Archive for June, 2011

Killer Clowns From Inner Space

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on June 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last CircusI’ve always wondered what made grown men want to be circus clowns. Granted, that happens in every bar right around closing time. But to actually paint your face, snap on a rubber nose and wear hippie-colored pajamas in public, makes you wonder what kind of drugs they’re snorting and where one might possibly get some.

The Last Circus, a new Spanish horror movie, features two such man-clowns. Set in 1937 during the bloody Spanish civil war, one clown is “forcibly recruited” to join the militia. So impatient were they to kill their own countrymen, they didn’t even wait to get him some proper army clothes, and had him march into war with a machete and his circus costume and make-up. The clown ends up being quite good at this war thing and single-handedly slaughters an entire platoon. Hey, if you’re gonna go on a killing spree, you might as well have fun.

The Last CircusThirty-seven years later, Javier, the son of Happy, the Murdering Clown, picks up his old man’s honky horn and looks to carry on the family tradition. But he’s not happy enough to be a clown, so he has to be a Sad Clown. And Sergio, that big bully Happy Clown, humiliates Javier every freakin’ day. I need to interject here – clowns should stick together, man. For one clown to bully another is just plain wrong.

The Last CircusAnd there can’t be real horror drama unless you introduce a chick to the story. Enter the high-flying acrobatress Natalia, who loves Sad Clown, but is currently using her bed as a trampoline with the Mean Clown, with whom she happens to be married. I smell circus trouble. There’s always room for jealous.

The movie’s website describes this War of the Clowns as being “a ferocious battle between Sad Clown and Happy Clown, escalating to unbelievable heights in this absurd, shocking, irreverent and unforgettable film.”

The Last Circus will no doubt scar me forever and make me not ever want to go to a circus again. I will, however, attend nightly clown performances at any bar around closing time.

The Witches of Oz

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , on June 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witches of OzThe Wicked Witch of the West scared the oatmeal outta me when I first saw the slasher horror movie The Wizard of Oz (1939) as a kid. There is truth to what I say. Mind you, those flying monkeys who were the witch’s minions still to this day goon me out. (Can you imagine having your face eaten off by one of those poop-flinging mutants?) But ultimately it was the witch who made my bladder splatter.

So now comes The Witches of Oz, a new slasher/fantasy that draws from the original Oz legacy, to freak me out all over again. Bring it. Having been a functioning alcoholic my entire adult life, I have seen horrors far worse than old hags on brooms who melt when you pee on them and monkeys that fly and eat your face off.

The Witches of OzThe Witches of Oz is less a theatre movie than a mini series made for TV. Right there the suckage factor goes up. It’s already being shown in the U.K. in July, but will air in the U.S. in late fall of 2011. It’ll probably turn up on the SyFy Channel™, which will complete the sucking process.

From the film’s website: “Dorothy Gale, now a successful author, has moved to New York and finds that her books are based on suppressed childhood memories and that her experiences in Oz were real. Dorothy must find the strength to battle the Wicked Witch of the West when she shows up in Times Square.”

I bet the Wicked Witch is a hooker.

But Dorothy isn’t alone in her tampon-testing journey. Fighting the good fight alongside her is Harry Potter, himself no stranger to magic, wizardry and flying mutants. In fact, Harry is the Dorothy of his generation and the supreme evil wizard Valdemort (no doubt a Republican), a nice upgrade to the Wicked Witch.

But both Dorothy and Harry needn’t freak out too much. Despite their differences with their dark sides, things have a way of working out…

Luke ’n Darth

Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on June 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, arriving on DVD June 21, 2011, whenever the hell that is, is a “two-for-one” mash-up. You not only get a gigantic snake going up against a gatoroid (whatever the hell that is), but a battle royale between ’80s pop princesses Debbie Gibson and Tiffany (she’s so hot she doesn’t require a last name). This paves the way for Mega Puss vs. Colossal Clam (a giant octopus taking on a giant mollusk), and a street brawl match between Donny “Death Dealer” Osmond and Shaun “Of The Dead” Cassidy. (My money’s on Donny. Those teeth could gnaw through steel.)

Mega Python Vs. GatoroidMega Python vs. Gatoroid first aired on the SyFy Channel™ back in late January of 2011. Why it took so long for it to come out on DVD pisses me off sideways. Debbie Gibson plays one of those animal-rights nut jobs who steals illegally imported Burmese pythons from pet stores that also sell poisonous butterflies and kitty cats, and sets them loose in the Florida Everglades.

