Archive for March, 2012

Lovecraft In Your Fridge

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on March 20, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cool Air

Immortality is a sexy b*tch. Which is why Dr. Muñoz, a scientist, not a wizard nor butt physician, has been fine-tuning his bid to live forever. In the upcoming 2012 movie Cool Air, an H.P. Lovecraft story adaptation, the single-minded doc has been using his NY apartment to conduct life-mocking experiments, which if done by the good book, will give him the gift of non-stop breathing. If he’s successful (and experimental doctors/scientists usually are), he’ll need to upgrade his pants as the times dictate.

Set in 1923, the doctor has the temperature in his chill pad (a NY brownstone) set at 56 degrees. I took the next sentence from Wikipedia™ so I wouldn’t have to write it: “Using an ammonia-based refrigeration system, the pumps are driven by a gasoline engine. As time goes on, the doctor’s health declines and his behavior becomes increasingly eccentric. The cooling system is continuously upgraded, to the point where some areas are at sub-freezing temperatures – until one night when the pump breaks down.”

It gets better – the doc becomes increasingly frantic to stay cold, and has a neighbor put him in a bathtub filled with ice. (Why didn’t he call Mr. Freeze? He could’ve… Oh, wait; Mr. Freeze wasn’t around in 1923. Sorry. I thought I had the solution. I did not.) So after the neighbor gets back from the store on an ice run, he arrives to find the doctor melting like a fudgesicle in a men-only bathhouse. The kicker: Dr. Muñoz has been dead for nearly 20 years. WTF?!? Until the air-conditioning went on the blink, the frozen pop doc had beaten biology and lived well past his freshness-expiration date. Cool – literally.

Cool Air, Chill

There were other interpretations of Lovecraft’s chilling (heh) story, including the similarly titled Cool Air released in 1999 (shot in black and white so as to imply authenticness as life in 1923 was in black and white until color was invented a few years later). Then there was the Lovecraft-inspired Chill in 2007, starring Ashley Laurence, who first lit up my life as Kirsty in 1987’s Hellraiser.

Ashley’s so hot, I’m surprised they used her. That’s pretty funny when you think about it.

Ashley Laurence

Dead Ball – It’s A Sport, Not A Medical Condition

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror with tags , , on March 19, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Ball

I don’t get the popularity of baseball, basketball, football and full-contact golf. Everyone with half a brain knows that pro wrestling is the ONLY sport worth watching. I should know – I’m a lifelong fan and I have half a brain.

Of all the sports that charge you $12 for a stinkin’ beer in a stadium to watch it, baseball is the most popular in Japan. So it makes perfect sense that Japan would put a spin on their passion by combining horror with home runs, the result being Dead Ball (releasing 2012), sandlot slaughterfest.

Dead Ball

Playing out almost exactly like Death Race (2008), only with baseball bats instead of gun-enhanced race cars, Dead Ball goes something like this (summary provided by the way cool…

Baseball prodigy Jubeh Yakyu is the most feared and dangerous juvenile delinquent in all of Japan. After accidentally causing the death of his father with a super-powered, deadly fireball pitch, Jubeh swore off baseball and became a criminal and now, at 17, has been sent to the Pterodactyl Juvenile Reformatory for hardened criminals.

Despite having sworn never to play baseball again, Jubeh is presented with an ultimatum by governor Mifune: join the reformatory team, The Gauntlets, in the national tournament for juvenile inmates, or witness the death of his innocent cell mate “Four Eyes” Shinosuki Suzuku (Mari Hoshino). And so the splatterific baseball tournament begins!

Battlefield Baseball

Something like Dead Ball might just sway me into their sport, although I really wish it had a different name. Ahem. But in the back of your mind if this sounds strikingly familiar even without the plot template of Death Race, you’re probably thinking of the manga based  Battlefield Baseball, another Japanese baseball death movie that came out in 2003. That one had martial arts, a baseball or two to the face, tons of gore and, my favorite, BLOOD! Where would professional sports be today without blood? Why, pro wrestling would be nothing more than watching sweaty men in bathing suits hug each other and grunt.

Battlefield Baseball

At the end of the day, if you’re a sports fan and want the games to be more interesting, change balls. (Yeah, I used that line before. Shut up.)

