Kissing Vampires

I Kissed A Vampire

Before Twilight (2008), the only product vampires used in their hair was hemoglobin sculpting gel. Now we have teen angst vamps who use moisturizers, exfoliating cremes, and scented bath soaps. The world has officially gone to Hell in a Pottery Barn™ decorative hand basket. (Note: you can buy all this crap at the brilliantly named ToiletpaperWorld.com, an online store that has everything for any body part that emits visible stink lines and needs a good douching.)

The high school bloodsuckers in the rock musical I Kissed A Vampire look like GQ Teen models, slathered in hair salon product and made socially trendy with Abercrombie & Fitch™ casual wear. (Strike one.) And they sing. (Strike two.) And they dance (And you’re outta here.)

I Kissed A Vampire

Unless they’re written and performed by The Who, rock musicals suck bag. In I Kissed A Vampire, Dylan, a teen dude finds himself wistfully fantasizing about Trey Sylvania (get it?), a Goth rock star. Here’s what I copied almost word for word off the movie’s website…

“It all started when Dylan was bitten by a voracious fanged exchange student, and it’s a process he is desperate to stop – but how? His demented dentist can’t do anything about Dylan’s aching teeth and emerging fangs, and the anti-bloodsucking pills he gets from his para-psychologist just give him a rash. Dylan is terrified and he doesn’t know what to do – especially about his beautiful girlfriend Sara.”

I Kissed A Vampire

So apparently Dylan’s coffin lid swings both ways. While he’s socially experimenting, you get to see the cast smooch, bite, pout, sing, and dance, all of which will make you shout at your shoes. And if projectile vomiting is your thing (I experimented with it in college, even though I never enrolled), I Kissed A Vampire hits the mall movie theaters on March 30, 2012.

I plan on being sick to my stomach that day.

One Response to “Kissing Vampires”

  1. It’s great fun to mock starry-eyed teenage vampires. Where’s Dracula when you need him?

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