Archive for March, 2011

Go Ask Alyce

Posted in Scream Queens with tags on March 24, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AlyceAlyce is the title of the upcoming “ultra-gritty psychological thriller” about a girl who accidentally(!) knocks her best friend off a roof. I’m not sure, but I think there’s more to the plot, though I’m fine with just this.

Apparently Alyce, consumed by guilt, “delves into a brutal nightmare wonderland of sex, drugs and violence, her mind tearing itself apart…along with anyone else who gets in her way.” Well, heck, this thing just keeps getting better!

Sounds like an emo version of Alice in Wonderland (1903), which along with The Wizard of Oz (1939), are the two best drug movies ever made (with apologies to Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke/1978).

Alyce Prom DressesAlyce is also the name of a designer prom dress company, who make stunning outfits that range from fun and flirty to short and sweet. The attention to design detail, with an array of unique fabrics, help to make you look understated and elegant. The colors and the materials of the 2011 Alyce Prom Dresses collection ooze luxury from every seam.

If I was a chick I’d totally buy one of these sweet ensembles, which run anywhere from $250 to $400. Then again, if I was a chick, I’d probably spend most of my time feeling myself up.

Ice, Ice, Baby: Snowbeast Rocks

Posted in Bigfoot with tags on March 23, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

SnowbeastHe’s the hardest working man in snow business. Clearly someone who really likes what he does for a living (ripping the arms off people and then eating their face), Snowbeast has been conducting winter games as far back as 1954 (The Snow Creature), and headlining a half dozen more since. And not once has anyone been able to permanently kick Snowbeast in the ice hole.

SnowbeastThe self-titled Snowbeast, released in 1977, finds our seasonal friend ripping the arms off people who dare tread on his tundra. Their faces were eaten. 2011’s Snowbeast, his latest star vehicle, finds our seasonal friend ripping the arms off people who dare tread on his tundra. Yep, their faces will be eaten. It’s a formula that works. Hey, if it’s not broken, why fix it?

SnowbeastBut don’t take my word for it – here are the official plots…

SNOWBEAST (1977): A Colorado ski resort is besieged by a sub-human beast that commits brutal murders on the slopes.

SNOWBEAST (2011): A research team studies the Canadian Lynx every winter. But the lynx are missing. As the team try to find why, something stalks them – a predator no prey can escape.

SnowbeastSure, Snowbeast looks like an albino gorilla wearing a monkey suit. That’s just to lure you into a false sense of security so he can rip your arms off. If you don’t know what happens next, put down this e-book and go to your room.

SnowbeastThis sort of behavior could best be described as abominable and… Hey, that sounds like another cool name for Snowbeast! I’ll have to copyright it as I’m 100% sure no one’s thought of it before. I’m gonna be stinkin’ rich!

Age of Dragons

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on March 22, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Age of DragonsFire-breathing dragons are more than just heavy metal seagulls raised on Motorhead and drugs. They’re an integral part of the earth’s fragile ecosystem, ridding the landscape of smug humans who make stink wherever they go. And their droppings make for great garden mulch, yielding bumper crops of eye-pleasing sticker bushes and rag weed.

So there’s a modicum of pee-shiver excitement over Age of Dragons, an upcoming horror fantasy that’s a re-telling of Moby Dick, with a guy scarred by the great white dragon (turned half his face into a waffle), and his crazy talk plan to clean the sky of that fertilizer-making demon once and for all.

Age of DragonsThe movie’s website promises that “it’s unlike any dragon you’ve seen before.” I don’t mean to be a nay saying douche here, but that’s a grand proclamation that’s gonna have to do some serious stepping up. First, you need to make the dragons as cool, if not better than the ones in Reign of Fire (2002), as well as the remarkable Dragonslayer, which came out in 1981 and didn’t have computers to bring the monster to life. (They used magic, and because it was used for good, that was OK.)

Age of DragonsJudging from the movie trailer, the dragon does look pretty cool, although the characters aren’t very believable. Everyone – except Waffle Face –looks like they stepped out of an Axe™ Body Spray commercial, with the lead chick so gorgeous, you almost don’t care that she has hair under her arms. (I’ve often traveled back in time, and believe me, chicks back then, while fairly easy, look like career homeless people.) And for the record, toothbrushes didn’t exist back in the age of dragons, so how come everyone has a Pepsodent™ smile? I can believe in fire-breathing dragons. I cannot, however, put my unconditional faith in a period piece where the rules of dental hygiene are upheld.

So yeah, I’ll still go see the movie. But every time someone smiles/grimaces, I’ll roll my eyes in disgust.

Zombie Defense Poster

Posted in Zombies with tags on March 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie DefenseA great zombie defense poster or “infographic” designed by Mitchell Hatch at BeHance. Looks like Mitch did his undead homework as all the zombie defense methods are proven fact as opposed to tree-hugging theories.

I’d like to submit a few of my own zombie repellent techniques, honed and refined over years of battling the living dead…

PEANUT BUTTER: Smear a jar of Skippy’s Extra-CrunchyPeanut Butter on a zombie, then sit back and watch bears, rats and grade-schoolers tear ’em apart.

WATER BALLOONS: Fill ’em with pee instead of water, then throw them – carefully – at zombies. For even greater results, eat a bunch of asparagus and wash it down with Mickey’ Big Mouth™ beer and wait until you have enough in your bladder for at least a half-dozen balloons. How you get the pee into the balloons is strictly dealer’s choice.

SHREDDED WHEAT: Cover yourself in Shredded Wheat™ cereal and then stand next to empty cartons of milk. No one living or dead on the planet will eat dry Shredded Wheat without milk. Not even birds.