Zombie Mutation

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on March 18, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Mutation

Went to bed and dreamt that I woke up to find out there wasn’t YET ANOTHER zombie movie being announced/released. I was so happy. Then I woke up in my car for real to learn just the opposite. Such is the waking nightmare I have about the never-ending flood of walking dead movies, Zombie Mutation being YET ANOTHER one of ’em.

Zombie Mutation

In Zombie Mutation (releasing fall, 2012), two ex-junkies wade through a city of the dead while government soldiers (not sure what those are) roam the streets and shoot zombies, and anything that looks like zombies, in the head. As a by-product of their lifestyle, junkies, ex or not, look like the living dead. So, like, bye-bye, hippie!

Zombie Mutation

Why is it zombie movies always have the same outline? The names change, but it’s always kids/household pets/strippers/Jesus trying to get from one side of the dead-infested city to the other, all the while dodging friendly fire. Along the way, a character they want you to care about gets bitten by a zombie and is about to turn. Then their BFF has to shoot ’em in the head and cry about it in order to give the movie some humanity.

What a load. I’m sure Zombie Mutation has more going for it than that. But I stand by my load.

I sincerely hope Zombie Mutation finds a large audience not as yet made brain dead by the bottomless pit of living dead movies coming out. I passed that point two years ago. Now look at me – I’m as brain dead as the zombies I despise so much. Life imitates art.

House of Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , on March 17, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Ghosts

An unholy machine opens a portal to the Land of the Dead. That it looks like a transparent bowling ball with electric bees in it makes it no less sacrilegious. What’s on the other side? Evil stuff, I guess. I have yet to see House of Ghosts, the latest Christopher R. Mihm film, that features said bowling ball and, if there’s truth in advertising, a house with ghosts in it.

House of Ghosts debuts May 23, 2012 and is an homage to b-movie horror classics as House on Haunted Hill (1959) and The Tingler (1959). My refrigerator is an homage to classic horror movies. In fact, it could very well be the unholy machine that opens into the Land of the Dead: freshness-expired broccoli, curdled potato salad, once green/now brown head of lettuce. Someone really needs to clean that thing out.

House of Ghosts

In House of Ghosts, some one-percenter socialites throw an invite-only dinner party, with entertainment provided by a spiritual medium who promises to “open a portal to the great beyond” and allow the couple’s equally eccentric guests to contact the “afterworld.” (I totally copied that part off the movie’s website.) There’s a caveat – open the door and deal with whatever pops out. (Sounds like my pants.) The portal is breached and evil leaks out into the house, the guests of which are now trapped inside as there’s a perfectly-timed storm outside. Anyone not ghosted to death will now be referred to as leftovers.

House of Ghosts

Filmmaker Christopher R. Mihm is consistently prolific, cranking out a ’50s sci-fi/horror movie tribute every year since 2006: Attack of the Moon Zombies (2011), Destination: Outer Space (2010), Terror From Beneath The Earth (2009), Cave Women on Mars (2008), It Came From Another World! (2007), The Monster of Phantom Lake (2006).

Mr. Mihm should do a movie about my refrigerator – it’s an homage to food leftover from the ’50s.

Darks Shadows Vs. Addams Family

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on March 16, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows the TV show (1966 to 1971) and the upcoming same-titled movie starring Johnny Depp as the vampire Barnabas Collins, need to be sued right in the neck by the Addams Family (1938 New Yorker cartoon strip, animated series /1973, TV show/1964-1966, movie adaptations /1991-1998, Broadway musical/2010, and even video and pinball licenses). Best run on sentence ever.

Barnabas Collins x 2

Dark Shadows’ Collins family had vampires, ghosts, warlocks and werewolves, as well as an uptight matriarch that could’ve used a ride on the baloney pony and a tequila shooter or two after a formal sit down dinner.

Morticia Addams

The Addams Family had all that and more years before (beginning in 1938), with the added bonus of Morticia Addams, played by Goth hottie, Carolyn Jones. (Her husband Gomez, a hot-blooded Castile, was ready to jump her bones on a moment’s notice whenever she spoke French. Morticia, ever the adoring c*ckblocker, threw buckets of metaphoric cold water on Gomez’ libido to welcome guests into their brilliantly morbid home.)

