Archive for July, 2012

Frankenstein’s Army

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , on July 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frankenstein's Army

You really have to give it up smooth for Victor Frankenstein, scientist/God/history’s first zombie maker. He tried constructing a somewhat functioning human (world’s first welfare recipient) out of a jigsaw puzzle of sticky organs, mismatched blood types and less than sterile conditions (think bus station bathroom in Brautwurst Distrikt), and actually succeeded – twice – despite all the interruptions from those noisy villagers/pyromaniacs/bus station drunks.

Now Victor’s legacy is back to rub his thrills, chills and doctor bills in everyone’s gesichters with the new movie, Frankenstein’s Army (due out in 2013, the year my Budweiser’s freshness date runs out. (Like it’ll last that long – do they not know me?)

Frankenstein's Army

Here’s what went/will go down: “Toward the end of World War II, Russian soldiers pushing into eastern Germany stumble across a secret Nazi lab, one that has unearthed and begun experimenting with the journal of one Dr. Victor Frankenstein. The scientists have used the legendary Frankenstein’s work to assemble an army of supersoldiers stitched together from the body parts of their fallen comrades – a desperate Hitler’s last ghastly ploy to escape defeat.”

Stitched together? Is that what they think Vic did with body parts? More like an orchestral harmonizing of flesh with fun, if you ask me.

Frankenstein's Army

While this may echo Nazis At the Center of the Earth/2012 (Nazis are holed up in a continent in Earth’s core, planning a Third Reich homecoming – sure, like that’s believable), Frankenstein’s Army is a perfect expression of this Mitt Romney lunacy-spouting, podium-thumping era. Heck, even his name is German! I bet Mitt lives within walking distance to the Earth’s core. And who the hell names their son after a baseball glove? That’s downright un-American.

Godzilla, Giant Robots, Soiled Pants

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , on July 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

It’s official – Gareth Edwards, the guy who did the astonishing Monsters (2010), has announced a remake of Godzilla.

You know how occasionally/intermittently/often you crap your pants because you’re sad or in big trouble with the law, surrounded by creatures of unknown origin, about to be probed by aliens, just for the hell of it, or extremely happy? Knowing there’s a new Godzilla movie coming out makes this one of those extremely happy moments.

This, of course, is prefaced by the impending Pacific Rim, another movie about giant monsters from filmmaker Guillermo del Toro. (Pronounced “ghee-air-mow-del-tore-oh). Inspired by the Godzilla ’n friends legacy, here’s that PR’s all about…

Pacific RimWhen legions of monstrous creatures, known as Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that would take millions of lives and consume humanity’s resources for years on end.

To combat the giant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked in a neural bridge.

Pacific Rim

But even the Jaegers are proving nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju. On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes – a washed up former pilot and an untested trainee – who are teamed to drive a legendary but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past. Together, they stand as mankind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse.

Giant robots named after booze and battling giant monsters? Is it possible to crap one’s pants twice within moments of each event horizon? I’ll update this blog shortly.

Phantom Planet

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , on July 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Phantom Planet

The Phantom Planet, released in 1961, when a gallon of gas cost .27 cents and a can of Beef Ravioli™ cost .30 cents (both kinda the same thing when you think about it), was a cheesy yet imaginative sci-fi film that has an invisible asteroid drawing an astronaut and his ship to its surface, where he is miniaturized by the phantom planet’s exotic atmosphere. (I totally copied that last part from IMDB.com.)

My description is loads better…

Phantom Planet

An American space ship is forcibly re-routed to a phantom planet, so named as it moves around like an interstellar trailer home. It’s not really a planet, more like a cluster of meteors that look like chunks of space granola. When the rocket lands on Rayton (Phantom Planet is a way better name), astronaut Frank Chapman is shrunk to six inches tall, due to Rayton’s manipulation of gravity and its face-crunching atmosphere.

Phantom PlanetThe place, looking like a cave with shiny buttons, houses a helluva lot of supermodels, one of which can’t talk and has astro-eyes for him. (Frank doesn’t know it, but he just won the Lottery.) He wants to go home, the dumbass. The Raytons, though, need his scientific acumen to help defend Rayton from the Solarites, flaming creatures who look like special needs extraterrestrials and whose heat rays can destroy Rayton.

Phantom Planet

Yeah, there’s some man-drama, a little bit ’o smooching, a video game war with the Solarites, and some shrinkage. But Frank has a way out, what with the Earth air left in his tanks that will restore his size. And just in time to be picked up by a rescue ship. Frank should’ve smuggled the six-inch hottie back in his pocket. Let her get a whiff of Earth’s sweet big air, and she would’ve been the ultimate blow-up doll.

Blood Beach

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on July 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Beach

Blood Beach, a 1981 low-budget horror oddity, capitalized on the the splatter movement and the fact that Jaws, released six years earlier, was still gooning people out to the point where no one would go swimming in shark-infested waters. (And to this day Jurassic Park/1993 still makes everyone plan their vacations anywhere except where dinosaurs live. That’s just not right.)

The Jaws connection, though, is right on the money – Jaws 2’s (1978) tag line: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…” Blood Beach’s tag line: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…you can’t get to it!” Brilliant, I dare say.

