Apocalpyse Now

Phase 7The Apocalypse has been predicted and theorized so much, it’s hard to choose which doomsday nutbag to follow. I came up with my own end of the world scenario (death-dealing robots), but I can’t seem to attract any believers who will give me $19.95 to become one of the saved. Fine, if less than $20 bucks means that much to you, go to Hell and have your soul eaten and crapped out in a sea of burning lava.

Phase 7, which comes out in select theaters/theatres on July 13th, is one such apocalyptic movie, which “mixes satire, humor, horror and social commentary in a way that reminds viewers of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and the savvy claustrophobia of [REC](2007).” So apparently no death-dealing robots. Hey, I tried to warn ’em.

In the movie some guy and his “ready to pop at any time” pregnant wife move into a new apartment in a building whose neighbors are gooning out. They soon find out the entire place is being quarantined by guys in haz-mat suits because of some pandemic. (I’m thinkin’ radioactive exhaust from death-dealing robots and…sorry). Now everybody has to defend his/her refrigerator. To make matters worse, the world outside is disappearing. Bummer for all involved.

Phase IVIn 1974 there was another apocalyptic event called Phase IV, which unleashed rapidly evolving ants on a bug-phobic public. The ants, as it turns out, were given a cosmic boost and boast a hive-collective thought process and are colonizing all over the sidewalk. Scientists put on the lab coats and go to war against these insects of doom. How does it end? All hail ants.

Maybe there’s room for Phase 8 and my prediction of robots ending our way of life. Even though they’ll kill us all, my robots are way nicer than those a**hole Terminator cyborgs. Those guys are just plain dicks.

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