Dinocroc Vs. Supergator

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorSeems everyone with a God complex is making mutations these days. Why, just last week, I genetically grafted peanut butter and jelly with a loaf of bread and created…SUPER SANDWICH. I wanted to call it MEGA MEAL, but some nationwide fast food chain who won’t buy any sponsored ads on this blog already has it copyrighted. I toyed with the idea of naming it LUNCHZILLA, but my neighbor, who is an attorney, keeps telling me blah, blah, blah about “proprietary rights” and “trademark infringements.” Just once I’d like to have a conversation with him where he doesn’t c*ckblock every idea I take from the internet and slightly adjust to make it my own.

Fine, SNACKOID it is. Geez.

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorSo it was inevitable that Dinocroc and Supergator were paired for this summer’s genetic mash-up. The plot is always the same: digital monsters that wouldn’t cut the mustard in a video game, an evil scientist who invents them, well-armed but useless military, a handsome hero, a do-gooder female pop icon from the ’80s who makes out with the handsome hero at the end, a bounty hunter with a facial scar (usually running from forehead to cheek), a few chicks in bikinis, a popular beach/island where people are gulped down by said monster(s) like screaming M&Ms™ (plain, not peanut).

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorThe monsters themselves defy the tenants of gravity. For instance, Dinocroc all but dances like a ballerina as he chases Jeeps down the road. And Supercroc moves as fast as Humungo Bug (that one’s mine – I’m gettin’ in on this action). I’ve seen enough Discovery Channel™ shows to know that when a Supergator eats an elephant/person whole, all he wants to after the meal is lay on the couch with one claw on the TV remote and the other tucked into the top of his pants, and zone out. This gator seems to react to his “fourth meals” as vitamins, zooming all over the place as if solar-powered.

Dinocroc Vs. SupergatorDinsoshark vs. Supergator comes out on DVD July 12th, 2011. That’s a Tuesday. Until then, do what I do when I’m impatient for some giant monster action – go to the kitchen and experiment with the laws of nature, i.e., TITANO-WAFFLE Vs. SUPER DUPER SYRUP.

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