Hypothermia – A Cool Way To Die

HypothermiaKinda sucks when you go to all that trouble to do some ice fishing (drill, pole, hook, bait, thermal underwear, six cases of beer), and all you catch is an ice creature. Can’t throw it back because that’s just wasteful. Even cooked in butter and some lemon juice, you can’t eat it, because ice creatures taste gamey. Too big to toss in the trunk and take home to show the neighbors. And it smells like a damp hooker. (There’s not enough Glade™ in the grocery store to mask that odor.)

That’s the dilemma in Hypothermia, an upcoming horror movie about some guy and his wife who have been ice fishing on Lake Noyade in Maine every winter instead of going someplace warm so your fingers won’t turn black from frostbite and fall off, where seagulls will no doubt think they’re overcooked French fries and eat ’em. The only thing they’re going to catch this year is a death of a cold. That’s funny because that humanoid fish creature under the ice will kill you.


Modeled after the creature in The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954), this lake monster bears a similar resemblance (not shown here because it’ll freak you out super hard). This thing gets mega pissed when people drill holes in his roof, so it does the neighborly thing and rips you in half. Pulling down your pants and sliding on the ice would be way more enjoyable than being ripped in half.

HypothermiaHypothermia was supposed to come out in 2010. It’s a few minutes past that, so I guess it needed to thaw out a bit more. (Yes, that was funny.) Judging from the trailer where people are being made into fish sticks, to get away from the creature seems obvious – get off the freakin’ ice and, like, go to a bar or something. There’s something not quite right with those who and stare at black holes for hours on end. That’s what televisions are for, people.


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