Monster Super Computer

Colossus, the Forbin Project

Seems crazy talk to think of life without computers. They’re like ribbed condoms with raised pleasure dots – what would do without ’em? And yet, back in the Seventies, when computers were just the fevered dream of a mad man, a super computer was being made to make our lives even more easier than they are today. And the size of that thing to accommodate all its mega processing power; If he could afford it, Godzilla would have one helluva lap top.

Colossus, the Forbin Project

The super computer-gone-mad movie I’m alluding to is Colossus, the Forbin Project, a tense 1970 sci-fi classic that pits man against a computer that is about to usurp our standing rank on the food chain.

Dr. Forbin has invented the appropriately-named Colossus, the world’s most kick ass super computer. As with all super computers, it becomes self-aware and starts surfing the internet for porn, even though there was no internet or porn back in the mid-hippie days when this movie came out. That’s how super this computer is.

Colossus, the Forbin Project

Forbin tries to reason with it, which ain’t happening. He tries unplugging it. No luck there, either. When he needs to consult a female scientist, he has to do it under the premise of having sex with her, the only time Colossus turns off his all-seeing camera. (Slick maneuver; I’ll have to use it sometime: “Hey, baby – I really want to talk about what your cat did, but we need to have sex first because a super computer is watching my every move.”)

Colossus wants a mate, too – the equally powerful Soviet Union super computer, Guardian. It needs to have a direct line so they can plot the destruction of every major city in the world. Time to make fear pee within your science pants.

Colossus, the Forbin ProjectForbin’s last line of defense puts a nice spin on this superior sci-fi film. And to think if Microsoft™ had made the software to run Colossus, it would’ve crashed a hundred times by now and we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

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