Archive for May, 2012

Halfway Between Human And Zombie

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , on May 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Returned

It’s pretty much a given if you live in a country that has the basics (electricity, personal hygiene products, 7-Eleven™), that country will jump on the living dead movie bandwagon. Hence, The Returned, another in a l-o-n-g line of zombie movies being made on a daily basis, this one coming from Barcelona (in Spain, just up the coast from Valencia).

Despite the fact that everything in Spain ends with a vowel, The Returned is about a chick who works in a hospital (“centro médico”), changing bed pans for people infected by YET ANOTHER virus that turns people into zombies. Here’s twist – this chick’s husband is stricken and one of the returned.

The Returned

While this makes snuggle time a bit of a health/romance risk, Kate, the doctor chick, has a more dangerous element to deal with besides her own husband taking her out to eat. Ahem. A bunch of thugs that make up the Anti-Return groups, has been making repeated and brutal attacks on the dead. I don’t see the problem here; it’s not like the gangstas are hurting the zombies. When you’re dead, pain, along with bladder control, is one of those things that goes right out the window.

So you can see the hook here – Kate needs to keep her undead husband from being beaten into tomato juice by the Anit-Return groups (they do good work). There’s also something about Return Protein that either keeps the infection from making permanent jock itch all over your husk, or acts as a moisturizer for dead skin. I could be way off on this – not sure which, if at all, because I don’t speak fluent Barcelonan.

Regardless, find out for your own infectado self when The Returned, in pre-production as of this writing (7:52 in the morning – I couldn’t sleep), arrives sometime in 2012, which I believe is this year or next.

I don’t do well when I’m deprived of nappy time.

Psychotic Senior Citizens

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , on May 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kakek Cangkul

No dis to Indonesia, what with them just now getting the Internet and soap. But their horror movies seem a bit off the beaten goat trail. Take Kakek Cangkul, opening May 24, 2012 (in their land, not ours). Translated as Grandfather Hoe, it’s a horror comedy about a scythe wielding, psychotic senior citizen. Here’s the kicker – it’s a sequel to Grandmother Ladle, with a third in the franchise already in the works. (Uncle Weed Whacker? Aunt Punch Bowl? Cousin Cookie Tray? Indonesia is nothing if not a blank canvas on which to go nuts.)

Hobo With A Shotgun

Grandfather Hoe sounds like a spin on our Hobo With A Shotgun (or Gelandangan dengan Shotgun for all my Indonesian-speaking readers). As for the plot, your guess is as good as mine. From the looks of the one-sheet, an old guy goes around killing people with a rusty scythe, wraps them up in whatever the Indonesian equivalent to Saran™ Cling Plus® Wrap is, and stores them in the jungle, where foreign squirrels and multi-cultural stink bugs can gnaw away at the decaying flesh. Or maybe that’s how people in Indonesia dress. Beats me with a scythe.

And just so you have a point of reference, the scythe is an agricultural hand tool for mowing grass or reaping crops. In this country we use tractors and lawn mowers and get people from other nations to operate ’em.

Kakek Cangkul stars Herfiza Novianti and Zaki Zimah. Yes, THE Zaki Zimah. I always wondered what became of him after Pocong jumat kliwon (2010), a touching story about a ghost and a wig.

Screw Bhutan – I’m booking my vacation to Indonesia. Sounds like there’s a party at the end of every goat trail!

Can’t Sleep…Clowns Will Eat Me

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , on May 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scary or Die

Circus clowns don’t scare me. Unless they’re driving the plane, train or clown car I’m riding in. But by and large, painted faces, day-glo hair, putty noses, and even sweet ass multi-colored pajamas don’t invoke any suppressed fear within. I’m pretty well-balanced that way. But circus monkeys are a different tale. I have a deep-rooted fear of having chimpanzee poop thrown at me.

That’s another blog entirely.

But in Scary or Die, a new indie horror movie that’s just now arriving on DVD, VOD, OMG, LOL, WTF, has a flesh-eating clown in it. That’s kinda scary. It also has a vengeful Necromancer (noun 1. a method of divination through alleged communication with the dead; black art), a dirty cop (unwashed officer of the law and/or a corrupt badge wearer), Mexican zombies (Aye caramba!), and a mysterious woman and lonely man looking for love in all the wrong places (Wal-Mart™, garbage can, my apartment).