Meanwhile, D-cup park ranger Tiffany is gooning out because the buttons on her tight uniform keep popping off. (She didn’t need any special effects help here.) Noticing the collateral damage done by the snakes to her precious swamp friends, she feeds steroids to her beloved alligators in order to balance the scales and… Oh, hey – I just got that joke! Some days I ring the bell hard.

Mega Python Vs. GatoroidBut while the snake and gator are getting ready to rumble, Debbie and Tiffany go chest-to-chest in a the tickle fight of the century. Even the scene where the super-sized python opens wide and a yummy train drives right into its mouth (no bus until you finish your dinner) is no match for D and T’s party fight. Faces are pushed into sensuous lemon meringue desserts, underwear becomes exposed, and a pants-tingling wrestling match ends up in the water, making cocktail dresses cling like Saran Wrap™. In the end, both ladies see that they’re not so different after all and rub lemon meringue on one another and lick it off. Oh, and they totally make out to seal their newfound friendship.

You didn’t see that part? It’s included on the DVD as an alternate ending. No, really.

Belgian Vampires And Scottish Psychopaths

Posted in Vampires, Zombies with tags , on June 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

VampiresBelgian vampires and Scottish psychopaths. Nice to be able to report on something other than sharks for a change. Mind you, I have nothing against sharks and have caught and released a few of those man-eating machines in my day (the meat is hell on my colon). But it’s always good to mix it up a bit. You know, to keep it real. Man.

Vampires is pseudo documentary about a real-life family of vampires living in Belgium. I don’t know where that is, but I think it’s where waffles are made and imported to my local supermarket’s freezer section. This family is hilarious – they eat illegal immigrants (ethnic food) and handicapped people and kids (not cool with chowing down on the disabled, but I’m OK with the pre-teen Scooby snacks).

The teen daughter, wanting to be human, commits suicide over and over. The dad argues with the neighbors. They have to hold down jobs. And they have lots of vampire sex. “Vampires are actually good lays,” says the hot undead daughter. I should very much like her to prove it. This Saturday night if possible. In all, the movie trailer is freakin’ funnier than a child-flavored taco.

Attack of the HerbalsIn Attack of the Herbals, a discovered batch of experimental Nazi war-time tea turns the tiny Scottish fishing village of Lobster Cove into “the Evil Dead meets Shaun of the Dead.” (At least I think they’re all Scottish. They all talk like Scotty from Star Trek, so, like, you can see why I made that connection.) Everyone the tea is sold to becomes addicted and then exhibits bloody psychotic behavior when the tea runs out. Great business model.

Two great horror comedies from two great countries, where waffles, lobsters and blood flow like honey. I’m totally moving to both places. (Winter home/summer home.)

Attack of the Herbals

It’s Hammer Time

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , on June 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SweatshopWhen machetes, drills, barb-wire wrapped baseball bats and whaling harpoons can’t get the job done, it’s time to call in the hammer. While perhaps not as flashy as its flesh-ripping contemporaries, the hammer, genius in its simplicity and devastating in its delivery, is a handy all-purpose tool in any serial killer’s toolbox.

But no one said the hammer needed to be small. Take a look at the monster-sized hammer featured in Sweatshop (2009/DVD releasing September 2011). The gentleman swinging it is called The Beast. Anyone with a name like that is not gonna be tapping penny nails into sheet rock. Nope, Beast does to your head what Gallagher does to watermelons. (Caution: the first 10 rows will get wet.)

The Beast made brain pulp out of goth punks teens who party in his abandoned warehouse. Since he’s more of a smooth jazz guy, their metal-on-metal music stylings made his head pound. So he returned the favor and pounded their heads.

Hammer MenI think The Beast has a brother or a close relative in the trade as The Executioner, another guy with a similar tool, was featured in Resident Evil: AfterLife (2010). Exy, a colorful by-product of the T-virus, is over 10-feet tall, impervious to zombies and drags his hammer around the streets, looking to pound some sense into any human survivor not yet infected by the Umbrella Corporation’s end-all cure all. Sadly, we only get to see one human pineapple split in half by The Executioner’s double-sided hammer. (There’s an axe head on the flip side, making the tool very handy in any human-still-standing situation.)

So whether you’re hanging a picture, building a birdhouse or making tomato juice out of someone’s face, consider the trusty hammer to help you get the job done right.

Resident Evil: AfterLife

Dark Tide: Shark Vs. Bikini

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on June 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark TideAnother shark movie. Why is it filmmakers always gang on a genre when there are plenty of other horrific themes to explore (i.e., robo-cheerleaders, werewolf ghosts, Christianity…). Dark Tide joins the long list of shark-bites-face movies arriving this year, and while it does star Halle Berry in a bikini, we can only hope that the monster fish that eats her friends is not a non-union stunt shark, nor made of rubber, and doesn’t growl underwater. I know, wishful thinking.

