Vampires In Cages

Fog WarningVampires and leprechauns have a lot in common. Besides sucking the blood out of your neck like it was a free soda dispenser, both are quite hard to catch. In fact, darn near to impossible. Or is it? In the upcoming horror movie Fog Warning, a chick believed to be a vampire is captured. And her captors may not live to regret it.

As first reported by Dread Central, Fog Warning takes place in a New England town (there’s a new England?), a picturesque colonial town known for its postcard scenery, spectacular fall foliage and townsfolk sucked dry of their neck soda. Too far north to be a Chupacabra, so vampire it must be.

Paranoia running high, a local comic book store manager (don’t say the Frog Brothers – this isn’t California) kidnaps a woman whom he believes is in league with Satan. (Pffft – bowling league, maybe.) This nutbag locks her in the attic of a hysterical, uh, historical house and, along with two thug buddies, try and extract a confession out of her using the time-tested means of torture and name-calling. The plan is to videotape her confessing to the sucking, thereby making the guys rich and famous on the talk show circuit. But if you know your vampire mythology, these plans are sure to go south in a bloody way.

Cool. Mostly because bullies need a lesson in humility every now and again. But is Fog Warning original? Maybe a little. Two other “captured vampire” movies come to mind, one being The Insatiable (2007) and the other, Demon Under Glass (2002).

The InsatiableIn The Insatiable, Harry, a lonely dude, witnesses Tatiana, a hot chick vampire, sucking on a homeless person like a blood lollipop. Harry manages to trap her in his basement where he’s built a cage for her to be comfy in. Heck, he even brings her a dead rabbit on a platter with a rose, just so she won’t go hungry. That is so romantic. Harry’s guilt, though, is making his tummy hurt, so he can’t live with that or his unrequited boobie-feeling for the smokin’ hot vampire love prisoner, and offers to be her rabbit. Ick.

Demon Under GlassIn Demon Under Glass, Simon Molinar, a centuries old vampire whose seen more birthday cakes than all of your grandfathers combined, is captured by the government. The idea is to study this charismatic creature of the night, find out his secrets, bottle it, and make millions. Vampires can be packaged and marketed (see Count Chocula™ cereal), but bottled? Never. In a nice twist, one of the doctors studying Simon, has the ability to turn himself into a vampire at will. I wish I could do that. I can only fart on command. (Not always, but more often than not.)

So if you get a wild stake up yer butt and set about to capture a vampire or leprechaun, don’t. Vampires and leprechauns weren’t meant to be caged and need to roam free. Like the wind itself.

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