Shadow People

Shadow People

As stealthily as their name, those spooky ass Shadow People have been sneaking their way onto screens of all sizes for some years now. As defined by the all-knowing Internet, shadow people are supernatural shadow-like humanoid figures that are seen flickering on walls and ceilings in the viewer’s peripheral vision. They are often reported moving with quick, jerky movements, and quickly disintegrate into walls or mirrors. (If shadow people are shadow peepers as well, I think I can explain the quick jerky movements.)

There’s a new horror movie called, astonishingly enough, Shadow People, which deals with the above subject matter. While there have been Shadow People movies going as far back as I can remember (five years – it’s a genentic thing), let’s start with the new one and move backward in time, which I’m often accused of doing…

People are dying and the CDC (Center for Douche bag Control) believes the deaths to be a rare medical phenomenon called SUNDS (Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome). But it’s really TGDSP (Those G*ddamn Shadow People). It’s up to the crack team of a small town late night talk show radio host and a supermodel CDC Public Health Agent to throw some light on this mystery. I hope they fail.

Vanishing on 7th Street

Just like the Rapture promised, people are literally evaporating right before your very eyes. But they aren’t going to the fictional get-out-of-jail free card known as Heaven – they’re going to an all too real Hell, compliments of the shadow people, who can grab you right out of your clothes once you step into their shadowy-ickiness. The few survivors left in Detroit are all too happy when the sun comes up. But not when the generator that powers their light sources runs out of juice at night. Who cares? Sun light could give you skin cancer.

The Shadow People

Made for $2,000, The Shadow People got by on a slick premise and special effects that only required somebody casting a really inexpensive shadow. A chick wakes up from a 9-month coma (put there in that state because there was nothing good on TV) and finds out she’s knocked up and ready to pop out the Antichrist. Hope the diapers are fireproof. She and her friends try and prevent the birth, but the Shadow People are not only scary minions from the Seventh Layer of Hell, but highly-trained obstetricians as well.

The Shadow People

A one-percenter tries to use his corporate paycheck to buy immortality. He can sorta do this by way of an ancient dark prophecy. Performing a ritual called the “Drawing of the Shadows” (they used dark crayons for that), demons of darkness, or “shadow people” come out and poke out everyone’s eyes with freshly-sharpened crayons. (OK, maybe not that last part.) But someone is gonna get deadened up because that’s what shadow people are supposed to do to you. True that – it’s in the Bible near the back, next to all those ads for Sea Monkeys and X-Ray Specs.

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