37th Annual Saturn Awards

Saturn AwardsIt’s that time of the year again where the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films nominates, then glory-holes genre films released since the last time they did it. While many of 2010’s nominees were a joke (The Twilight Saga: New Moon – I still throw up in my mouth a little every time someone mentions those movies), it looks like someone with half a clue is behind the nominations for the 37th Annual Saturn Awards.

Here are this year’s nominees (I’m still not in here for best anything, dang it), with the winners being announced in June, 2011…

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM
HEREAFTER (Warner Bros.)
A guy who can communicate with the dead. How is that science fiction? Ghosts are fact, man.

INCEPTION (Warner Bros.)
Entire cities that fold over onto themselves? That is so friggin’ cool! I wish my apartment could do that.

IRON MAN 2 (Paramount/Marvel)
As good as the first one, but with more explosions. I totally gotta get me one of those iron suits. Then I could fly over my neighbor’s house and throw rocks at his roof ’n stuff.

NEVER LET ME GO (Fox Searchlight)
Scientists grow clones in the lab to use for spare parts. While Frankenstein has been doing that for years (with mixed results), watching this one is a hard kick in the test tube.

SPLICE (Warner Bros.)
Science splices DNA to create a bald, super hot chick with rat legs and a stingray tail. Is it so wrong that I’m biologically attracted to this new life-form?

TRON: LEGACY (Walt Disney Studios)
Tron was the first Matrix, taking us into a computerized video game world where future people threw face-disintegrating pie pans at each other. I can’t tell you how long and far I’ve searched for those pie pans to throw at my neighbor.

BEST HORROR
THE AMERICAN (Focus)
A story about a paid assassin. I’m confused – I thought this was the horror category. There was not one vampire or creature from beyond in this movie. And yet some dumbass nominated it. In this category. Dumbass.

BLACK SWAN (Fox Searchlight)
Rekindled my interest in classical dancing, it did.

KICK-ASS (Lionsgate)
Regular people taking on the role of superheroes. Great movie. Wrong category.

LET ME IN (Overture/Relativity Media)
A young vampire girl and a young regular boy discover their burgeoning love is not in vein.

SHUTTER ISLAND (Paramount)
Rekindled my interest in psychotic schizophrenic behavior, it did.

THE WOLF MAN (Universal)
A good werewolf film. Not a great werewolf film. The Wolf Man looked pretty cool, though. I bet he’d be crazy fun to party with.

BEST FANTASY FILM
ALICE IN WONDERLAND (Walt Disney Studios)
Drug addicts watch this movie to kick their habits.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
(20th Century Fox)
No.

CLASH OF THE TITANS (Warner Bros.)
Awesome monsters, but the characters seemed more interested in posing and pontificating than screaming and uncontrollable peeing.

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1 (Warner Bros.)
Dark stuff, with people, owls and elves dropping like flies. But hey, that Ginny Weasley is really starting to ripen on the vine.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD (Universal)
Didn’t see it.

TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE (Summit Entertainment)
Couldn’t pay me to see it.

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