Lockjaw Is Creature And Visa-Versa

CreatureI’m confused, and not because my cereal doesn’t snap, crackle or pop (I keep plugging it in, but still nothing). There’s this new monster movie coming out in September, 2011 called Creature. Kinda stock, but gets the point across. But it was first called Blood Is Blood (blecchh!) and then Lockjaw (much better as it sounds like it feels). I don’t know why it’s so tough to name a horror movie. There are loads of nouns in the dictionary to keep movie makers floating in titles for years. Examples: Whopper Titan vs. Primate Brute or Monstrosity Villain. (Gimme a break, I just woke up.)

Beautiful CreatureSo I’m down with Creature. Especially since it stars Serinda Swan from TRON: Legacy/2010. (The name sounds totally made up, but her plentiful shirt-stuffers make everything all better and/or legit.) As Creature goes, some family and friends looking for a Chuck E. Cheese™ in the middle of a Louisiana bayou encounter Lockjaw, a swamp monster regarded as a god by the locals. (No offense, but people who live in swamps would worship an alligator butt if they thought it would brighten their day.)

CreatureThis Lockjaw god/swamp creature has really dry skin, glowing red eyes (kinda like Mothman after Lasik™ surgery) and a split coconut smile exposing teeth sharp enough to tear through the toughest of peanut butter and alligator butt sandwiches. My guess is that Lockjaw bites you, probably in half. What’s left over, he farts on, which in his world is like marking his territory.

CreatureResisting Lockjaw’s efforts to bite you in half is a Seal (as in Navy), a Swan (as in the aforementioned Serinda) and Sid (as in Haig, aka Captain Spaulding. Tell me you know that character.) As of this morning, I have yet to be asked to star in this movie. Maybe the producers lost my e-mail. Here it is again in case they need it: beerme@iwannabeinyourmovie.com.

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