Archive for August, 2011

Behold – Mega Dino Spider

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , on August 22, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega SpiderGiant spider monster movies have been around for decades. No doubt your grandparents used to walk five miles in the snow in bare feet to rent one at the only video store in the county. And because filmmakers have run out of ideas, today’s trend is to recycle all the Golden Age of Giant Spiders, change the title by adding either “mega” or dino”, and letting a first year Art Institute student digitally animate the “monster.” Total cost: $1.55.

Mega SpiderMega Spider – also known as Dino Spider – is in pre-production as of this writing (photocopying old scripts, spending two hours designing the spider on the computer), and should be ready to hatch sometime before the end of the year…or early next year if we’re lucky.

Here’s the plot, which I’m pretty sure took only three minutes to write: “Surviving extermination by nuclear eradication, a horrible alien mutation in arachnid form is now growing at an exponential rate and making its way toward downtown Los Angeles.Mega SpiderHot on its spindly heels is a crack military unit with absolute authority, lead by an obsessively driven commander and his beautiful but lethal sidekick. Unfortunately for them, this mutant spider has an array of deadly defenses including the ability to virtually disappear through camouflage.

Mega SpiderBut the creature’s real adversary quickly turns out to be a hot-shot local exterminator armed only with cocky attitude, some fast one-liners and his home-made gadgets. Joining forces with the military team, this blue-collar hero sets out to exterminate what has now become a monstrous 10-story tall MEGA SPIDER.”

Mega SpidersNo one better wake me from my beauty sleep when Mega Spider comes out. I’m cranky until I have my first cup of mega coffee.

Dino Wolf. You Heard Me.

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , on August 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dino WolfEver wondered what would happen if a dinosaur knocked up your dog? You’d need a way bigger leash for one thing. You’d probably need a bigger pooper scooper, too. So what would you call this new household hybrid? Dino Wolf, of course! And you could even make a movie about him and… Dang, it’s already been done. Dino Wolf, a love story about a prehistoric werewolf who rips your chest open to get the toy surprise inside, comes out on DVD October, 18, 2011.

Dino Wolf isn’t related to Dinoshark, but is yet another cheeseball attempt at mashing up opposing species for fast turnaround profits and bling. I’m not immune to getting rich quick, so I create my own prehistoric monster: Frogasaurus. It’s about a Jurassic period tree frog who survived the Ice Age by taking refuge in an abandoned, yet still functioning nuclear power plant. Feeding on discarded isotopes for a few million years, Frogasaurus grows to the size of a store or something and goes on a hip hop rampage when he can’t find enough houseflies to eat. OK, so I haven’t quite worked out the bugs, but you get the idea.

Dino WolfAs for Dino Wolf (formerly known as Dire Wolf, which was just retarded), occurs when human DNA is mixed with scrapings from the prehistoric Dire Wolf skeleton. The results? A werewolf hybrid that looks like a he’s better rubber suited singing for a heavy metal band than ripping people’s chests open.

I could buy in to both. Hey, I’m easily amused.

Monsterpalooza

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on August 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

MonsterpaloozaThere’s a new monster in town. And you’re not gonna believe this – it’s a magazine about…MONSTERS. Sheer craziness, I tell you. Not because of the monsters, but the fact that Monsterpalooza is a quarterly color cover magazine, nearly 100 pages, no less. Want more lunacy? There are no ads. The publishers must be wizards or in league with a Dark Lord something.

An undertaking like this in the Digital Age where everyone assimilates and downloads information as quickly and easily as flushing after a high-fiber breakfast is challenging to say the least. But even if they only last a few issues, the plethora (sorry – word of the day calendar) of unique photos, art and prose should make Monsterpalooza a coveted piece of horrordom, despite the magazine’s painfully cheesy title, which is also the name of their long-running horror convention events. In the industry this called “branding.”

Monsterpalooza

Here’s what the $9.95 September debut issue gets you: Frankenstein and Dracula at 80 (I hope it’s Frankenstein’s monster and not Frankenstein himself, as anyone without bolts in their neck is boring), The Fine Art of Vincent Price (Vinny P – whooo!), The John Chambers interview, the guy who did the make-up for the original Planet of the Apes/1968 (that was make-up?!?), the 2011 Handy Halloween Horror Handbook (I hope I’m in there), and a whole bunch of other stuff I’m too hungover to include without rampant typos.

You can get Monsterpalooza via an “add to cart” dealie with PayPal™ (also a dumb name), by clicking HERE. Or you can old school it and send a check or money order (what the hell are those?) to: Damfino Media, Monsterpalooza Magazine, P.O. Box 19428, Baltimore, Maryland, 21206. Or you can send me the money so I can buy one, and then I’ll e-mail you the highlights.

Empress Vampire: Royalty Sucks

Posted in Asian Horror, Vampires with tags , on August 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Empress VampireHuang Hou Xi Xue Gui is a new old-school Asian vampire movie. Due to linguistical challenges pronouncing the Chinese title, the filmmakers conveniently have a U.S. version called Empress Vampire. Now my tongue doesn’t hurt.

The government, as stupid and self-serving as usual, looks to employee the Empress Vampire as a secret agent because of her skill of the kill. Unfortunately, they gotta find her first. Enter an FBI agent to seek and employ. Helping him is a vampire hunter (makes sense) and a psychic (should’ve been first choice).

Empress VampireAll is well until they actually find the blood-sponging queen. As with all vampires, unless you offer them the graveyard shift, it’s hard to get any work outta them. So Empress V hunts the hunters. That is such a fresh plot device, I’m visibly stunned no one’s ever thought of it before. I would have, but I’ve been busy looking at the advance pictures of the Empress taking a bath in entrails while bra-less assistants standing by for the ’ol rinse-lather-repeat.

