Archive for August, 2011

Empress Vampire: Royalty Sucks

Posted in Asian Horror, Vampires with tags , on August 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Empress VampireHuang Hou Xi Xue Gui is a new old-school Asian vampire movie. Due to linguistical challenges pronouncing the Chinese title, the filmmakers conveniently have a U.S. version called Empress Vampire. Now my tongue doesn’t hurt.

The government, as stupid and self-serving as usual, looks to employee the Empress Vampire as a secret agent because of her skill of the kill. Unfortunately, they gotta find her first. Enter an FBI agent to seek and employ. Helping him is a vampire hunter (makes sense) and a psychic (should’ve been first choice).

Empress VampireAll is well until they actually find the blood-sponging queen. As with all vampires, unless you offer them the graveyard shift, it’s hard to get any work outta them. So Empress V hunts the hunters. That is such a fresh plot device, I’m visibly stunned no one’s ever thought of it before. I would have, but I’ve been busy looking at the advance pictures of the Empress taking a bath in entrails while bra-less assistants standing by for the ’ol rinse-lather-repeat.

Empress VampireEven with its original foreign language title, Empress Vampire, filmed in 2009, is scheduled for release in 2011. I think that may be this year. I’ll look it up on Wikipedia™ or ask my know-it-all butt-head neighbor.

Empress VampireThanks to Undead Backbrain for their comprehensive insight on vampire royalty.

Those Damme UFOs

Posted in Aliens, UFOs with tags , on August 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFOMove over movie muscle man/all-purpose ass kicker Chuck Norris – mulleted martial arts expert Jean Claude Van Damme is coming to save our world from space invaders. Yeah, you heard me right, you stink aliens…mess with the bull, you get the horns.

As unlikely as Van Damme battling flying saucers is, it makes perfect sense when you add his hot daughter Bianca Bree (what, Van Damme not a good enough last name for you?) as the star of UFO, the 2012 alien invasion movie, and you have an across the board WINNER.

UFOHere’s how the trouble goes down: a group of young friends get up one morning, no doubt after a night of boozin’ and boobie-gropin’, to find that their cell phones don’t work. (That’s enough for some of ’em to jump off a bridge and end their misery.) But they soon discover their problem is global and not just confined to their shallow lives. Then a city-sized UFO arrives, taking up most of the view, and parks itself over a nearby city. (District 9, cough.)

Panicked questions fly like Twitter™ on crack – Is the UFO here to party or smack us? Will society fold like fresh laundry, thereby allowing the visitors to take over and enslave us and make us do their space dishes ’n stuff? Fear not, Earther…Van Damme will save us all.

Mind you, VD’s only taking a support starring role, thereby allowing his daughter to make some money so he doesn’t have to, like, give her his. Even with limited screen time, expect major alien ass kickage to ensue. Know this: Van Damme doesn’t need special effects – he IS a special effect.

UFO arrives in the UK in 2012. I’m already waiting in line.

The Howling Reborn…Why?

Posted in Werewolves with tags on August 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Howling RebornYou know it’s a sad state of affairs when a werewolf movie becomes pointless. Howling Reborn, the seventh in a franchise that’s made once kick ass werewolves into laughable Planet Halloween™ displays, has the glaring potential to be that film.

What’s even more humorous is the movie’s press release, which boasts that “[The Howling] is one of the most admired horror franchises.” I don’t know what drugs they’ve been gargling, but that statement is not even close to reality. The only thing to admire is the series’ bulls-eye attempts at making comedies.

I can sum up this sequel in two words: cash-in. (Is that two words? It may, in fact, be one. I’d check, but this sandwich I’m eating needs my utmost attention.) Once a “werewolf” was introduced to the Twilight cult, it’s been a race to crank out more teen romance angst using emo teen wolves and other moping creatures of the night.

The Howling RebornAs proof, here’s the synopsis: “High-school loner (i.e., emo douche) Will Kidman finally asks out the girl of his dreams, the reclusive Eliana Wynter. But Will also discovers a dark secret from his past – that he is a member of a werewolf clan. Even worse, he must also fight a pack of werewolves who are hellbent on killing both him and his new girlfriend.”

