Archive for November, 2011

A Family of Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , on November 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Stepdad's A Freakin' VampireWould you tell your mom if you found out your stepdad was a vampire? No. Just deal with it and don’t be a douche bag tattle-tale. Besides, she probably already knows and, by virtue of swapping spit in the shower with Dad 2.0, is now a vampire herself. And you know what that means – you better keep your room clean.

My Dad's A Freakin' VampireMy Stepdad’s A Freakin’ Vampire, releasing on DVD November 22, 2011, deals with such normal day-to-day family matters. High school kid Rusty Funkouser discovers his new dad is a creature of the night. How does he deal with it? Heck if I know. If I were Rusty (there’s a joke in there somewhere), I’d make dad a stake dinner for his birthday. (Heh.)

My Stepdad's A Freakin' VampireFamily monster members isn’t a new concept. (see Dark Shadows, 1966). There are hundreds, if not dozens of horror movies – mostly comedy – that involves blood relatives trying to maintain a normal household while dealing with stuff like turning into something that eats necks, monster hunting neighbors and getting the kids off to school. (Dracula has, like, a million offspring, the horny bastard. Hard to blame him – in Drac’s day, condoms were made of silver and lubricated with garlic juice.)

Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf IIFor whatever reason, more family members tend to be werewolves than vampires. There’s Teen Wolf (1985) and Teen Wolf Too (1987), which throws a whole new spin on puberty with sons and cousins, offspring of a family of werewolves, having to deal with fur growing where there was no fur before.

A Family of MonstersThen there was The Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985), the dumb ass sequel to The Howling (1981). Modern day Amazonian Sybil Danning took this story to new lows by ripping her shirt/bra off 18 times in a loop that played over the credits. Critics hated it. I loved it. That part, anyway. (In case you’re writing this down, it was also called Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch. I like that better because of the “b” word. Gives it a little extra zing, don’t you think?)

Then there’s My Mom’s A Werewolf (1989), a homogenized tail, uh, tale about a frustrated housewife who attempts an extramarital affair with a pet shop owner who happens to be a werewolf. Craziness ensues.

Ginger SnapsThen there was Ginger Snaps (2000), which has a teen sister turning into a werewolf after being bitten by one, and the other sister trying to cure her. Good luck with that. This was followed by Ginger Snaps: Unleashed (2004) and Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004). These are three of the better werewolf movie franchises out there because I said so.

A Family of MonstersThen there was Big Bad Wolf (2006), concerning a teen who discovers his stepdad is a werewolf. This wolfman is one funny lycanthrope, cracking some killer (sorry) one-liners. In one scene the werewolf gets himself a little booty by doing it doggy style with a teen chick. “She was a virgin!” screams her boyfriend. “Not anymore!” smirks the werewolf. Priceless.

In Mama Dracula (1980), a modern day Countess Bathory has to find virgins whose blood she needs to bathe in to retain that healthy glow. Since it’s modern day, virgins are in short supply. You can see where this is going.

In Ghost Dad, Bill Cosby, a widowed father raising a bunch of spoiled brats, dies in a taxi accident. But he still has to do dad stuff before he can fully cross over into the Land of Freshness-Expired Parents or something. (If I was a ghost dad, I’d scare the sass right out of my kids’ mouths using various paranormal methods like rattling chains, the opening and closing doors, and eating their brains.)

So if you find out one of your family members is a vampire/werewolf/ghost, don’t try and kill them. Make a movie about ’em, rake in tons of Hollywood dough, then kill them. Unless you’re planning a sequel. In which case you might wanna hold off on that whole “killing a family member” thing.

Stormhouse: Where Evil Hangs Its Hat

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , on November 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

StormhouseThis one’s been all over the web as of late, so I guess I’ll throw in my forty-three cents worth. Stormhouse is an indie horror thriller about a supernatural entity that was captured by the U.S. military in 2002. (God bless our fighting men and women). They keep this ghostly thingamajig in storage at an underground base designed to hold Bigfoot when and if they find him. That’s my theory, anyway.

StormhouseWhy and how the military captured this entity isn’t the point (though it should be). So they bring in a chick ghost whisperer to try and communicate while they do experiments on its b-hole, or “parts unknown.” Again, my theory. But this paranormal creature gets uptight when the G-whisperer tries to start a conversation about what her cat did, and gets loose thanks to a “disastrous chain of events.” Now everyone has to fight for their lives. Dang it.