TANK: Get in one and run over zombies. Pretty darn effective.

SHAVING CREAM: While zombies are sleeping, spray some shaving cream in their hands and then tickle their nose. Then try to keep from LOL-ing when the zombies goes to scratch their nose in their sleep and gets a face full of Gillette Shaving Cream™ (with aloe for sensitive skin). Not really a deterrent – more for fun than anything.

Mutated Bears, Frozen Aliens, The Walking Dead

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , on March 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fro DesignsHis name is Fernando Fro Reza, but you can call him Fro. Not “To and Fro” or “Frodo,” simply Fro. Living in Los Angeles and working as a graphic designer, Fro’s bio is as succinct as his name: “I’m Fro. I’m a graphic artist/web designer from Los Angeles.”

I couldn’t have said it better.

And the stunningly badass designs are as memorable as this man who calls himself Fro. Illustrating a seemingly endless series on movies and designs based on lines from famous novels (that’s so cool as to be, like, double cool), Fro has been commissioned by the movie website C.H.U.D.com to do a new poster a month. In their words, “Some of these will be great movies. Some will be horrible movies. Some unsung classics. Some pretty obvious flicks. The end result is that when this man graces them with his eye, they’re all unified in their delightfulness.”

Delightfulness. I hereby commit to use that word more often.

Fro DesignsThe samples here only hint at the delightfulness of Fro’s vision, from the beautifully stark Walking Dead poster (dead people walking around), and his interpretations of The Thing (deadly alien discovered in ice – then ice melts), to a fresh take on horror sub-classics as The Prophecy (grizzly bear mutated by pollution eats campers in sleeping bags, kinda like human Hot Pockets™) to The Manitou (400 year-old demonic Indian shaman growing out of the back of some chick. Must’ve been that time of the month.) And Fro goes even deeper, with renditions of Star Wars, The Dark Knight, Inception and Lost, each carrying Fro’s signature blend of delightfulness.

Fro DesignsYes, you can buy these posters. Most are around the delightfully low price of $25. And I believe Fro signs them with his own name. (Makes sense when you think about it.)

Visit C.H.U.D.com or Fro’s own website, FroDesignCo.com., and marvel at this man’s artistic range. You WILL be filled with (wait for it) delightfulness.

I do love me some new word learnin’.

Fro Design

Press [REC] To Record Flesh-Eating

Posted in Zombies with tags on March 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

[REC]As zombies go, the Spanish-made [REC] franchise is right up there with the Night of/Dawn of/Day of/Land of/Diary of/Survival of the living deads. And let us not discount Zombie Rodeo II through VIII. (The first one sucked goo and shouldn’t count. I made those myself and had limited distribution (my neighborhood), so don’t freak the hell out if you think an entire undead series got by you.)

Because the cultural popularity of zombies is still skin-munchingly topical, [REC], released in 2007, has gone viral with several sequels, the third of which, [REC] Apocalypse, due out in 2012. Good thing they’re waiting until then to release – you wouldn’t want to dilute the market. Ahem.

[REC][REC] was a satisfyingly brutal and relentless zombie flick that turned the fixed-income residents of an entire aging apartment building into fixed-income face-eaters. The CDC seals off the building and the military threatens to shoot anyone trying to get out with chunks of yummy skin hanging out of their mouths

[REC] 2 followed in 2009 with the military going in to the apartment building to “assess the threat level.” Zombie infestation trumps armed forces. It’s in the rules, man. Screaming, shooting and mouthfuls of yummy skin ensues.

[REC] 3: Genesis, not released as of right of this moment, has the action going down outside of the apartment building and out in the bright sunlight. (Infection + unchecked spreading = good times), Judging from the trailer, it looked like a good day to mow the lawn. A clever twist ties the skin-munching back to the first two movies.

[REC]The producers of [REC] Apocalypse haven’t as yet called me on my special hotline to tell me what this one is about. This gives me legal license to speculate. Hence, the zombie infection has spread throughout the world and a small band of survivors argue amongst themselves as the undead chomp closer. One of them will get bitten and it’ll become an emotional issue to shoot him/her in the face so they won’t walk the Earth as a stink zombie. All will have machine guns and several will run out of ammunition and their delicious skin eaten sushi style. Some survive, but will somehow find the strength to go on.

They should have me write this sh*t.

P.S. The term [REC] refers to the record button on a video camera, not rec as in “rec da house.”

Scare Your Seat Off

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on March 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scare ChairDon’t know who made this chair, what the chair costs, why they made the chair, and where you’d buy a lamp to match this chair. All I know is I must have it.

Think of the fun you could have with door-to-door salesmen or Jehovah Witnesses, to say nothing of spirited Tupperware™ parties. Just invite ’em in, offer them the intestine chair and watch the hilarity unfold. I’ll state it here and now – this piece of furniture is at least twice as cool as a Whoopee Cushion™. And I own many, including the hard-to-find Ass Blaster Series™ (made in Korea).

Franken ChairIf exposed stuffing is not to your taste (wuss), may I suggest the Franken Chair, a limited edition butt soother from Artwork Ltd Edition in the UK. Designed by Paul Karslake and limited to 25 worldwide, this thing will scare the stool outta you – if not the design, but the $7,000 price tag.

Available through WishInteriors.com, who also sell beds that the brides of Dracula might fancy, they design custom couches, tables and ornate mirrors (which the brides of Dracula have no use for). The Frankenstein’s Monster image (guys, did you get permission to use it?) is printed on real leather, just like the skin of the creature himself. Can you imagine if the Monster bought this chair? He’d be able to sit on his own face. How rock is that?