Archive for December, 2011

Vacationing Zombies

Posted in Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , on December 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie DriftwoodFinally, a new spin on the Bermuda Triangle, that spooky place in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where ships and airplanes disappear without a trace and where giant sea monsters prosper and flourish. In the British undead comedy Zombie Driftwood (released in the UK last year, but not here yet), a cruise ship paddles into the Bermuda Triangle, vanishes, then re-appears off the coast of Grand Cayman where loud and drunk vacationing American tourists annually make asses of themselves.

Zombie DriftwoodHere’s the twist – after emerging from the cursed waters, all the passengers are now face-eating zombies. Forget Vegas – time to book a one-way trip to the BT.

And it just gets better. Battling the zombies are two heavy metal fans who take on the boatload of brain-chewers, fortified with the restorative power of booze. And there’s a machete thrown in because a machete makes sense in the hands of a metal fan, though a mace or some kind of ornate sword would be acceptable as well.

Zombie DriftwoodRock Express, a hard rock and metal merch shopping site, calls Zombie Driftwood, “the funniest zombie movie since Shaun of the Dead.” Hey Rock Express – have you heard of Zombieland (2009), that little undead comedy that was made for $23.9 million and grossed over $102 million? (By contrast, Shaun of the Dead/2004 was made for $5 million and made $30 million.)

Zombie DriftwoodI listen to heavy metal and drink sweet refreshing booze. All I need is a ticket to the Cayman Islands, a valid passport that doesn’t have Ozzy Osbourne’s picture taped over mine, and a machete/mace/ornate sword, and my vacation is ready to go. FYI: screw sunblock – that sounds more like a rule than a sensible preventative step. I don’t do rules, man.

Even More Nazi Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on December 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nazis at the Center of the EarthI thought Nazis lived in Germany and certain parts of Idaho. Turns out they live in the center of the earth. Boy is my face red. No wonder I never got very far in life. If I don’t know the simplest of history lessons, then I’m no good to anybody.

As proof that Nazis live in the center of the earth, they’ve made a movie about it. And movies don’t make stuff up. Nazis at the Center of the Earth, a visual history lesson, arrives in your video stores on April 24, 2012.

Nazis at the Center of the EarthA center of the earth Nazi is still a Nazi. Which means they’re mean. Just ask the Antarctic researchers who, while down there studying snow, were abducted by Nazi zombies. They’re a lot like surface zombies, what with their mean faces and bodies a quilt of regenerated flesh that looks it partied too much over the last few decades. And because they had all that time to think, they came up with a plan to revive the Third Reich. That time would’ve been better spent thinking about how to be better people.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth joins the growing library of Nazi zombie movies. But really, you should just find out about them in your school books. Reading is fun, but learning is at least double that.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Run To And From Demons

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , on December 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

RunI used to know how to speak Chinese. Had to give it up when I couldn’t get around that whole spitting on people thing while trying to order a sweet and refreshing gallon of Tsingtao. Stupid foreign pronouns.

Too bad, because Chinese is a sexy language. Ahem. Now I’ll have to rely on my sub-title reading skills to see Run, a new Chinese ghost movie. Don’t know much more about it other than the entire story takes place in a movie theatre. So hey – one-stop shopping!

As first reported by Shocktilyoudrop, the one-sheet for Run borrows from 1981’s The Burning, what with the cropping shears and such. And the plot, which I just said takes place in a movie theatre, is reminiscent of 1985’s Demon, which also happens in a movie theatre. I’m pretty sure the Chinese have never copied anything before, so this could be the first time.

DemonsIn Demons, several patrons attending a sneak screening of a new horror movie are turned into the most evilest of demons, just like the ones on the screen, which, as it turns out, are real demons and not just actors. Once inside the West Berlin theater, the doors and any other escape orifices are sealed tight.