The Hidden, FallenIt’s gonna be challenging – the entity can jump between bodies to communicate. (Remember The Hidden/1987 and Fallen/1998? Similar concept). And since its in the mood to play, the darn thing sings the French ditty, “Frère Jacques,” the “Kashmir” of nursery rhyme songs. Of all the things a ghost has going for it, perfect pitch ain’t one of  ’em. (Note: The demon entity in Fallen sang “Time Is On My Side.” Of course demons know Stones songs; “Sympathy for the Devil” – hello.)

Releasing February 7, 2012 on DVD, Stormhouse was first met with a storm of mixed reviews after premiering at Screamfest 2011: Shocktilyoudrop.com called it “dull and unintentionally funny,” while Horrortalk.com maintains that “[Stormhouse] is a great ghost story and all the more impressive for being shot on a small budget.”

I have yet to see Stormhouse as of this writing, so I only have this to say about it: “I laughed, I cried, I made tinkle – it was the feel-good movie of the year.”

The Zombie King

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Zombie KingWhen bite right through the bottom line, there are two kinds of zombies: those born of a virus/chemical/space goo, and those brought back from the land of non-living by voodoo. You don’t see many voodoo zombies in movies these days as viruses, chemicals and space goo are more readily convenient – you don’t really need to explain that delivery system. But you kinda do with voodoo. For starters, you gotta know some rituals. Then you have to wear bones in your nose, a chicken feather hat, and probably have jungle breath. I can manage one of those.

The Zombie King, a new UK-made grindhouse short film, finds a grieving guy who dinks around with voodoo to bring back his dead wife without knowing the rules. The irony here being that if she lived and they stayed married long enough, she would have driven him to an early grave. That’s what all my married buddies tell me, anyway.

The Zombie KingThe Zombie King stars Corey Feldman (The Lost Boys/1987) as Kalfu, the God of Malevolence. (His name sounds like a sneeze made by a vegetarian.) The movie’s mission statement boasts comedy, action, tension and, according to the title anyway, zombies. The guy who wanted to resurrect his spent spouse makes a pact with Kalfu to “destroy the Underworld and to bring chaos to Earth (like we need any more of that nonsense). In exchange, the guy gets to become the Zombie King and walk the what’s left of the planet with his dead dearest. For eternity. He might wanna re-think that business model.

The Zombie King

And because you can’t get zombies to do what you want, hordes of the undead eat their way through a countryside town, causing the military to shoot anyone who looks like a zombie. (Best not to go there after an all-nighter.) And because this is a zombie movie, those not part of the solution are part of the problem, uniting despite differences to survive the slaughter buffet and repel the Zombie King and his skin-hungry associates.

I wanna be a Zombie King. The hours work with my lifestyle and I hear the pay is good.

The Horror of The Amityville Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , on November 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Amityville HorrorIt’s one of the most popular haunted house movies of all time, even though it was kinda cheesy, what with a floating pig, swarms of beneficial house flies and defective plumbing noises. The Amityville Horror, released in 1979, told the now-famous story of a family moving into the possessed home, only to leave weeks later in the middle of the night, scared out of their lease, claiming an evil entity harassed and called them names ’n stuff. Man, those evil entities play rough. The house, as they discovered, was the site of a mass murder. (The DeFeo Family was killed in their sleep by the eldest son who claimed voices told him to do it. The voices in my head always say stuff like “drink all the beer” and “you must lie on the couch.” I obey the voices.)

The kicker is that all this stuff actually happened. Of course it was for real – there was The Amityville Horror: A True Story (1977) by Jay Anson, a top-selling book documenting George and Kathy Lutz’ horrific ordeal inside the allegedly haunted house. Books wouldn’t lie. Since then, the name Amityville has become synonymous with all topics ghost-y and has spawned a spate of movies. (I’ve been waiting to use “spate” in a sentence. It gives the impression I have a command of Englishness talk-talk words.)

