Archive for May, 2011

Werewolves On Wheels

Posted in Classic Horror, Werewolves with tags , on May 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Werewolves on WheelsEvery home should have a werewolf, if not as a cursed family member, but perhaps as a pet out in the back yard. But if you don’t have/want either, you can settle for a severely cool limited edition print of the 1971 schlock horror film, Werewolves on Wheels, starring nobody you’d care to know.

Designed by Phantom City Creative and sold by the always groovy MondoTees, each 24”x36” screenprint is limited to 235, and will set you back $40 clams. The color scheme doesn’t match your eyes? Then you can get a blue variant with an even smaller edition of 65 for $60 fun coupons.

Werewolves on Wheels

As for Werewolves on Wheels, the title is better than the movie itself. Pity. The Devils Advocates are a motorcycle gang with unkempt hair, dirty clothes and a noticeable disregard for the law. While driving around the southwest looking for something to spit on, they encounter a cult of satanic monks.

During an overly long ceremony in which the bikers are given a loaf of bread and a nice vintage blood wine to wash it down, something happens: the bikers pass out! (I guess all that beer they’re constantly seen sipping is just for posing purposes.) While they were sleeping off their wine buzz, the monks turn the head biker’s ’ol lady into a naked go-go dancer, then a werewolf. (This doesn’t happen right away because it takes a while to grow that much hair.) As nature takes its course, soon the lead biker is infected with werewolf germs, and every night after the gang falls asleep in the dirt, another member is killed and/or murdered.

Werewolves on WheelsThis all comes to a boil when the gang actually sees them fur up right before their lawless eyeballs. So the title Werewolves on Wheels is kind of a misnomer as just two are werewolves. Even so, only one of them has motorcycle-driving experience. Regardless, they must be killed/murdered. Those remaining go back to the church for revenge (and more of that delicious bread), only to find themselves in robes doing the satanic cult dealie. Yeah, I’m not sure how works, either. Maybe they were dead the whole time and that’s just their souls finally wearing clean clothes.

All I know is I was promised werewolves on wheels and didn’t get any. Life sucks.

Hypothermia – A Cool Way To Die

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on May 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HypothermiaKinda sucks when you go to all that trouble to do some ice fishing (drill, pole, hook, bait, thermal underwear, six cases of beer), and all you catch is an ice creature. Can’t throw it back because that’s just wasteful. Even cooked in butter and some lemon juice, you can’t eat it, because ice creatures taste gamey. Too big to toss in the trunk and take home to show the neighbors. And it smells like a damp hooker. (There’s not enough Glade™ in the grocery store to mask that odor.)

That’s the dilemma in Hypothermia, an upcoming horror movie about some guy and his wife who have been ice fishing on Lake Noyade in Maine every winter instead of going someplace warm so your fingers won’t turn black from frostbite and fall off, where seagulls will no doubt think they’re overcooked French fries and eat ’em. The only thing they’re going to catch this year is a death of a cold. That’s funny because that humanoid fish creature under the ice will kill you.


Modeled after the creature in The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954), this lake monster bears a similar resemblance (not shown here because it’ll freak you out super hard). This thing gets mega pissed when people drill holes in his roof, so it does the neighborly thing and rips you in half. Pulling down your pants and sliding on the ice would be way more enjoyable than being ripped in half.

HypothermiaHypothermia was supposed to come out in 2010. It’s a few minutes past that, so I guess it needed to thaw out a bit more. (Yes, that was funny.) Judging from the trailer where people are being made into fish sticks, to get away from the creature seems obvious – get off the freakin’ ice and, like, go to a bar or something. There’s something not quite right with those who and stare at black holes for hours on end. That’s what televisions are for, people.


Dinocroc Vs. Supergator

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , on May 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorSeems everyone with a God complex is making mutations these days. Why, just last week, I genetically grafted peanut butter and jelly with a loaf of bread and created…SUPER SANDWICH. I wanted to call it MEGA MEAL, but some nationwide fast food chain who won’t buy any sponsored ads on this blog already has it copyrighted. I toyed with the idea of naming it LUNCHZILLA, but my neighbor, who is an attorney, keeps telling me blah, blah, blah about “proprietary rights” and “trademark infringements.” Just once I’d like to have a conversation with him where he doesn’t c*ckblock every idea I take from the internet and slightly adjust to make it my own.

Fine, SNACKOID it is. Geez.

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorSo it was inevitable that Dinocroc and Supergator were paired for this summer’s genetic mash-up. The plot is always the same: digital monsters that wouldn’t cut the mustard in a video game, an evil scientist who invents them, well-armed but useless military, a handsome hero, a do-gooder female pop icon from the ’80s who makes out with the handsome hero at the end, a bounty hunter with a facial scar (usually running from forehead to cheek), a few chicks in bikinis, a popular beach/island where people are gulped down by said monster(s) like screaming M&Ms™ (plain, not peanut).