DemonsOne cool demon with double fangs slowly arises out of the quivering pus pile that was a heretofore human. Each attack infects other patrons, which makes more evil demons. These things aren’t just cookie-cutter hellish entities, either. They rip you apart like you were red licorice, spilling extra-large popcorn bucket-sized amounts of guts and goo and green demon fluid. Those not yet demonic zombies run around screaming as though that will magically open a door. As if.

DemonsAs the demons close in on their uninfected quarry, a veritable meat shop of sale-priced entrails are tossed around like parade confetti. I know what you’re thinking; where the hell was the usher during all this commotion, which most certainly interrupted the film? I like going to movie theatres, but not ones with lax policies in regards to talking, screaming, bleeding and possessing.

If you like your horror to feature extreme gore – AND WHO DOESN’T? – this classic gut rodeo is a must.

Operation: Nazi Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , on December 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Operation Nazi Zombie“War is hell.”

Famous words spoken by Union Army General William Sherman in the 1800s after he implemented his vaunted military strategey to go balls to the wall against the Confederate States. General Sherman also came up with “scorched earth” policies, a devastating but effective means of completely wiping the enemy off the ass end of the debris field.

A team of Army Special Forces that go up against the undead in Operation: Nazi Zombies (due out in 2012) find out that war is not only hell, but that they could’ve used some ’o that sweet scorched earth action to keep from being consumed alive.

So how did the zombies get to be zombies? That sneaky Army Chemical Corp, along with the CIA (they do good work), recreated a WWII Nazi experiment in a secret (of course) biological weapons facility, or “House of Fun,” that turns regular people into irregular people. That there are now real zombies is not the problem – it’s the soliders who go there to tell them to quit being undead that becomes a point of contention. As the men in uniform fall prey to the buffet, the chain of command falls apart as easily as I do after three beers and it’s every entree for himself.

Dead SnowOperation Nazi Zombies promises a world of flesh eating zombies, Government assasins and the ultimate evil in this action packed, blood soaked, zombie-rompin’ tale of the unholy terrors.” They better not be lying. So if you have a taste for all things Nazi zombie, check out a blog I wrote on the subject a while ago by clicking HERE.

If you’re one of our fighting forces and reading this, Semper Fi. If you’re a zombie and reading this, quit eating people. Skin isn’t healthy and it gives you bad breath. Just sayin’.

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter

Posted in Classic Horror, Vampires with tags , on December 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter“Four score and seven undead corpses ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all vampires are seriously messed up in the head and are therefore not created equal…”

The opening salvo of the 1863 Gettysburg Address, one of the greatest speeches in U.S. history. These immortal words were spoken by Abraham Lincoln, the man whose face adorns the American penny. And you don’t get your face on cold hard cash by being a smooth-talkin’ p*ssy.

Of course, the version you were taught in school is a bit different, with all references of vampires and assorted creatures of the night mysteriously wiped clean of the historical benchmark. (You can thank Republicans for that.) But the original proclamation was loaded with all things suckers of blood. If you did your homework in school, you’d already know this.

Politics SuckAbraham Lincoln,Vampire Hunter (due June, 2012) is less a horror movie and more a biography of our 16th president of the United States, following his exploits as the voter-elected Van Helsing of his day. It’s also the big screen adaptation of the best-selling 2010 book by the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith. (I don’t trust guys with hyphenated last names. Seems like they have something to hide.) In the book, President Lincoln’s mom is “killed by a supernatural creature, which fuels his passion to crush vampires and their slave-owning helpers.” And to think Abe takes care of business with only the business end of an axe – no floor vote needed.

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire HunterJust think of how much more we as a democratic society could move forward if the leader of the free world wielded an axe instead of putting up with those opposing progress-halting Congressional gas bags with politically-slanted words and provincial rhetoric. We could all walk the Earth as a vampire-free nation.

I don’t know about you, but Abraham Lincoln has my vote in the next election.

Zombie Holocaust

Posted in Zombies with tags on December 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Survived A Zombie HolocaustIn theory, surviving a zombie holocaust is simple: don’t get bitten and/or have your butt chewed out by the living dead. (OK, that sounded…off) And yet in countless zombie movies, 99.9% of people uninfected at the start of the undead apocalypse, end up as zombies themselves or, in a worst case scenario, living dead doo doo.

