Golden Age Golden Vampires

As cool movie titles go The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires (1974) is right up there with Butts 3: Double Occupancy (1989). Peter Cushing returns as Van Helsing, now in Japan, pushing his “vampires are everywhere, man” agenda. No one believes him except a guy with six brothers and a hot sister and a rich socialite.

Cushing is asked to come to the man’s village, which is plagued by seven golden vampires. OK, they’re not quite golden. Their faces look like bee hives and they wear gold masks to cover their f’d up facial area. Also, each is sporting a cool gold bat necklace. If removed, steam shoots out of the vampire. If you happen to be a vampire, escaping steam is NOT COOL.

The kung fu battles at the resting cave and village are loaded with great butt-slugging moves and action, with the vampires calling up the dead as gangsta back-up. These skeleton zombies, though, are all wearing the same clothes. I suppose in late 1800s Japan there was only one JC Penney™ from which to buy casual battlewear.

Even though the man and his brothers are all experts with knives, swords, axes, arrows and face-punching, they’re out-numbered and soon get killed in half. The sister, though, is captured by the last remaining vampire and taken to the castle where Dracula, his employer, lives.

When Drac shows himself, he and Van Helsing do a little reminiscing: Dracula: “I am the Prince of Darkness…Lord of the Underworld…the Ruler of the Damned…” Van Helsing: “Prove it.”

A fight ensues and once again Van Helsing gets his point across, in this case the pointed end of a sword. Dracula folds like fresh laundry. What a letdown; the undead zombies were more of a pain in the ass to deal with.

For a flick made in the Seventies, The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires has a lot going for it: a bunch of excellent bare boobs, gooshing blood, punch ass kung fu fighting, international intrigue… Even the DVD cover is cool: “Black Belt vs. Black Magic.”

I wish I was a golden vampire with kung fu skillz, a bee hive face and some bitchin’ bat bling.