Lizzie Borden: Frequently Axed Questions

Lizzie BordenYou know how expediently it takes one to fart when you have one loaded in the chamber? That’s how long it took to come up with the plot for Lizzie Borden’s Revenge, a dumb and dumber way to cash on history’s most infamous axe murderess: “A group of sorority girls are having a slumber party at their house. One of the new sorority girls is Leslie Borden, a descendant of the infamous Lizzie Borden family.

“They believe that they are holding a harmless séance to conjure the ghost of Lizzie. But, they get locked in the house with an evil, vengeful spirit as Lizzie Borden returns to wreak havoc with her axe. One by one, the girls are murdered as they try to figure out how to put an end to the return of Lizzie Borden.”

Lizzie Borden

Anything for a buck these days. You need to watch The Strange Case of Lizzie Borden (2005), or better yet, The Legend of Lizzie Borden (1975), which took a simple double axe murder and turned it into one of the most engrossing gross stories to ever be shown on 1970’s television.

In the 19th Century (whenever that was), the “single adult but still living at home” Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother 40 whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41. Or so the prosecuting attorney would have you believe. They tried this spinster psychopath mostly on circumstantial evidence: A bloody axe. (Yeah, right – like women in the 19th Century walked around with those things in their purses.)

Lizzie Borden

It was demonstrated in a horrific “Crime of the Century” trial that Lizzie (played by Bewitched’s 1964 sexy witch, Samantha Stevens) was not only emotionally detached enough to hack her parents into moist sections, but that her hand could actually wrap around the axe handle. It was a perfect fit. (What axe handle isn’t easily held in any hand? They make ’em that way!) They even brought out Lizzie’s dad’s split skull (without a face, eyeballs or other stuff that would make it someone’s head) and put the axe blade into the gash to demonstrate it was indeed the murder weapon.

But if Lizzie had done this messy crime, why weren’t her clothes all bloody? A clue lies in flashbacks as we see her take off her pantaloons, grab the axe, and go chopping for new parents. Then we see her get in a wash tub and rinse all of her troubles down the drain, put her clothes back on and act all “Oh, nooooo!” when the bodies were discovered.

Fairly dang bloody and gruesome for a 1975 made-for-TV movie. I just wish they hadn’t put it on right before my cartoons when I was a kid. Now I’m, like, all traumatized ’n stuff.

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