Archive for April, 2011

Rotgut: A Zombie’s Favorite Cocktail

Posted in Zombies with tags on April 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

RotgutSo this zombie walks into a bar…

Well, he’s not a zombie yet. But after a few stiff belts under his belt, the booze he’s been sucking down in a bar so seedy I would go there, is gonna turn him into one. Not because that’s what alcohol is supposed to do, it’s because the Tequila he and the bar’s other low lifes are lubricating their wretched lives with is infected with a brain-eating maggot worm. Once the mutant worm gets into your body, it makes you do zombie stuff and burrows out of your forehead by chewing a meaty hole through your brain.

I fail to see how this is different from any other day spent drinking in a seedy bar.

RotgutRotgut, an upcoming independent horror movie with a premise that hits a little too close to home, has all of the above and more. Once the worm works its magic, the drunken losers must band together to keep the infestation from getting out into the sun light and real world, which is far more dangerous and the reason people went into the bar in the first place.

RotgutThey should call the sequel, Rotgut II – Another Round. I should like to audition for the role of Obnoxious Bar Patron #3. I have years of experience and can supply my own bar rag, soiled pants and mutant worm.

Rotgut

Feed Your Star Wars Inner Nerd

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on April 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Star Wars BookendThere’s a fine line between sci-fi fan and sci-fi nerd. A sci-fi fan will go see the movies, its sequels and maybe buy a graphic novel adaptation or two. A sci-fi nerd has to have everything associated with the movie, from 7-Eleven Big Gulp™ formal glassware to logo emblazoned pantyhose. And nowhere are sci-fi nerds more voracious than with the Star Wars franchise. (I swear, the next kid dressed up as an Ewok who knocks on my door on Halloween is gonna get a swift kick in the Tauntaun.)

So sci-fi nerds can continue their holy crusade with the latest Star Wars merchandise offering: The Death Star Trash Compactor bookends. I’m not a sci-fi or Star Wars nerd, but this thing is funnier than a Jawa slipping on some Bantha crap. A reenactment of the scene where Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Hans Solo and Chewbacca evade Stormtroopers by diving face first into the Death Star’s garbage disposal and are about to be crushed. (I totally freaked when this happened and screamed out loud in the theater, even after seeing it nine times in one week.)

Star Wars Bookend

You, too, can relive that moist-making moment for only $198.00 plus shipping. Cast in high-quality polystone mined from Alderaan and hand-painted to exacting standards, each is numbered, comes complete with a matching certificate of authenticity, and is limited to 1,000 pieces. These bookends are well suited for DVDs, books, graphic novels and unfinished Star Wars scripts I’ve been working on since the early ’80s.

Star Wars BookendThese things are all over the galaxy, but start with EntertainmentEarth.com for the best price. My computer mouse is equipped with hyperspace right-clicking, so don’t even think you’ll get a Star Wars bookend before me. Nerd.

Night of the Little Dead

Posted in Zombies on April 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Little DeadYou kinda knew this was gonna happen sooner or later: a little people zombie movie called Night of the Little Dead. And it’s a short (ahem) film, too.

NOTLD involves a couple of guys on a fishing trip who are attacked by a train car full of zombie little people who the town tried to dump decades ago.

Um, that’s about it.

Little DeadDespite their diminutive size, the little zombies have certain advantages. Instead of biting you on the neck, which is too far up for them, they’ll chomp into the meaty portion of your butt burger. From a zombie standpoint, this is maximum return for minimal effort. FYI: farting on ’em is NOT a deterrent.

Secondly, little zombies can hide in your glove compartment. So when you go to reach for your suede driving gloves or gum, the little zombie will bite a chunk out of your hand, and then you’ll turn into a zombie and not need gloves or gum any more.

There’s probably more examples, but that’s all I can think of right now because I have a headache.

Watch the trailer for Night of the Little Dead by clicking HERE while I go to the store for some aspirin. And by aspirin, I mean beer.

Episode 50: A Ghost Of An Idea

Posted in Ghosts with tags on April 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Episode 50If you’ve ever watched that goofy Ghost Hunters show on the SyFy Channel™, it’s amazing how those guys will go to great lengths to milk a “paranormal event.” How many times have you seen a fly buzz by on their infrared cameras and suddenly everyone freaks out and insists the place is so full blown haunted it’ll make you crap ectoplasm?

And then there’s all that EVP (electronic voice phenomenon) puckey where it’s claimed they can actually record the dead talking to them. (If the dead really could speak, they’d probably call them all mega supreme dumbasses.) This was the premise of White Noise (2005), and was about on the same level of as dumbassery as Ghost Hunters. (Note to whomsoever: White Noise 2 was actually pretty decent.)

