A Family of Monsters

My Stepdad's A Freakin' VampireWould you tell your mom if you found out your stepdad was a vampire? No. Just deal with it and don’t be a douche bag tattle-tale. Besides, she probably already knows and, by virtue of swapping spit in the shower with Dad 2.0, is now a vampire herself. And you know what that means – you better keep your room clean.

My Dad's A Freakin' VampireMy Stepdad’s A Freakin’ Vampire, releasing on DVD November 22, 2011, deals with such normal day-to-day family matters. High school kid Rusty Funkouser discovers his new dad is a creature of the night. How does he deal with it? Heck if I know. If I were Rusty (there’s a joke in there somewhere), I’d make dad a stake dinner for his birthday. (Heh.)

My Stepdad's A Freakin' VampireFamily monster members isn’t a new concept. (see Dark Shadows, 1966). There are hundreds, if not dozens of horror movies – mostly comedy – that involves blood relatives trying to maintain a normal household while dealing with stuff like turning into something that eats necks, monster hunting neighbors and getting the kids off to school. (Dracula has, like, a million offspring, the horny bastard. Hard to blame him – in Drac’s day, condoms were made of silver and lubricated with garlic juice.)

Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf IIFor whatever reason, more family members tend to be werewolves than vampires. There’s Teen Wolf (1985) and Teen Wolf Too (1987), which throws a whole new spin on puberty with sons and cousins, offspring of a family of werewolves, having to deal with fur growing where there was no fur before.

A Family of MonstersThen there was The Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985), the dumb ass sequel to The Howling (1981). Modern day Amazonian Sybil Danning took this story to new lows by ripping her shirt/bra off 18 times in a loop that played over the credits. Critics hated it. I loved it. That part, anyway. (In case you’re writing this down, it was also called Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch. I like that better because of the “b” word. Gives it a little extra zing, don’t you think?)

Then there’s My Mom’s A Werewolf (1989), a homogenized tail, uh, tale about a frustrated housewife who attempts an extramarital affair with a pet shop owner who happens to be a werewolf. Craziness ensues.

Ginger SnapsThen there was Ginger Snaps (2000), which has a teen sister turning into a werewolf after being bitten by one, and the other sister trying to cure her. Good luck with that. This was followed by Ginger Snaps: Unleashed (2004) and Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004). These are three of the better werewolf movie franchises out there because I said so.

A Family of MonstersThen there was Big Bad Wolf (2006), concerning a teen who discovers his stepdad is a werewolf. This wolfman is one funny lycanthrope, cracking some killer (sorry) one-liners. In one scene the werewolf gets himself a little booty by doing it doggy style with a teen chick. “She was a virgin!” screams her boyfriend. “Not anymore!” smirks the werewolf. Priceless.

In Mama Dracula (1980), a modern day Countess Bathory has to find virgins whose blood she needs to bathe in to retain that healthy glow. Since it’s modern day, virgins are in short supply. You can see where this is going.

In Ghost Dad, Bill Cosby, a widowed father raising a bunch of spoiled brats, dies in a taxi accident. But he still has to do dad stuff before he can fully cross over into the Land of Freshness-Expired Parents or something. (If I was a ghost dad, I’d scare the sass right out of my kids’ mouths using various paranormal methods like rattling chains, the opening and closing doors, and eating their brains.)

So if you find out one of your family members is a vampire/werewolf/ghost, don’t try and kill them. Make a movie about ’em, rake in tons of Hollywood dough, then kill them. Unless you’re planning a sequel. In which case you might wanna hold off on that whole “killing a family member” thing.

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