Double Your Giant Turtle Pleasure

GameraGodzilla’s been getting a lot of internet buzz these days, what with him getting a re-boot and his own reality show. But until he goes all American Idol on us, it’s Gamera’s turn to shine.

A 200-foot turtle with tank-perforating tusks and the ability to shoot fire out of his ass chimney, Gamera struts his shell in the Shout! Factory DVD double-release, Gamera Vs. Zigra and Gamera: Super Monster, arriving March 15, 2011.

Gamera

In Gamera Vs. Zigra (1971), our Earth-biased hero defends the undeserving population from Zigra, a monster from outer space that looks like a cross between a parrot and a can opener. Fact: Zigra’s face can easily loosen a stuck lid from a jar of mayonnaise. Zigra’s other skills is that he can talk (!), morph into an underwater shark thingamajig, and inhabit the bodies of Earth women. (I’ve been trying to do that for years with little success.) Zigra, the bully, attacked our defenseless moon, and now want to enslave the entire human race. Kinda redundant given that we’re all pretty much enslaved as is.

GameraIn Gamera: Super Monster (1980), Gamera teams with a club of space women (calling themselves Spacewomen), and resists a personal affront lobbied by Zanon, who, as if it needs to be said, is f*cking evil. This movie, while not one of Gamera’s best (it’s more or less a compilation of his greatest hits), does feature every monster he ever fought, from that butthook Gyaos, to Zigra, Guiron, Barugon, and Jiger (rhymes with “tiger” and not pronounced like jigger, as in “jigger of sweet, refreshing booze.”)

Mind you, these are the monsters Gamera’s scrunched up to 1980, and doesn’t include Super Gyaos, Legion, Symbiotic Legion, Iris/Irys, Hyper Gyaos (a regular Gyaos all hopped up on Monster™ Energy Drink and crystal meth), or Zedus, who beat the soup out of G in Gamera The Brave (2006).

GameraI’m pretty sure it’s Gamera who gets me home safely after last call (at least that’s what I tell the cops), so I owe it to him to buy his new DVD and possibly a jigger of sweet, refreshing booze. That, and he does a really good job of keeping Gyaos out of my garbage cans. (Why does Gyaos have to be such a raging butthole all the time? Geez.)

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