White NoiseSo now comes Episode 50, another one of those “found footage” movies (a trend that, like karaoke, has overstayed its welcome), about a television crew of paranormal inspectors doing their thing. As with the alleged flavor of non-alcoholic beer, the first 49 claims of supernatural contact have been disproven. The movie, though, is about what happened in Episode 50.

I bet it’s a ghost fly.

Quiz: A Horror Game Show

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on April 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

QuizFew things make me wanna go see a movie more than one being advertised with a severed body part on it. Well, that and boobies. And maybe a giant octopus. As long as the severed body part doesn’t/didn’t belong to me, then hey, viewable good times.

The movie poster for Quiz, a horror movie being made in the Netherlands (wherever the heck that is) has a finger on it that previously belonged to somebody. I think it might be a chick finger as it’s sporting has a nice ring. I wonder how the ring stayed on while the finger was being removed? Maybe it was a really tight ring to begin with and…

Never mind.

So Dick Maas, the guy behind the murderous Santa Claus zombie movie Sint (2010) has come up with Quiz, a story about a famous game show host whose wife and daughter have been kidnapped. In order to get them back all in one piece (not so much, apparently), he has to play a “morbid game,” kinda like a TV quiz show, but with no lovely parting gifts if you lose. Sounds a lot like Saw (2004).

Thanks to Shocktillyoudrop.com for the insider action on Quiz as I would never have found it as I don’t usually click on any links about the Netherlands unless it’s followed by “free boobie photos – no credit card necessary.”

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on April 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rise of the Planet of the ApesTim Burton’s 2001 “re-imagining” of Planet of the Apes, while visually a kick in the banana hammock, failed to grasp the human aspect of the gorillas. That, and it sucked coconut butt by not having me star in it. (I would’ve been the one ape that got totally drunk wasted and made out with people chicks.)

So it’s with guarded anticipation that I await Rise of the Planet of the Apes, another shot at cashing in on the money Ape franchise. Will they ask me to be in it? Only time will tell. (Note to the filmmakers: I’m ready to tell my boss to cram a kiwi and move to Hollywood in about three seconds.)

Rise of the Planet of the ApesNot sure what the particulars of the new Ape movie are about, but from what I’ve gleaned from the Internet, it looks to be more in line with Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972) than trying to re-paint the Mona Lisa™.

Conquest, while not the weakest of the five Ape movies (I’m looking in your direction, 1973’s Battle for the Planet of the Apes) established how the whole ape uprising began and positioned Caesar (the son of the talking chimps Zira and Cornelius) as a powerhouse political reform lobbyist. Caesar, organizing covert maneuvers right under the smug nose of Governor Breck, who has been keeping all trained monkeys down with guns, military and cruel racist taunts, broke free the shackles that bound all apes and pretty much became the president of everything.

Conquest of the Planet of the ApesIn his famous speech before his rallied supporters, while the concrete city burns in the background like Presto Logs™, Caesar proclaims (without notes or a Teleprompter), “We will build our own cities, in which there will be no place for humans except to serve our ends! And we shall found our own armies, our own religion, our own dynasty! And that day is upon you NOW! Tonight, we have seen the birth…of the Planet of the Apes!”

Exhilarating, and yet inspirational.

It is my density, uh, destiny, to be in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I just wish they’d hurry up and e-mail me as I’m chomping on the vine to do this thing.

Apes Gone Wild

Giant Insects Bug Me – In A Good Way

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , on April 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Millennium BugByron Haskins, his factory-fresh new wife and supple teen daughter, go camping in the “where the f*ck are we?” Sierra Diablos mountains. It’s December, 31st, 1999. Back in civilization, the world thinks the Y2K computer bug is gonna end life as we know it at midnight. And for the Haskins, life as they know it takes on a whole new meaning as they’ve been abducted by in-bred hillbillies for breeding purposes (no lifeguard on duty at this gene pool). Oh yeah – there’s also a giant, 1,000 year-old mutant bug creature that just crawled out of the forest floor. And if it couldn’t get any worse, the hillbillies stink really bad and there are no clean rest rooms for miles.

Millennium BugWith a monster bug on the loose, the inbreds and their refined social skills are a bonus to a story that would’ve made more sense over a decade ago. But really, a movie about a giant insect is timeless and doesn’t need anything other than a few screamers to chow down and trees to pee on. No script, no dialogue, no marquee actors, just screaming and peeing.