Dark Tide wants us to believe that the runway model attributes of Halle Berry are just a by-product of genetic predisposition, and that we should believe this smokin’ hot wearer of bikinis is actually a shark naturalist and a documentarian. Apparently, Dark Tide is a science fiction movie.

Dark TideAfter the death of her mentor in the meat grinding mouth of a great white shark, Halle, who pioneered the jackass methodology of swimming with sharks outside of the candy wrapper (shark cage), is now too freaked to get back into the water. That’s entirely OK as bikinis actually look better on land than in sea. But her old air mattress mate shows up with a rich guy who wants to pay $100,000 Euros (which is valued at $142,801.39 when the banks opened today) to dive with sharks freestyle, meaning without protection. Even though I’m a rocket scientist, I could be just like you and figure out what happens next.

Dark TideNot surprisingly, the painfully generic titled movie has a predecessor that goes by the same name and similar sea predator angle. Dark Tide, which came out in 1993, is an erotic thriller that has a mega horny sea captain looking to sink his flesh harpoon into the grotto of a supermodel on a chartered boating vacation with her husband. All was going according to plan until poisonous sea snakes (there’s a joke in there somewhere) show up to enforce lapses in moral restraint.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m all about as many lapses in moral restraint and shark movies as I can fit into my busy schedule. But c’mon – at least give it a title that rings the dinner bell. Might I suggest Sharkness On The Edge Of Town or Once Bitten, Twice Die or Shore Leave – By Land, By Sea, Bye-Bye.

I should be getting paid to do this.

Are You Xperienced (in 3D)?

Posted in Ghosts with tags on June 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Xperience 3DThe world is divided into groups – those who believe in the paranormal and those who don’t. Not wanting to conform in any direction (fear of commitment), I choose to believe around those who do, and then mock them when their backs are turned. A character flaw, but I can live with it.

But what if entities really do exist in a realm not readily accessible through fine alcoholic beverages and/or OTC drugs? That’s the basis for the Spanish spooky thriller Paranormal Xperience 3D, an upcoming mindf*ck of a ghost trip that promises to put you in the middle of your worst nightmares. (For me that’d be desperately having to go to the bathroom while out in the desert and there are no restrooms around for miles. I’m freaking out just thinking about it.)

Amaia SalamancaIn Paranormal Xperience 3D, Angela (played by the burrito-stiffening Amaia Salamanca) is a psychiatry student who doesn’t believe in the existence of paranormal world. One day her professor challenges her and some like-minded students to sing it, don’t bring it, by refuting said existence of the afterlife. For extra credit she has to do it in a string bikini.

So off the disbelievers go to  a miner town with a smudged past. I can only interpret that as meaning ghosts. Hey, I could’ve said werewolves or robots. Exploring the salt mines, Angela and her friends ignore warnings and open the door to the afterlife with dire results. (In America we call that having a salt mine cave in on your face.)

Paranormal Xperience 3DSays the filmmakers, “In XP3D we will take the audience to horrific places, we will put them physically there and we won’t let them escape.” I’m crossing my fingers to the point of breaking that one of the places will be a girl’s locker room where Amaia will need to rinse all that salt and afterlife off her string bikini. Hopefully the miners left lots and lots of bubble soap and hot steamy water.

Zombie Ed

Posted in Zombies with tags on June 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie EdIt’s like Teen Wolf, but instead of growing fur where there was no fur before, Ed, a typical loser guy, wakes up one day to find out he’s dead. And as one of the living dead, Ed is more popular (who wouldn’t want to be friends with a zombie?), better looking (he attracts flies and chicks), becomes a track star (he aced the 100-yard shamble), and even has a hot zombie girlfriend (she stinks in all the right places).

Zombie EdBut it’s not all a bed of dead roses for Zombie Ed. He fears his loser self will come back and wreck his new rotting lifestyle. And his girlfriend, who is dead in the sack (heh), is secretly a vegetarian. That’s like saying you believe in Jesus or unicorns, but really don’t. And to top it off, said dead girlfriend ropes him into heading up the zombie rights movement, which strives to make a better un-life for zombies everywhere. (Sounds like Ed’s p-whipped. The things some guys will do to get into a dead girl’s pants.)

Zombie EdZombie Ed, a new “zomedy,” is all that and more and promises a ton of sight gags and laughs, though the movie’s press release made no mention of zombie boobies rising from the blouse. That’s OK – I might have to pass on that one. Apparently, I have standards. Who knew?

