Holy Vampire

ReverendUsually when one goes to church, you come out with a renewed sense of faith, compassion for your fellow douche bag, and, on a few occasions, a sore butt. (Not just from alternative lifestyle priests, but from getting paddled for being sinful in the eyes of the Lord.) The one thing you shouldn’t expect from a Holy Man, though, is vampire teeth indentations on your neck. Or your butt. (see “Alternative Lifestyle Vampire Priests.”)

In the upcoming horror movie The Reverend (releasing in the UK on February 3, 2012), that’s kinda what happens when a newly-christened Reverend shows up in a “small, low-maintenance chapel based in the idyllic setting of a quiet country village.” (Doesn’t sound like a good business model – the collection plate is gonna come up a little bare in a small town.)

ReverendOne wet-filled night, a young chick visits The Reverend at the chapel and bites him. Holy crap to that. The next day the Reverend wakes up with an “unknown and uncontrollable thirst.” Yep, he’s now a vampire. (At least I think so – I haven’t seen the movie yet. Pretty embarrassing for me if he turns out to be a werewolf or some sort of human/El Chupacabra hybrid.)

ThirstA Man of the Cloth being turned into a vampire is not a new concept. Of the three I vaguely recall, it’s the 2009 Korean movie Thirst that sticks out in my neck. A priest volunteers for a medical experiment to help people. That’s the good news. The procedure goes oops and turns him into a bloodsucking sucker of all things blood. That’s the other good news.

If you haven’t seen it, Thirst is one of the more surreal, funny, gory and twisted vampire movies you’ll ever see with your eyeballs, especially the last 10 minutes. (Thirst is notable for being the first mainstream Korean film to feature full-frontal male nudity. South Korea, however, beat ’em to the hot dog display case by doing it in the 2006 film, No Regret. There’s a joke in there somewhere.)

A Reverend vampire, however, does throw up some red flags. Vampires are adverse to crosses, crucifixes, Holy water and all but the last chapter of the Bible, so I’m wondering how this supposed to make any sense at all. Regardless, best to not go to church anymore in case the guy leading the penance parade is a creature of the night. And keep a wooden stake next to the door – you never know when a bloodsucking Jehovah Witness is gonna drop by.

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