Archive for February, 2011

Ultimate Fighting Werewolves

Posted in Werewolves with tags on February 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GrowlIt’s werewolves versus UFC-styled groin-punchers in the upcoming Growl. Kinda like The Fight Club, but with way fewer rules, meaning if you’re a werewolf, face-eating is allowed. And if you’re a UFC fighter, kicking anything above or below the belt is also OK – only if you can find a belt on a werewolf.

You’d think this would be all that’s needed to make this movie. As it turns out, there seems to be an actual plot involving an underground fight club who call themselves The Brawlers (mostly because it sounds cool).

These meat-for-brains meet up to beat up some weirdo family in a Colorado Rockies ghost town. But the Brawlers are soon to become bawlers when the family, who invited them to fight, turn out to be a clan of werewolves. That’s kinda cheating, but as mentioned, no rules, man. Besides, werewolves will think you’re a wuss if you start crying over having your chest ripped open. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

Maybe they’re not werewolves, but bears. Growl is situated in the Colorado Rockies, were bears pretty much hang out, eat campers and pollute the river water that’s used to make Coors Light™.

A bear

 

I Saw The Devil: Horror Movie Or Guilt By Association?

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil with tags , on February 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Saw The DevilSeems like the Devil is always getting a bad rap, the go-to scapegoat for a wide assortment of reverse good, everything from hidden “go kill stuff” messages in heavy metal music to plagues, which begets zombies, which begets very un-Christian-like behavior. Basically, if it’s an act or action with a seeming basis in evil, then it atuomatically gets thrown in with the Devil laundry. What a white-wash. (No metaphoric pun intended, although it is kinda funny. True, but funny.)

I Saw The DevilTake the new Korean horror movie I Saw The Devil, which uses D’s name quite prominently (and probably without permission) in the title. A killer cuts off the head of the girlfriend of a guy in the National Intelligence Service, and tosses it in the river where kids can find it. Devil made him do it. Distraught to the point of losing his own head, Soo-Hyun, the NIS guy, vows to “inflict pain 1,000 times worse” to the man responsible for his grilfriend’s death. Devil is gonna make him do it. Soo-Hyun tracks down the killer, beats him into Bungeoppang (a pastry made from red bean paste and a fish), and… You know who is making him do it.

I Saw The DevilCertainly – in the case of this horror movie – the “devil” is used as a metaphor for the evil that men do, are capable of doing, and are planning to do at some point in the future. But just once I’d like to see someone possessed by the Devil who helps little old ladies across the street, rescues kittens stuck in trees and pulls little Timmy from the well. Then later, roasts their flesh and makes sandwiches out of  ’em. I already have a script if anyone is interested.

Helldriver: Look Both Ways Before Crossing

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Zombies with tags , , on February 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HelldriverCan’t blame high school hottie Kika for having mommy issues, not after her own mother ripped Kika’s heart out of her chest, held the still-squirting organ (OK, that didn’t sound right) up for all to see, and then laughed. Kika might have been able to get over the heart-ripping part, but to have her mom make gleeful sport of it? And people wonder what has happened to family values.

So what’s a hot high school girl to do but to get an artificial heart, which also powers a chainsaw, and then fight off an army of zombies who are in desperate need of having a chainsaw applied to their wrongness.

HelldriverSo we know what motivates Kika. The zombies, however, are cut from a different kind of skin. Turned into the living dead by a fog that is extraterrestrial in origin, these ghouls have but one goal: eat your buttsteak. Half of Japan is infected, the other half as yet not. Those without face herpes stay somewhat secure behind a giant wall. On the other side is the ultimate heavy metal party, with rampant buttsteak eating and the crossing of street against stop light. It’s a madhouse, I tell you.

Kika’s job, besides looking hot, is to drive around a modified zombie-slicing mobile, kinda like a “Mad Maxine.” She recruits a small team of zombie stoppers and they go in search of Rikka, the zombie queen, whose mobilized undead forces are eating away at Japan’s bottom line.

HelldriverIf you’ve seen splatter rodeos like Machine Girl (2008) and Tokyo Gore Police (2008), Helldriver looks to makes both of those seem like a paintball Tupperware™ party. Just the trailer alone, with hundreds of decapitated heads, arms, and pant-stuffers marinated in geysers of blood, should have you flavor-drooling like the undead.

