Archive for April, 2012

The Horror of Rock ’n Roll

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , on April 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deadtime

Rock ’n roll themed horror movies, more prevalent in the late ’80s/early ’90s, are sadly far and few between. The most recent one, Suck (2009, a vampire rock comedy starring Alice Cooper, Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, and that little electronic noise-making scamp, Moby), was the last I can recall. Now comes Deadtime, a rock slasher movie coming from England, birthplace of slashers. (Jack the Ripper, remember?)

Arriving in the UK on DVD on May 14, 2012, the generically-titled Deadtime revolves around the rock ’n metal band, Love Meets Murder. While I don’t own any of their illegally downloaded MP3s or over-priced tour shirts, that’s no reason to slash each band member to death. (I’ll leave that to the critics.) But a psycho slasher is on the loose and just bought tickets to their demise.

Deadtime

The trailer is loaded with lots of bloody festivities, though seeing a killer in a potato sack mask seems less than impressive. (When, oh when will a slasher use a flour sack mask? Flour makes bread. I eat bread. I often make bread rock even harder with the liberal application of peanut butter.)

Outside of Suck, which was funnier than heckaroo, another obscure horror rock movie that needs to be revisited is Shock ’em Dead (1990), where fast food nerd sells his soul to a crusty demonic voodoo woman with questionable hygiene to become the world’s greatest rock star in a band called Spastique Kolon.

Shock 'Em Dead Of course, such demonic deals always come with a price, this being that the nerd is turned into a guy with big hair who has a guitar with two necks, pointing east and west – one for each hand. In rock star form he gets chicks who’ll do it with him for no other reason than he looks famous, even though he doesn’t have a record out.

Shock 'Em DeadPorn vet Traci Lords is in this charmer, but sadly doesn’t take her clothes off. The rock star’s hands are played by real life guitar wank Michael Angelo, who perfected the double-handed cheese guitar maneuver back in the late ’80 – and still does it to this day. [see YouTube™] During his “audition” for the band, Angel (the rock star) gives their limp-wristed lead singer the boot, not because he isn’t talented, which his day-glo spandex and headband indicate HE IS, but because he stuffs. [see YourTube] His reaction to the demonic rock star after a two-handed solo that burns everyone’s faces off: “Every f*cking retard thinks he’s a rock star; I’ve made better sounds on the pot.” 

I’m hoping he was referring to the harmless gateway drug and not the heralded porcelain receptacle.

Why, It’s Yet Another Zombie Movie!

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on April 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ground Zero

Blood splattered and creepy.” The endorsement given by journalism Pulitzer prize winner Ezinearticles.com, describing in five words or less the long-overdue zombie movie, Ground Zero. A supremely lazy soundbite given that “blood splattered and creepy” could be used to describe everything from a hamburger from a Tijuana food truck to a prom date with Carrie. Or a proctology exam performed on someone not me.

Ground Zero, arriving in August 2012, breaks no new zombie ground. In fact,  like nearly every other zombie movie of the week, GZ arrives D.O.A. due to its short-sighted and cliched premise.

Ground ZeroHere’s the plot (if you could call it that): “Two pairs of cleaners – one professional and one amateur – are assigned to dispose of a bunch of dead bodies in a warehouse. Unfortunately, a corpse they’ve already picked up is infected with a virus that causes it, and soon other stiffs, to come back to violent life.”

The movie company’s website goes on to say that “Ground Zero is a visceral new take on the zombie origin genre that will have you frozen with fear.”

No it isn’t and no it won’t.

Ground ZeroA virus? Really? That’s all you could come up with? Does no one come back from the dead after eating Campbell’s Cream of Chicken™ soup anymore? And why not have the living eat the undead for a change, and have those stink bags trying to get away from humans who would open food trucks that sell organic zombie burgers? Plenty of laughs, I’m thinkin’.

So yeah, YET ANOTHER zombie movie with YET ANOTHER virus and YET ANOTHER plot that accomplishes nothing more than a 90 minute waste of time better spent sleeping/hanging out/scratching one’s butt/eating zombie burgers.