All you need now is a soundtrack loaded with drippy “my life hurts so much” songs by Dashboard Confessional, Matchbook Romance and Panic! At The Disco. And to really cash-in, have the whole thing sponsored by Nair™.

The Howling RebornThe Howling Reborn, releasing October 18, 2011, is being described as having “a deft mix of romance and action that audiences worldwide are craving.” Hey filmmakers – pull your head out of your full moon and do your homework. What audiences are craving is a werewolf movie that doesn’t suck and/or blow.

Megamouth – Wide Open Horror

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on August 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

MegamouthA good rogue shark movie is hard to make. Despite the benefit of digital technology, which ironically makes sharks look like cartoonish sea turds, horror films featuring the Carcharodon carcharias (that name sounds so made up) are by and large craptacular. The benchmark for shark excellence came in 1975 with that famous man-eating movie. I forget what is was called…something something Jaws. What followed was an assembly line of cheesy cash-ins until the genre washed ashore. And now, for whatever, reason, sharks are a hot topic again, with the latest being Megamouth, releasing spring break of 2012.

Megamouth

I hope they use a real megamouth shark instead of a plastic or computer-generated one. The great white shark in The Reef (2011) was factory-issued and probably ate the actors for real. Too bad the ending sucked jellyfish. And while I haven’t seen the shark in Megamouth, my intense research (surfing the internet in my underwear) reveals that the megamouth shark is a big, dumb guppy with no human-ripping teeth and who looks like a flounder version of Mick Jagger. It’s also a filter feeder, meaning it opens wide and lets food come right on in. (I wish I could do that, with sandwiches and such.) Regardless, not a lot of instilled fear right now.

MegamouthMegamouth’s premise is kinda perplexing as the movie’s one-sheet, while cooler than Heck itself, shows a big splash under a bridge. Was it made by a megamouth shark? Was it the last splash of a jumper upset at the world? Was it the first of many burps from an undersea volcano that will soon erupt and melt all of us into bubbling goo? A megamouth shark is a deep water swimmer. Unless Mouthy’s lost, I don’t know many bridges built in the middle of the ocean.

MegamouthSince modern day megamouth sharks cap out around 15 feet in length, I’m hypothesizin’ that this movie monster is a megalodon, a prehistoric shark whose name means “big tooth” and whose 28 million year old fossils scale out to 52-feet long. If a relative of that thing is under a bridge, then I’m finding an alternate route to the store to buy some Mickey’s Big Mouth™.

I think the filmmakers should have megamouth glow in the dark, have eyes that shoot out swirly beams of some sort, and can exit out of water long enough to pick up a few snacks. Really, it’s the only way to generate valid movie entertainment.

Megamouth

Jurassic Shark(s)

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on August 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jurassic SharkSharks are as popular as zombies these days, with as many oceanic apex predator movies arriving as fast as anyone with a camera can get close-ups of ’em chewing with their mouth open. Jurassic Shark, filming in September, 2011 and coming out 15 minutes later, is next on the food chain, and concerns a group of students and a gaggle of criminals shipwrecked on an island by a giant shark. (Never ask a shark for direction while at sea.) And because an oil company was illegally drilling for sharks there, someone’s gotta pay.

Jurassic SharkJurassic Shark is a popular title. Fans of the genre will no doubt recall another shark movie by the same name, which came out in 2002. It’s been since re-titled as Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. In that one, giant sharks are protesting cable rates by chomping on workers trying to install underwater cable lines. But those sharks eating boats and the screamy inside fillings are but kids – Mom, considerably larger, arrives just in time to make the movie suck even harder.

Jurassic SharkThen there’s the Jurassic Shark picture book (2004) written by Deborah Diffily, with bloodless, G-rated shark attack illustrations done by Karen Carr. Then there’s the Jurassic Shark brand racing apparel (you supply the blood and screaming). The there’s the Jurassic Shark documentaries on the Discovery Channel™. Not a lot of cavemen are shown being eaten by the ancient eaters. Too bad.