Helldriver

In a press release, Helldriver filmmaker Yoshihiro Nishimura hopes this will become the “ultimate zombie film.” I can do little more than to wish him well on his quest.

I wonder if Kika is single? We could hook up, make out, and then she could slaughter zombies and cut wood for the fire with her chainsaw, and I could, like, watch ’n stuff.

Argentinian Zombies

Posted in Zombies with tags on February 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

IncidenteThere’s a low-income apartment building loaded with zombies. Not sure if these zombies pay their rent via government-assisted programs, or if most of  ’em are drawing a pension. But the fact remains that, yes, they are zombies and they are the dead next door who will chew your ear off with all the neighborhood gossip. And since zombies are always hungry for body parts, the military is called in because, hey, zombies. Trapped inside is a female news reporter and her camera man who, despite imminent loss of limb, continues to film the carnage.

That’s not the plot, but rather the strikingly similar framework for Incidente, a new Argentinian zombie movie that has the military converging on an abandoned warehouse, the site of 16 murders el numero years ago. Following the gun-laden soldiers into the zombie zone is a female news reporter and her camera man, who document violations of the flesh.

I liked this better when it was called Quarantine (2008). And I liked Quarantine better when it was called [REC] (2007). Taking almost the exact same plot and placing it in a different building and country, Incidente, which, thanks once again to discount internet foreign language courses, translates to Incident, does little more than copy the condo zombies that came before it. And that it was made over the course of three weekends means they spent some quality time dialing in the concept.

[REC], QuarantineBut these aren’t ordinary zombies –they’re actually demons who look like zombies. So how do we know they’re demons? They’ve included a priest with candles who shows up to irritate the stink devils. They were fine until the priest started using his God air freshener all over the place. (Most demons, I’m told, are highly allergic to God air freshener.) Once riled, these demons use your body as clothes. That’s all fine and dandy, but where are you gonna find shoes that match? You’ll end up looking like you were dressed by your demon mom.

IncidenteOne more tire for the zombie movie fire that continues to burn, even though everyone’s getting burned out on the living dead. Just for S’s and G’s, they should have zombies turning up to shoo regular humans out of apartment buildings/warehouses, and when they bite your ass, you turn back to being normal. How sickening would that be? It’d certainly freak me the hell out.

Thanks to the groovy Undead Backbrain for breaking this news story. Do you guys ever sleep?

Japanese Activities For The Paranormal

Posted in Ghosts with tags on February 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo NightI’m confused. There’s Paranormal Activity (2007) and Paranormal Activity 2 (2010). So WTF with Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night? It looks like Japan stole the concept and even the vibe/look, to make a blatant cash-in. Not cool, Japan. Sure, we may have done it to you on frequent ongoing occasions, but that doesn’t give you the right.

So it got me wondering if the story line was the same as well, only using a different language and/or product placement. Here’s what my research turned up: Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night is a sanctioned sequel with input from the original movie’s producers, and has way more shock value than watching people sleep and multiple shots of the pool cleaner. (I counted nine. Now I’m all gooned out by pool cleaners.)

From the movie’s official press release: “As is the tradition of US filmmakers re-working Japanese horror classics to bring them to a wider audience, Toshikazu Nagae has done just the opposite, by taking the bones of Oren Peli’s US horror spectacle, and molding it into his own Japanese sequel, with two bedrooms – and twice the fear!”

Paranormal Activity 2The plot: “The Yamano family lives in a remote area of Tokyo, Japan. With their father away on business, 19 year-old Koichi is left to look after his wheelchair-bound sister Haruka, who has returned to Japan early after surviving a car accident while traveling in America. Soon after Haruka’s return from that states, strange and unexplainable things start to happen in the Yamano home.

As the incidents continue to grow increasingly stranger and more severe, Koichi persuades his sister to set up a video camera to try and capture them on film. What Koichi discovers is beyond anything he could have ever imagined and, as the situations intensify, a terrible fact is revealed.”

I totally bet the terrible fact is their dad wearing a sheet and scaring the futon stuffing out of his own family for some reason related to a brief clue early on in the film. Just thinkin’ out loud here. It could be a real ghost that flies around, crapping on the family while they sleep. What could be more horrifying than to have that happen?

Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night arrives on DVD in our stores on March 7, 2011. You’ve already seen most of it. My advice is to tough it out to the end, and then go about your daily paranormal activities.

