Archive for March, 2011

Zombie Defense Poster

Posted in Zombies with tags on March 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie DefenseA great zombie defense poster or “infographic” designed by Mitchell Hatch at BeHance. Looks like Mitch did his undead homework as all the zombie defense methods are proven fact as opposed to tree-hugging theories.

I’d like to submit a few of my own zombie repellent techniques, honed and refined over years of battling the living dead…

PEANUT BUTTER: Smear a jar of Skippy’s Extra-CrunchyPeanut Butter on a zombie, then sit back and watch bears, rats and grade-schoolers tear ’em apart.

WATER BALLOONS: Fill ’em with pee instead of water, then throw them – carefully – at zombies. For even greater results, eat a bunch of asparagus and wash it down with Mickey’ Big Mouth™ beer and wait until you have enough in your bladder for at least a half-dozen balloons. How you get the pee into the balloons is strictly dealer’s choice.

SHREDDED WHEAT: Cover yourself in Shredded Wheat™ cereal and then stand next to empty cartons of milk. No one living or dead on the planet will eat dry Shredded Wheat without milk. Not even birds.

TANK: Get in one and run over zombies. Pretty darn effective.

SHAVING CREAM: While zombies are sleeping, spray some shaving cream in their hands and then tickle their nose. Then try to keep from LOL-ing when the zombies goes to scratch their nose in their sleep and gets a face full of Gillette Shaving Cream™ (with aloe for sensitive skin). Not really a deterrent – more for fun than anything.

Mutated Bears, Frozen Aliens, The Walking Dead

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , on March 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fro DesignsHis name is Fernando Fro Reza, but you can call him Fro. Not “To and Fro” or “Frodo,” simply Fro. Living in Los Angeles and working as a graphic designer, Fro’s bio is as succinct as his name: “I’m Fro. I’m a graphic artist/web designer from Los Angeles.”

I couldn’t have said it better.

And the stunningly badass designs are as memorable as this man who calls himself Fro. Illustrating a seemingly endless series on movies and designs based on lines from famous novels (that’s so cool as to be, like, double cool), Fro has been commissioned by the movie website C.H.U.D.com to do a new poster a month. In their words, “Some of these will be great movies. Some will be horrible movies. Some unsung classics. Some pretty obvious flicks. The end result is that when this man graces them with his eye, they’re all unified in their delightfulness.”

Delightfulness. I hereby commit to use that word more often.

Fro DesignsThe samples here only hint at the delightfulness of Fro’s vision, from the beautifully stark Walking Dead poster (dead people walking around), and his interpretations of The Thing (deadly alien discovered in ice – then ice melts), to a fresh take on horror sub-classics as The Prophecy (grizzly bear mutated by pollution eats campers in sleeping bags, kinda like human Hot Pockets™) to The Manitou (400 year-old demonic Indian shaman growing out of the back of some chick. Must’ve been that time of the month.) And Fro goes even deeper, with renditions of Star Wars, The Dark Knight, Inception and Lost, each carrying Fro’s signature blend of delightfulness.

Fro DesignsYes, you can buy these posters. Most are around the delightfully low price of $25. And I believe Fro signs them with his own name. (Makes sense when you think about it.)

Visit C.H.U.D.com or Fro’s own website, FroDesignCo.com., and marvel at this man’s artistic range. You WILL be filled with (wait for it) delightfulness.

I do love me some new word learnin’.

Fro Design

Press [REC] To Record Flesh-Eating

Posted in Zombies with tags on March 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

[REC]As zombies go, the Spanish-made [REC] franchise is right up there with the Night of/Dawn of/Day of/Land of/Diary of/Survival of the living deads. And let us not discount Zombie Rodeo II through VIII. (The first one sucked goo and shouldn’t count. I made those myself and had limited distribution (my neighborhood), so don’t freak the hell out if you think an entire undead series got by you.)

Because the cultural popularity of zombies is still skin-munchingly topical, [REC], released in 2007, has gone viral with several sequels, the third of which, [REC] Apocalypse, due out in 2012. Good thing they’re waiting until then to release – you wouldn’t want to dilute the market. Ahem.

[REC][REC] was a satisfyingly brutal and relentless zombie flick that turned the fixed-income residents of an entire aging apartment building into fixed-income face-eaters. The CDC seals off the building and the military threatens to shoot anyone trying to get out with chunks of yummy skin hanging out of their mouths

[REC] 2 followed in 2009 with the military going in to the apartment building to “assess the threat level.” Zombie infestation trumps armed forces. It’s in the rules, man. Screaming, shooting and mouthfuls of yummy skin ensues.