The Amityville HorrorAdd two more films to the Amityville franchise pile: The Amityville Haunting, a made-on-the-cheap “found footage” Asylum cash-in (releasing December, 2011) that documents the “horrifying experience of a family that moved into the infamous haunted house,” and The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes (2012), which tracks a chick TV news intern looking to break the “most famous haunted house case in the world.” The story picks up after the events of the original book and movie via found footage. I am SO tired of “found footage” movies. It’s like the karaoke of filmmaking.

While we/I lie on the couch and wait for these two new Amityville Horror movies, here’s a look back at how a true haunted house story was endlessly sullied by Hollywood…

The Amityville HorrorTHE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)
George Lutz and his new wife Kathy (with previously-made kids) score a sweet deal on the charming-yet-evil Dutch Colonial haunted house on the south shore of Long Island. Had they known the house was possessed by the previous tenant who shotgunned his family in the face there and was probably built over an ancient Indian burial ground, they might have saved themselves doing a lot of laundry (think about it). They moved out shortly thereafter, leaving all their junk in the house. No wonder the ghosts were pissed…those were SHAG RUGS!

AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION (1982)
A prequel loosely based on the true story of Ronald DeFeo shotgunning his mom, dad, little brother and sisters in the face. A fictional dysfunctional family moves into the ill-fated house. The eldest son becomes possessed by a double evil presence and hears voices telling him to shotgun his family in the face. Not wanting to disappoint the voices, the kid does what he’s told, but not before having sex with his sister. I’m pretty sure that’s not cool.

The Amityville HorrorAMITYVILLE 3D (1983)
A journalist buys the legendary haunted Amityville house to prove that all that evilizing and ghostings are nothing more than paranormal doo doo. The look on his face when he finds a gateway to Hell in his basement well with a demon hot-tubbing in it is near to priceless.

AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)
A bunch of priests show up at the cursed house to exorcise the non-rent paying demons. Thinking they were successful (silly church boys), the demons possess household items, all of which were sold at a garage sale. A lamp, possessed by 60-watt evil, is purchased for the bargain price of $100 and passed around to unsuspecting people who just wanted a little light in their lives.

The Amityville HorrorTHE AMITYVILLE CURSE (1990)
Five people spend the night in the Amityville house, only to have their pants scared right off their disbelieving buttocks by a variety pack of ghosts and bugs. Here’s the scary part – they used a different house instead of the iconic home with the red glowing attic windows. You know what that means? Evil is portable.

AMITYVILLE: IT’S ABOUT TIME (1992)
A vintage possessed clock from the Amityville house ticks down your life with bathtub goo, zombies, a torture chamber and (gasp!) doors that open and close BY THEMSELVES! I think I just crapped my pants.

The Amityville HorrorAMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION (1993)
A possessed mirror this time. A homeless guy sells the ornate looking glass to an artist who discovers the soul of his dead dad is reflected in it. To have it make a lick of sense, dad shotgunned all but one of his family on Thanksgiving with the rifle from the original Amityville murder house. Seems logical.

AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE (1996)
Newlyweds move into a newly house and in it discover a dollhouse that looks exactly like the evil Amityville murder house. This simply cannot be good. There’s zombie ghosts, a dog-sized mouse (it was white instead of the preferred evil black), possessed dolls, voodoo, witchcraft and (gasp!) a car that STARTS BY ITSELF! I have to wash my pants again.

The Amityville HorrorTHE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005)
A stylish but pointless remake of the 1979 original that, while mildly entertaining, did little to bring anything new to the table, although it did have the ghost of Jodie, the young murdered DeFeo daughter, sticking a finger into the shotgun hole in her own head. That is SO gross.

Gambling With Godzilla

Posted in Giant Monsters, Godzilla with tags , on November 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla on Monster IslandWho hasn’t felt the urge to destroy Las Vegas every time a nickel slot machine that once promised you limitless financial security and chicks who suddenly become attracted to you now that you’re rollin’ in moderately taxed fun bucks, takes your last fist full of bus change and leaves you with nothing but the pants on your back?

Stand in line.

At the end of the day, there are only two ways to get revenge on Vegas. One is to win. The other is to play the new Godzilla on Monster Island™ video slot machine, and let the King of Monsters turn Sin City into a pile of shiny rubble for you.

