Age of Dragons

Age of DragonsFire-breathing dragons are more than just heavy metal seagulls raised on Motorhead and drugs. They’re an integral part of the earth’s fragile ecosystem, ridding the landscape of smug humans who make stink wherever they go. And their droppings make for great garden mulch, yielding bumper crops of eye-pleasing sticker bushes and rag weed.

So there’s a modicum of pee-shiver excitement over Age of Dragons, an upcoming horror fantasy that’s a re-telling of Moby Dick, with a guy scarred by the great white dragon (turned half his face into a waffle), and his crazy talk plan to clean the sky of that fertilizer-making demon once and for all.

Age of DragonsThe movie’s website promises that “it’s unlike any dragon you’ve seen before.” I don’t mean to be a nay saying douche here, but that’s a grand proclamation that’s gonna have to do some serious stepping up. First, you need to make the dragons as cool, if not better than the ones in Reign of Fire (2002), as well as the remarkable Dragonslayer, which came out in 1981 and didn’t have computers to bring the monster to life. (They used magic, and because it was used for good, that was OK.)

Age of DragonsJudging from the movie trailer, the dragon does look pretty cool, although the characters aren’t very believable. Everyone – except Waffle Face –looks like they stepped out of an Axe™ Body Spray commercial, with the lead chick so gorgeous, you almost don’t care that she has hair under her arms. (I’ve often traveled back in time, and believe me, chicks back then, while fairly easy, look like career homeless people.) And for the record, toothbrushes didn’t exist back in the age of dragons, so how come everyone has a Pepsodent™ smile? I can believe in fire-breathing dragons. I cannot, however, put my unconditional faith in a period piece where the rules of dental hygiene are upheld.

So yeah, I’ll still go see the movie. But every time someone smiles/grimaces, I’ll roll my eyes in disgust.

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