Archive for July, 2011

Hotel Werewolf

Posted in Werewolves with tags on July 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

hallow PointeKinda sucks when you and your girlfriend go out in the woods to spice up your love life using pinecones, sticker bushes and stink beetles as marital aides, only to be interrupted by a werewolf. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to my neighbor. (And by interrupting werewolf, I mean me.)

Hallow Pointe, an incoming 2011 horror movie about love and lycanthropy, promises liberal doses of both. I could do without the romance crap, but if they throw in a few more stink beetles, I’d be open to being more open-minded.

Staying at a bed and breakfast (like a hotel, except no pool or lobby bar), Henry and Jane, bored with rubbing each other’s ankles, think that Madeline’s Closet, located way out in the woods loaded with free-range stink beetles, might be just the snuggle-inducing weekend getaway needed to put the wow back in their trou’. But when the sun goes down like Jane used to do to Henry, they’re in for a fuzzy hell ride when a werewolf shows up to check-in. Now Henry and Jane have to team up with the other guests to keep the beast from eating all their faces off and farting in the general direction of the moon.

Hallow PointeCool, but there’s too many unanswered questions. Does the bed and breakfast offer any kind of refund in the event of a werewolf attack? Does a werewolf lurking in the woods nearby affect the hotel’s AAA diamond rating? Is a marauding werewolf considered an amenity? Do stays during a full moon carry a premium? Do you leave a tip when you check out, or just the tip of a body part? Are there group rates for face-eating?

I tried getting answers from Expedia.com’s™ customer help line and they kept hanging up. Butt-holes. I’ll try Travelocity™ and get back to you.

Hallow Pointe

Nurse 3D Will See You Now

Posted in Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , on July 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Nurse 3DYou’re having a “not-so-fresh feeling” day. You have to go to the emergency room because you “accidentally” sat on a G.I. Joe doll™ covered in Crisco™ after you got out of the shower and as yet hadn’t put your pants on. And the action figure got jammed so far up there it’s gonna take a team of surgeons to extract it. (Now you know why they wear masks – so you can’t see them cracking up.)

Normally you’d expect compassionate and skilled medical attention and cross your fingers they don’t tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, long lost acquaintances, the mailman, Facebook™… But what if the attending nurse was Abbey Russell (played by Paz de la Huerta), a dedicated caregiver/supermodel, who had an even darker side than you, one that singles out and punishes dishonest men who may or may not have a heavily-trademarked and formerly collectible toy stuck in their outgoing mail chute?

That’s the premise of Nurse 3D, in the planning phase as we speak, a horror movie that “explores the intersection of caretaking and punishment.” The press release further describes Nurse 3D as a “film noir depiction of a beautiful nurse who uses her sexuality to very severe ends,” and that “this concept is the perfect germ for this thrilling story, which will be extremely visceral in 3D.”

When you think about it, embarrassing sitting accidents involving plastic dolls with kung-fu grips, aptly named shamPOO bottles or someone’s misplaced fist really does lend itself to the 3D environment. I, for one, am looking forward to this exploratory film. And when I get to the theatre to see it, you can bet your ass I’ll make sure there isn’t a heavily-lubed water bottle on the seat before I ease myself down.

I have so many more jokes, I feel like my head is gonna explode.

Ghost Bacon

Posted in Ghosts with tags on July 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The BeaconFirst it was called Haunting at the Beacon (2010). Now they’re calling it The Beacon. Neither is particularly compelling. Heck, if they really wanted to get my attention, they should just call it Haunted Bacon, which, in a slightly altered state, was what I thought it was originally titled. I like bacon. Lots, unfortunately.

The BeaconThe Beacon, releasing on DVD September 13, 2011, is in reference to The Beacon apartment building, where a grieving father and mother who lost their four year-old son in a tragic breakfast accident involving haunted bacon (sorry) have moved and are trying to rebuild their lives. That’s gonna be challenging as the place is the scene of visitations by a ghost boy who died in the building a while ago. Unable to confirm if bacon was somehow involved.