[REC] 3: Genesis, not released as of right of this moment, has the action going down outside of the apartment building and out in the bright sunlight. (Infection + unchecked spreading = good times), Judging from the trailer, it looked like a good day to mow the lawn. A clever twist ties the skin-munching back to the first two movies.

[REC]The producers of [REC] Apocalypse haven’t as yet called me on my special hotline to tell me what this one is about. This gives me legal license to speculate. Hence, the zombie infection has spread throughout the world and a small band of survivors argue amongst themselves as the undead chomp closer. One of them will get bitten and it’ll become an emotional issue to shoot him/her in the face so they won’t walk the Earth as a stink zombie. All will have machine guns and several will run out of ammunition and their delicious skin eaten sushi style. Some survive, but will somehow find the strength to go on.

They should have me write this sh*t.

P.S. The term [REC] refers to the record button on a video camera, not rec as in “rec da house.”

Scare Your Seat Off

Posted in Classic Horror with tags on March 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scare ChairDon’t know who made this chair, what the chair costs, why they made the chair, and where you’d buy a lamp to match this chair. All I know is I must have it.

Think of the fun you could have with door-to-door salesmen or Jehovah Witnesses, to say nothing of spirited Tupperware™ parties. Just invite ’em in, offer them the intestine chair and watch the hilarity unfold. I’ll state it here and now – this piece of furniture is at least twice as cool as a Whoopee Cushion™. And I own many, including the hard-to-find Ass Blaster Series™ (made in Korea).

Franken ChairIf exposed stuffing is not to your taste (wuss), may I suggest the Franken Chair, a limited edition butt soother from Artwork Ltd Edition in the UK. Designed by Paul Karslake and limited to 25 worldwide, this thing will scare the stool outta you – if not the design, but the $7,000 price tag.

Available through WishInteriors.com, who also sell beds that the brides of Dracula might fancy, they design custom couches, tables and ornate mirrors (which the brides of Dracula have no use for). The Frankenstein’s Monster image (guys, did you get permission to use it?) is printed on real leather, just like the skin of the creature himself. Can you imagine if the Monster bought this chair? He’d be able to sit on his own face. How rock is that?

Tentacles Are A Girl’s Best Friend

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on March 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Corrupted, InfectionTwo more entries in the Ornate Orifice Series in which several new movies take average, run of the mill supermodels and gives them wiggly tentacles that shoot out their mouths.

Besides giving the impression both film companies have come up short in the idea department, wouldn’t the tentacles be more appropriate if they were located south of the belly button? At least that way you’d already well on your way to third base before a body part gets twisted off. To have icky tentacles, which are likely the cause of halitosis, blossoming out of the supermodel’s mouths gives you plenty of warning not to go there. Then again, eight beers, a shot or two, and some stimulating conversation about which bowling ball polish works best, and any octopus face woman starts looking like something date-worthy.

Infection: The Invasion Begins (2010) revolves around a small town that was wiped off the face of the Earth on September 9, 2009. It was if God himself used some serious two-ply on ’em. I don’t know anything about the town, but they probably deserved it, those a-holes. Sixty(!) years later, the only survivor, reveals what really happened, and that is The Modern Plague. (This is either non-alcoholic beer, politicians or both.)

In The Corrupted (2011), a supermodel walks out of the ocean wearing an environmentally appropriate micro bikini. She approaches a young recovering junkie dude playing something in the key of emo on an acoustic guitar. The chords sound like self-pity and he needs to be slapped. The woman says she wants to show him something. Advice to emo junkie: put the guitar down and go with the moment, even if she has tentacle breath. You’ll just think you’re having a relapse.

Tentacle Mouth

Horror To Scream At

Posted in Aliens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , on March 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Days of Darkness, Dead ToneI’m endlessly fascinated by the horror genre’s unapologetic tactic of begging, borrowing and stealing from their own brethren. While we’ve seen countless examples of Asylum Studio’s bold-face movie larceny (their lawyers must be swimming in money ponds), the time-dishonored method of taking a successful formula and running it into the ground, all in the name of the Holy Dollar, has been going on since horror and sci-fi began rotting the world from inside out. Just the offspring alone from Alien (1979), Halloween (1978) and Psycho (1960, which begat Butts 3: Double Occupancy in 1989) are enough to clog up video store sewers for decades to come.