Blood Beach

For a cornball monster movie, Blood Beach does have its cultish charms. Something, possibly a giant beach worm, is making swimmers, sunbathers and sea hippies disappear right off the beach. Badass Sgt. Royko is too busy brow-beating “perps” to grasp the bigger picture – being that there is a gigantic, weiner-shaped worm living under the sand that’s sucking people into its pie hole. As for the weiner shape, think in terms of the Amazing Colossal Beast’s junk wiggling around the beach, leaking stuff out. It’s OK to go, “Eewww!” right now.

Blood Beach

Some scholar gets the idea to dig up the beach. Big hole. No monster. More deaths, including a rapist who gets his weiner bitten off. Too bad someone hasn’t noticed the abandoned beach pavilion OVER THERE. That might be a good place to hide if I were a carnivorous weiner worm.

Using his keen instincts, Royko investigates the dilapidated building and discovers the wondrous wiggler. Now where did he put that dynamite? The problem with blowing up a big weiner monster is that it creates a LOT of little weiner monsters. But that’s just crazy wishful sequel talk.

Blood Beach beat Dune’s (1984) sand weiners to the finish line by three years and Tremor’s dirt weiners (1990) by nine. That’s such an important fact, it needed to be publicly stated. You’re very welcome.

Invasion of the Neptune Men

Posted in Aliens, Asian Sci-Fi, Science Fiction with tags , , on July 12, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of the Neptune Men

Finding more sci-fi/horror movie jewels through Roku™, my new digital enabler/master. Of the plethora (sorry – word of the day calendar) of early Golden Era 1960s and 1970s Japanese sci-fi visual treats, I happened across 1961’s Invasion of the Neptune Men, aka Uchū Kaisokusen, Space Hypership. I like Neptune Men better. Oh crap, that sounded a little less than manly if taken out of context. Still, the actual Men of Neptune do tend to hit the gym on a regular basis.

Invasion of the Neptune Men

Sonny Chiba, the hero of Earth, plays the intergalactic superhero Iron-Sharp (that is so metal) and drives a car that’s actually a rocket with snazzy buckets seats and a hi-tech 8-track player. His foes are the Men of Neptune, led by the beak-nosed Space Chief. And they’re nothing but trouble.

Invasion of the Neptune Men

Damn those Neptune Men and their flying machines of destruction. They come to our planet because theirs stinks, thinking it’d be all cool ’n easy to just waltz in with their metal pointy heads, shoot a few destructo beams and we’d roll over like a cheap space hooker. Not when we have Iron Sharp guarding the upper atmosphere in his rocket car.

The Neptune Men look like giant vibrators and can’t talk, although they do communicate by modulating frequencies (ahem) that, when played backward (or on ultimo-pleasure mode), outline their plans for world domination. They don’t achieve these stated goals and most end up blasted in the space face with repelling blast-o beams.

Invasion of the Neptune Men

So up yours, Men of Neptune – you just got served. And don’t come back, unless you want another taste of Earth justice. Bitch.

On an even happier note, stock footage from the largely kids’ film was used in the music video for Rage Against the Machine’s “Testify.” Those clean young men seem so calm and at peace with themselves.

Son of a Beach – It’s Hellyfish!

Posted in Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on July 11, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellyfish

Time to step down, Sharktopus, Mega-Shark, Piranhaconda, icky Blood Beach Worm, and Italian guys in Speedos™ – there’s a new public beach horror. And it’s called Hellyfish, a giant mutated jellyfish that’ll turn your sun tan into a permanent sun burn. (Sorry, that’s all I could think of right now.)

While it would’ve been nice to see a starfish get a shot at headlining (last time was in Warning From Space/1956, see photograph), it’s a welcome sight to behold one of nature’s most extraterrestrial-esque aquatic kill machines blown up to Costco™ size and sucking the goo right outta you.

Warning From Space

In Hellyfish (I’m slapping myself in the neck for not thinking of that first), “America’s only missing nuclear weapon is leaking radioactive material into the ocean just off the coast of Tybee Island, GA. The trifling existence of a hapless cast is disrupted by a vicious force of nature that shows no mercy.”

They had me at leaking.

Hellyfish

Hellyfish sounds like perfect bait for the SyFy™ Channel. And since I don’t have cable, I’ll have to check into a four-star hotel to watch it for free on their premium channel-ready TVs. (I save a lot of money by not having cable.)

Hellyfish

Hellyfish was made with the help of a successful Kickstarter campaign. If the movie does well, I propose a sequel, involving some sort of peanut butter fish. Epic doesn’t even begin to describe the yummy horror those two could mash-up.

Horror For Dummies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , on July 10, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Adoption

Ventriloquism is the art of talking without moving your lips. To me, that’s just a fancy Latin way of saying “muttering.” And this “projecting of voice,” when used for entertainment purposes (not seeing any other application), often includes a puppet or “wooden dummy” that sits on the leg of the mutterer and moves it’s mouth by way of a fist up its ass. Entertaining, indeed.