The BeaconBryn, the hot mom, played by Teri Polo, is convinced that helping this ghost boy out will get her in touch with her own dead son. That’s not how ghost stuff works. But hey, if it’ll ease your pain…

Teri PoloTeri also played a hot chick in The Hole (2009). There’s a joke in there somewhere. Teri’s also known for her work in She Won’t Answer My E-mails, I Know She’s Home, Why Won’t She Pick Up?, Look Who’s Stalking and Restraining Order. Having a bacon/Teri fixation is not as rewarding as one would think.

Conspiracy of the Planet of the Apes

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , on July 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Conspiracy of the Planet of the ApesOn the eve of the latest movie in the Planet of the Apes franchise comes a graphic novel titled Conspiracy of the Planet of the Apes. What are the odds that a new Ape product arrives just as Rise of the Planet of the Apes is ready to blow the bananas off the big screen? Man, those guys are lucky. They should go buy a Lotto™ ticket.

Conspiracy of the Planet of the ApesConspiracy of the Planet of the Apes, created by Archaia Entertainment (I have as yet not had the pleasure to meet them), arrives July 25, 2011 and recounts what happened between the scenes of the classic 1968 Twentieth Century Fox film (I believe that one was called simply The Planet of the Apes), and centers on the astronaut John Landon, chimpanzee scientists Dr. Milo and Dr. Galen, and gorilla Security Chief Marcus.

Conspiracy of the Planet of the Apes

Thoughts: Landon never had a chance to do any full-range emoting under the circus tent ego of Taylor, his “sucks up all the air in the room” fellow astronaut. Looking forward to him bringing the heat. Dr. Milo – smart Hominoidea. He figured out how to haul a spaceship out of the middle of a lake in the Forbidden Zone, fix it, and fly back into Earth’s past using only coconuts, papaya and flea powder. Clearly, the Stephen Hawking of his generation.

Dr. Galen, surgical assistant to Dr. Zira. Does not like humans because they STINK. I already like this guy. Gorilla Security Chief Marcus: A primate of few words, but a monkeyman of action. He delivers the baton beat down with surprising enthusiasm. I’d party with him if he didn’t hate humans so much. Can you imagine the trouble we’d get into? Get outta here.

No word on whether or not Dr. Zaius is going to be involved. But you just know he’s gonna come outta nowhere to f*ck with everyone’s minds.

All Roads Lead to the Forbidden ZoneConspiracy of the Planet of the Apes contains 30 full-color paintings and another 19 black and white illustrations, including a cover by legendary artist Jim Steranko (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and interior art from some of the top talent in the industry. I don’t know what industry they’re talking about. I’d say the fast food industry, but that might be insulting to one or more of  ’em.

I’m bummed I’m not in the new Apes movie, but maybe there’s enough time for Archaia Entertainment to put my name in the special thanks section of their book. That’d be pretty sweet.

Chimpin' Ain't Easy

The 25th Reich: Time Traveling Soldiers

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on July 10, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The 25th ReichFive men. Twenty-five dimensions. One reality.

How could this one miss? A count ’em on one hand troop of American soldiers in 1943 get sucked into the past (ooh, that didn’t come out right) about 50,000 years to bring back an alien spaceship that they hope will help the Allies win the war against Hitler, that dick.

Coming soon, The 25th Reich, sounds like The Time Tunnel meets my every fantasy (except the “me being held captive in a high school girl locker room” one). FYI: The 25th Reich is based on the novel 50,000 Years Until Tomorrow by J.J. Solomon. As groovy as this is, I can’t be in this movie no matter how much they beg me. Fifty-thousand years until tomorrow doesn’t work as I have to be at the mall on Tuesday to hang out ’n stuff. Had it on my day planner since last week.

The 25th Reich has all this other stuff going for it: duplicitous (their word not mine – I would’ve said two-faced butt face liars) Nazi robots, bloodthirsty mega-fauna (vampire plants), wild plot twists, double entendre dialogue, “outrageous tongue-in-cheek humor,” and the aforementioned time travel.

