Archive for May, 2012

Beyond Apollo – Lost In Space

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on May 21, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beyond ApolloTheories abound as to what happened to the missing captain of an in-flight two-man space capsule. Yep, he was in there a minute ago. That much was confirmed by the other astronaut. So when the rescue team zoomed out to, uh, rescue them, they brought two extra sandwiches, but only needed one. The big question remains: what did they do with the other sandwich?

Delicious lunar snacks notwithstanding, this is the premise of Beyond Apollo, a sci-fi space mystery due to land in theaters some time in the year 2012.

Beyond ApolloSo did the captain step outside to take a leak and get left behind? Did the other astronaut freak out and eat his captain when it was discovered there were no more space sandwiches left? Did aliens need a new butt to probe? Venus commuter Harry Evans is returned to Earth (sounds like a stupid name for a planet) and has to answer to his bosses as to WTF happened to Capt. No More. As Beyond Apollo’s website teases, “The truth, as Evans will eventually discover, is far more terrifying than anything he could possibly imagine.”

Beyond Apollo

The pitch line goes on to say that “Beyond Apollo captures the eerie isolation of delving into the unknown, begs us to ask the unanswerable, and marks the separation between the real, unreal and surreal.”

Beyond Apollo

I’ll tell you what’s real, unreal and surreal – the fact that ANY mission, to Venus or some other stink planet, would not pack enough sandwiches for a round trip. That just seems so mind-bending.

Birdemic II: Flipping The Bird

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on May 20, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

How bad was/still is Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010), an homage to The Birds (1963) that cost less to make than a box of Hamburger Helper™? You’ll want to peck out your own eyes, that’s how bad. Computer-generated beaks of destruction, cut ’n pasted and hovering in one place while a software salesman and his fashion model girlfriend, making up dialogue on the spot, shoot at them with plastic guns (bang bangs added after the fact). What else do you need to know?

Birdemic II

But wait, there’s more! We’re soon to be treated to Birdemic II: The Resurrection, due out before the end of the world, which seems to be any day now. In B2, the “plot” appears to be pretty much the same sack of crap as the first one: “Bill is a struggling filmmaker; Gloria is an aspiring actress. Rod, a Silicon Valley millionaire finances Bill’s film, a dream come true until eagles and vultures attack Hollywood. Now it’s up to Rod, his girlfriend Nathalie, new friends and old, to mount the resistance. Who will survive? Birdemic II, you asked for it.”

I did not ask for Birdemic II. I didn’t ask for Birdemic I. Nevertheless, we’re all about to become park statues.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Getting High on Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , on May 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Secret Village

In The Secret Village, new horror thriller (new as of this writing, anyway), an entire small town is f’d in the b-hole when the ergot fungus (stuff that grows in the woods and on your Week 5 leftovers in the fridge) poisons everyone and makes ’em goon out in a grand display of mass hysteria. Sucks to be citizens of Secret Village.

A supermodel chick journalist and an unsuccessful screenwriter who just got a ride to Dumpsville by his ex, pair up to solve the mystery of this decades-ongoing hysteria and why the locals wanna keep it that way. If you know a hill of beans about ergot, you’ll know why. Here’s what my government grant research money unveiled…

Ergot is a plant poison used for medications that enhance sexuality.

Mystery solved.

But wait, there’s more; I clicked, uh, dug deep into library books and found that ergot is also a great source for the art of healing and the pharmaceutical industry. Those of you into mind-expansion and/or are hippies know the ergot derivative LSD is used almost exclusively as recreational drug with practically no use in conventional medicine. Which means its in huge demand.

Before you go out and start smoking/popping/injecting/distilling ergot, know that it is a fungus that lives on rye and other grasses and is pathogenic to its host as well as to humans and other animals that ingest it.

So all you worthless stink hippies go ahead and do society a favor. Everyone else, stick with Viagra™ and shots of Jager™.

Halfway Between Human And Zombie

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , on May 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Returned

It’s pretty much a given if you live in a country that has the basics (electricity, personal hygiene products, 7-Eleven™), that country will jump on the living dead movie bandwagon. Hence, The Returned, another in a l-o-n-g line of zombie movies being made on a daily basis, this one coming from Barcelona (in Spain, just up the coast from Valencia).

