Piranha 3DD on DDVD

Piranha 3D was the surprise horror comedy hit of  2010, second only to my proctology exam of the same year. (I expect my 2012 test results to break box office records.) And because Hollywood feeds on money like piranha feed on bikini’d flesh, a sequel was put into motion. Piranha 3DD didn’t come out in 2011, but it’s surfacing in the U.K. – on DVD of all things – come March, 2012.

WTF? Why no theatrical release? How come England gets it before we do? What is that purple thing on my butt? Hard questions for a hard world.

It could be that Piranha 3DD sucks purple things. If that’s the case, I’m bummed as I personally felt Piranha 3D was a stunning showcase of carnivorous fish and ABC female skin (Already Been Chewed), and that a sequel had the potential to achieve more so.

The plot has been sprayed all over the Internet: “Having woken from their spring break extravaganza at Lake Victoria, the swarm heads upstream where they look to make a meal out of Big Wet, a local water park.”

Yawn. You have thousands of meat-eating fish and all you can think to do is put them in a water park? B-O-R-I-N-G. That, and it’s been done before. There was this little film called Jaws 3-D (1983), that put not one giant great white shark, but a submarine-sized chomper as well inside the paid admission gates of Seaworld. Now that’s entertainment.

Piranha 3DD stars Ving Rhames, the sheriff who was eaten alive in the first movie. (Disclaimer: it looked like he was fish munched – maybe he survived. Or maybe his stumps make a cameo in the new one. Either or, pretty dumb.)

I’ll go see Piranha 3DD, whether it comes to a movie theatre or turns up on DVD, because I’m pre-disposed to bone-headed horror movies – and purple rump bumps. That would make a good scary movie, too. For me, anyway.