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorThe monsters themselves defy the tenants of gravity. For instance, Dinocroc all but dances like a ballerina as he chases Jeeps down the road. And Supercroc moves as fast as Humungo Bug (that one’s mine – I’m gettin’ in on this action). I’ve seen enough Discovery Channel™ shows to know that when a Supergator eats an elephant/person whole, all he wants to after the meal is lay on the couch with one claw on the TV remote and the other tucked into the top of his pants, and zone out. This gator seems to react to his “fourth meals” as vitamins, zooming all over the place as if solar-powered.

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorDinsoshark vs. Supergator comes out on DVD July 12th, 2011. That’s a Tuesday. Until then, do what I do when I’m impatient for some giant monster action – go to the kitchen and experiment with the laws of nature, i.e., TITANO-WAFFLE Vs. SUPER DUPER SYRUP.

God Of Clay – That’s Putty Silly

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters with tags , on May 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

God of ClayNormally Japanese giant monsters have cool names that rhyme with “camera” and “beer, ahhh!” and end in vowels. But this new guy, looking like a heavy metal Teletubbie crossed with a radioactive unicorn and has “you’re on the wrong train track” flashing red eyes, is called God of Clay. God, maybe. Clay, perhaps. But God of Clay just doesn’t invoke coolness and makes you think of giant pottery or a mutant vase. Does for me, anyway. But hey, a 30-story monster that goes around doing urban development without permits is still a good thing.

God of ClayGod of Clay’s press release, which I kinda sort skimmed through because it didn’t come with a coupon for something free or discounted, says that this is a 13-minute film short adapted from the anti-war children’s picture book by author Masamoto Nasu, Children of the Paper Crane: The Story of Sadako Sasaki and Her Struggle With the A-Bomb Disease. I read that book. It doesn’t end well for Sadako.

It goes on to say that the story revolves around a boy named Ken-chan whose parents are killed in WWII. He creates a tiny clay god to punish those who profit from war. Fifty years later, Ken-chan has become president of an arms company – and his forgotten God of Clay grows to enormous size, wreaking havoc and destruction until it confronts its maker. (I just flashed on how they can battle God Clay on his own terms: expose Gumby to science beams, inject him with 400 gallons of Jagermeister™, then sit back and watch a bitch slap of biblical proportions.)

Aside from the sweet and refreshing Jagermeister™ and aforementioned tech beams, the premise of God of Clay looks to be the Japanese take on the Golem, a Jewish clay monster made by a rabbi to protect the ghetto Jews from trippin’ anti-Semitic gangstas.

GolemIt’s also similar to the Korean savior of the people, Pulgasari, a mythical giant ox thing. Fashioned from a wad of mystical rice and brought to life by the blood of a hot but downtrodden Korean chick, the tiny beast gorges on metal and grows at a buffet-busting rate. The best part is Pulgasari turns into of metal and can’t be killed by conventional means (fire, avalanches, cruel taunts).

PulgasariYou can see the world premier of God of Clay on June 23, 2011 at the Bigfoot Crest Theater in L.A. during their Japanese Monster Mayhem Film Fest. I believe the serious sh*t goes down at 9:30PM. I’d go, but I’m working on my own creature of retribution. I have given a name to my pain and it is…Scruffy – Destroyer of Worlds.

P.S. Thanks to Sci-Fi for exposing me to another giant monster whose image on a shirt I have got to own.

For Rent: Haunted Apartments

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , on May 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Apartment 1303Apartment 1303 is an American remake of a 2007 Japanese horror film about a spooked, um, apartment. Apartment 1303 itself is pretty much your typical rental property, with people jumping off the balcony to their lease-breaking deaths, as well as screaming views. So if you live in apartment 1302 or apartment 1304, it’s best to have the landlord’s number on speed dial as the residents of 1303 are kinda noisy, what with guests dropping over all the time. Heh.

Apartment 1303The Japanese version (sub-titled, because it’s in some sort of weird language), goes something like this: On the 13th floor of an apartment complex overlooking a pool in the courtyard and a beach across the street where I’m guessing sharks are floating, is a haunted apartment.

Four previous tenants, all girls in their 20s, have all gone swimming in the courtyard pool, using their apartment balcony as a diving board. That most miss the pool, means they should have better safety rules posted.

Apartment 1303Sayaka is a young girl moving into the surprisingly affordable apartment. Having a party with friends, she suddenly goes crazy train, starts eating dog food (ick), puts on a football helmet(!), and does a full-gainer off the balcony as her friends watch in stunned disbelief. (Probably because her shoes didn’t match the helmet.)

A cop investigating the suicide reveals the apartment was the scene of a famous momicide, wherein an abused young girl ends up aerating her mother with a Ginsu™ knife and storing her corpse in the closet for six months.