I wish I could travel through time. Then I could hang out at the mall more often. Hey, it’s important.

Fantôme is French For Ghost

Posted in Ghosts with tags on July 9, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Behind The WallsIt’s the old formula of “writer secludes him/herself in a remote cabin/stately manor to complete a novel, meets a ghost and has to solve the mystery of the ghost before the ghost eats his/her face clean off.”

The breathtakingly titled Behind The Walls 3D, a just released French horror mystery, treads where many others have gone without wiping their feet before. After watching the trailer I immediately bought Rosetta Stone™, the language teaching software, to learn how to yawn in French. (FYI – it’s “bâillement.”)

Behind The WallsHere’s the reason for my gushing excitement: in 1922, Suzanne (played by famed French model Laetitia Casta), sequesters herself in a countryside estate to write a new book about croissants and red wine pairings. Looking for inspiration, she discovers a sealed secret room in the basement. Looks like it needed to be vacuumed. Shortly after, she starts writing weirdo stuff and thus begins the “hallucinations and nightmares” segment.

While this is going on, the ghost of a little girl keeps popping in and out. This coincides with the disappearance of several little girls from around the village, which is what French people call towns with dirt roads.

Behind The WallsUnless the ghost girl feasts on the brains of the living, I’m not seeing a whole lot to convince me to see it. Sure, Laetitia is easy on the eyes, but so is any girl in a bar after last call. (Oops – I mean “le taverne.”)

Even though it has sub-titles, maybe I’ll give it a chance. But if they go more than 15 minutes between brain/face eatings, I’ll be forced to give France my ultimate frowny face, the one I always invoke after eating stale croissants and washing ’em down with twist-top bottles of Nuits Saint Georges, a robust and elegant red wine from the South of Dijon. Its bouquet is intense and fragrant.

Hot Chupacabra Nights

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , on July 8, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the ChupacabrasOf all the things to suck on you’d think a stinky barnyard goat would be towards the bottom of the list, right around a turd lollipop and a milkshake straw laying on the ground next to an alternative lifestyle YMCA dumpster. And yet one creature of the night makes goats top of  the “gotta suck it” list.

Talking of course about the Chupacabra, whose very name translated means “sucker of goats.” It’s a good thing this monster who drains farm animals of their interior juices does most of its handiwork in Mexico, Brazil and Puerto Rico. If that thing was inhaling American goats, you can bet Congress would impose a Suck Tax on it.

The reason I bring this up is that Fangoria reports that Night of the Chupacabras, a new movie featuring with the legendary licker, is finally being premiered this month at Brazil’s FantasPoa, the International Fantastic Film Festival of Porto Alegre (Disclaimer: I reported on it first back in January 11, 2011. In your face, Fangoria!)

According to the movie’s press release, The Night of the Chupacabras is “a splatter movie, like ’80s films, but with Brazilian cultural characteristics.” I can only interpret that to mean when Chupie sticks his pointy tongue in your throat, instead of yelling “Dang it, Chupacabra – quit doing that!”, you’d hear “Dang él, Chupacabra – parado el hacer de eso!” And the person being sucked would be wearing a stylish tarp hat and colorful festival shirt. Depending on how vicious the attack, you also might hear the frantic shaking of maracas in the background, sounding like a rattle being shook by a baby all hopped up on Gerbers™ and Red Bull™.

The above Chupacabra looks kinda cool, so if and when it makes its way on DVD here, I’ll rent it, watch it and return it late. If you watch it, keep the hat, festival shirt and maracas. Those things are flippin’ cool and, if implemented properly, should keep any imported Chupacabras from sucking on you. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Hey, I’m not here to judge.

A goat

Horror in The Wood ‘Hood

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , on July 7, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blackpool IncidentIn the winter of 1601 five people followed the light into the Blackpool woods. In the winter of 1887 they came back out.

According to my calculator/waffle iron, that’s 286 years later, a long time to be out dinkin’ around in the woods. But I have theories as to what these people were doing all those years in The Blackpool Incident, a new creepo/suspenseful horror movie coming out in October, 2011. And it has nothing to do with picking berries.