You’d think it’d be easy to stay out of the way of the dead. Apparently for most people it’s not, though I count myself as one who wouldn’t ring the zombie dinner bell by trying to get to a place of refuge, which is always miles away.

I Survived A Zombie Holocaust, a 2011/2012 zom-com from New Zealand (which is like Old Zealand, but with upgrades) adds their recyclables to the undead landfill. The story involves a nerdy runner on the set of a zombie film who becomes the reluctant hero of the day after the walking dead crash the proceedings. The spin: which one are the real zombies and which are the film extras? I see hilarity ensuing.

Zombie HolocaustThere was a Zombie Holocaust before this one. In 1980, an expedition are out looking for Facebook™ likers of Kito, a cannibal god, on the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it island of Moluccas. (I looked it up on Travelocity.com™ – they only sell one-way tickets to the zombie-infested paradise retreat. Makes sense.) Faces get eaten, lamps get broken, words were said. A supermodel along for the ride gets promoted to Queen of the Cannibals. Anything for new jewelry.

While we wait for I Survived A Zombie Holocaust to get here, just remember the first rule of outlasting an undead onslaught: zombies won’t eat you if you just stay out of their mouths.

You’re welcome.

Toilet of the Dead

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , on December 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the DeadI’m ALWAYS up for some good toilet humor. A snappy riff on body functions gone wild, embarrassing personal moments, accidental bodily noises during holiday family dinners… They should make movies about this stuff. And with the release of Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011), a new Japanese walking dead movie, it looks like they have your ass covered.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the DeadFirst up, GREAT title. Secondly, the plop, uh plot, swirls around genius: a group of young people are attacked by a gang of poo-covered zombies who rose from the remains of an outhouse. Then there’s a heavy-chested supermodel who chows down on a parasitic worm she found in a fish. Then there’s a doctor who has been conducting experiments on both the parasites and zombies (aha – a connection!). Then there’s the liberating power of farts. I have to stop here as it’s just too thrilling to comprehend.

And if all that wasn’t enough to make you head to the mall to buy the Blu-ray™ version, Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead was done by Noboru Iguchi, the visionary madman director of The Machine Girl (2008) and RoboGeisha (2009), both of which have reality-bending special effects that redefines your very life, if not DNA.

The Machine Girl, RoboGeishaThe movie’s press release says it all:Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead is a heaping helping of bad taste that may go down rough, but is guaranteed to come out smooth and regular.”

There will be no sleep until I own this movie.

Dawn of the Toilet

The Presence – A Ghost Busted

Posted in Aliens, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , on December 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The PresenceA word of warning about The Presence, the 2011 ghost movie just released on DVD that some people liked and some people didn’t. (Put me in the “not like” column.) It’s a romantic ghost story. (Just typing that makes my head hurt.) When will movie producers ever learn – ghosts and romance are never a good idea (see Ghost/1990, which had way too much emoting and not enough brain-eating from beyond.)

In The Presence, a somewhat attractive chick goes to a remote cabin to chill. Instead, she got chills, as made possible by a dude ghost who thought he had the cabin booked first. Stupid Expedia.com, always wrecking people’s unlifes.

The PresenceGhost dude is fine sharing the cabin with this hottie…until her boyfriend shows up. Three’s company or three’s a crowd. In this one, there’s definitely one spooked orifice too many. As ghost dude grows more obsessive, the chick starts going bonkers herself, and the sidewalk between sanity and insanity is closed for repairs.

Critics say The Presence is “grounded in terrific performances, beautiful cinematography, a lush musical score, and a Hitchcockian style that explores the idea of pure cinematic storytelling.” Just like a critic to run verbose circles around the point. I’ll make it easier for you: no it’s not. Unless you like long stretches of whispered voices, dark hallways and facial expressions that recall when you really had to process a truck stop burrito and realized you weren’t gonna make it to the bathroom in time.