There is no honor among thieves, with movie studios boldly stealing everything from plots and titles, to monsters and, curiously, each other’s advertising. Take for example the one-sheets for Dead Tone and Days of Darkness, both with different story lines (serial prank phone killer/alien zombie embryos in your penis), though both being released in 2007. Coincidence? The marketing is so close as to be born from the same womb tomb. (I turned the Days of Darkness poster on its side as an illustrative example. My blog, my rules.) It looks like the same guy freaking his guts out. Even if it isn’t, it’s still too uncomfortably similar, like jock itch versus painful rectal itch.

The ScreamAnd since we’re putting it all on the table here, both movies steal nakedly from expressionist artist Edvard Munich’sThe Scream,” painted in 1893 – 114 years before Dead Tone and Days of Darkness. Coincidence? (My exhaustive, couch-fueled research reveals that “The Scream” was inspired by a serial killing zombie werewolf that hunts dumbass college students with alien-infected penises and eats their low-cal brains. I’m right about this, you know.)

 

Beach Creature Is A Son Of A Beach

Posted in Nature Gone Wild with tags on March 14, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beach CreatureIf you’re thinking about going to Indonesia to scope out all the supermodels scattered around the poorly named Virgin Beach like land mermaids, then plan on having your arm and leg meat eaten off as well. Not that the water is so polluted it’ll dissolve your skin; there’s a Jenglot in the surf. And it seems to like arm and leg sandwiches.

Beach CreatureA Jenglot is a mythical protector of the poorly named Virgin Beach. So when throngs of thongs show up to party, the Jenglot kills a lot, shredding skin while supermodels shed their morals. Yeah, I’m thinkin’ Piranha 3-D knock-off, too.

The movie where all of this takes place is called Jenglot Pantai Selatan. If you’re not as yet up to Indonesian Language 101/Lesson 9, that translates to Beach Creature. I like that – direct, to the point, no dicking around. Beach Creature came out in its home country last February, so we’re expecting the DVD to swim ashore any day now.

Beach CreatureFrom the movie’s website: “The Jenglot is a type of mysterious vampire-like creature of Indonesian mythology. Described as a living, creepy mummy with flesh that appears to be fossilized, said to be about 15cm to 20cm length, with staring eyes and long nails and joined feet.” Sounds like a few of the guys I regularly get drunk with. They don’t start out that way, though.

Jenglot or not, the trailer for the poorly named Virgin Beach [click HERE] looks like THE place to throw down a towel and watch a veritable parade of supermodels walking by while pretending to ignore you. Lay on your stomach unless you want to be totally obvious.

Beach Creature

A British Werewolf In London

Posted in Werewolves with tags on March 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Furred ManA guy dresses up like a werewolf and goes into the woods to take a dump. Then, after using various leaves and fronds to clean himself, he sets about to lure campers to his campsite. Then a real werewolf shows up. How embarrassing. If you could see the guy under the wolf costume, I bet his cheeks are red. His face, too. People are shredded like wheat/pork and the police think the costumed guy did it. I can see why as his suit, now covered in evidence gunk on both the inside and out, paints a fairly convincing picture of full on guiltiness. (That better be a real word.)

Except for the dumping/wiping part I threw in there because I can, a clever premise for the British-made horror comedy The Furred Man, finished in 2010 and making a few more rounds on the film festival circuit before becoming available in this part of the woods. Those paying attention were already able to see it since last February on 4oD, Britain’s Channel Four on-demand video service. Blimey.

The Furred ManIf you live in/on/near Athens, Greece, you can see The Furred Man at Athens International Sci-Fi & Fantasy Festival right now. (Too far away for me to even think about going.) Alternatively, you can catch the movie at the Faux Film Festival this April (2011, duh) in Portland, Oregon. (I live about three hour’s drive from there. Could be do-able.) Or you can stand in the rain this June to get into The Reel Short Film Festival in Seattle, WA. (I live in Seattle, so BULLS-EYE, though I do like Portland. They have nice buildings ’n stuff.)

The Furred ManThe Furred Man has already won a ton of film festival awards, including Best Sci-Fi/Horror Film (The Dam Short Film Festival, Nevada), Best Film Audience Award (University of Television & Film Munich Film Festival, Germany) and Best Horror Short (International Sci-Fi & Horror Film Festival, Arizona). Scoring 18 awards, clearly the critics pre-fur The Furred Man. (C’mon, that was funny. Cut me some slack. You try and do better with a Defcon 4 hangover.)