Dark Shadows, the weekday afternoon teleplay, was dark, gloomy, tedious and full of soap opera b*llshit that milked a slow moving ancestral narrative over the course of six years, and never once had anyone sticking a light bulb in their mouth and making it go on, like Uncle Fester did in the Addams Family. An unacceptable outrage that continues in my mind to this day.

Addams FamilyWith the 2012 movie release of Dark Shadows, it looks like the bold-faced ripping off of the Addams Family continues unabated. The kicker line on the Dark Shadows’ one-sheet is “Strange is Relative.” The kicker line on the Addams Family 1991 one-sheet is “Weird is Relative.”

Someone needs to have a working light bulb crammed up their Goth hole.

The Dead Want Women

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , on March 15, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dead Want Women

The dead want women. Well, hey – who doesn’t? Not sure why the dead desire ladies meant for, I don’t know, horror movie blog writers. It’s not like they can date ’em or anything. (Without jobs, how can someone who died treat a gal to a night out on the town? That kind of action is expensive. Heck, just tipping and parking alone will make your wallet suffer a terminal heart attack.)

The Dead Want Women

But I digress. The Dead Want Women (2012) is a new Full Moon Studios “horror” movie that takes dead guys and puts them with non-dead girls and comes up with…CRAP! TDWW premise – 1920’s decadent ghosts haunting a house for decades until young hot women movie in, is generically typical for Full Moon, the folks behind the goofy and tedious Puppetmaster eight-film series. (To be fair, their last franchise of any worth was the 1991 Subspecies vampire story arc.)

The Dead Want WomenHere’s The Dead Want Women’s exhilarating plot: “Beginning at a stylish mansion in the roaring 1920’s, a silent film actress socialite, flappers, and the men who love them come to their ultimate demise. These ghosts continue to haunt the mansion throughout the decades. Now they’ve come back to haunt and chase after a new generation of beautiful girls.”

Did someone just fart?

The Dead Want Women

If I died in the ’20s and became a ghost, I’d probably pass on contemporary women and head straight for the liquor store. You know, to hang out with other spirits. Ahem.

Date A Mutant Girl

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , on March 13, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mutant Girls Squad

I’m sure there’s a downside to dating a girl with a lobster arm, but I haven’t thought of a reason not to ask one out. On the plus side, you wouldn’t have to worry about guys hitting on her (except crab fishermen, those horny bastards). You could introduce butter into your foreplay. (Butter is SO yummy.) And that fishy smell? Totally natural and not, um, because of lax personal hygiene practices.

Mutant Girls Squad

The lovely young ladies in Mutant Girls Squad, a wildly surreal Japanese horror/sci-fi flick that came out in 2010 and is now showing up on DVD, have all sorts of deviated body parts, from tentacles to claws. I’m not seeing anything negative to any of this.

The Mutant Girls Squad is a sort of X-Men club, but with hot Asian gals instead of old bald men and guys with super-sized sideburns. These mutated supermodels bond and band together to exact revenge on the society that ridicules and shuns them.

Hiruko The Goblin

Referred to as Hirukos (see 1991’s Hiruko the Goblin for an academic point of reference), these girls have superpowers and are mentored by Kisaragi, a people-hating transvestite samurai. And it just keeps getting better from there: Cuisinart-quality dismemberment, flying body parts, pressure hosed gallons of blood, and girls with date-ending tempers.

Mutant Girls Squad

Picked up by Well Go USA for distribution, Mutant Girls Squad arrives May 22, 2012 ($24.98 for the DVD, $29.98 for the Blue-ray, and $39.98 for the Blu-ray/DVD combo), and is supersized with all sorts of extras, including trailers, interviews, making of featurette, and behind-the-scenes segments. You have to supply your own butter, though.

Short of going to Japan to find the mutant girl of your dreams, where would find a single chick with bizarre genetic mutations? Start with the bowling alley and go from there.

Ghosts On A Plane

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on March 12, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Flight 407

I’m confused. Not about boobies and waffles, but why Dark Flight 3D, Thailand’s first tri-dimensional horror movie, changed its name to Dark Flight 407 (releasing March 22, 2012). There’s already Tape 407 (2012), a horror movie that also features a commercial airplane and a similar title. It’s disturbing enough to make you put down your waffles. (I’ll hang on to the other thing, thank you.)