 

A Taste For The Undead

Posted in Zombies with tags on February 13, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The DeadJust the way some cities/states claim ownership of BBQ ribs (Kansas, Memphis, Texas, South Carolina, McDonalds™), so do a few countries who are quick to stick their “We were here first” flag in zombies. West and South Africa, Haiti and McDonalds™ all claim documented cases of the dead coming back to life and eating the blubber of the living, so who’s to say who gets bragging rights?

But if you’ve seen the creatively titled zombie movie, The Dead, you’d probably hand the living dead crown to Africa, home of voodoo, viruses and the most delicious BBQ ribs this side of…. Sorry.

The DeadThe Dead, a zombie movie logically situated in Africa and having played itself out on the film festival circuit, finally got their distribution picked up by Starz/Anchor Bay. I believe Anchor Bay is located in Africa. I could be wrong, though. But hey, they got zombies, so cool beans to that.

What this means is that a seriously legit zombie movie is headed our way sometime this year and will hopefully have lots of zombies feasting on domestic skin as though it were hand-pulled from the rib cage and slow-smoked over mesquite and smothered in a thick and tangy Carolina honey mustard sauce.

The DeadHere’s the finger-licking plot as foretold by the press release: “In the very near future, most of the world has succumbed to the virus of the living dead. After crashing off the coast of Africa, Lt. Brian Murphy battles for survival across the terrible terrain of Africa in search of a way to get back to his beloved family in the USA. Saved by local military man Daniel Dembele, who is also searching for his son, both men join forces, all the while battling against the ever-present threat of the living dead.”

Sounds absolutely delish. Man, I sure could go for a steaming platter of the undead with some vein-y cole slaw, a slab of brain cornbread and some sauce on the side for dipping right about now.

Zombie Farm. Beats Undead Cows And Chickens.

Posted in Zombies with tags on February 11, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie FarmWhen one thinks of a farm, it usually invokes images of psycho chickens gone wild, four-legged bacon factories back-stroking in mud, cows with mutant appendages squirting primordial juice into a bucket, tractors plowing the fields for corn where the children of the corn can hide your adult body after they harvest your organs… But when was the last time, other than this morning while eating breakfast, that you associated a farm with zombies?

Add the undead to the list of things to never touch and then rub your eyes while visiting a farm. Coming March 8th, 2011, the Spanish horror movie, Zombie Farm (Mayan Entertainment), arrives to chew up some bloody barn yard action. And you know what that means – zombie bacon and eggs. No more boring oatmeal for you.

Zombie Farm throws down a mix of voodoo and, um, zombies, when a voodoo priestess helps a young gal put an end to her husband’s abuse with a special potion. (I thought it might be Jagermeister™, but was off by as far as the crow flies.) This elixir turns her husband into one of the living dead and the organizational leader of a zombie uprising. That probably wasn’t what the woman was hoping for. For everyone else, bulls-eye.

Zombie FarmThat’s slightly different from the other two Zombie Farms, one of which is an online video game, in which you grow an army of zombies (presumably on a farm) and take over the world, because that’s the only job zombies are qualified for.

Zombie FarmZombie Farm (2007), an independent undead flick, showcases cannibal farmers in a small California town who are converted into zombies by Taliban terrorists who spike the local water supply with a biochemical. (Again, not Jagermeister™, though it would make for logical plotting and story boarding.) Only two FBI agents and a bunch of party-crazed college students can save us now.

If you are a fan of all things undead, then all three Zombie Farms should be right up your cornfield. And if you need any more convincing, the new Zombie Farm stars Adriana Cataño (see “before zombie” photo below.) Old MacDonald should have more like her on his farm of doom.

Adriana Cataño

Black Death. If The Shoe Fits…

Posted in Witches with tags on February 10, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Black DeathThe Black Death, kinda like the flu, but with more festering boils on your face, nearly turned England and most of Europe extinct back in the soap-less days of 1348 to 1350. Thought to have been passed along by Oriental rat fleas and/or zombies, the Black Death also infected a lot of survivors by turning them into whimpering religious freaks.

And to think all they needed to do ward off the viral pandemic was wash their hands after using public restrooms. And do you think 13th Century European restaurants had sneeze guards over their salad bars? I should think not. Filthy Godless heathens.

