Archive for October, 2011

Chronicle: Sci-Fi Super Teens

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on October 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

ChronicleSeattle is home to many things: Bigfoot, flying saucers, emo vampires, testosterone-y werewolves, me… Now you can add sci-fi super-powered high school students to that illustrious list.

In Chronicle, due out February 3, 2011, three teenage jackasses with a penchant for practical jokes and painful white boy rapping, discover something in the woods that bestows them with superhuman powers. My guess: a half-rack of Budweiser. Hey, it worked  on me. These chuckleheads use their growing abilities to play pranks and to remove superfluous clothing from females. Then things get really fun.

ChronicleIn addition to their powers, which makes them out to be alt-rock X-Men, their dark sides come out and, like all teenagers, abuse their privileges, causing moody destruction and acne-prone problems.

I liked this better when it was called The Craft (1996).

ChronicleExamining the screenshots, the one with a kid sitting all moody pout-y in a junkyard, has the Space Needle in the background. I live here. There’s no car dump on West Seattle’s waterfront. There is an over-priced seafood restaurant (Salty’s on Alki), a walking park land-mined with Canadian geese poop, a greasy fish ’n chips shack, and a water taxi that doesn’t give back change. Because of this false metal depiction of Seattle, I hereby deem Chronicle to be fake. I can believe in teens who can fly and bend cars in half with their minds. But a less-than-hygenic junkyard on our/my scenic waterfront? How dare you.

Ghost In The Flying Machine

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , on October 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Flight 3DIt’s bad enough when airports use Superman technology to look into your underpants before boarding a doomed flight. But to actually travel on a ghost plane? I can put up with an X-rayed wee wee and even airport security intercepting beer smuggled inside a squeezable bottle of Massengil™, but not polter-pilots. Billed as Thailand’s first 3D horror movie, Dark Flight 3D puts you in the cockpit of SPOOKY ASS STUFF and coach-class ghosts.

Ten years ago, which is about a decade, give or take, a supermodel airline hostess (or “peanut lady”) survived a horrific plane crash. (No peanuts made it out alive.) And like all pre-screened employees of the airline, she logically believes that vengeful spirits (or “ghosts”) landed the plane into pieces. So gooned out was this gal, she had to undergo a decade (or 10 years, give or take) of psycho therapy to get the wrinkles ironed out of her belief system.

Done and done. Now she’s ready to take flight once again and…hold it Mable, don’t set the table – the plane she’s on is the SAME ONE that crashed all those electro-shock treatments ago. Not to worry, the aircraft has been fixed and re-painted, with hardly a trace of blood and gut splatter anywhere. How ironic is it, then, that the same ghosts booked seats on that flight? The odds are so astronomical as to be comical. Hey, that rhymes! I’m in the zone today.

The Ghost of Flight 401Any of this sound familiar? It should – Dark Flight 3D uses The Ghost of Flight 401 (1978) as its template for terror. Based on a true event (Wikipedia™: “Eastern Air Lines Flight 401 was a Lockheed L-1011 Tristar 1 jet that crashed into the Florida Everglades on the night of December 29, 1972, causing 101 fatalities”), The Ghost of Flight 401 (book and movie) has engineers sifting through the doomed plane’s salvageable parts and uses them to repair other aircraft. Not cool, air dudes. Soon passengers and crew on those aircraft report seeing what they believe to be the ghost of the wrecked airplane’s flight engineer.

I believe them with all my heart.

The Ghost of Flight 401So the next time you book a flight, choose one that doesn’t have ghosts, vengeful or otherwise. Knowing airlines these days, they’ll charge you extra for that.

Acid Spiders – Bugs on Drugs

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , on October 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Acid SpidersInstead of taking music lessons to actually learn how to play their instruments, a chick rock group decides to take lysergic acid diethylamide (drugs) to open their minds to new sounds. (Don’t judge them – ’60s L.A. beach hippies The Doors did it, too.) But instead of seeing the dark side of the moon, they see evil space spiders. For druggies, that’s kinda the same thing when you think about it. Unfortunately for everyone involved, rock and roll can’t save them now.

Acid SpidersThe Acid Spiders, a 2011 15-minute film short from Australia (where otherworldly life-forms originate), has these critters spraying space goo on your face, which causes your outer shell to dissolve like powdered Kool-Aid™ in a refreshing pitcher of nitroglycerin. And if you think the idea of space spiders spraying skin-liquifying juice is dumb, remember the Alien was spitting face-melting mouthwash since 1979.

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Acid Spiders

Zombie Grocery Store

Posted in Asian Horror, Zombies with tags , on October 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scary MarketIf your local grocery store doesn’t carry zombies, then you’re shopping at the wrong place. Take China for instance. Their stores not only stock multi-tentacled sea creatures marinated in a mild soy sauce, rat patties and those freakin’ addictive Choco-Sticks™, but aisles upon aisles of the undead.