Want a better presence? Released in 1992 as a made-for-TV pilot that never got off the runway, The Presence is more gory than ghost. After their plane quit flying, a bunch of people – including bikini model Kathy Ireland – swim to an island. There they find plentiful coconuts, mangoes, bananas and monkey butlers as far as the eye can see. When the pilot (he should really not call himself one after that plane incident) is attacked by a rubbery undersea man-beast, he begins the painful transformation into a mutated monster. Excitement, screaming and mango/banana fruit bowls ensue.

The PresenceKathy Ireland, shown here in the actual bathing suit she wore to defeat the monster, is a veteran scream queen, having appeared in hundreds of fashion shows that featured horrifying clothing mutations. This line of work can scar you for life and make it so you’re never able to wear off-the-rack blouses and/or smart pant-suits again. A fate worse than death.

Zombie 108

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Zombies with tags , , on December 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie 108The kicker line to Zombie 108, a 2011 Chinese horror movie, is harsh: “A city even abandoned by God.”

Yeesh. You know things have got to be messed up if someone with as much clout as the Big Guy in the Sky is packing his bags and getting out of dodge.

Billed as “the first genre moving combining apocalypse and zombie in Chinese film history,” Zombie 108 seems to have all the right elements: flesh-eating and… That’s pretty much it. How much more than living dead open-mouth chewing do you need?

Zombie 108Zombie 108 mixes fact with fiction and comes up with a reality-based walking dead movie: “The nuclear disaster that Japan suffered accidentally alters the genes of the influenza virus. After a viral event, the government orders to quarantine the sick and evacuate all residents in the vicinity. Meanwhile, the army and the police form a SWAT team to enter the quarantined zone. Those survivors suddenly become zombies to attack the living. In no time, the whole city is immersed in bloodshed.”

Zombie 108Sounds yummy. And with God pulling the “armageddon outta here” maneuver, if you were in said city during this fleshtival (heh), that means all moral, ethical and philosophical rules are null and void. For instance, in addition to eating delicious humans, you could cross the street without waiting for the WALK light. And you could go into a supermarket, open a carton of chocolate milk, take a big swig, and then put it back in the cooler. And overdue library books? Forget about it.

I totally wanna be a Chinese zombie.

The Erotic Adventures of Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on December 10, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sweet Prudence & The Erotic Adventures of BigfootIf you’re gonna look for Bigfoot, you have to start at a nudist camp. That makes so much sense, I’m speechless. It’s there you’ll most likely encounter not only the elusive monster, but so much uninhibited eye candy, it’ll give you an ice cream headache.

It’s at the Cottontail Nudist Camp where Prudence and two friends begin their hunt for Bigfoot, hoping to get a photo that will allow Prudence to get her degree in Cryptozoology. (I thought you had to do tests and stuff to get a degree. Heck, I could be a professor with all the hundreds of blurry pictures of Bigfoot I’ve taken over the years.)

Sweet Prudence & The Erotic Adventures of BigfootThis becomes the outline for the 2011 adult indie comedy Sweet Prudence & The Erotic Adventures of Bigfoot. Not trying to be a critic here, but the title would be way more marketable if they just made it The Erotic Adventures of Bigfoot. Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.

That this is an adult film, you’ll need to be of age to watch it as they show, um, a side of Bigfoot you’ve never seen before. And boobies. LOTS of boobies. As Prudence and her free-spirited friends look for Bigfoot, he’s been looking at them in their public and private interludes. Yes, this makes him a Peeping Foot.

Sweet Prudence & The Erotic Adventures of BigfootTheir search is constantly being interrupted by X-rated moments aplenty. This is what makes finding Bigfoot so darn challenging. Once Prudence achieves her goal, she attempts to communicate with the mythical creature in the only way she knows how. I really want you to guess how this done.

Clearly, Sweet Prudence & The Erotic Adventures of Bigfoot is a movie whose time has come. Ahem.