Paranormal Adoption

A ventriloquism dummy is featured in Paranormal Adoption, a 2012 indie horror movie about possession and hopefully boobies, that employs the money buzzword of Paranormal Activity, the 2007 ghost-y movie that gave a lot of dummies, or “filmmakers” a way to cash in with hand-held camera/found footage crap-o-rama.

Paranormal Adoption

In Paranormal Adoption the dummy is so evil as to be, like, double evil. Most wooden people are. When a young couple loses their only child to a drowning in their pool, they unknowingly adopt a beautiful girl with a freaky doll that have paranormal powers that they use in disturbing ways.” (The irony being that if the dead kid was made of wood, she would have been able to float a lot better than she did.)

Magic

If you want a really cool and macabre (I been dying to use that word for, like, ten minutes) movie featuring an evil ventriloquist dummy, track down Magic (1978), starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, Wolf-Man’s dad and Elephant Man’s proctologist.

Looking at Paranormal Adoption’s trailer, however, everyone seems to be doing just the opposite of ventriloquism – moving their lips and not saying anything.

Thailand Sea Monsters & Giant Sharks

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Zombies with tags , , , , , on July 8, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Bite

Even though the dialogue is in a strange and confusing language, it’s still pretty dang hard to say no to a movie that features sea monsters, zombies, a giant shark, rednecks and supermodels in swimwear that looks more like Silly String™ than legal water shorts.

Dead Bite

The Thailandia undead horror comedy Dead Bite, premiering at the 16th Annual Fantasia International Film Festival in Montreal (I don’t know where that is), has all the above and more. (It even has horny rappers. But I don’t like rap music, so that’s why I didn’t mention it before.)

The plot: “Hip-hop group Gancore Club, led by Joey Boy, find themselves stuck on Mermaid Island after a video shoot gone wrong. The group then finds themselves chased by the local villagers and zombies!”

Dead Bite

Heck take the hip hop out and put a quality smooth jazz band like The Archies in there, and you’ve got my theater coupons.

P.S. Mermaid Island. I am SO gonna go there someday. I hope The Archies tour there. Man, that’d be sweet.

New York Flying Serpents

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , on July 7, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jay Shaw

A rather ingenious “tourist” poster by famed artist Jay Shaw, making a tongue-in-cheek reference to Q – the Winged Serpent (1982), an obscure/one of sci-fi horror’s overlooked semi-classics. (Write this down with a non-digital pen: The poster, titled Q, is an 18”x24” screen print, hand numbered, and is limited to an edition of 100. You can buy only ONE for $35 New York beans at Mondotees.com. Be patience – two to three weeks to ship.)

Until your package arrives, here’s a little Q – the Winged Serpent history…

Q - The Winged Serpent

If you were a window-washer in New York in 1982, chances were your head was bitten off by Quetzacoatl, a giant flying dragon. Q (what I’m calling it now because Quetzacoatl is too hard to keep typing without screwing up) was invoked by a series of Aztec ritual murders in Manhattan (we call that the commuter rush hour). As Q zings all over town, more heads are zinged off and blood rains down upon busy New Yorkers heading to work, school or possibly the store.

Enter Jimmy, a small-time crook/piano player. After a robbery goes bad he has to hide out from his peers, so he goes to the top of the Chrysler Building where they won’t think of looking for him. Not a good plan – that’s where Q has been nesting, which explains the nesting materials and giant egg. And not the kind used to make omelettes or fluffy pound cake. Nope, this egg contains a baby Q, or so I’m theorizing.

Q - The Winged Serpent

But Jimmy’s caught between an egg and a hard place; As a crook he’s sought by the police. And yet he has to lead the very cops he’s been avoiding to the Chrysler Building (the Empire State Building was reserved for King Kong) to save New York. Time to step up and do the right thing, Jimmythen go rob a store. When the police arrive the plan to shoot Q isn’t as easy as it looked on legal-sized paper.

Q - The Winged Serpent

Great winged-serpent sequences (Q looks facially similar to those flying dragons in Lord of the Rings/2001), even though the stop-motion flying/head-biting seems a bit dated in this 1982 movie. Still, any chance you can get to watch New York heads being popped as if an uptown zit is a chance for quality Aztecan entertainment right in your own living room.

Demon Baby

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , on July 5, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

After Birth

Afterbirth is one of those phrases that anyone not in a death metal band or a moose veterinarian would rather not hear/say/gossip/joke about if it can be helped. This might make it tough going for the indie horror movie After Birth, releasing sometime this year, preferably on a day when you have an empty stomach. (Just writing about it makes me want to take a shower.) And if the title goons you out, wait ‘til you get a load of the plot…

“When the beautiful Bethany finds herself homeless, she takes up residence in an old, condemned building, not knowing it’s already occupied by an evil beyond her worst nightmare. She quickly realizes she’s pregnant, but the violent birth she endures is just the beginning of the gruesome battle she must fight against the hungry newborn with a taste for human flesh.”

After Birth

Ick.

In case you don’t know what the fuss is about, I looked it up: The placenta plus the fetal membranes that are normally expelled from the uterus after the birth of the baby. Hence, the “afterbirth.”

Ick. Ick. Ick.