Archive for December, 2011

A Zombie By Any Other Name

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on December 23, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zomblies“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Leave it word barf boy William Shakespeare to have the first and final word on zombies. Call ’em the “undead,” “walkers,” “chewers,” or just plain “rot-faced spleen eaters,” at the end of the plague-ridden day it all means the same thing: dead people coming back to life and consuming the flesh of the living. An overdone, but resonant concept.

Which is why we’ve seen hundreds of zombie movies released over the last few years. (My exhaustive clicking, uh, book-heavy research, reveals there are now over one hundred jillion movies about zombies currently available for viewing/chewing purposes, with thousands more on the way.)

ZombliesTo stand out in a viral crowd, you gotta have a catchy living dead movie title, like The Aliens and Kong Kong Zombie (1989), Angry and Moist: An Undead Chronicle (2004), FVZA: Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency (2009), or my fav, Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Terror (1991). Note: It was done in “shocking 2-D.”

And Zomblies, a new living dead movie, might just have what it takes, at least in the naming department. Yeah, it’s kinda goofy, but it sticks, like something brown and squishy on your shoe and/or Old Navy™ pants.

The plot goes a little like this: “When a private militia’s rookie zombie hunters send out a distress call, it’s up to the Rangers to cross The Wall and bring them back, as well as uncover the truth about a terrifying new breed of zombie.”

ZombliesI totally bet a recently-cleaned pair of Old Navy™ pants that the new breed of zombie is a “zomblie.” You can watch a 47-minute glistening chunk of Zomblies online by clicking HERE.

A rose by any other name. Shakespeare may have used it in his teleplay for Romeo & Juliet, but he was really talking about Zomblies.

The World’s Nicest Zombie

Posted in Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , on December 22, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harold's Going StiffHarold’s Going Stiff. Quite possibly the best movie title of the year. And that it refers to a zombie movie even more so. (It could easily be double as a raunchy comedy title or high school locker room/Sunday family dinner banter.)

Harold’s Going Stiff is an unconventional zombie film. For one thing it’s British. (The Brits are nice but eccentrically weird. Serving fish ’n chips wrapped in newspaper? Is this the Middle Ages?) In the movie, Harold Gimbold, an old pensioner, is suffering from neurological disease that’s slowly turning him into a zombie, which happens in three stages. (Guess what the third one is. No, really – guess.)

Harold's Going StiffAlong comes a young, calorie-challenged nurse who is as lonely as Harold. She uses her massage techniques to alleviate the painful stiffness that comes from being one of the undead. In the movie’s press release, “Her massage techniques work a treat on Harold and they become close friends.” You don’t need to be a fish ’n chips salesman to figure that one out.

You’ve seen soccer games in England. (Over there they call it “football.” Weird.) The fans, shall we say, are on the, um, exuberant side. These are the same types of guys who form a “zombie hunting league” and roam the countryside looking to do to the walking dead what Manchester United does to Inverness Caledonian Thistle FC. Soon Harold and Penny (the nurse) are on the run. Well, more like a fast shuffle as Harold keeps getting stiffer and Penny needs to lay off the tartar sauce. (Malt vinegar is preferred on Brit fish ’n chips anyway.)

Harold's Going StiffHarold’s Going Stiff. Sounds like box office pay dirt for fans of pension zombies, rubenesque health care industry professionals, soccer fans (I’m looking in your direction Tartan Army), and love stories just left of center.

Fish ’n chips wrapped in newspaper. Disgusting.

Holy Vampire

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , on December 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

ReverendUsually when one goes to church, you come out with a renewed sense of faith, compassion for your fellow douche bag, and, on a few occasions, a sore butt. (Not just from alternative lifestyle priests, but from getting paddled for being sinful in the eyes of the Lord.) The one thing you shouldn’t expect from a Holy Man, though, is vampire teeth indentations on your neck. Or your butt. (see “Alternative Lifestyle Vampire Priests.”)