Empress VampireEven with its original foreign language title, Empress Vampire, filmed in 2009, is scheduled for release in 2011. I think that may be this year. I’ll look it up on Wikipedia™ or ask my know-it-all butt-head neighbor.

Empress VampireThanks to Undead Backbrain for their comprehensive insight on vampire royalty.

Those Damme UFOs

Posted in Aliens, UFOs with tags , on August 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFOMove over movie muscle man/all-purpose ass kicker Chuck Norris – mulleted martial arts expert Jean Claude Van Damme is coming to save our world from space invaders. Yeah, you heard me right, you stink aliens…mess with the bull, you get the horns.

As unlikely as Van Damme battling flying saucers is, it makes perfect sense when you add his hot daughter Bianca Bree (what, Van Damme not a good enough last name for you?) as the star of UFO, the 2012 alien invasion movie, and you have an across the board WINNER.

UFOHere’s how the trouble goes down: a group of young friends get up one morning, no doubt after a night of boozin’ and boobie-gropin’, to find that their cell phones don’t work. (That’s enough for some of ’em to jump off a bridge and end their misery.) But they soon discover their problem is global and not just confined to their shallow lives. Then a city-sized UFO arrives, taking up most of the view, and parks itself over a nearby city. (District 9, cough.)

Panicked questions fly like Twitter™ on crack – Is the UFO here to party or smack us? Will society fold like fresh laundry, thereby allowing the visitors to take over and enslave us and make us do their space dishes ’n stuff? Fear not, Earther…Van Damme will save us all.

Mind you, VD’s only taking a support starring role, thereby allowing his daughter to make some money so he doesn’t have to, like, give her his. Even with limited screen time, expect major alien ass kickage to ensue. Know this: Van Damme doesn’t need special effects – he IS a special effect.

UFO arrives in the UK in 2012. I’m already waiting in line.

The Howling Reborn…Why?

Posted in Werewolves with tags on August 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Howling RebornYou know it’s a sad state of affairs when a werewolf movie becomes pointless. Howling Reborn, the seventh in a franchise that’s made once kick ass werewolves into laughable Planet Halloween™ displays, has the glaring potential to be that film.

What’s even more humorous is the movie’s press release, which boasts that “[The Howling] is one of the most admired horror franchises.” I don’t know what drugs they’ve been gargling, but that statement is not even close to reality. The only thing to admire is the series’ bulls-eye attempts at making comedies.

I can sum up this sequel in two words: cash-in. (Is that two words? It may, in fact, be one. I’d check, but this sandwich I’m eating needs my utmost attention.) Once a “werewolf” was introduced to the Twilight cult, it’s been a race to crank out more teen romance angst using emo teen wolves and other moping creatures of the night.

The Howling RebornAs proof, here’s the synopsis: “High-school loner (i.e., emo douche) Will Kidman finally asks out the girl of his dreams, the reclusive Eliana Wynter. But Will also discovers a dark secret from his past – that he is a member of a werewolf clan. Even worse, he must also fight a pack of werewolves who are hellbent on killing both him and his new girlfriend.”

All you need now is a soundtrack loaded with drippy “my life hurts so much” songs by Dashboard Confessional, Matchbook Romance and Panic! At The Disco. And to really cash-in, have the whole thing sponsored by Nair™.

The Howling RebornThe Howling Reborn, releasing October 18, 2011, is being described as having “a deft mix of romance and action that audiences worldwide are craving.” Hey filmmakers – pull your head out of your full moon and do your homework. What audiences are craving is a werewolf movie that doesn’t suck and/or blow.

Megamouth – Wide Open Horror

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on August 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

MegamouthA good rogue shark movie is hard to make. Despite the benefit of digital technology, which ironically makes sharks look like cartoonish sea turds, horror films featuring the Carcharodon carcharias (that name sounds so made up) are by and large craptacular. The benchmark for shark excellence came in 1975 with that famous man-eating movie. I forget what is was called…something something Jaws. What followed was an assembly line of cheesy cash-ins until the genre washed ashore. And now, for whatever, reason, sharks are a hot topic again, with the latest being Megamouth, releasing spring break of 2012.

Megamouth

I hope they use a real megamouth shark instead of a plastic or computer-generated one. The great white shark in The Reef (2011) was factory-issued and probably ate the actors for real. Too bad the ending sucked jellyfish. And while I haven’t seen the shark in Megamouth, my intense research (surfing the internet in my underwear) reveals that the megamouth shark is a big, dumb guppy with no human-ripping teeth and who looks like a flounder version of Mick Jagger. It’s also a filter feeder, meaning it opens wide and lets food come right on in. (I wish I could do that, with sandwiches and such.) Regardless, not a lot of instilled fear right now.

MegamouthMegamouth’s premise is kinda perplexing as the movie’s one-sheet, while cooler than Heck itself, shows a big splash under a bridge. Was it made by a megamouth shark? Was it the last splash of a jumper upset at the world? Was it the first of many burps from an undersea volcano that will soon erupt and melt all of us into bubbling goo? A megamouth shark is a deep water swimmer. Unless Mouthy’s lost, I don’t know many bridges built in the middle of the ocean.

MegamouthSince modern day megamouth sharks cap out around 15 feet in length, I’m hypothesizin’ that this movie monster is a megalodon, a prehistoric shark whose name means “big tooth” and whose 28 million year old fossils scale out to 52-feet long. If a relative of that thing is under a bridge, then I’m finding an alternate route to the store to buy some Mickey’s Big Mouth™.

I think the filmmakers should have megamouth glow in the dark, have eyes that shoot out swirly beams of some sort, and can exit out of water long enough to pick up a few snacks. Really, it’s the only way to generate valid movie entertainment.

Megamouth