1. The people were on their way to Spring Break to be eaten by 3D piranhas but got lost. It took that long for GPS to be invented so they could find their way out.

2. The light was really an open sign for the Blackpool Incident Tavern, which is open 24 hours a day, so…

3. It was a bear with a flashlight. Once inside the woods, the bear ate ’em, then hibernated for 286 years, and then upon waking up and seeing it was still winter, used the consumed people’s skin for warmth and gave the rest to his friends. Then they went outside and had a snowball fight and drank Coca-Cola™.

4. It wasn’t the same people who came back out. It was another group of people on the other side of the woods that got lost, too, and came out on this side.

5. They were picking berries.

Dead & Breakfast: Horror Cereal

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on July 6, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cereal KillersA good reason to not to surf the net while augmented by the fortifying properties of booze – what appeared to be horror movie cereal actually turned out to be horror movie cereal trading cards. Well, crap. Can’t eat cards. Not unless they were made out of silk-screened graham crackers or really stiff Jell-O™. So in my munchie-maddened mind, I ordered this cards without reading the fine print, which is hard to do after multiple sips of Old Reliable.

Cereal KillersSo now I’m the red-faced owner of two sets of Cereal Killer Trading Cards™, written and illustrated by Garbage Pail Kids™ artist Joe Simko. (Get ’em at wax-eye.com.) And don’t ask why I would spend $24.95 for what I thought was a box of three. (You read the first paragraph, right? I’m just glad I didn’t shell out for the $224.55 case of 10.)

Cereal KillersFaux cereal boxes based on horror movies, I got Halloweeties™, Exorcrisp™ and Children of the Corn Flakes™ (that’s pretty dang funny). There’s also mash-ups featuring Count Shockula™ (riffing on Count Chocula™, which was a spoof itself back in 1971), Clockwork Porridge™ (guess) and Honey Chrome™ (Terminator), which tastes a little metallic (heh).

The spoof combining of horror and breakfast food isn’t new, with lots of flavors being modified with blood and body bits for some time now…

Cereal KillersThen there was the early ’80 goof punk group Green Jelly (formerly Green Jell-O™, but got their latex sued off by the makers of wholesome Jell-O™), who reinvented themselves as the world’s first video-only band and released an album called Cereal Killer in 1991. (For completists, KISSGene Simmons and Paul Stanley appeared on a GJ video and there is an unreleased single featuring a duet with pro wrestling deity, Hulk Hogan.)

Green JellyAs cool as this is, all I really wanted a snack. But every time life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. So I’m off to create my own line of breakfast cereal: first up, Beerios™.

Shine On You Crazy Shrine

Posted in Evil with tags on July 4, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The ShrineCults tend to fall into two categories – those who want you to give them all your worldly possessions, cash and internet porn login passwords, and those that want to prison rape your soul. The Shrine, which is about a cult that is in league with some sort of evil and makes it to VOD any second now, is of the soul rape variety. Good. I didn’t wanna give up my precious porn login passwords. Those things have been my salvation on more than one occasion.

The ShrineThe Shrine follows several young journalists who track a missing American backpacker to a Polish village so remote and cut off from the rest of the world, growing vegetables is considered futuristic technology. And because there are no nearby bars or 7-Elevens™, the locals are understandable hostile. They take the journalists hostage and use them for a ritualistic human sacrifice. That’s messed up sideways because it involves the wearing of an iron mask that transforms you into a demonic journalist with gunk leaking out of your primary orifices. Ick.

The ShrineYou can find out more about the evil village on those travel websites. I looked it up on Expedia.com™ and all the customer comments said stuff like “The rooms were clean, but everything was bathed in darkness,” “You’ll die a thousand and one deaths during your stay” and that the town is “nothing fancy and a bit far from the main drag of the strip, but for the price you can’t beat it.” Overall, 2.5 stars out of 5, though due mostly to lack of amenities and that the food court “is disgusting.”

The Shrine