Blood Rush

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , on April 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Rush

The word vague is defined as something or rather being not clearly or explicitly stated or expressed. This is why one must always order a refreshing adult beverage with clear intention. Wrong way: “Give me a beer or I’ll kill you!” Right way: “Give me a domestic, moderately priced light beer in a chilled glass or I’ll kill you!”

And vague is the word that accurately describes Blood Rush, a new indie horror movie arriving August of 2012 that involves blood and, um…. I’m not sure what it’s about. Here’s why: “When a small town is overcome with a blood lust, the local witch doctor is thought to be the source. But they are unaware that he has a different agenda.”

What?

Then there’s the other synopsis: “No one is safe from the virus affecting the town that’s turning everyone into flesh hungry monsters.”

Blood Rush

A little more clearer, but still needing clarification. Is Blood Rush a zombie movie? A voodoo movie? An independent film made as an homage to ’80s horror with lots of boobs and blood? I’m so confused.

Blood Rush

In the end, how can I prematurely and unfairly criticize Blood Rush into the ground before it comes out if I don’t have a clue as to what the movie is actually about? Thanks a lot, independent horror movie makers – you are so mean.

Radio Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , on April 14, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost On Air

In the new Singapore horror movie Ghost On Air, Ping Xiao has more things to worry about than his first name, which sounds like something you’d call a Shih Tzu with a bubblegum pink tongue and a fluffy tail. A morning radio talk show host, he was usurped by a younger DJ, who has greater ambitions and a way cooler name. (That’s a plot spoiler, but it rhymes with Shih Tzu. OK, not really.)

Pinging with jealousy, Ping slowly works towards regaining his “Most Popular DJ”status by recanting ghost stories on air, as written by his recently deceased girlfriend. (Man, Ping can’t win for losing.) This is painful to P (heh), to say nothing of the ghost gossip that make your ping ping go numb.

Ghost On Air

Eventually, these paranormal poltergeists put him back on the throne of popular opinion. But something’s bugging the Pingster – maybe those stories weren’t fiction after all. His dead trim’s stories seem to be uncannily realistic for just being made up.

OK, I’m gonna potentially wreck the whole movie for you, which I haven’t seen as it comes out on May 10, 2012: I totally bet Ping’s G-friend wrote those stories from the insider ghost perspective because she’s been a ghost all along. Ha!

Ghost On Air

No need to thank me –I do this stuff for a living. Of course, I don’t make any money doing it, but hey, beats working for a living. (OK, none of that made any sense, which proves I’m unsuitable for conventional employment.)

Rugaru – It’s a Swamp Thing

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , on April 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rugaru

There’s a hairy beast that lives in the woods that rim a small bayou town filled with redneck citizens who drink beer out of cans and don’t put the refreshing beverages on coasters. The monster is not Cajun Bigfoot, but may be a close relative, and eats human flesh. Worse still, the beer cans, tragically, will likely leave rings on coffee tables.

In the independent horror movie Rugaru (dorky as it is, that’s the monster’s name), the creature is summoned to duty by a criminal via a voodoo poem or haiku. Said monster goes on a rampage and punishes those who leave beer can rings on coffee tables. (Sorry. I just hate it when people do that to Ikea™ furniture.)

Rugaru

While this sounds like a page taken from Pumpkinhead (1988), the criminal uses the curse for protection. Fat chance – mythological monsters may be crazy dangerous, but they don’t like people who have chosen a career in the law-breaking arts. So after the monster is unleashed, the criminal disappears, and a parole officer has to go stepping in swamp gunk to find out WTF. I’m sure there’s more to it. At least I hope there is; the trailer isn’t selling me as it only show’s the creature’s thumb. That’s like those miracle diet pill commercials that only show the weight loss testimonies from the neck up.

In real life, the Rugaru starts out as a genetic mutation. (Based on that criteria, my neighbors are all Rugarus.) These creatures are human in appearance for years until something ignites a murderous/cannibalistic hunger. (In fairness to my mutant neighbors, I’m pretty much the trigger.) Once the Rugaru is outted, it can never go back to looking human again. The only way to get rid of it is to set it on fire.

