Zombie Massacre’d

Zombie MassacreAnd because there simply isn’t enough zombies movies in the world today, another baker’s dozen are in the works, including one by shamed German horror movie director, Uwe Boll. (I’m probably wrong, but I think it’s pronounced “you-ee” which is the reverse of “eeww,” the sound you make when you step in something icky.)

Being pre-sold as of this writing and targeted for 2012, Boll’s deftly-titled Zombie Massacre tracks “a commando team of mercenaries who bring an atomic bomb to blow up a nuclear plant, and have to face a horde of infected monsters in a little town in the middle of Europe. They only have one hour to escape from the town before the nuclear blast.”

If the name Zombie Massacre sounds like something out of your nerdy past, it is. ZM is/was the title of the 1998 Amiga first-person shooter computer game (essentially a knock-off of Doom/1994.)

Zombie MassacreThat means two things: Uwe Boll is making yet another video game adaptation. And if the laws of gravity still work, this means the film could be predestined for scorn and ridicule, not necessarily in that order.

Not being snarky here – Boll’s track record of making movies out of video games supports my contention: House of the Dead/2003 ($12 million budget/$5.73 million box office); Alone In The Dark/2005 ($20 million budget/$5.1 million box office); BloodRayne/2005 ($25 million budget/$2.42 million box office). And his adaptation of  In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is a stunning f*ck up for two reasons: one is the $60 million budget, $10 million box office. The other is whoever gave Boll the money to do this movie and…. Oh wait – Boll’s BKG Production Company finances his own films. At least you can’t fault the guy for believing in himself.

House of the DeadMay Uwe should try doing laundry detergent or bratwurst commercials. Video Hound’s Golden Movie Retriever described Boll’s House of the Dead as a “cinematic train wreck.” Alone in the Dark appear on the Internet Movie Database’s Bottom 100 films list.(A review of Alone in the Dark states that the movie makes other “bad” movie directors feel better in comparison.) At the end of the day, Boll is cited as one of the worst directors of all time.

Alone in the DarkOK, that’s just being mean. So what if his movies suck bratwurst? No one’s holding a German sausage to your head and making you watch ’em. Everyone should just leave Uwe Boll alone – unless he makes a movie based on Wild Woody, a 1995 video game about a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. I’ll state it as clearly as I can: Don’t. F*ck. With. The. Classics.

I will, however, welcome an adaptation of Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom (1990). That thing just begs for the big screen.

Wild Woody, Princess Tomato

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