If you go see The Furred Man, best not to sit in front of me, as I tend to yell at the screen with my mouth full of artificial popcorn, healthy movie theater hot dogs, wallet-crippling red vines, teeth-chipping peanut M&Ms™ and life-sustaining Diet Coke™. And don’t sit behind me, either, as that goons me out.

Double Your Giant Turtle Pleasure

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters with tags , on March 12, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GameraGodzilla’s been getting a lot of internet buzz these days, what with him getting a re-boot and his own reality show. But until he goes all American Idol on us, it’s Gamera’s turn to shine.

A 200-foot turtle with tank-perforating tusks and the ability to shoot fire out of his ass chimney, Gamera struts his shell in the Shout! Factory DVD double-release, Gamera Vs. Zigra and Gamera: Super Monster, arriving March 15, 2011.

Gamera

In Gamera Vs. Zigra (1971), our Earth-biased hero defends the undeserving population from Zigra, a monster from outer space that looks like a cross between a parrot and a can opener. Fact: Zigra’s face can easily loosen a stuck lid from a jar of mayonnaise. Zigra’s other skills is that he can talk (!), morph into an underwater shark thingamajig, and inhabit the bodies of Earth women. (I’ve been trying to do that for years with little success.) Zigra, the bully, attacked our defenseless moon, and now want to enslave the entire human race. Kinda redundant given that we’re all pretty much enslaved as is.

GameraIn Gamera: Super Monster (1980), Gamera teams with a club of space women (calling themselves Spacewomen), and resists a personal affront lobbied by Zanon, who, as if it needs to be said, is f*cking evil. This movie, while not one of Gamera’s best (it’s more or less a compilation of his greatest hits), does feature every monster he ever fought, from that butthook Gyaos, to Zigra, Guiron, Barugon, and Jiger (rhymes with “tiger” and not pronounced like jigger, as in “jigger of sweet, refreshing booze.”)

Mind you, these are the monsters Gamera’s scrunched up to 1980, and doesn’t include Super Gyaos, Legion, Symbiotic Legion, Iris/Irys, Hyper Gyaos (a regular Gyaos all hopped up on Monster™ Energy Drink and crystal meth), or Zedus, who beat the soup out of G in Gamera The Brave (2006).

GameraI’m pretty sure it’s Gamera who gets me home safely after last call (at least that’s what I tell the cops), so I owe it to him to buy his new DVD and possibly a jigger of sweet, refreshing booze. That, and he does a really good job of keeping Gyaos out of my garbage cans. (Why does Gyaos have to be such a raging butthole all the time? Geez.)

The Exorcist Tapes: Been There, Possessed That.

Posted in Evil with tags on March 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcist Tapes

World famous rip-off artists The Asylum have done it again, this time riding on waves of “homemade-in-a-stomach” split-pea soup, with the release of Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes, pulling a carpe diem on the current spate/spit of demon possession horror flicks. And for the record, Asylum is double-dipping, having already released Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers, back in 2006. In an ironic twist, Asylum are ripping off themselves. Now they know what it feels like.

These two movies, along with the German exorcism film Requiem (2006) predictably enough, are based on “true events,” centering on the real life Anneliese Michel who was famously (and unsuccessfully) exorcised back in the ’70s, which went to trial and became the basis for The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005). If you don’t get easily creeped out enough to make yellow in your pantaloons, you can see a YouTube™ slide show and hear the actual exorcism, as well as Anneliese’s demon gutter talk, by clicking HERE. (Note: It ain’t nothing you aren’t already hearing at heavy metal vomit party round table discussions.)

Exorcist Tapes

DreadCentral.com had the best take on Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes, advising us to “avoid this one like a hooker with a scorching case of herpes.” Says DC, “What we have here is sh*t, poo, crap, excrement, and brown biscuits. All this flick is, is a shoddily assembled direct-to-video farce using elements from three cameras (one of which appears to be an HD camcorder, so the makers of this mess must have transcended the space-time continuum), with your usual cast of people who can’t act, working from a script you can’t buy, pulling tricks out of The Exorcist playbook that you won’t care about. Nothing works. Nada, nil, zero, donut land.”

I’ll heed Dread Central’s review, but I have to admit, I am intrigued about this so-called “Donut Land” they speak of. I shall journey to the depths of Hell to find it. And may God have mercy on my soul if I do.