I should lighten up on my noisy A-hole neighbors. Maybe throw a friendly party and invite them. A open flame backyard BBQ sounds about right.

Japanese Shapeshifters

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , on April 12, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Henge

If you are a henge you’re essentially a shapeshifter and can shift your shape into another people type person or a supernatural monster as it pertains to Japanese folklore. While I consider my own self a henge and can easily shift from a sober entity to a drunk one (it’s really fun), the unfortunate man in Henge, a new sci-fi horror movie from Japanlandia, morphs into an ickier version of the Elephant Man and causes headaches and bloodletting to those around him.

HengeHenge, for now only scheduled for release in the country in which it was filmed, has a plot that leaves more questions that it answers: “A young couple’s lives take a turn for the worse after a mysterious attack on the husband leaves him suffering from some bizarre after effects.”

He might have been jacked by another Yōkai, a mythical thingamajig that often possesses animal features and has spiritual supernatural powers, shapeshifting being one of them. Yōkai that can shapeshift are called obake. I don’t know how to pronounce that word. Whatever it does to him must affect his tongue – in the trailer his only dialogue is “Aggggghhhhh!”

Henge

My own henge powers are limited. For example, my attempts to shapeshift into a porn actor has yielded zero results. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. I’ll have to go to Japan and have somebody read out loud to me from a hengeology field guide. That, or Yōkai for Dummies.

The Other Howling

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , on April 10, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Howling

It’d totally suck if you were a werewolf but could only change into a four-legged dog version. If I’m to change under the light of the moon, I wanna look like a two-legged guy with hair covering my naughty parts, have yellow eyes (high beams for night stalking) and grow fangs that would make a Swiss army knife jealous. Being a creature of the night that looks like a garden variety mean dog ain’t cuttin’ it.

And a wolf doggy is just what the “monster” in Korea’s lazily-titled Howling looks like. So much so, the only thing missing is a flea collar and a nearby fire hydrant.

Howling

But that’s what the butt-sniffer is supposed to be. He’s not a werewolf, but rather a hybrid dog/wolf that unfortunately doesn’t chase paperboys or mailmen and bites them on their naughty parts. Nope, this hot-diggity dog burns people alive. Unusual? Perhaps. But what dog wouldn’t like a nice char-broiled butt-steak over a raw one? (Heads up to wolf dog – that brown stuff coming out of a char-broiled butt-steak isn’t gravy.)

Two detectives, speaking in a language that facilitates the need for sub-titles, investigate the crispy corpses turning up around the city. The older cop thinks it’s suicide by lighter fluid. The younger chick cop thinks it’s a hybrid wolf dog that has the ability to burn human flesh. One of them is right.

Wolfen

Wolf dogs are not a new concept in horror. Disregarding those underwear model wolf dudes in Twilight, one only has to go back as far as 1981’s Wolfen for some real animal hybrid action. In that one, gangs of wolf dogs that may or may not be paranormal in nature (though certainly believed so by Indian folklore), roam the New York streets at night, getting human take out. Their eyes glow, which means they might have powers of some sort. I’ll have to consult Agent Mulder.

A half wolf/half dog seems kinda redundant. I might be more interested in seeing Howling if the wolf dog did stuff like pee energy drinks (which taste like piss already), can swim underwater, had fangs that could perforate jet skis, and could fly while leaving a trail of gravy. Oh, and this creature’s diet would have to consist solely of paperboys and mailmen. You know, for realism sake.

Zombie Boobs

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zomboobies

Zombies hungering for boobs instead of brains. BEST. PLOT. EVER.

Mind you, I still think anyone doing/planning to do a zombie movie these days is a Stage 4 Dumbass. But with a refreshing and totally relatable plot construct that has the undead going after the undressed, then exceptions to the rule have to be made.