An eviction notice has her taking a walk off the sun deck – stopping abruptly to decorate the courtyard with her face. Then a bunch more girls move into the apartment, which recruits replacement members into its high dive club.

Apartment 1303Lots of wind, fog and super long tentacle hair that could use some conditioner, all of which do nothing to soil your kimono. In the end, Mariko, another diving prospect, gets a 7.5 for her form, missing an 8 – and the pool – by a hair.

As entertaining as this all is, Apartment 1303 is nothing more than a entry-level “ghost kills your face” horror movie. Hopefully the American version will have better amenities.

Man Bugs. Sure, Why Not?

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on May 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SuckerI totally feel infringed upon. I wrote a screenplay five days ago for a horror movie called Suckers, involving land octopuses that come out of faulty plumbing and climb up skyscrapers using their tentacle suckers, and then when they get to the top, lay their eggs to make more land octopuses and then hurl themselves onto the unsuspecting espresso/hot dog stands and public transit below, where they splat like icky water balloons, their radioactive gut stuff of which causes people to grow tentacles and, like scream ’n stuff. Silver screen gold here.

Now there’s a horror movie with the same name about a guy who gets sucked on by virus-infected mosquitoes and turns into one himself and seeks revenge on his cheating wife, his former employers at the nuclear power plant and probably a cow that wronged him in his previous life. (I’m extrapolating – cows are known mosquito attractants and infect the milk I’ve been pouring on my Fruit Loops™ for years.)

I think my Suckers would totally out suck this new Sucker.

SuckerA man turning into a bug, though, has been done before. In 2005 it was called Mansquito (aka Mosquito Man). Frankly, I prefer Mansquito. And Mansquito was done before that back in 1986 as The Fly. And The Fly was done before that back in 1958, also called The Fly. Why is it no one has made a movie about a chick turning into an insect? They could call it Lady Bug. Man, I feel a new script coming on.

SuckerSucker clearly patterned the mid-transformation look and style of 1986’s The Fly. Normally, that would bug me (heh), but I favor mutations of this sort for some reason only my shrink knows, but won’t tell me. (“Come see me next week, Mr. Gilbert, and we’ll talk about your mommy issues…”) What a tool.

The FlyFor decades Hollywood has been turning people into all sorts of hybrids, from alligators and frogs (where do you think the Navy got the term “frogmen?”) to snakes and human centipedes. Lots of room to explore here, though I’m still waiting for someone to make a movie about some sort of “man spider.” Hey, I know – they could call it…SPIDER-MAN! Dang, I’m smart. So how is it I keep making minimum wage?

iArmy of iDarkness For Your iPhone

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil with tags , on May 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Army of Darkness: DefenseI’ve waited my entire life for this iPhone™ app: Army of Darkness: Defense, a game where you get to be Ash from the Evil Dead series and protect the Necronomicon (NY Times best-seller with human skin book cover) from the Deadites, an army of evil dead of all things.

Available for purchase in the iTunes™ store for $0.99 (iPhone™, iPod Touch™) or $2.99 (iPad™), you gotta get it today if possible as it’s only up for sale for a limited time. Meaning that the time portal that keeps sucking your socks off will close, leaving you trapped in time (present day) with no way to have fun with your iPhone™ other than drunk dialing your ex at 3AM after the bars close. (Calling a cab, my ass.)

Army of Darkness: DefenseThe app also features characters from Army of Darkness (1992) including Arthur, Henry, Sheila, and, of course, Evil Ash. (I’d totally party with that guy.) According to the iTunes™ Store description, the game also “lifts some of the movie’s most quotable lines and gives Ash the ability to call upon a wide variety of allies to help preserve the Necronomicon, including swordsmen, armored knights, archers and more.”

I need to know the “and more” part. I’m just hard-wired that way.

Army of Darkness: DefenseSo if you’re like Ash and have a chainsaw for a hand, don’t play Army of Darkness: Defense because you’ll scratch up your phone. But if you have two regular boring hands, this game is for you and…crap, I just remembered – I don’t have an iPhone™. Why, oh why won’t they make Army of Darkness for rotary phones? Curse those primitive screwheads.

Sand Sharks: Down And Dirt-y

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on May 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sand SharksSharks are getting the raw end of the harpoon these days, with horror movie filmmakers mocking the Carcharodon carcharias, or “Chewy McBite Bite” by giving ’em the ability to fly, eat aircraft carriers and bridges with golden gates, turn invisible, live in the swamp, chew through snow, and shoplift at underwater supermarkets, to say nothing of the embarrassing transgender makeovers (Sharktopus – gimme a break). Truly, we ALL deserve to be attacked by a shark. And by all, I mean everyone except me.