Despite the fact that everything in Spain ends with a vowel, The Returned is about a chick who works in a hospital (“centro médico”), changing bed pans for people infected by YET ANOTHER virus that turns people into zombies. Here’s twist – this chick’s husband is stricken and one of the returned.

The Returned

While this makes snuggle time a bit of a health/romance risk, Kate, the doctor chick, has a more dangerous element to deal with besides her own husband taking her out to eat. Ahem. A bunch of thugs that make up the Anti-Return groups, has been making repeated and brutal attacks on the dead. I don’t see the problem here; it’s not like the gangstas are hurting the zombies. When you’re dead, pain, along with bladder control, is one of those things that goes right out the window.

So you can see the hook here – Kate needs to keep her undead husband from being beaten into tomato juice by the Anit-Return groups (they do good work). There’s also something about Return Protein that either keeps the infection from making permanent jock itch all over your husk, or acts as a moisturizer for dead skin. I could be way off on this – not sure which, if at all, because I don’t speak fluent Barcelonan.

Regardless, find out for your own infectado self when The Returned, in pre-production as of this writing (7:52 in the morning – I couldn’t sleep), arrives sometime in 2012, which I believe is this year or next.

I don’t do well when I’m deprived of nappy time.

Psychotic Senior Citizens

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , on May 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kakek Cangkul

No dis to Indonesia, what with them just now getting the Internet and soap. But their horror movies seem a bit off the beaten goat trail. Take Kakek Cangkul, opening May 24, 2012 (in their land, not ours). Translated as Grandfather Hoe, it’s a horror comedy about a scythe wielding, psychotic senior citizen. Here’s the kicker – it’s a sequel to Grandmother Ladle, with a third in the franchise already in the works. (Uncle Weed Whacker? Aunt Punch Bowl? Cousin Cookie Tray? Indonesia is nothing if not a blank canvas on which to go nuts.)

Hobo With A Shotgun

Grandfather Hoe sounds like a spin on our Hobo With A Shotgun (or Gelandangan dengan Shotgun for all my Indonesian-speaking readers). As for the plot, your guess is as good as mine. From the looks of the one-sheet, an old guy goes around killing people with a rusty scythe, wraps them up in whatever the Indonesian equivalent to Saran™ Cling Plus® Wrap is, and stores them in the jungle, where foreign squirrels and multi-cultural stink bugs can gnaw away at the decaying flesh. Or maybe that’s how people in Indonesia dress. Beats me with a scythe.

And just so you have a point of reference, the scythe is an agricultural hand tool for mowing grass or reaping crops. In this country we use tractors and lawn mowers and get people from other nations to operate ’em.

Kakek Cangkul stars Herfiza Novianti and Zaki Zimah. Yes, THE Zaki Zimah. I always wondered what became of him after Pocong jumat kliwon (2010), a touching story about a ghost and a wig.

Screw Bhutan – I’m booking my vacation to Indonesia. Sounds like there’s a party at the end of every goat trail!

Can’t Sleep…Clowns Will Eat Me

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scary or Die

Circus clowns don’t scare me. Unless they’re driving the plane, train or clown car I’m riding in. But by and large, painted faces, day-glo hair, putty noses, and even sweet ass multi-colored pajamas don’t invoke any suppressed fear within. I’m pretty well-balanced that way. But circus monkeys are a different tale. I have a deep-rooted fear of having chimpanzee poop thrown at me.

That’s another blog entirely.

But in Scary or Die, a new indie horror movie that’s just now arriving on DVD, VOD, OMG, LOL, WTF, has a flesh-eating clown in it. That’s kinda scary. It also has a vengeful Necromancer (noun 1. a method of divination through alleged communication with the dead; black art), a dirty cop (unwashed officer of the law and/or a corrupt badge wearer), Mexican zombies (Aye caramba!), and a mysterious woman and lonely man looking for love in all the wrong places (Wal-Mart™, garbage can, my apartment).

If you haven’t figured it out already, Scary or Die is (from the website) “five interwoven horror stories that take place in and around the “City of Angles.” (I think they mean Los Angeles. That, or some town loaded with clowns and… Never mind, it’s Los Angeles.)