And of course, all of this makes for great movies. Or, in the case of Season of the Witch (2011), a mildly amusing dumbass movie. So, using nearly the exact same plot as Season comes Black Death, a movie now available on demand (I don’t have that service – God has forsaken me), and in theaters on March 11, 201l or June 11, 2011. The movie’s website says both. Wish they’d pick a plague and drive in it.

Black DeathYou already know the plot: “Plague-ridden medieval England. Bodies lie scattered in their hundreds, the country is in turmoil. One hope remains, rumors of a village that is unaffected by the deadly disease. As God’s ambassador, young monk Osmund is tasked in leading the fearsome knight and his group of mercenaries to the remote village. Their quest is to hunt down a necromancer – someone able to bring the dead back to life.

Their journey is treacherous and filled with danger; encountering deadly bandits and vicious witch burnings that will put their faith to the ultimate test. Though it’s upon entering the village that their true horror begins…”

So, yeah – I’ll take the bait once again, even though I’ve been burned at the stake with Season of the Witch. Black Death stars Sean Bean as Ulrich. It must be in his contract that he will only appear in movies that have him carrying a head-chopping sword and doing the Lord’s work.

Black DeathThe freakin’ cool alternative Black Death artwork was illustrated by Simon Bisley, a comic book industry icon who did the covers for Jason Versus Leatherface and Rob Zombie’s The Nail. He must get a lot of chicks.

Thanks to Horror-Movies.CA and Shock ’Til You Drop for the exposing the Black Death to all of us. OK, that didn’t come out right.

Almost forgot – how did Europe finally rid themselves of the devastating pestilence? An antiseptic known, appropriately, as Black Death Vodka. Even if you did contract the plague, a bottle or two of this and you just didn’t care about the festering boils on your face.

Black Death Vodka

A New Giant Monster In Town

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , on February 9, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GomeraA giant monster shows up in Tokyo and smashes the place into kindling. Whoever heard of such a thing? Come to think of it, I vaguely recall this happening, I don’t know, six or seven dozen times before. I’ll have to go back and check.

There’s a new dai kaiju in town and that kaiju’s name is Gomera. Not onboard with that as it’s way too close Gamera. That’d be like saying, “Japan’s being attacked by Toddzilla! Aiyeee!” Probably too late to change it as the monster already has a logo and theme music. But what are you gonna do?

GomeraThe trailer for Gomera is pretty cool, as evidenced by these screenshots, which shows the city being torn a new sushi hole by a giant squid-like creature and a hairy ass gorilla, punching a building’s lights out. I like this a lot, mostly because I hate buildings so much.

GomeraThe movie’s plot? Clearly, it doesn’t need one. The starring actors? Who cares? When does it come out? Right now works into my schedule, although it may take a while to make it to the States.

Until Godzilla gets off his fat can and starts Riverdancing all over Japan, Gomera will have to do. And judging by the size of this octo-lord, he seems to have all the right skills to get the job done. Thank you, Japan, for doing the right thing.

Gomera

Gingerdead Man. Tastes As Good As It Sounds.

Posted in Slashers with tags on February 8, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gingerdead ManA killer cookie with a butcher knife. This must be that bottom of the barrel I keep hearing about. What’s next – Cthulhu Chips? Predator Pretzels? Jell-O™ that grows into a human-eating blob? (Oh, wait…)

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver is Full Moon Pictures’ continuing efforts to keep jamming yet another of their idea bankrupt horror franchises down our throats. (I shouldn’t be so hard on three films about psycho pastries – FM’s Puppetmaster series is up to eight.) Cookies I can swallow (and often do), but I was never a fan of puppets that come to life and stab you in the face.

Gingerdead ManGingerdead Man 3 finds the one punch line character getting in a time machine (probably a science modified EZ-Bake™ oven) and going back to the disco era to stab people in the face. Suddenly, the dead end plots of  Gingerdead Man (2005) and Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008) don’t seem so dumbass after all.

Gingerdead Man and ChuckyGingerdead Man became so after a soul of a convicted killer gets inside a gingerbread man cookie. While that scenario seems so close to Child’s Play (1988) as to be a lawsuit (the soul of a killer being transferred into a rubber doll), we should be thankful the criminal didn’t end up in some cupcakes. That’d just be plain stupid.

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver comes out in April if you give a crap.