Sand SharksTo further add insult to injury comes Sand Sharks, a movie about “prehistoric sand-dwelling sharks that are unleashed after an underwater earthquake cracks open a crater deep beneath the ocean surface. The most menacing beasts to ever rule the waters now rule the sand.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but other than the dirt part, wasn’t this the same premise as Piranha 3D (2010)? And the whole “monster in the dirt” thing has been done with 1980’s Blood Beach, with it’s award-winning tagline: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…you can’t get to it!” Extreme awesome.

My curse is that I’m compelled to rent Sand Sharks when it comes out. Yes, I’ve been to a doctor for this condition. No, he won’t prescribe me happy pills just because some horror movies are bad and cause me double trauma. Yes, I’m switching doctors.

Sand SharksSand Sharks stars Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk Hogan, pro wrestler/pop culture icon/world ambassador, who is making the shift to rent-paying films after capsizing as a singer. It is expected that she’ll have to wear a string bikini at some point between PUSH PLAY and EJECT.

Sand SharksNot surprisingly, there are dozens of sand sharks already out there, from sports teams and soccer balls, to novels without pictures. But to trace the sand shark’s family tree, one only has to look back to The Invisible Enemy, a 1964 episode of The Outer Limits, starring a pre-Batman Adam West as an astronaut on another planet who watches as his crew get turned into Scooby™ snacks by the dreaded sand shark monster that swims in dirt as easily as if it were raw Jell-O™.

Sand SharksSand Sharks can only lead us further down the toilet and pave the way for more toothy hybrids. Expect Yoghurt Sharks (they swim in your refrigerator and only attack people with poor diets), Sewer Sharks 3D (flushed down the toilet when they got too big) and Rug Munchers. (You already know the plot of this one.)

Three Different Kinds Of Phantoms

Posted in Ghosts with tags on May 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

PhantomPhantom is the name of an upcoming Cold War-themed horror movie that has some sort of icky thing in the ocean using submarines instead of car keys to clean its ears. It all started when the Soviets, floating around in a diesel-electric submarine, thought it’d be cool to launch a nuclear warhead at the United States. And by the United States, I mean my house. There are lots of reasons to hate the Soviets, and you can add that to the list.

But somewhere in the bottom of the ocean, something is waiting for them. Preliminary research indicates a giant clam or possibly a bus-sized, pink-colored mollusk with extra tentacles. Either way, I’m down with it.

So as to not slight other Phantoms, if the movie starred the Phantom of the Opera, it might go something like this…

Phantom“The crew aboard the U.S.S. Something or Other is plagued by a mysterious phantom scuba diver who bangs on the side of the submarine with a conch shell while they’re trying to sleep. They launch a nuclear warhead at the Phantom, miss, and blow up Florida during Spring Break.”

Then there’s The Phantom, the guy in tight purple spandex, which leaves nothing to the imagination, who rides around Africa smashing evil on a horse named Hero…

Phantom“A Navy submarine, on its way to Africa to replenish its supply of bongo drums, mysteriously runs aground on a beach. The Phantom, standing high on a cliff above, throws rocks at it. The crew freaks out because they don’t know who or what is doing that. Sleep will come hard that night.”

I need to move to Hollywood – gold just pours out of me. (Looks gold, anyway, especially after nine or ten cans of the good stuff.)

Strippers Vs. Werewolves: Bare Battles Hair

Posted in Werewolves, Zombies with tags , on May 10, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Strippers Vs. WerewolvesI only know one werewolf joke: “How to you keep a werewolf from charging? Take away his credit card!” I heard that as a kid and I still crack up every time I hear it. Don’t ask me why, I just do.

So now there’s a NEW werewolf joke, this time in the form of a British horror comedy called Strippers Vs. Werewolves. You already know the punch line, so here’s the delivery: “A stripper named Justice performs a private lap dance for Mickey, a man who violates the no-touching policy by sprouting fangs and claws and trying to eat her. Justice panics and takes the only option open to her – she drives a silver fountain pen through Mickey’s eye.”

Strippers Vs. WerewolvesMan, that just cracks me up. And I’m a tough sell. Still, any time you have strippers versus anything, it’s going to be a rewarding experience. Take strippers versus the undead in Zombies, Zombies, Zombies (2008), where groin-achingly hot exotic dancers bar themselves inside a bar (heh) and hold off a zombie onslaught. Features pretty much everything society doesn’t want you to see.

Stripper ZombiesThen there’s Zombie Strippers (2008), featuring living dead clothes taker-off-ers who, in undead form, are getting way more tips. And personal lap dances turn into all you can eat buffets. (Mostly hot dogs – ahem.)

So, yeah – stripper versus pretty much anything as it’s all about the drama, character insights and the inner struggle to overcome fear and emotion. (I have GOT to stop watching Bridges of Madison County.)