Scary MarketScary Market, an odd but kinda cool movie title, is about a zombie infestation inside of a supermarket. Pure genius. A supermodel store employee with a machine gun encounters aisles upon aisles of the said undead. She has to re-kill them all and get back to stocking products that’ll fix those “not so fresh feeling” days. And no, your grocery club card will not get you discounts on anything dead alive. You have to go to Costco™ for that.

Scary MarketScary Market, the horror comedy starring hottie Athena Chu, opens in China on October 21, 2011. I don’t know where China is. I thought it was next to the mall, but I couldn’t find it on Google Maps™. Stupid Google Maps™ – they don’t know anything.

The Devil Inside

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror with tags , , on October 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil InsideHaving a cut in the inside of your lower lip, whether it’s in the shape of an upside down cross or not, is painful. So much so, you can’t eat a salt sandwich and wash it down with a nice refreshing glass of sea water without it crazy stinging like mad.

This is what goons me out about the new one-sheet for the January 2012 release of The Devil Inside and that carved mouth skin. Just looking at it makes me wanna give up salt licks and sardines.

The Devil Inside is about some Italian chick who thinks her mom is clinically insane after brutally murdering some associates. What this woman didn’t know was that this all happened under the duress of an exorcism. So like any good daughter, she hires a film crew to document “the truth,” and in the process gets sucked up into a series of unauthorized exorcisms.

Pffft – you don’t have to go to Italy for an unauthorized exorcism. These are done on an almost nightly basis behind most participating 7-Elevens™. And while you’re getting exorcised, be sure and grab one of their tasty Truckstopper™ burritos. You want sodium, this baby is loaded with a week’s worth.

The Devil Inside Me

The Devil Inside should not to be confused with the The Devil Inside Me, a Chinese salt-free horror thriller that came out in July, 2011. I have no idea what it was about. I’ll need to go to 7-Eleven™ and do some research.

Note to 7-Eleven™ – your Slurpees have really gone to Hell in a handbag.

Aliens Battling Los Angeles – Again

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , on October 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien ArmageddonAlien Armageddon is a new direct-to-DVD sci-fi movie (releasing December 6, 2011) that takes aim at Los Angeles once again. (You f’d up hard, L.A. – what did you do to piss off extraterrestrials this time?) Planetary differences aside, Alien Armageddon seems vaguely familiar…

Alien ArmageddonCould it be the movie’s one-sheet borrows liberally from Cowboys and Aliens? Or maybe it’s the tagline: “The Battle For Los Angeles Has Begun,” which steals from Asylum’s Battle For Los Angeles (2011), who they stole from Battle: Los Angeles (2011), which was taken from the Los Angeles Examiner’s story Battle of Los Angeles (February, 1942) of a perceived alien invasion over the City of Angels and subsequent book, Battle of Los Angeles -1942: The Silent Invasion Begins (2003) by Terrenz Sword. (That name sounds so heavy metal alien.)

Alien ArmageddonOr could it be the plot, which has aliens invading Los Angeles with a daytime airstrike that mimics Battle: Los Angeles and humanity fighting back with everything it has (rocks, sticks, pinecones, hip hop)?

Alien ArmageddonThe bigger question might be how does the filmmaker expect us to buy into Alien Armageddon when it’s stuff we’ve already seen twice this year? Sure, some of the actors might have different character names. But is that groovy enough to entice you to shell out your limited pocket coupons for the same ride around the block?

I have some previously-owned gum in my pocket. They can have that.

Alien Armageddon

Godzilla Blue

Posted in Giant Monsters, Godzilla with tags , on October 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GodzillaHe should be called Cowzilla the way Toho Film™ keeps milking him. You’d think that after five decades years they would’ve tun out of ways to make money off Godzilla, but it just ain’t so. Arriving January 24, 2012 – just in time for G’s 54th birthday (November 3, 1954) – comes Godzilla…again…this time on Blu-ray™ DVD.

Not that this pisses me off. I’m pretty much a goon for all things Godzilla. Why? You don’t know me well enough to ask that. But buy me beer, though, and I’ll spill my guts like we’re long lost friends. Criterion Collection™ is re-re-re-re-re-releasing Godzilla in a new high-definition digital restoration with uncompressed monaural soundtrack. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds cool.

There’s lots more cool, too…

• Audio commentary by David Kalat (A Critical History and Filmography of Toho’s Godzilla Series)

• New high-definition digital restoration of Godzilla, King of the Monsters, Terry Morse’s 1956 reworking of the original, starring Raymond Burr.

• Audio commentary for Godzilla, King of the Monsters by Kalat. New interviews with actor Akira Takarada (Hideto Ogata), Godzilla performer Haruo Nakajima, and effects technicians Yoshio Irie and Eizo Kaimai.

• Interview with legendary Godzilla score composer Akira Ifukube

• Featurette detailing Godzilla’s photographic effects

• New interview with Japanese-film critic Tadao Sato

The Unluckiest Dragon, an illustrated audio essay featuring historian Greg Pflugfelder describing the tragic fate of the fishing vessel Daigo fukuryu maru, a real-life event that inspired Godzilla.

