaw 3DThe seventh in an uneven horror franchise, Texas Chainsaw 3D arrives in theaters on January 4, 2013 – provided the Mayans don’t blow up the world come December 21, 2012. Not sure we need another Texas Chainsaw movie, especially one without the word “Massacre” in the title, which gave all the other ones some zing. Be that as it may, almost any movie that features a chainsaw is probably worth at least one viewing while drunk.

So the plot of this one revolves around some chick who discovers she’s related (a cousin in fact) to Leatherface, the iconic chainsawer from the first movie. On a road trip with friends to uncover her roots, she finds she is the sole owner of a lavish, isolated Victorian mansion. But her newfound wealth comes at a price as she stumbles upon a horror that awaits her in the mansion’s dank cellar.

The plot is kind of a reach, but the word “dank” accurately describes a lot of bars I’ve been in and continue to patronize.

According to some soundbites I found on the Internet to make this blog sound fully researched and official, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, released in 1974, is considered “one of the greatest – and most controversial – of horror films, and a major influence on the genre. The Times listed it as one of the 50 most controversial films of all time.”

Not nearly as gory as the title suggests, here’s what went down in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre that put into motion over four decades of “meh” sequels and craptacular remakes…

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

A bunch of teen friends road trip it to the cemetery where their grandfather is a permanent resident of Dirt Hotel. The kids are investigating reports that the graves have been dug up and the creamy goodness inside defiled. Just writing that is making me sick to my stomach and… OK, I’m over it now.

They end up at a house that’s owner-occupied by cannibals, as indicated by the human bone furniture. (You can get the same stuff at Ikea for half the price.) Leatherface, (great name), a chainsaw wielding butcher in a human skin mask, answers the door – and from that point on, horror history was made.

Leatherface

Bodies get strung up on meat hooks and put in freezers. (Makes sense, given how fast people burgers spoil at room temperature.) Score card: four previously living TV dinners, one surviving dessert. The rest is a chorus of screaming and revving power tools, though the movie title is far more suggestively graphic than the actual human butchering. Still, one of the best horror movie titles ever. It just makes you wanna scream hysterically it’s so good.

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