Zomboobies Zomboobies!, the Japanese horror comedy due out in 2012, some doctors, doing extremely important work to advance mankind, experiment to create the “perfect breast.” God bless scientists. But somewhere along the way they are transformed into evil mutant creatures with an unstoppable hunger for…BOOBIES! (They must’ve accidentally drank a few cases of beer, which ramps up the desire for boobs.) Now hot action women have to fight to keep their perfect breasts out of the hands and mouths of these mutant evil doctors.

BEST. PLOT. EVER.

Zomboobies

Due to the beneficial societal implications of these brave doctors’ work gives me inspiration to resume my own scientific career, and that is to perfect beer powder (just add water). FYI: I’ve already filed for a patent. You snooze, you lose.

Zomboobies

Zomboobies! (aka Opai-Zuki-Zombie) is full of boobs so large, this thing needs to be shown in triple-D wide-screen Imax™. As mentioned, Zomboobies! arrives sometime in 2012. When it does get here, don’t even think of sitting in front of me in the theater and blocking my view.

Zomboobies

 

Dracula’s War

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , on April 8, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dracula's War

So Dracula’s at war again. When isn’t the Prince of Darkness at odds with someone/something? Why, Dracula and I haven’t been on speaking terms every since that April Fool’s Day prank I played on him involving a blow-up sex doll and a bottle of ketchup. (Those things pop easily when bitten. The sex doll, not the ketchup container, though they do occasonally leak.)

Maybe Dracula’s at war with his barber. Looking closely at the above one-sheet, that’s either a three-day old moustache or ants crawling in and out of his nose.

Or Maybe Dracula’s at war with the guy whose making the movie and who put his name – twice – over Dracula’s. (While the real Drac has a low threshold for narcissism, the guy making the film also stars in it. I side with Dracula on this one.)

Or Maybe Dracula’s at war with zombies, the usurping pop culture It monsters that’ve stolen his thunder over the last decade.

To get the vein of what’s up Dracula’s butt, the movie, which starts production in May, is about a “struggle between vampires and hunters who are all descendants of the original characters in the Bram Stoker novel.” They should rename this flick to Family Fued.

The press release goes on to say Dracula’s War will be shot in Williamsburg, Virginia Beach, Richmond and the surrounding areas. While you can buy blow-up sex dolls in any of these fine communities, best to purchase them online (better prices and free shipping on some models).

But go crazy buying ketchup in these towns; Not only is it tasty, Dracula can’t tell the difference between the bottled tangy red dipping sauce and the tangy red dipping sauce that comes out of your neck until its too late. (The look on his pale face is priceless.)

From what I hear on the street, ketchup is made from tomatoes. Maybe Dracula’s at war with vegetables.

The Dawn of Zombie Dawn

Posted in Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , on April 7, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Dawn

Zombie Dawn will make zombie fans jump up and down with excitement!”
– ZOMBIE-POPCORN.COM

Quite possibly the worst endorsement ever given to any movie, zombie or not.

And yet, it’s about the best thing going for Zombie Dawn, a made in South America living dead movie with a plot so overused, the script was probably purchased at a second hand store, not unlike the Salvation Army™ (No dis – they do good work.) But don’t take my educated word for it, read for yourself…

“In 2006 a mysterious incident at a remote mining facility unleashes a zombie horde with an appetite for human flesh. It decimates large portions of the cities and countryside. The only course of action is to rapidly enclose the infected areas and seal them off from the rest of the remaining, living population.”

“Now, 15 years later, the tattered remains of the government and the mining corporation responsible where the initial event took place commit themselves to finding out what may have happened at the mining complex. The solution is to covertly send in a group of mercenaries led by a cynical but no-nonsense Colonel and investigative scientists into the quarantined zone to find answers.”

That’s not even a movie – it’s a video game. And a poor excuse for one at that. It’s just guys with guns blasting zombies into chili ingredients.

Astonishingly, Zombie Dawn has already won awards at the Zixion Sars Film Festival in Chile for directors Cristian Toledo and Lucio A. Rojas, and art direction.

I bet the awards are made of paper mache and when you beat ’em with stick, candy comes out.