Bunnyman 2: Ear-y Horror

If Leatherface, the fashion trend-setting, power-tool wielding star of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, wore a bunny suit instead of a mask made of human skin, would you buy into it? Let me re-phrase that – if Leatherface wore a bunny suit and chopped up a bunch of teenagers the first time, would you buy into a sequel that essentially does the same thing?

Apparently, you’re about to. Bunnyman 2, starring a chainsaw-wielding cannibal psychopath (man, that combination of words is so over-used these days), is back for some leftovers – i.e., your personal sausage.

The plot for Bunnyman 2 (releasing in 2012) sounds like a page Black ’n Deckered out of Leatherface’s diary:

“On a desolate road a group of friends cut a random truck driver off. The truck driver just happens to be the psychotic leader of a cannibalistic family who tends to wear a bunny suit, luring his victims in with an innocent appearance. A brutal downward spiral of death, torture, and despair is about to begin. One by one the friends come to a gruesome demise. The lucky ones will be run over, chopped out of trees, dismembered by chainsaw, or simply tortured to the soothing sounds of classical music.”

To be fair, there’s a twist where the surviving victims fight back. Who would’ve thought? And according to HorrorHappyHour.com, Bunnyman 2 promises a sequel that is “bigger, bloodier, grittier & better than its predecessor in every way that is feasibly imaginable, with almost the equivalent to three baseball teams worth of blood-gargling goodness.” Baseball and cannibals. I’m not getting the associative metaphor.

Just so you’re forewarned, Bunnyman/Bunnyman 2 are not comedies. Call me a blood-gargling snob, but it’s kinda hard to take a cannibal serious if he’s wearing a cute ’n fuzzy bunny costume, chainsaw or no. And while we’re on the subject, with as much blood as B-man drills from obnoxious road-trippin’ teenagers in the first one, how the heck does he keep his rabbit uniform so white? Gain™? Whisk™? Ultra-Clorox2™? Intensified Tide with Stain-Busters™? Knowing which detergent gets the blood/guts out will further me in my life.

Then there’s the endorsement: “Bunnyman hops onto the screen as the new Horror Icon.” – Patrick Ricketts, Video Views. Ouch. Really, Patrick? How long did it take you to come up with that reach-around? (Video Views is a digital video production company. Connect the dots.)

Let me assist: “Bunnyman – 24 Carrot Terror.” Or  “Bunnyman – You Just Crossed Over The Receding Hare Line…into Hell!” Or “Bunnyman Will Cut Your Celery – In Half!” Or “Bunnyman: Why Won’t He Lettuce Alone?” Or “Bunnyman 2: Splitting Hares.”

Call me, Patrick – I have 30 more. At the very least.