• Theatrical trailers

• New and improved English subtitle translation

• A booklet featuring an essay by critic J. Hoberman

There’s even a segment where a drunken Godzilla talks smack about King Kong. OK, not really.

Godzilla

Godzilla/Godzilla, King of the Monsters comes in regular and Blu-ray versions and are priced $31.96 for the one-disc Blu-ray version and $23.96 for the two-disc regular DVD version. Expect a better deal through Amazon.com. They’ll ding you on the shipping, though. And don’t even think about shoplifting ’em as that’s NOT COOL. Best to just buy it and loan it to me so I can burn a copy onto my computer.

The Dinosaur Project

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , on October 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dinosaur ProjectIt’d suck if a dinosaur ate your face. Then again, it’d suck if anything ate your face. But more so with dinosaurs because they have way bigger mouths, and by extension, bigger teeth. Big teeth = big pain.

The Dinosaur ProjectThe “snacks wearing back-packs” in the upcoming movie The Dinosaur Project (sometime in 2012) will have to figure out how to keep their face in place as they encounter an gang of 65 million year-old dinosaurs, from the Megasauranus to the Lickalottapus. And all of them are HUNGRY.

The Dinosaur ProjectUndead Backbrain, first to report about this, got their hands on a generic, but to-the-point description: “The most exciting dinosaur action movie since Jurassic Park!” That only works if Jurassic Park (1993) excited you. The Dinosaur Project, directed by Sid Bennett (Prehistoric Park/TV documentary series, 2006) is filmed Blair Witch style, meaning a lot of shaky camera action. And screaming. The story follows a film crew with shaky cameras in the Congo who step in big piles of dino-trouble.

I would imagine it’s somewhat challenging to hold a camera up to your face when your face has been bitten off.

The Dinosaur Project

Quaking in Fear

Posted in Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on October 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GhostquakeWhen earthquakes occur, the ensuing energy, or “God farts” released from the Earth’s crust causes destructive seismic waves. You can’t really surf on these waves as it’s not really legal. All you can do is scream, pull down your pants and dart wildly out into the street while still screaming, and hope to heck the violent shaking doesn’t knock your limited edition Planet of the Apes Lawgiver statue over and break it.

But what if the earthquake released ghosts or giant spiders? Hey, it could happen. Two such movies – Ghostquake and Arachnoquake – however, purpose these pant-dropping/scream-making scenarios.

There’s more to these movies than their cool titles. Ghostquake happens when an earthquake releases the spirits of a bunch of pissed off ghosts. How do you get rid of them? You don’t.

ArachnoquakeArachnoquake is pretty much self-explanatory. A small town is rock and rolled by an earthquake that releases swarms of albino spiders that look for apartments to rent right next to you.

I have but one question – why has no one thought of this before? Ghostquake and Arachnoquake are in production as we speak. I can only offer this – hurry the hell up.

Sleepwalker 3D – A Killer Night’s Sleep

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , on October 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sleepwalker 3DSleepwalking, also known as somnambulism, is a real condition, wherein the sleeper inexplicably “wakes up” while sleeping (how the heck does that work?), and does awake stuff. The kicker is the sleeper gets up the next day to enjoy a refreshing bowl of breakfast cereal, and doesn’t recall the previous night’s walkathon.

According to Wikipedia™ – the Wellspring of All Truth and Knowledge – sleepwalkers “often have little or no memory of the incident, as they are not truly conscious. Although their eyes are open, their expression is dim and glazed over.” Need some clarification here as that’s how I look in a bar after eight or eleven beers. Wiki™ goes on to state that “sleepwalking may last as little as 30 seconds or as long as 30 minutes.” You can get a lot done in a half hour while sleeping – like murdering someone.

While I don’t recommend that (I’m kind of a prude that way), sleepkilling is the premise of Sleepwalker (in 3D), a Hong Kong horror thriller waking up November 3, 2011. Here’s how it all goes down: “Yi has never imagined a revolving dream haunting her every night would evolve into to a nightmare in real life. Shortly after a dream man enters her gloomy life, Yi, a sleepwalker, is set back again by a past broken relationship and becomes a suspected murderer of her ex-husband. The clearer her dream develops, the more real the accused crime appears to her. Did she really kill when sleepwalking?”

Sleepwalker 3DNot seeing a lot of broken ground here as Freddy Krueger has been making people sleepwalk/die since 1984. But I’ll go on record as saying Yi is guilty as all get out.

Sleepwalker stars Sinje Lee and Bibi Chang Zhou, and was directed by Oxide Pang Chun, co-director of The Eye (2002). While these names sound like someone knocked over a Scrabble™ board, don’t be disrespectful and make fun of them (apparently like me). Bibi Chang could very well be the Bangkockian version of “Debbie” or “Bobby Sue.”

Note: Bibi Chang is a Chinese pop singer whose first studio album, Who Touched My Violin String, was released in August 2006. Her career peaked with 2010’s I, Fish, Light, Mirror and the hit single “Canned Fish.” Both the album and chart-topper were associated with rampant sleepwalking that year as hundreds were reported to get up in the middle of the night to throw their radios out the window.