For Rent: Haunted Apartments

Apartment 1303Apartment 1303 is an American remake of a 2007 Japanese horror film about a spooked, um, apartment. Apartment 1303 itself is pretty much your typical rental property, with people jumping off the balcony to their lease-breaking deaths, as well as screaming views. So if you live in apartment 1302 or apartment 1304, it’s best to have the landlord’s number on speed dial as the residents of 1303 are kinda noisy, what with guests dropping over all the time. Heh.

Apartment 1303The Japanese version (sub-titled, because it’s in some sort of weird language), goes something like this: On the 13th floor of an apartment complex overlooking a pool in the courtyard and a beach across the street where I’m guessing sharks are floating, is a haunted apartment.

Four previous tenants, all girls in their 20s, have all gone swimming in the courtyard pool, using their apartment balcony as a diving board. That most miss the pool, means they should have better safety rules posted.

Apartment 1303Sayaka is a young girl moving into the surprisingly affordable apartment. Having a party with friends, she suddenly goes crazy train, starts eating dog food (ick), puts on a football helmet(!), and does a full-gainer off the balcony as her friends watch in stunned disbelief. (Probably because her shoes didn’t match the helmet.)

A cop investigating the suicide reveals the apartment was the scene of a famous momicide, wherein an abused young girl ends up aerating her mother with a Ginsu™ knife and storing her corpse in the closet for six months.

An eviction notice has her taking a walk off the sun deck – stopping abruptly to decorate the courtyard with her face. Then a bunch more girls move into the apartment, which recruits replacement members into its high dive club.

Apartment 1303Lots of wind, fog and super long tentacle hair that could use some conditioner, all of which do nothing to soil your kimono. In the end, Mariko, another diving prospect, gets a 7.5 for her form, missing an 8 – and the pool – by a hair.

As entertaining as this all is, Apartment 1303 is nothing more than a entry-level “ghost kills your face” horror movie. Hopefully the American version will have better amenities.

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