If you haven’t figured it out already, Scary or Die is (from the website) “five interwoven horror stories that take place in and around the “City of Angles.” (I think they mean Los Angeles. That, or some town loaded with clowns and… Never mind, it’s Los Angeles.)

Scary or Die

In the segment Clowned, Corbin Bleu – the kid who once had Sideshow Bob hair and was named after salad dressing – plays a street hustler who “gets bitten by a clown at a birthday party and begins to undergo a Kafkaesque metamorphosis with horrifying consequences.” Three questions: What was a street hustler doing at a birthday party? What was a flesh-eating clown doing at a birthday party? And who, besides poop-flinging monkeys uses the term “Kafkaesque” anymore?

PennywiseThe skin-chomping clown in Scary or Die looks pretty cool. They might have used Pennywise from Stephen King’s It (book, 1986/TV mini-series, 1990) as a business model. Played by pop culture icon and fishnet stocking cottage industry Tim Curry (see Rocky Horror Picture Show/1975), Pennywise has nifty rotted fangs (gum disease is a horrible and yet entirely preventable condition), and causes unease for a bunch of grown-up kids over the course of 1,090 excruciatingly tedious character developed pages.

It took me a week to read Stephen King’s book. It took me 192 minutes to watch the TV mini-series. And Barnes & Noble ™ wonders why I don’t come in anymore. Hey B&N – lose the phone books and get more DVDs. And would it kill you with a flesh-eating clown to price them at $2.99 each, including new releases?

Books stores should totally hire me. Not zoos or circuses, though. All it would take is one steaming paw full lobbed in my direction…

Santa Claus Does A Killer Job

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on May 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Santa Claus is not always the benevolent and unconditional giver of toys you play with once and then throw in the closet on top of your exercise equipment. In the Silent Night, Deadly Night remake (that only took almost 30 years – WTF?), there are piles of Santas, drunk and partying, getting f’n filled with the magic of the season and vodka. Why? It’s Christmas, man!

But during Cryer, Wisconsin’s annual Santa parade, which draws every fat guy who can squeeze into a red suit, there’s a serial killer cleverly disguised as you know who. (Serial killing is not cool, but you have to admit, this is pretty brilliant.) So Serial Claus has made his own naughty list and sets out to make them pay for a year’s worth of unbecoming holiday language and behavior. And you’ll get to see Silent Night, Deadly Night sometime in 2012, probably around Christmas, which would make a lot of marketing sense.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1987)

Just so the serial killer doesn’t get me, in my so-called behavioral deviancy defense, my stupid health insurance doesn’t cover x-rays, so the copy machine seemed a perfectly logical choice to get an up close image of my, um, problem area in question. That I did this during a staff Christmas party simply means poor health does not take a holiday.

For a couple of recent Santa-gone-wild horror movies that don’t fall prey to ’80s styled slasher crap, check out Rare Exports (Finland, 2010) and Sint (Amsterdam, 2010), both of which casts Santa in a refreshing new murderous light.

Rare Exports

In Rare Exports, an entire mountain top is being excavated in order to unearth “the largest burial mound in the world.” But what was in there is still alive. It gets out and next thing you know, local reindeer (those smelly things are commercially raised in Finland where this was filmed) and kids are mysteriously slaughtered. Yep, it was Santa Claus who did it. (He was the “still alive” thing buried in the mountain.)

Santa is captured and kept in a cage. I cried when I saw this. There are several neck-cracking twists that will have you mouthing “WTF?”, including the scene (and I’m not making this up) of a huge herd of dirty Santa Clauses, all about 75-80 years old with long white scruffy ZZ Top beards, sprinting down a snow-covered mountain side at night – 100% naked. Your holiday season isn’t complete until you have this image burned into your memory.

Sint

Then there’s the fully-clothed Sint (or “Saint” in our official language), who arrives on horseback with his gangsta elves and robs and butchers people every time there’s a full moon on December 5. The town fights back and burn Sinterklass and his thugs alive after they try and get away by old wooden pirate boat that looks about as sea worthy as my 1973 Chevy Nova with rusted pontoons.

And just because, Sint comes back from the dead as a killing-spree zombie and rides his death horse on rooftops covered in snow (I don’t know how the horse kept from slipping – maybe it was really a mountain goat that looked horse-like). And along with his resurrected gang, he tears the town a new chimney hole. Several inspired death scenes really bring home the holiday spirit.

It’s almost summer as of this writing, but it’s never too early to get into the Christmas mood – as bloody and hurt-y as it may sometimes get.

