Empress Vampire: Royalty Sucks

Empress VampireHuang Hou Xi Xue Gui is a new old-school Asian vampire movie. Due to linguistical challenges pronouncing the Chinese title, the filmmakers conveniently have a U.S. version called Empress Vampire. Now my tongue doesn’t hurt.

The government, as stupid and self-serving as usual, looks to employee the Empress Vampire as a secret agent because of her skill of the kill. Unfortunately, they gotta find her first. Enter an FBI agent to seek and employ. Helping him is a vampire hunter (makes sense) and a psychic (should’ve been first choice).

Empress VampireAll is well until they actually find the blood-sponging queen. As with all vampires, unless you offer them the graveyard shift, it’s hard to get any work outta them. So Empress V hunts the hunters. That is such a fresh plot device, I’m visibly stunned no one’s ever thought of it before. I would have, but I’ve been busy looking at the advance pictures of the Empress taking a bath in entrails while bra-less assistants standing by for the ’ol rinse-lather-repeat.

Empress VampireEven with its original foreign language title, Empress Vampire, filmed in 2009, is scheduled for release in 2011. I think that may be this year. I’ll look it up on Wikipedia™ or ask my know-it-all butt-head neighbor.

Empress VampireThanks to Undead Backbrain for their comprehensive insight on vampire royalty.

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