In the upcoming horror movie The Reverend (releasing in the UK on February 3, 2012), that’s kinda what happens when a newly-christened Reverend shows up in a “small, low-maintenance chapel based in the idyllic setting of a quiet country village.” (Doesn’t sound like a good business model – the collection plate is gonna come up a little bare in a small town.)

ReverendOne wet-filled night, a young chick visits The Reverend at the chapel and bites him. Holy crap to that. The next day the Reverend wakes up with an “unknown and uncontrollable thirst.” Yep, he’s now a vampire. (At least I think so – I haven’t seen the movie yet. Pretty embarrassing for me if he turns out to be a werewolf or some sort of human/El Chupacabra hybrid.)

ThirstA Man of the Cloth being turned into a vampire is not a new concept. Of the three I vaguely recall, it’s the 2009 Korean movie Thirst that sticks out in my neck. A priest volunteers for a medical experiment to help people. That’s the good news. The procedure goes oops and turns him into a bloodsucking sucker of all things blood. That’s the other good news.

If you haven’t seen it, Thirst is one of the more surreal, funny, gory and twisted vampire movies you’ll ever see with your eyeballs, especially the last 10 minutes. (Thirst is notable for being the first mainstream Korean film to feature full-frontal male nudity. South Korea, however, beat ’em to the hot dog display case by doing it in the 2006 film, No Regret. There’s a joke in there somewhere.)

A Reverend vampire, however, does throw up some red flags. Vampires are adverse to crosses, crucifixes, Holy water and all but the last chapter of the Bible, so I’m wondering how this supposed to make any sense at all. Regardless, best to not go to church anymore in case the guy leading the penance parade is a creature of the night. And keep a wooden stake next to the door – you never know when a bloodsucking Jehovah Witness is gonna drop by.

Vacationing Zombies

Posted in Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , on December 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie DriftwoodFinally, a new spin on the Bermuda Triangle, that spooky place in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where ships and airplanes disappear without a trace and where giant sea monsters prosper and flourish. In the British undead comedy Zombie Driftwood (released in the UK last year, but not here yet), a cruise ship paddles into the Bermuda Triangle, vanishes, then re-appears off the coast of Grand Cayman where loud and drunk vacationing American tourists annually make asses of themselves.

Zombie DriftwoodHere’s the twist – after emerging from the cursed waters, all the passengers are now face-eating zombies. Forget Vegas – time to book a one-way trip to the BT.

And it just gets better. Battling the zombies are two heavy metal fans who take on the boatload of brain-chewers, fortified with the restorative power of booze. And there’s a machete thrown in because a machete makes sense in the hands of a metal fan, though a mace or some kind of ornate sword would be acceptable as well.

Zombie DriftwoodRock Express, a hard rock and metal merch shopping site, calls Zombie Driftwood, “the funniest zombie movie since Shaun of the Dead.” Hey Rock Express – have you heard of Zombieland (2009), that little undead comedy that was made for $23.9 million and grossed over $102 million? (By contrast, Shaun of the Dead/2004 was made for $5 million and made $30 million.)

Zombie DriftwoodI listen to heavy metal and drink sweet refreshing booze. All I need is a ticket to the Cayman Islands, a valid passport that doesn’t have Ozzy Osbourne’s picture taped over mine, and a machete/mace/ornate sword, and my vacation is ready to go. FYI: screw sunblock – that sounds more like a rule than a sensible preventative step. I don’t do rules, man.

Even More Nazi Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on December 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nazis at the Center of the EarthI thought Nazis lived in Germany and certain parts of Idaho. Turns out they live in the center of the earth. Boy is my face red. No wonder I never got very far in life. If I don’t know the simplest of history lessons, then I’m no good to anybody.

As proof that Nazis live in the center of the earth, they’ve made a movie about it. And movies don’t make stuff up. Nazis at the Center of the Earth, a visual history lesson, arrives in your video stores on April 24, 2012.