As incisively reported by ME on October 11, 2011 [click HERE to read it], Dark Flight 3D/Dark Flight 407 concerns a freaked out air hostess on a commercial flight loaded with demon ghost-faced ghosts. I don’t mind if demon ghost-faced ghosts are on the same plane as me, just as long as they pay the same ticket price as everyone else. No preferential treatment for the afterlife, I say.

Dark Flight 407

The first one-sheet for Dark Flight 3D was limp as day-old waffles. These new ones show a little more promise. And the trailer (go find it yourself – do I have to do everything for you?) is loaded with some good time-y ghost stuff, like a little kid dribbling a severed head like a bleeding basketball and another passenger who can turn his head completely around using only his neck. Who knew air travel could be so entertaining?

Dark Flight 407

The movie is not sub-titled, so unless you speak Thailand’s native language (whatever that is), you’ll just have to be content with the visuals. It’s kinda like thinking you’re getting a First Class seat but having to sit in Coach. Coach seating sucks overhead baggage. There are too many stinky people back there. And ghosts.

Nailbiter: Horror Downstairs

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on March 11, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

NailbiterTornadoes suck and blow. They suck you up and they blow stuff around. Oh yeah, tornadoes wreck stuff, too. Like your hair, for instance. Or, if you don’t have any hair, tornadoes can wreck your life.

The tornado in Nailbiter, making the rounds on the independent film circuit as of this e-writing, wrecks your life, but not in the traditional way. A mom and her three teen daughters seek shelter in a cellar that belongs to someone else when a super swirly tornado bears down on them. (Four women – they need to protect their hair.)

Escaping the tornado is the least of their problems. In the cellar is…FRUIT PRESERVES! And a mutant creature WHO LIVES ON FRUIT PRESERVES! Sorry, I was just rooting around in my neighbor’s cellar. He didn’t have a mutant creature in there, but man, that place was loaded with some tasty ass jams.

NailbiterMuch like Burning Bright (2010), where a hot chick and her little mentally handicapped brother are trapped in a house during a hurricane with a deliberately starved Bengal tiger, Nailbiter keeps the action indoors. Think The Descent (2005), but with homemade jams and jellies. Sorry, I’m a freak for most anything that can be easily spread. OK, that didn’t sound right.

Here’s a list (provided by where Nailbiter is screening.

• HorrorHound Weekend, Columbus, Ohio: March 23-25

• Mad Monster Party, Charlotte, North Carolina: March 23-25

• AMC Kansas City Film Fest, Kansas City, Missouri: April 11-14th

• Chicago Fear Fest, Chicago, Illinois: April 13-14

• Palm Beach International Film Festival, Palm Beach, Florida: April 11-19

• All Things Horror Online Presents, Somerville, MA: May 11

Nailbiter is not playing in Seattle where I currently rock out. Like a tornado, that blows.

I bet it was all those yummy preserves that drew the creature into the house in the first place. To think otherwise is just plain DUMB.

Paranormal Parody

Posted in Ghosts with tags on March 10, 2012 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal ParodyA sure sign you’ve made it into the lexicon of pop culture is when somebody spoofs you. The global talent known as Weird Al Yankovich has made a nerd-attracting career out of such hummable mockumentaries. And let us not forget all those um, affectionate “tributes” to movies by the porn industry. (I’m looking in your direction, Beverly Hills Copulator.)

Paranormal Parody

Horror movie spoofs are not uncommon, the “punch line has gone on way too long” Scary Movie franchise being one of many. One homage that doesn’t suck is Paranormal Parody, a wink to the Paranormal Activity box office phenomenon. And that it stars the lovely Kristen Kakos is double bonus.

Paranormal Parody

Paranormal Parody (downloadable on iTunes™ for a paltry $9.99) cuts straight to the chase: “A young, middle class couple living in a house they couldn’t possibly afford start to experience some strange events, that just might be demonic. But rather than getting the hell out of there, they decide to videotape the whole thing. Sound familiar? Well, at least this time the demon has a sense of humor.”

The trailer alone is pretty darn clever. (What else could possibly be making those bed sheets shoot up? Ahem.) Best to just buy Paranormal Parody and watch how a lampoon should be done. And Kristen.