Area 51: A Full-Service Gas Station For UFOs

Posted in Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , on May 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Area 51 Confidential

According to my lord and master, the TV, there is a not-so-secret government installation out in the middle of Lip-Split, Nevada. And you’re not gonna believe this – they do oil changes on UFOs there. Straight up. And TV would certainly not lie to me, not after all these years.

Now someone has made the 1,006th movie about all the above. Called Area 51 Confidential, it’s coincidentally the 1,006th found footage film released this year as well. Taking place at Area 51 (it’s one better than Area 50 because it has an extra bathroom), a bunch of people trying to get hired to change the tires on UFOs go through a military training exercise, all the while being filmed found footage style. According to the press release, there’s a “broadcast journalist, a documentarian, a teenage girl from Roswell, an army Colonel, and a man who had previously been thought ‘missing’ for a number of years.”

Area 51 Confidential

So to get the party started, these potential employees wake up in the middle of the desert, not knowing how they got there. Not even one day on the job, and they slept in. Slackers. Now they have to sort out their differences (those who believe in TV and those who don’t) and get the stink outta there before strange lurking creatures find them first. (Note: lurking creatures are usually strange. And strange creatures often lurk. Do the math.)

Area 51 Confidential promises “twists and turns, and character development not normally seen in this sub genre.” Thank you, but I do not want any of that. I want strange lurking creatures from outer space, UFOs, and a wide array of cussing and/or swearing. It’s what we people of Earth do best. That, and fold like fresh laundry under duress. And that’s not so confidential; the entire Universe knows what p*ssies we are. Yeah, I said it.

Area 51 Confidential comes out pretty soon. I don’t know when exactly. I like sandwiches.

The Dark Side of Dark

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , on May 11, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Feed

I’ve never understood why horror filmmakers go through all the hell, heck and hassle of making a movie, only to wuss out on the final product by putting the word “dark” in the title. Not only is it a slacker move, it just doesn’t have the same impact as, say, “double blackness a’plenty.”

So Dark Feed it is for another “film crew that moves into an abandoned psychiatric hospital with a shadowy past to film a horror movie” cliched thriller. The building seems to come alive and feeds off its trespassers, blah, blah, blah. If they want everyone to watch it, they should rename it Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital with a Shadowy Past.

Dark Feed is the brainchild of the writers of The Ward (2010), that tepid John Carpenter movie. Means nothing. Spank my monkey.

On a positive note, Dark Feed was filmed using some of the same abandoned buildings with shadowy pasts that were used in the fairly awesome Shutter Island (2010). Thankfully, they didn’t call it Dark Island. Or Shuttered Darkness. Or Island of Dark Stuff.

I’m running low on meds.

Girls Gone Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , on May 10, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Girls Gone Dead

Girls Gone Dead, a self-proclaimed throwback to the ’80s horror sex genre (boring even back then), is more noteworthy due to its cast than the plot, which can easily be described in three words (see movie title).

Girls Gone Dead

You have JerryThe King” (and he is) Lawler from WWE™, Al Sapienza from The Sopranos (never saw any episodes; I have enough reoccurring bad habits), A Penthouse Pet (is that jerk mag still around?), The Howard Stern Show’s Beetlejuice, that little weirdo dude who doesn’t brush what’s left of his teeth, Linnea Quigley – supreme scream queen, Ron Jeremy (the ugly guy with the foot long), and Nicko McBain, drummer for Iron Maiden, the greatest heavy metal band in the world. Heck, there may even be a cameo by Kitchen Sink.

Girls Gone DeadThe “plot”: Six beautiful high school friends reunite for spring break during their freshman year in college – only to find that a sadistic killer with a medieval war hammer has targeted them.” OK, this is not a plot..it’s a flat punch line to a joke you’ve heard since the 1980s. And medieval war hammer? Didn’t they open up for Maiden back in the day?

For those of you prone to morning medieval war hammers, Girls Gone Dead arrives July 17, 2012 on DVD. (Are those things still around?) For everyone else, you may now go back to watching the paint-drying Olympics.

Dragon Wasps Will Bug You To Death

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , on May 9, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dragon Wasps

If a giant wasp stung you in the head, would you scream like a little girl? Of course you would. Don’t be ridiculous. And screaming is what everyone in Dragon Wasps, a new 2012 sci-fi bug-gone-wild movie, does. And loudly, too. People die, though, because the wasps are the size of another man-made insect – the Volkswagon Bug. Heh.