Godzilla on Monster IslandAs reported by Godzilla expert Ken Hulsey on the crazy cool Godzilla 2012 website, the Godzilla on Monster Island™ video slot machine is making its way into our casinos, ready to take your yen and put the power of Godzilla in your hand. Or hands. You can use both if you want.

Godzilla on Monster IslandJudging by the screenshots, the bus-change sucking machine looks to have all the necessary bells, bombs and whistles to keep G-fans engaged in wallet-emptying action. You have Godzilla vs. The Military. (We all know how effective they are against the Big Guy – you could win big here.) Then you have Godzilla vs. The City. (Use your atomic breath to uncover bonus points underneath skyscrapers. (Almost as much fun as playing Keno while drunk.) Then you have Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla (a resilient foe – respecta the Mecha), Godzilla vsGigan (Really? You couldn’t have picked a more familiar adversary, like King Ghidorah or that butt-head Rodan?), and Godzilla vs. Mothra (Mothra rarely wins, so go nuts here and beat that overgrown kite like a rug.)

Godzilla on Monster IslandVegas, you are doomed. Once I get enough bus change together I’m headed your way to play Godzilla on Monster Island™ and win enough money to buy back the pants you stole from me last time, and to take back my dignity.

Chicks dig guys who wear pants. Or so I’ve heard.

How To Fake A Ghost

Posted in Ghosts with tags on November 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SpectreThe spirit ghost of a woman in used Bed, Bath & Beyond™ robes roams a forest of some sort, spooking campers, hikers, bears and fuzzy squirrels. So frightful is her visage, if you were out picking poisonous berries and happened to see her, you’d crap poisonous berries.

How did she get to be a ghost? Eating poison berries, probably. But if you’re gonna call your movie Spectre, you’re gonna need a ghost, a reason and some fuzzy squirrels to add drama. OK, maybe not that last thing. Back in the early days before forests were turned into strip malls, a local villager (the pre-ghost woman) was attacked and killed by a cadre (sorry – word of the day calendar) of spectres who inhabited the forest and apparently didn’t want anyone picking their berries. Now she’s doomed to be the Guardian of the Berries throughout eternity.

A dumb premise for a ghost story? It should be – it’s made up. In fact, the one-sheet for Spectre is entirely fictional, as created by me. Designed mostly as an experiment to emulate today’s horror movie posters that I have an endless obsession with, Spectre, if anything, goes to show anyone can do this.

Here’s how I did it: I Googled™ the words “spooky forest” and ended up with the picture below. Then I Googled™ “bloody hand” and got a picture of a college student’s blood-stained hand, no doubt made so during a cocktail lounge altercation with a werewolf and/or broken beer bottle. Then I did a search for “ghost woman” and got an actual photo of a real life ghost (OK, that didn’t sound right).

SpectreFrom there it was just a matter of finding a cool spooky free font on http://www.dafont.com, dump it all into Photoshop and start experimenting with various filters and layer transparency effects. (Hint: I used free smoke brushes found all over the Internet to create the icky webbing stuff coming off the fingers.)

I could’ve gone the extra mile to add fake credits and a more weathered look befitting forest ghosts, but I was busy making homemade jams from these tangy berries I picked. So the inspiration here is to buy a high-grade consumer video camera (under $1,000), write a script ($3 worth of paper), use your mom’s sheets for ghost clothing (ask first), and hire me to design your movie’s poster. I need to the money to pay for my medical bills to have my stomach pumped after eating berries, of all things. I thought those things were supposed to be healthy. Geez.

Set Your Alarm Clock For The Awakening

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , on November 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The AwakeningThree horror movies released in three different decades with the same title: The Awakening (1980), The Awakening (2008) and The Awakening (2011). Outside of their titles, none of them have anything to do with each other. And yet I found a connecting thread hidden beneath the hellish stories of reincarnation, ghosts and choreographed singing and dancing. Continue reading (without moving your lips) and you’ll find out why I get paid the big bucks.