Click HERE to find out how you too can go zombie. (I did – it’s actually pretty easy. Now all I have to do is wait for zombie chicks to start e-mailing me.)

The Flying Undead

Posted in Zombies with tags on June 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Quarantine 2This reads like a bad golf score sheet – Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011) is the zombie sequel to Quarantine (2008), which was a note-for-note remake of the smash hit Spanish zombie movie [REC] (2007), which in turn spawned it’s own sequel [REC] 2 (2009), and has two more sequels following that with [REC] Genesis (2011) and [REC] Apocalipsis (2012).

This is making my head hurt.

Quarantine 2, a stand-alone entry and not a remake (thank you), moves the flesh-eating action to the inside of a plane that has been placed under quarantine after somebody sneezed and infected half the aircraft with a zombie virus that makes you dead and then living and then hungry for neck sandwiches.

Flying ZombiesUndead on an airplane is nothing new, however, having been done at least two times prior that I know of. The first one was Nightmare City (1980), centering around a commercial airplane full of passengers who are infected by radioactive waste, which turned them into coach class living dead. The things that pass for food on flights these days. When the plane lands at a major metropolitan airport, the passengers disembark and proceed to get a refreshing drink of blood from human fountains. And speaking of, if everyone on the plane was converted into radioactive vampire zombies, who landed the plane? And don’t tell me zombies can get pilot licenses, because I just won’t believe you.

Then there was Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak On A Plane (2007). A woman is kept in a science box in the cargo of a transatlantic flight. Her body is filled with germs, that if studied, could lead to a new war weapon: a way for military guys who can keep fighting after they’ve been killed in combat. When turbulence causes the science box to open, an armed guard shoots the woman. But she comes back to life and eats his neck. (Snacks on a plane – heh.) He then reanimates and bites passengers, and so on and so on.

Flying Zombies

Zombies on airplanes makes for a nice change of pace. No so much on helicopters or hover crafts, though. Regardless, book a flight with the undead – it’s the only way to rack up frequent die’r miles.

They Still Live

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on June 10, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

They LiveI need to move to Texas. Besides being able to walk around indoors with huge cowboy hats, it’s the law that you have to carry a shotgun wherever you go, even the bathroom. And Texas chili will make your farts sound like the horns of humanity. But it’s the Alamo Drafthouse movie theatres – four of ’em – that’s reason enough to head southwest. They have all sorts of cool horror and sci-fi filmfests, and often do limited edition screen-printed movie posters to go with ’em.

Their latest is a showing of the 1988 sci-fi cult classic They Live and an 18” x 24” poster done by the incredible Shepard Fairey, the guy whose name sounds like a mythical barnyard attendant. These posters, limited to 500 (that’s half a thousand give or take) are priced to move off the shelf at $50 (that’s half a hundred, more or less). To get one, you gotta jam on over to the groovy Mondotees website. (Same as their name, just add dot com to the end of it.)

They Live As for They Live, here’s a primer:

“I come here to chew bubblegum and to kick ass…and I’m all outta bubblegum.” Those immortal lines were made famous by wrestling legend Rowdy Roddy Piper as he walks into a bank with a shotgun, targeting aliens posing as us. This match-up just sings of pay-per-view.

Roddy plays a drifter who gets a job at a construction site (probably hammering stuff with his fists). He’s later invited to a makeshift commune where he can eat, bathe and hammer stuff with his…sorry. He stumbles upon an underground movement trying to get the word out about being controlled and watched by those who are secretly controlling us.

They LiveNormally, this would be hippies ranting about God knows what, but this time it’s a legit group of people who bathe and shave – and they have proof of an alien conspiracy. They hand out special sunglasses that enable you to see the truth: What looks to be normal advertising– billboards, magazines and newspapers – now appear in black and white and say things like, “This is your God,” “Obey,” and “Put your boss in a figure-four leg lock.” Um, that last one was mine. But you get the idea.

They LiveWe’re being subliminally controlled, man. And a bunch of people look like tuna can-faced aliens when you have the glasses on. This movie contains the legendary scene where Roddy is trying to get his construction worker buddy to put on the glasses so he can see the aliens, too.

The buddy doesn’t believe in extraterrestrial conspiracies and doesn’t want to further Roddy’s delusions. You know what happens when you don’t do something a professional wrestler wants you to do? RUMBLE! The fight is brutal and full of punching awesomeness. They beat the paint off of each other. Seems excessive when all the guy had to do was put on the glasses.

They LiveBut this is the way things are done in OUR world, you stinkin’ aliens. I’ll still obey and buy, but don’t think I’ll jump every time you come to Earth thinking you’re all that.