Frankenstein’s Army

Frankenstein's Army

You really have to give it up smooth for Victor Frankenstein, scientist/God/history’s first zombie maker. He tried constructing a somewhat functioning human (world’s first welfare recipient) out of a jigsaw puzzle of sticky organs, mismatched blood types and less than sterile conditions (think bus station bathroom in Brautwurst Distrikt), and actually succeeded – twice – despite all the interruptions from those noisy villagers/pyromaniacs/bus station drunks.

Now Victor’s legacy is back to rub his thrills, chills and doctor bills in everyone’s gesichters with the new movie, Frankenstein’s Army (due out in 2013, the year my Budweiser’s freshness date runs out. (Like it’ll last that long – do they not know me?)

Frankenstein's Army

Here’s what went/will go down: “Toward the end of World War II, Russian soldiers pushing into eastern Germany stumble across a secret Nazi lab, one that has unearthed and begun experimenting with the journal of one Dr. Victor Frankenstein. The scientists have used the legendary Frankenstein’s work to assemble an army of supersoldiers stitched together from the body parts of their fallen comrades – a desperate Hitler’s last ghastly ploy to escape defeat.”

Stitched together? Is that what they think Vic did with body parts? More like an orchestral harmonizing of flesh with fun, if you ask me.

Frankenstein's Army

While this may echo Nazis At the Center of the Earth/2012 (Nazis are holed up in a continent in Earth’s core, planning a Third Reich homecoming – sure, like that’s believable), Frankenstein’s Army is a perfect expression of this Mitt Romney lunacy-spouting, podium-thumping era. Heck, even his name is German! I bet Mitt lives within walking distance to the Earth’s core. And who the hell names their son after a baseball glove? That’s downright un-American.

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