Of Sea Monsters And Muscle Men

Hercules Vs. The Sea Monster

They’re often referred to as “sword and sandals” flicks, but really, when you cut right through the cheese, the mid-’60s to late ’70s era Hercules movies – loaded with cyclops, demons, witches and moon men – are full on horror fantasy with thinly-veiled homo-erotic overtones. I’ll say this about the appeal of Hercules and his Speedo™ toga – he has massive broad appeal, and by appealing to broads, is easily the Tarzan of his era.

One the more entertaining of Herc’s work is Hercules Vs. The Sea Monster (1965), also known as Hercules and the Princess of Troy. That title blows. A virgin or “woman of virtue” is sacrificed to the one-size-eats-all sea monster in order to keep the silly thing from coming on shore. (Kinda makes you wonder why everyone isn’t out gettin’ in a booty call.) Well, heck – once Hercules hears about this, he valiantly vows to smoosh that floating fart-face.

And while we’re on the subject, if you quit feeding it, that dang monster wouldn’t keep coming around and there’d be no need for for dreamy muscular men in handkerchief-sized swim trunks. For that job, anyway. Ahem.

Hercules Vs. The Sea Monster

Without a sea monster, however, certain rulers might get their pink slips. The temp King of Troy wants his job to be permanent, so he does everything he can to chump Hercules, like throw him in a pit and laugh at him. (Romans can be so NOT COOL sometimes.) But it’ll take more than a Greek hole to keep Hercules from strutting around on the beach in his bulging toga.

Hercules Vs. The Sea Monster

Herc’s posse, worried that he hasn’t shown up to punch crab, are beginning to freak out. It’s always “We MUST save Hercules,” “We MUST” rescue the princess, “We MUST remember to wipe our sandals before entering the castle.” Doesn’t anyone use the word “gotta” anymore?

They finally find and save Hercules, who gets to the action without a moment to spare, and battles that beachin’ monster on the same public waterfront where people are sacrificed and/or relax on their day off. Even though the sea creature is XXVIII times bigger than our burly hero and looks like a giant Kootie™ potato bug, Herc nevertheless wrestles and yanks on it for a while before stabbing it into brunch-sized servings for all.

Hercules Vs. The Sea Monster

Hercules could’ve stuck around and got him some princess action (she was practically putting it on the plate), but he decides he MUST get back on his boat with a bunch of sweaty guys and go in search of, um, “adventure.” Gotta hand it to Hercules – his oars row both ways.

One Response to “Of Sea Monsters And Muscle Men”

  1. anonymous Says:

    To hell with Hercules for killin’ that insect! I never loved him because he used his strength to beat the crap outta of animals that I like. And so, I wish that those animals killed him after ripping off his hand and arms.

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