A supermodel’s dad goes missing in the jungle during an expedition. My guess is that he was eaten by bears. And not just fashion catalog worthy, this gal is also an entomologist, someone with a degree who gets off on studying icky crawly things. And it’s important to the plot that she has an assistant, equally at home in a string bikini as she is in a see-through lab coat.

Dragon Wasps

So off they go into the danger jungles of Belize, escorted by stinky but heavily armed soldiers. And while we’re waiting for the stars to make a stinging appearance, a militant gang ambushes the convoy, because that’s what jungle militants do. (This is what happens when people are deprived of TV.)

Dragon Wasps

While shooting each other in the face, the headlining dragon wasps buzz out of the sky, roasting everyone with the flames shooting out of their stomachs. I find that to be kick ass. These bugs sting you to death and carry you off to later be eaten in some form or fashion. Hey, if not by wasps, then bears. I did say it’s a jungle out there.

Dragon Wasps

For some reason everyone has to go into the giant wasp’s hive, where they will meet their density. (Yes, I said density, not destiny. You’d have to be pretty thick in the head to go paying a visit to Dragon Wasp Apartments.) And do we care about any efforts to survive the giant killer bugs? I say nope. The whole purpose here is to see everyone get stung in the head and die.

I know, I’m being far too optimistic. Can’t help it; I’m a “hive half full” kind of guy.

Saturday Morning Ghost Hunters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , on May 7, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Saturday Morning Massacre

The movie’s called Saturday Morning Massacre and it has an amateur team of paranormal investigators driving around, looking for supernatural events to debunk. The team is made up of a hot chick, a cute nerdy chick, a handsome dude and a scruffy hippie with a big dog, both of whom look all hopped up on goofers.

Scooby Doo

Does this sound familiar? Here’s a clue – this premise has been around for over four decades. I’m of course referring to the ratings proof Scooby Doo™ cartoon series, which has been on the air non-stop since 1969 (year one for hippies). And Saturday Morning Massacre, (screening at the L.A. Film Festival in May, 2012), stopping just short of saying it’s an homage to Scooby Doo (legal reasons, no doubt), applies the current “ghost hunter” reality TV show bull crap and soaks it in much needed blood for a tongue-in-cheek kick in the cheek.

Saturday Morning Massacre

The team is running out of cash because, hey, who the hell is gonna pay for ghostly exorcisms? They take on a case that has them flashlight investigating the abandoned Kyser schoolhouse, home to mysterious disappearances and violent deaths. And bloody homework. (I just made up that last part.) That there are reports of satanic practices means the team is gonna have to put in some overtime. But what they find out is that Kyser is not haunted at all, but rather it’s… (I’d tell you, but then you’d end up hating my stinkin’ guts.)

Scooby DooSpeaking of Scooby Doo™, you might recall the 2002 live action adaptation with actors and a computer-generated great dane that left virtual dog poop all over the set. (Pointless knowledge freaks – Scooby Doo got his name from “Strangers in the Night,” the 1966 song made famous by Frank Sinatra, and the final lyric, “Scooby dooby doo…”). Scooby Doo, the movie, was followed up in 2004 by Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed.

I did not see either as I’m allergic to CRAP. And hippies.

I’ll Gladly Pay You Tuesday For A Human Burger Today

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , on May 6, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Foodie

Regardless of what cannibals with stinky breath tell you – human flesh does NOT taste like chicken. From what I’m told by Uruguayan rugby teams, it tastes mildly salty, gamey, gristle-y, and a lot like seal blubber, but without the fishy kick back. The ONLY reason I bring this up is because there’s a new horror comedy short called Foodie, in which a guy gets invited to a super secret meal at Kitchen X, a “high-class eatery.” If you combine my opening statement with the movie’s outline, you’ll get what the restaurant is serving. And to that I say ick.

The movie is showing here and there as a way to raise money to get on the film circuit. They’d have an easier time getting on a McDonald’s Happy Meal™ menu. Nevertheless, Foodie takes the starch out of the whole snob food culture and those pretentious wads who won’t eat anything unless is has extra vowels/syllables and comes from some dump of a country with an unpronounceable name that jacks the price of the food simply because it sounds expensive.

HorrorSociety.com, first to jump on this movie, calls Foodie “near flawless.” That sounds like something a food critic would say after eating sewer escargot served in simmering restaurant grade ketchup. (Which is quite yummy, by the way. Don’t look at me like that.)