Behold – Mega Dino Spider

Giant spider monster movies have been around for decades. No doubt your grandparents used to walk five miles in the snow in bare feet to rent one at the only video store in the county. And because filmmakers have run out of ideas, today’s trend is to recycle all the Golden Age of Giant Spiders, change the title by adding either “mega” or dino”, and letting a first year Art Institute student digitally animate the “monster.” Total cost: $1.55.

Mega Spider – also known as Dino Spider – is in pre-production as of this writing (photocopying old scripts, spending two hours designing the spider on the computer), and should be ready to hatch sometime before the end of the year…or early next year if we’re lucky.

Here’s the plot, which I’m pretty sure took only three minutes to write: “Surviving extermination by nuclear eradication, a horrible alien mutation in arachnid form is now growing at an exponential rate and making its way toward downtown Los Angeles.Hot on its spindly heels is a crack military unit with absolute authority, lead by an obsessively driven commander and his beautiful but lethal sidekick. Unfortunately for them, this mutant spider has an array of deadly defenses including the ability to virtually disappear through camouflage.

But the creature’s real adversary quickly turns out to be a hot-shot local exterminator armed only with cocky attitude, some fast one-liners and his home-made gadgets. Joining forces with the military team, this blue-collar hero sets out to exterminate what has now become a monstrous 10-story tall MEGA SPIDER.”

No one better wake me from my beauty sleep when Mega Spider comes out. I’m cranky until I have my first cup of mega coffee.