The AwakeningIn The Awakening (1980), Charleton Heston (aka, Taylor from Planet of the Apes/1968), plays an archeologist who discovers his daughter is possessed by the spirit of an Egyptian queen. (His first clue was her sleeping in a sarcophagus.) To save mankind he must destroy her into lawn fertilizer. The Awakening was based on a 1903 Bram Stoker novel, The Jewel of the Seven Stars. I didn’t read it, preferring to wait for the paperback version. That was made into 1970’s The Curse of the Mummy and again in 1971 as Blood From The Mummy’s Tomb. I’ve seen all three movies. They’re all vaguely similar somehow, though Blood From The Mummy’s Tomb shows boobies. I like boobies.

The Awakening The Awakening (2008) is a singing and dancing musical made in India for the whole family. I haven’t seen it and can’t understand Hindu, so I’m just gonna connect what I perceive to be the logical dots here. With so much banging of the drums, the jangling of the tambourines and the ground-shaking dancing and singing that sounds like harmonized gargling, an ancient ghost is disturbed from its sleep and awakens in a cranky mood. Seeking revenge, it ravages the once-happy singers/dancers by eating their brains, which to an ancient ghost, tastes like khandvi with a side of pickles and coconut milk. It also stars people with names like Swapna, Preeti and Gargi. Spooky.

The AwakeningThen there’s The Awakening (November, 2011) a British ghost story set in 1921 post WWI England. Having just lost her fiancé in aforementioned war, Florence Cathcart needs a spit valve for her grief and becomes a ghost hunting debunker. She is summoned to the Rockwood Boarding School where the students/freeloaders are literally being scared to death by the school’s ghosts. What she finds makes her re-think this whole ghost-busting business model. (Fangoria™ reviewed The Awakening, calling it “A finely written, finely acted, finely crafted ghost story, and quite possibly one of the finest British films of recent years – but most assuredly one of the best ghost stories of the decade.”)

I don’t see how given that nowhere in any review I read did a ghost or “ghosts” eat anyone’s brains.

So the pattern is quite clear if you just allow yourself to think outside the cardboard box – the linking thread is the storyline of each Awakening is a metaphor. I’d tell you what it is, but then you wouldn’t learn anything. Change must come from within.

Now go forth and eat some brains and gain some knowledge.

11/11/11 – It Goes To Eleven

Posted in Evil with tags on November 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

11/11/1111/11/11. People love date/number symbolism (especially this one), attaching artificial significance to the numerical alignment, from heavy metal guitarists turning it all the way up to 11, to Vegas gamblers betting it all on 11, to religious extremism that insists it’s just one more step towards Godless damnation. I’m split down the middle – I base my life on the numbers 5.5/5.5/5.5. This way I’m covered whichever way the action goes down. (Didn’t work for me at the Emerald Queen Casino, though – their roulette wheels only have stupid whole numbers. I placed my bet that the ball would land on the metal rim separating ’em.)

11/11/11Defective casino games and church-y scaremongering notwithstanding, 11-11-11 is the cleverly named horror movie that foretells the end of the world, even though the bible’s been ranting about that since the dawn of book stores.

From the press release of 11-11-11: “American author Joseph Crone travels to Spain to spend time with his dying father after the death of his own wife and child. While abroad, he is plagued by strange occurrences and the persistent appearance of the number 11. It eventually becomes clear that the number refers to a mystical date when forces will converge and Heaven’s eleventh gate will open.”

11/11/11You didn’t have to be a prophet to foretell someone would come up with the same idea and the same title. The Asylum, the mockumentary movie company/dumpster divers, is releasing 11/11/11, making darn sure that their movie is legally cleared for takeoff by changing the hyphens to slashes. Either way, that’s brilliant; this could become a whole new way to market generic convenience stores:  7-Eleven-7-Eleven-7-Eleven.

In the cleverly title manipulated 11/11/11, “Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son’s bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse – and it will happen on his birthday, 11/11/11.” (I liked this better when they called it The Omen/1976.)

I’ll leave it to attorneys or those with a background in religious alarmism to debate. But an inevitable sequel is bound to happen: 12/12/12. It’s a story about people who don’t give a monkey fart about the “apocalypse” and have a heavy metal vomit party to celebrate their God-less ways. (I sent out an Evite™ – lemme know if you didn’t get yours.)

The Devil’s Rock – It’s Not About Music

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , on November 9, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's RockIf you’re a dude, a devil woman is one of those “wish list” things, what with there being no rules/limits to, shall we say, a physical-based relationship. Sure, you have to put up with your soul being eaten later with a side of your own guts. But man, what a ride.