Jurassic Shark

I’m gonna make my own movie and call it Jurassic Shark. Why not – everyone else is doing it? I don’t want to be the last kid on my block to do one. if I don’t, I’ll be socially ostracized and develop a complex or something.

Jurassic Shark

Hungarian Boogeymen

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , on August 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SzokiSzoki, a professional graphic design artist, lives in Budapest, Hungary. Never been. Besides doing logo illustrations for Bockoros, Tetobolt and Karacsonyi (Hungarian household products and/or services, duh), Szoki, who is so cool he doesn’t require a last name, has designed a series of American Boogeymen posters. And you’ll fill your pants with Zsennyei Viragmez to own ’em.

SzokiFreddy, Jason and Michael Myers are given Szoki’s modern touch. But he didn’t stop there – he’s also done treatments for The Bride of Frankenstein, Michael Jackson’s Thriller and that creepy Nosferatu Goth dude. While all of this is awesome, I wish Szoki had done a poster of Szépasszony, the Hungarian female demon with long hair and a white dress. She appears and dances in storms and hail, and seduces young men. No part of that sentence sucked.

Szoki

(Note: Szépasszony, aka Szépasszony Pension, is also a travel lodge located in the upper part of Szentegyháza, a small town at the foot of Harghita Mountains in Romania. Comfortable rooms are offered in a friendly atmosphere. They also have a place to park your llama and they have an excellent restaurant, which seats 80. Their sărmăluţe cu mămăligă is to die for. Served daily.)

Goat Face

View more of Szoki’s amazing art by clicking HERE.

Book a room at the Szépasszony Pension by clicking HERE.

 

 

War of the Worlds: Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , on August 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

War of the WorldsSo popular is War of the Worlds, a concept of Earth being attacked by extraterrestrials with super cool machines of destruction, it’s been made and remade into a movie more times than E.T. sticks his finger up Uranus and makes it glow. (His ring prober, not the seventh planet from the sun or your similarly named sitting apparatus.)

War of the Worlds started out as a romance novel written in 1898(!) by H.G. Wells, the father of science fiction and cookie-dusting moustaches. Then it became the first reality show on the radio last October 30, 1938, a reenactment of the story by Orson Wells (no relation, because no one has a relative named “Orson”). So realistic was the “live” account of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey being ground zero for a Martian invasion, it made a billion listeners crap their pants and stab strangers with pitchforks, probably in the eye.

War of the WorldsThen there was the bitch ass cool 1953 War of the Worlds movie in which Martians squirt their disintegrating beams at fleeing citizens, evaporating ’em like waffle iron steam. Then there was the 2005 version with Tom Cruise handsomely running away from the alien disinto-beams. It cost $132 million to make. (The 1953 version cost $2 million.) And to think we could’ve given the aliens all that bus fare to go home and not had our fleeing citizens go up in steam.

War of the WorldsThen came War of the Worlds (2005) and War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave (2008), Asylum Studio’s bottom-sucking versions. Throw in Pendragon’s War of the Worlds (2005), which I didn’t see (and yet I wasted my entire life watching the Asylum versions), and you have the complete invasion told from really cheap to really expensive perspectives.

Almost.

Now comes War of the Worlds: The True Story, done in mockumentary style and sporting some bitch ass cool vintage visuals. Here’s what I unashamedly stole from the movie’s website: “A 1965 film crew captured the memories of the last living survivor of the war between Earth and Mars that took place in 1900. The filmed memoirs, discovered in a vault in 2006, were found, with hours of previously unknown footage of the alien/Earth apocalypse, the actual Martian invaders and their war machines. This is the motion picture presentation of that eyewitness account.”

War of the WorldsI just wet myself. Finally, a new approach to a story, while resonatingly cool, that’s been done into the ground. I bet there’s a lot of screaming, disintegrating beams and aliens that stink. What more could a sci-fi fan want?

War of the Worlds

War of the Worlds: The True Story is on tour throughout summer and well into next year. Click HERE to see if the aliens are coming to your town. (Note: I didn’t see Grover’s Mill, New Jersey on there. Not surprised given how hysterically paranoid their residents tend to be.)

