2-Headed Shark Attack

Shark. Bikini. Screaming. Chewing with mouth open. Blood-splooshing. Standard, but a solid business model nonetheless. So what if someone doubled the pleasure and doubled the fun? With 2-Headed Shark Attack, arriving January 2012, they’ve done just that.

A mutated two-headed great white shark goes after two tasty chicks in bikinis – Broadway (or would that be “way broad”?) thespians Carmen Elektra (non-stripper pole birth name: Tara Leigh Patrick) and Brooke Hogan, Amazonian daughter of Olympic god, Hulk Hogan.

A boat carrying a bunch of college students is made Gilligan-esque by the titular two-headed shark. (Score – SharkShark: 1, College dumbasses: 0). Remaining survivors make it to an atoll. (No, it wasn’t Bikini Atoll, although with a mutated shark, that’d make way more sense.) The entertainment factor bubbles to the surface when the atoll floods. Like giving the shark wheels, this turns everyone into screaming pot pies.

Brooke Hogan is on her way to dorsal-finned superstardom, having already appeared in Sand Sharks (2011). Her star vehicle as a shark scientist tickled test tubes the world over. Carmen Elektra, on the doorstep of 40, can still bring the heat. No word on what she does in 2-Headed Shark Attack, but I’m sure it involves easily digested swimwear.

The two-faced shark, though, proposes a whole mouthful of potential. Example: a shark with two mouths will eat twice as much. That means twice as many victims/entrees in the same period of time. (Note: you may not want to be anywhere near it’s back door when the food has thoroughly digested.)

I don’t know why 2-Headed Shark Attack isn’t getting a world-wide big screen release and going straight to DVD. Who the hell is running this country?