Then there’s the devil woman referenced in the 1976 hit single by British pop teen idol, Cliff Richard. Catchy song, but it did nothing to cool the burning in your loins. (Note: Cliff has sold over 250 million albums worldwide. He doesn’t need your validation.)

Then there’s the devil woman that is your ex, the most hellish entity known to man.

Then there’s the devil woman from the upcoming horror flick The Devil’s Rock. (I thought the Devil’s Rock was the first three albums by solo era Ozzy Osbourne or later period Cliff Richard.) This crimson c*ckblocker  looks like a cross between something from Star Wars: Phantom Menace (1999) and Legend (1985), with a little bit of ex-wife/girlfriend thrown in for balance.

The Devil's RockThe Devil’s Rock is referred to as a “kiwi” film. Reverse-engineering suggests this means the movie was made wherever kiwis are grown. (Not in my neighborhood – we only grow used chewing gum and Truckstopper™ burrito wrappers.)

As first reported by Shocktilyoudrop.com, The Devil’s Rock is “set in the Channel Islands on the eve of D-Day. Two Kiwi commandos, sent to destroy German gun emplacements to distract Hitler’s forces away from Normandy, discover a Nazi occult plot to unleash demonic forces to win the war.”

Man, I hope they succeed in stopping those super mean Nazis and demons. I don’t want to have to give up my lavish lifestyle of gum, burritos, Hellspawn future ex-wives or Cliff Richard records (in limited edition picture sleeves.)

The Theatre Bizarre

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , on November 8, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Theatre BizarreCircus freaks are way fun to hang out and party with. But under no circumstances should you let them get you blotto drunk or you might find yourself doing stuff like trying to squeeze your body through a tennis racket, letting someone throw darts at your face, drinking regurgitated bile, and/or eating glass. (My old friend Jim Rose of the Circus Sideshow used to tell me he had eaten so much glass over the years as part of his act, he could “sh*t a chandelier.” FYI: That will NEVER get old for me.)

The Theatre BizarreSo it is with fond memories that bring me to The Theatre Bizarre, an anthology of truly messed up horror that’ll mess up your pants. (Yeah, I used that line once or twice before. When something works for me, I stick with it.) In The Theatre Bizarre, Enola Penny, a hot young gal whose name totally sounds made up, ventures into an abandoned theatre in the dirty part of town. It’s there she meets a creepy human puppet named Peg Poett that spins six tales of the bizarre. There’s a horny witch, two paranoid lovers who go the distance, an unfaithful hubbie who can’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality, something involving a kid and the “horrors of the world,” a couple with a perverse obsession with sweets, and my fav, a woman addicted to other people’s memories who gets her fix through the vitreous fluid of her victim’s eyeballs. That is SO icky!

Theatre BizarreDefinitely “must see TV,” though what if you could experience all of that and more for real? There’s the Theatre Bizarre: A Masquerade Spectacular loaded with cool real world old school vaudevillians who do this stuff for fun. There’s a guy named Crud (I’m stinkin’ jealous I didn’t come up with that name at birth), the Superhero Hotrod, The Geppeto Files, Uncle Scratch’s Gospel Revival… Man, that’d be so cool be a freak, but me in my uptight, buttoned up world, I’m doomed to be one of the “norms.”

Theatre BizarreHere’s what I snaked off their website: “Since the turn of the century, Theatre Bizarre has layered darkness on top of darkness.  In the shadow of the now dormant Michigan State Fairgrounds it stands in a largely abandoned neighborhood – surrounded by dozens of homes left vacant and decaying on the northernmost edge of Detroit. Built by an army of volunteers and emerging for only one incomparable masquerade each year, Theatre Bizarre has become the city’s most famous and infamous underground party. Shut down by the city of Detroit in 2010, Theatre Bizarre lives on.”

Theatre BizarreIf I wasn’t such a slave to the corporate grind, I’d move to Detroit right now and change my name to Jerry – The Homeless Guy Who Will Drink Anything Alcohol Flavored. (If I get hired on by Theatre Bizarre and you come to see the show, you might wanna stay out of the first three rows – it might get icky.)