Hellraiser(s): Pinhead Vs. Pinhead

HellraiserI’ve known of three pinheads in my life: Zippy, the Pinhead (Freaks, 1933), Pinhead (Hellraiser, 1987) and Dr. Joel Cenobite, my near-sighted acupuncturist. Barring any current GOP politician running for president, add one more pin to the cushion: Pinhead, from Hellraiser: Revelations (2011).

What’s that you say? Another Pinhead – a pretender to the Throne? Who would dare step into the shoes of Doug Bradley, the ONLY Pinhead fit to ever walk Hell’s rose garden? That any filmmaker should wave their remake arrogance around like a trouser wang at a frat party by attempting to re-interpret Hellraiser and its iconic figurehead is hubris of hellish proportions.

HellraiserAnd that’s the shameful mess that is Hellraiser: Revelations, the ninth installment of the Hellraiser franchise. Filmed in an insulting three weeks (it should’ve taken 666 days minimum), Revelations is no revelation at all, making a mockery of the original groundbreaking Clive Barker short story, Hellbound Heart (1986) by loading it up with bland sexual deviancy (been there, debauched that), Clearasil™ method actors and the poorest excuse for a Cenobite to ever put chains on the snow tire that is your face.

Don’t take my prejudice for it – Clive Barker himself issued a terse Tweet, proclaiming that “I want to put on record that the flic [sic] out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO F*CKIN’ CHILD OF MINE! I have NOTHING to do with the f*ckin’ thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker, it’s a lie. It’s not even from my butt-hole.”

Yes, he said butt-hole.

PinheadsThe movie’s press release even set themselves up for an epic FAIL: “Two friends discover a puzzle box in Mexico, which opens a gateway to Hell. Before long, dermatological nightmare Pinhead has returned to make the lives of everyone in his way miserable.”

Mission accomplished.

Harry Hellraiser

One Response to “Hellraiser(s): Pinhead Vs. Pinhead”

  1. i MUST see this film

    let me try to explain.. i can only imagine that it’s the same drive associated with being told the body of a family member is at the morgue. i have see it for myself before i will accept that they [along with the francise] are well and truly dead.

    and i have a feeling the horrific images will haunt me every time i shut my eyes.

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