Millennium BugThe Millennium Bug, an upcoming independent horror movie, sports a fairly impressive monster with teeth the size of whale ribs and razor-sharp claws designed for peel ’n eat people. Where did the this bug come from? How did it breathe under the ground for 1,000 years without getting dirt and pinecones in its nose? Does it even have a nose, or does it breathe through its butt? Do hillbillies taste as good as citybillies, or are they more gamey and tangy?

All these questions that can only be answered by going to see The Millennium Bug in person. So hey, if you’re going, can I get a ride? I call shotgun.

Millennium Bug

Elvira’s Double Features

Posted in Classic Horror, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , on April 9, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Movie MacabreDo you have one of those antique TVs that don’t get the sub-channels, which show tons of crappy re-runs of ’70s television shows or Elvira’s return to Movie Macabre? Me, too. But now I can quit crying like a little schoolgirl that’s been bitten by a zombie because Elvira, busting out with a whole line of new products, is releasing Elvira’s Movie Macabre Double Feature DVDs. And the first two movies with her signature wraparounds and Valley Girl witticisms, is the immortal Night of the Living Dead (1968) and the cruelly misleading I Eat Your Skin (1964).

Movie Macabre

Night of the Living Dead, while not even close to being the first movie about the dead coming back to life, is about the dead coming back to life and eating the skin of the living.

I Eat Your Skin is about African zombies who, once turned into the undead, have sunny side up egg eyes and don’t eat anyone’s skin. That’s total bullsh*t.

Movie MacabreElvira’s next two double features (no, not her double features) is The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973) paired with The Werewolf of Washington (1973). If you haven’t seen it, The Werewolf of Washington is one of the funniest horror movies ever made that wasn’t intended to be a comedy. (The werewolf actually sniffs a dwarf’s butt. The dwarf loses it and laughs. It wasn’t in the script. Hippies call this “just going with it, man.”)

In case you have to see everything zombie, check out the animated Night of the Living Dead in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies by clicking HERE. I used to like rabbits, but not after seeing this. Those once cute fuzzy footballs are downright grim.

 

X – Erotic Horror That’ll Stiffen You Up

Posted in Scream Queens with tags on April 8, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

XIt’s arguable that prostitution is the world’s oldest profession. While it may be eco-sustainable, has no ceiling on profit potential and is recession-proof, I’m pretty sure caveman polishing has been around longer.

Regardless, IFC Midnight is releasing X, a “sizzling thriller about love, chance, escape and the oldest profession in the world, as experienced by two beautiful women on one ugly night that will change their lives forever.” X’s sultry story of a jaded call-girl, a fledgling hooker, and the night from Hell has entertainment value written all over it.

Color me intrigued.

With one last shift laying down on the job, Holly Rowe, a retiring call girl, hooks (sorry) up with Shay Ryan, a teen prostitute who is trying to get through her first night on the job. (Unsolicited advice: pretend you’re working at the carnival and are one of the rides. Just make sure all park patrons have balloons, if you get my drift.) Their tag team assignment “goes horribly wrong and they’re trapped on an out-of-control roller coaster ride through the Twilight Zone of sex-for-sale.”

I favor out-of-control roller coasters as it applies to hookers, so still colored intrigued.

Since X is being marketed to the horror crowd, I assume there will be blood, some sort of parasitic bug that crawls into/out of a gaping orifice, screaming and (there better be) rampant nudity.

This educational film starts today (April 8th, 2011) in select theaters (everywhere except ones I go to), and will be available nationwide on demand from IFC Midnight, via Comcast, Cox, Cablevision, Time Warner, and Bright House starting April 13th, 2011.

Time to polish the caveman.

Wake Wood Wakes The Dead

Posted in Zombies with tags on April 7, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wake WoodThere are at least two definitions for Wake Wood, one of which is a the title of a horror movie about a resurrected dead girl coming out June 28, 2011. And since this is a family horror movie blog, I’ll defer to your parents as to the other definition. Ahem.

Wake Wood

The Wake Wood that doesn’t need explaining is about a young girl who gets torn into confetti by a dog. He probably thought she was a steak bone that smelled like Hello Kitty™.

This goons out the parents who move to the small Irish town of Wake Wood to fall back and regroup. When they get there, they’re told of a pagan ritual that will bring their kid back from the dead for just three days. Hardly enough time for her to do some chores and clean her room. Still, the grieving parents cross that God line and now have to “deal with the ramifications of her resurrection.”

I liked this better when it was Pet Sematary (1989).

Pet Sematary