Animals Like To Eat You

Rise of the AnimalsOf all the animals in the woods that could eat your neck clean off, you wouldn’t expect the Disney-esque dear to chew throw layers of insulated outerwear to get to the delicious throat meat inside. And yet, that’s what happens in the new indie horror comedy, Rise of the Animals.

A pizza delivery driver named Wolf crashes an all girl slumber party in a cabin way out in the woods. There are three things wrong with that sentence. But because this is an independent film, anything goes and Wolf scores some quality mattress time with one of the festive ladies. Before he can chew his arm off to leave before she wakes up, she’s already bailed. (All male readers may make an audible sigh of relief.) But the gal gets her own arm chewed off – as well as her face – by a mad dog deer.

Rise of the AnimalsThen then deer and its friends crash the party and turn everyone into people vennison. Finding her cell phone and thinking his insta-girlfriend is still alive, Wolf has no choice but to travel cross country to find her. And to return her phone. (I know what you’re thinking – pizza delivery guys aren’t known for their high IQs.) What he finds is a world gone wild with dogs, birds and chipmunks going medieval on human asses.

What do you have to say now, PETA?

Day of the AnimalsThis isn’t the first time animals have been face-rippingly pissed at humans. In Day of the Animals, a 1977 nature-gone-wild feel good flick, campers and hikers and those who just go into the Northern California woods to have a personal moment, are systematically attacked and torn into kibble and bits by mountain lions, bears and household pets. Can’t blame the indigenous wild life to be so mad; wouldn’t you be visibly peeved if someone came into your hood and made butt bears? (You know what that means – I’m trying to keep it clean here, people.)

Day of the Animals

So what made the animals petition for their own day? It was the waning ozone that converted sunlight into ultraviolet/ultra violent solar radiation, which turned normally friendly and playful grizzly bears into mouth-foaming eaters of flesh. Stupid sun.

Despite its budgetary limitations, Rise of the Animals looks like a lot of splattery animal-y good fun. I just hope they don’t portray fuzzy bunny rabbits as murderous blood beasts. That would just kill me. And then the bunnies would kill me. Not cool.

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