Mummy and Invisible Man: Men of the Cloth

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on August 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The MummyTwo more wall-improvers from Mondo, and classics at that. First up is The Mummy, stunningly illustrated by Martin Ansin, and features Imhotep (job title: ancient Egyptian priest) in both his pre and post Band-Aid™ period. He kinda F’s up when, against the warning label, reads aloud from the Scroll of Thoth (1st printing) in order to find and release the soul of his hot trim, the easily pronounced Princess Ankh-es-en-amon. This ends up with less than sexy results.

The Invisible ManPairing with Martin’s Mummy is The Invisible Man, by artist Kevin Tong. (If Kev wanted to make it totally authentic, he should have illustrated it with invisible ink – heh.) The Invisible Man is in real life Dr. Jack Griffin, whose experiments with Monocane, a serum designed to keep bugs off you at summer camp (ahem), rendered him invisible, and subsequently a raving lunatic. Wouldn’t you go mad, too, if you couldn’t see your teeth to brush ’em?

The men, though, must share the same tailor as both are covered in gauze. Hard to find a tie that goes good with that unconventional yet multi-purpose material.

The Mummy poster is limited to 385 prints, and costs $45.00. (One Egyptian pound is equal to 0.1678 U.S. dollars. I have no idea how to make change for that.) The Invisible Man poster is limited to 285 and not only costs the same, but has the same measurement: 24” x 36”. What are the odds?

Find both posters at Mondotees.com. Find The Mummy in a sarcophagus in the desert. Don’t know where to find The Invisible Man, though because he’s INVISIBLE. Duh.

Jason Voorhees: King of the Kill

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , on August 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jason KillsOf all the movie slasher serial killers currently practicing their trade, Jason Voorhees, the articulate, well-dressed, machete swingin’, life-of-the-party star of the Friday the 13th series, has racked up more body counts than almost all combined. And now, thanks to Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and collaborator/illustrator Mike Faille, we have a visual scorecard.

It’s all here, from neck-breaking and spear-chucking, to assorted impalements and, of course, the vaunted machete eviscerations. (If you put Jason up against native islanders in a coconut splitting contest, he’d totally win.)

And we’re celebrating this why? Because we’re sickos.

Thanks to Bloodydigusting.com for the eye chart. Click HERE to see a larger version.

Gingerclown: Animated Horror

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , on August 10, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gingerclown 3DEven with the paradigm shift from pencils and pens to digital versions of crayons and paint rollers to illustrate cartoons, I haven’t been a fan of animation since the advent of R-rated movies. (Which was just a gateway drug to boobies and waffles.) But with the impending release of Gingerclown 3D, an impending feature-length animated horror movie, I might have to park my reticence and just give into the moment, as I often do with boobies and waffles. Mostly waffles, as boobies are hard to come by.

The title seems cool enough, but the plot seems a bit on the standard side. High school students…the school sports jock bully, a nerd in love with a chick whose the girlfriend of said obnoxious athlete…a haunted amusement park where the bully makes the nerd do an initiation ceremony to be accepted into the group and to possibly win/get to feel up the hot chick of his dreams if he passes the test. And yes, the park holds a “dark secret” – a bunch of monsters who “love to torture innocent human beings while intensively annoying each other.” Sounds like my neighbors.

Tim CurryWhile I could care less about the plot and characters, it’s the monsters and who voices them that has the potential to rock. Gingerclown is voiced by Tim Curry. He has previous experience, playing Pennywise, the demon freak clown in Stephen King’s It (1990). Curry also played Dr. Frank-N-Furter, a hedonistic transvestite in The Rocky Horror Picture Show in 1975. While his job designation was a scientist, or a “Transsexual from Transylvania,” his makeup and fishnet outerwear made him/her look like a clown.

Then there’s Child’s Play Brad Douriff as Worm Creature, Alien’s Lance Henriksen as Braineater, Michael Winslow from Police Academy as Stomachcrumble and the still luscious Sean Young from Blade Runner as Nelly the Spiderwoman.

I’ll watch this movie, but don’t expect it to convert me to my pre-boobies ’n waffles cartoon days. Once you’ve tasted the Dark Side, there’s no going back.

Boobies ’n Waffles