Scary or Die

In the segment Clowned, Corbin Bleu – the kid who once had Sideshow Bob hair and was named after salad dressing – plays a street hustler who “gets bitten by a clown at a birthday party and begins to undergo a Kafkaesque metamorphosis with horrifying consequences.” Three questions: What was a street hustler doing at a birthday party? What was a flesh-eating clown doing at a birthday party? And who, besides poop-flinging monkeys uses the term “Kafkaesque” anymore?

PennywiseThe skin-chomping clown in Scary or Die looks pretty cool. They might have used Pennywise from Stephen King’s It (book, 1986/TV mini-series, 1990) as a business model. Played by pop culture icon and fishnet stocking cottage industry Tim Curry (see Rocky Horror Picture Show/1975), Pennywise has nifty rotted fangs (gum disease is a horrible and yet entirely preventable condition), and causes unease for a bunch of grown-up kids over the course of 1,090 excruciatingly tedious character developed pages.

It took me a week to read Stephen King’s book. It took me 192 minutes to watch the TV mini-series. And Barnes & Noble ™ wonders why I don’t come in anymore. Hey B&N – lose the phone books and get more DVDs. And would it kill you with a flesh-eating clown to price them at $2.99 each, including new releases?

Books stores should totally hire me. Not zoos or circuses, though. All it would take is one steaming paw full lobbed in my direction…

Santa Claus Does A Killer Job

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Santa Claus is not always the benevolent and unconditional giver of toys you play with once and then throw in the closet on top of your exercise equipment. In the Silent Night, Deadly Night remake (that only took almost 30 years – WTF?), there are piles of Santas, drunk and partying, getting f’n filled with the magic of the season and vodka. Why? It’s Christmas, man!

But during Cryer, Wisconsin’s annual Santa parade, which draws every fat guy who can squeeze into a red suit, there’s a serial killer cleverly disguised as you know who. (Serial killing is not cool, but you have to admit, this is pretty brilliant.) So Serial Claus has made his own naughty list and sets out to make them pay for a year’s worth of unbecoming holiday language and behavior. And you’ll get to see Silent Night, Deadly Night sometime in 2012, probably around Christmas, which would make a lot of marketing sense.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1987)

Just so the serial killer doesn’t get me, in my so-called behavioral deviancy defense, my stupid health insurance doesn’t cover x-rays, so the copy machine seemed a perfectly logical choice to get an up close image of my, um, problem area in question. That I did this during a staff Christmas party simply means poor health does not take a holiday.

For a couple of recent Santa-gone-wild horror movies that don’t fall prey to ’80s styled slasher crap, check out Rare Exports (Finland, 2010) and Sint (Amsterdam, 2010), both of which casts Santa in a refreshing new murderous light.

Rare Exports

In Rare Exports, an entire mountain top is being excavated in order to unearth “the largest burial mound in the world.” But what was in there is still alive. It gets out and next thing you know, local reindeer (those smelly things are commercially raised in Finland where this was filmed) and kids are mysteriously slaughtered. Yep, it was Santa Claus who did it. (He was the “still alive” thing buried in the mountain.)

Santa is captured and kept in a cage. I cried when I saw this. There are several neck-cracking twists that will have you mouthing “WTF?”, including the scene (and I’m not making this up) of a huge herd of dirty Santa Clauses, all about 75-80 years old with long white scruffy ZZ Top beards, sprinting down a snow-covered mountain side at night – 100% naked. Your holiday season isn’t complete until you have this image burned into your memory.

Sint

Then there’s the fully-clothed Sint (or “Saint” in our official language), who arrives on horseback with his gangsta elves and robs and butchers people every time there’s a full moon on December 5. The town fights back and burn Sinterklass and his thugs alive after they try and get away by old wooden pirate boat that looks about as sea worthy as my 1973 Chevy Nova with rusted pontoons.

And just because, Sint comes back from the dead as a killing-spree zombie and rides his death horse on rooftops covered in snow (I don’t know how the horse kept from slipping – maybe it was really a mountain goat that looked horse-like). And along with his resurrected gang, he tears the town a new chimney hole. Several inspired death scenes really bring home the holiday spirit.

It’s almost summer as of this writing, but it’s never too early to get into the Christmas mood – as bloody and hurt-y as it may sometimes get.