Love Bite: Werewolves Vs. Virgins

Love BiteThere’s a new werewolf in town. And while you’d think its diet would consist of stuff like of pulled people pork, Purina Werewolf Chow™, or the occasional lemon poppy seed raccoon, you’d be wrong. At least about this one. In Love Bite, an in-production horror dark comedy, the werewolf doing some grocery shopping in the dead-end seaside town of Rainmouth subsists solely on virgin flesh, the culinary equivalent of veal.

A bored and restless high-school guy and his buddies look to score age-appropriate girls at night to offset their dull daytime lives. Sex is the ONLY thing on their minds, bragging about it and pursuing it with pocket rocket zeal. One of the guys meets a visiting supermodel at a party and suddenly there’s potential to resolve at least one of his problems. The chick’s appearance in town coincides with werewolf attacks on virgin boys and…. Wait a minute; all that smack talk about scoring/having scored was nothing but hot air? They’ll pay for those boastful untruths with their unused skin – unless they can get some squeaky bedspring action. It’s either do it or die.

Jessica SzohrLove Bite stars Jessica Szohr (Vanessa from CW’s Gossip Girl – man, those gals can get bitchy). While the double hot actress has an impressive résumé (everything from CSI: Miami to Piranha 3D), Jessica’s highwater mark was modeling for a national ad campaign for Quaker Oats™ cereal. (I’m a confirmed Cap’n Crunch guy, but I’d sew some wild Quaker Oats™ with her. Heh.)

Love Bite releases in 2012. I think that’s next year. More research is required. So generic is the term “love bite” (which originally refers to a hickey on the neck, thigh or memory foam ass pillows), it’s been used in one form or another since the late Seventies, in everything from porno dramas to vampire comedies. Behold…

Love BitesLOVE BITES (1986)
An adult movie that shows naughty parts and stars Traci Lords and Harry Reems (man, that name kills me). Scientists study a new breed of mosquitoes, whose bite makes people horny. (What, they never heard of the Viagrapede?)

A light-hearted vampire romance movie starring ’80s pirate-costumed/pop singing sensation Adam Ant (i.e., “Ant Music,” “Goody Two Shoes” and the catchy conundrum, “Desperate But Not Serious”). Mr. Ant is a vampire who falls in love with a regular chick, so he tries to find a way to become human so he can be with her. That is so sweet.

Love Bites/Love At First Bite

A Euro-trash vampiress film with supermodel blood-lickers using sharp finger sheaths instead of fangs. That is so nouveau.

A light-hearted romantic comedy starring George Hamilton, Hollywood tanning machine addict, as a vampire. (George single-handedly caused global warming.) Best part of the movie happens when Susan Saint James, the gal Dracula targets to be his next bride, takes him back to her messy downtown New York apartment for some meaningful mattress time. She asks, “Can I get you something?” And Dracula, looking around at the pig sty, responds, “A broom, perhaps.”

I wake up every day of my life and still crack up over that one.

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