Nazis at the Center of the EarthA center of the earth Nazi is still a Nazi. Which means they’re mean. Just ask the Antarctic researchers who, while down there studying snow, were abducted by Nazi zombies. They’re a lot like surface zombies, what with their mean faces and bodies a quilt of regenerated flesh that looks it partied too much over the last few decades. And because they had all that time to think, they came up with a plan to revive the Third Reich. That time would’ve been better spent thinking about how to be better people.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth joins the growing library of Nazi zombie movies. But really, you should just find out about them in your school books. Reading is fun, but learning is at least double that.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Run To And From Demons

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , on December 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

RunI used to know how to speak Chinese. Had to give it up when I couldn’t get around that whole spitting on people thing while trying to order a sweet and refreshing gallon of Tsingtao. Stupid foreign pronouns.

Too bad, because Chinese is a sexy language. Ahem. Now I’ll have to rely on my sub-title reading skills to see Run, a new Chinese ghost movie. Don’t know much more about it other than the entire story takes place in a movie theatre. So hey – one-stop shopping!

As first reported by Shocktilyoudrop, the one-sheet for Run borrows from 1981’s The Burning, what with the cropping shears and such. And the plot, which I just said takes place in a movie theatre, is reminiscent of 1985’s Demon, which also happens in a movie theatre. I’m pretty sure the Chinese have never copied anything before, so this could be the first time.

DemonsIn Demons, several patrons attending a sneak screening of a new horror movie are turned into the most evilest of demons, just like the ones on the screen, which, as it turns out, are real demons and not just actors. Once inside the West Berlin theater, the doors and any other escape orifices are sealed tight.

DemonsOne cool demon with double fangs slowly arises out of the quivering pus pile that was a heretofore human. Each attack infects other patrons, which makes more evil demons. These things aren’t just cookie-cutter hellish entities, either. They rip you apart like you were red licorice, spilling extra-large popcorn bucket-sized amounts of guts and goo and green demon fluid. Those not yet demonic zombies run around screaming as though that will magically open a door. As if.

DemonsAs the demons close in on their uninfected quarry, a veritable meat shop of sale-priced entrails are tossed around like parade confetti. I know what you’re thinking; where the hell was the usher during all this commotion, which most certainly interrupted the film? I like going to movie theatres, but not ones with lax policies in regards to talking, screaming, bleeding and possessing.

If you like your horror to feature extreme gore – AND WHO DOESN’T? – this classic gut rodeo is a must.

Operation: Nazi Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on December 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Operation Nazi Zombie“War is hell.”

Famous words spoken by Union Army General William Sherman in the 1800s after he implemented his vaunted military strategey to go balls to the wall against the Confederate States. General Sherman also came up with “scorched earth” policies, a devastating but effective means of completely wiping the enemy off the ass end of the debris field.

A team of Army Special Forces that go up against the undead in Operation: Nazi Zombies (due out in 2012) find out that war is not only hell, but that they could’ve used some ’o that sweet scorched earth action to keep from being consumed alive.

So how did the zombies get to be zombies? That sneaky Army Chemical Corp, along with the CIA (they do good work), recreated a WWII Nazi experiment in a secret (of course) biological weapons facility, or “House of Fun,” that turns regular people into irregular people. That there are now real zombies is not the problem – it’s the soliders who go there to tell them to quit being undead that becomes a point of contention. As the men in uniform fall prey to the buffet, the chain of command falls apart as easily as I do after three beers and it’s every entree for himself.

Dead SnowOperation Nazi Zombies promises a world of flesh eating zombies, Government assasins and the ultimate evil in this action packed, blood soaked, zombie-rompin’ tale of the unholy terrors.” They better not be lying. So if you have a taste for all things Nazi zombie, check out a blog I wrote on the subject a while ago by clicking HERE.

If you’re one of our fighting forces and reading this, Semper Fi. If you’re a zombie and reading this, quit eating people. Skin isn’t healthy and it gives you bad breath. Just sayin’.