UFO Destroys Seattle. Not Cool.

Seattle Superstorm

The makers of Seattle Superstorm, a sci-fi natural disaster movie (OK, that didn’t sound right), didn’t do enough homework before INSULTING the people of Seattle, Washington, i.e., ME. Airing Saturday, March 31, 2012 on the SyFy™ Channel, Seattle Superstorm’s premise is a UFO crashes into the Puget Sound and “somehow” triggers a catastrophic weather system, causing lightning that splits the Space Needle in two and fireballs raining down on our somewhat clean sidewalks like spit wads shot out of God’s very own milkshake straw.

Then there’s the DVD cover, which depicts the Space Needle, looking the aftermath of a rap music house party, laying in shallow water, as the city of Seattle, with damaged buildings explode in the background. This is to say nothing of helicopters dodging lightning and tornadoes ravaging downtown where I window shop for shirts with catchy slogans, Coach™ purses and delicious hot dogs.

Seattle Superstorm

Here are my irreconcilable problems with Seattle Superstorm

UFO crashes into Puget Sound
Not crashes, but actually happened in 1947. (The Maury Island Incident took place on June 21, 1947 when seaman Harold A. Dahl claimed to have seen six UFOs near Maury Island in the Puget Sound…three days before Kenneth Arnold, Washington pilot/extraterrestrial conspiracist, saw a bunch of ’em zooming around Mount Rainier.) This gives Washington, and by extension ME, credit for having UFOs pay Earth a visit 38 days before the ones that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. In your face, Roswell. And these UFOs did NOT make the weather go all crazy face. Liars.

Lightning and tornadoes
While Seattle has enjoyed the occasional lightning storm, we’ve never had downtown tornadoes. And what tornadoes we do have take place further inland, smashing up the yards and storage units of non-downtown people who probably deserve it.

Destroyed Space Needle
It would take a lot more than a wussy tornado or weenie lightning to bring down our vertigo-inducing tourist attraction. It’s made of phat steel, people. Only Zeus’ lightning bolts could even put a dent in it. And to have it laying in observation deck deep water in Puget Sound is total fiction. For one thing, the water is freakin’ deep along the city’s waterfront; and the Space Needle wasn’t designed to float. FAIL number two: Even if it fell over, the Space Needle wouldn’t come close to hitting the beach. It’s only 605 feet tall – and over a mile from the closest clam.

Helicopters
Big mistake here. Seattle is home to Boeing, the aerospace industry giant that makes airplanes. As long as I’ve lived in Seattle (believed to be since birth), there has never been a helicopter sighting in the city’s history. Heck, we’ve seen more flying saucers than the mythical whirly bird. The only exception to this is I may be wrong.

Seattle Superstorm

As in all disaster movies, there’s one science butt-head who has all the answers and can save the day. Not sure how you turn off tornadoes or make lightning and fireballs knock it the heck off. But someone has to step up, even if it’s FICTION. Better they should work on Seattle’s real problems – non-winning Lotto™ tickets, TV news anchors with unnaturally white teeth, and hot dog department stores that charge banking fees for their healthy goodness.

Seattle Superstorm

I bet Seattle Superstorm wasn’t even filmed in Seattle. It looks like it was shot in Tacoma, about 40 minutes south of Seattle. All kinds of f’d up weather/UFO things happen there on a daily basis. Say what you will about Tacoma, though – Coach™ purses are way cheaper at their outlet stores.

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