Archive for February, 2011

Bigfoot + Devil = Devilfoot

Posted in Bigfoot with tags on February 21, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil of Lost CreekBigfoot has been called many names: Sasquatch, Yeti, Hairy Potter, Bear That Walks on Two Legs, Dumbass Butt-Face Supreme… But to reference him as “Devil” is downright disrespectful. The new indie Bigfoot horror film, The Devil at Lost Creek, calls him that right in the title. And people wonder why Bigfoot has anger issues.

Two emotionally f’d up kids are obsessed with the “Devil of Lost Creek,” a mythological creature that uses the nearby woods as its own private restroom. Legend has it, if you bang a stick against a wilderness tree three times, Bigfoot will appear. (Note: This does not work. I tried it over and over and Bigfoot did not appear. The cops did, though.)

The Devil of Lost Creek

By summoning Candyman, uh, I mean Bigfoot, the kids invoke a creature of rage, death and destruction. One can achieve the same results after last call.

The movie’s website says that “The Devil at Lost Creek draws inspiration from 1970s low-budget Bigfoot movies such as The Legend of Boggy Creek and Creature from Black Lake. The film respects its antecedents, but resists wallowing in retro nostalgia. Lost Creek uses the Bigfoot horror subgenre as a milieu for assertive, contemporary storytelling.”

That’s the eleventh time I’ve seen the word “milieu” used in conjunction with Bigfoot. I had no idea our fuzzy forest friend had that wide range of vocabulary. I would’ve simply said “die, kill, bleed.” But then, that’s why Bigfoot/Devilfoot is cooler than me.

The Devil of Lost Creek

Cannibalism: The New South Beach Diet

Posted in Slashers with tags on February 20, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GnawThe problem with cannibalism isn’t that it’s socially not cool and makes God super mad, but rather trying to floss human flesh out from between your molars. Man, that stuff is hard to remove. You’d think that vigorous brushing would do the trick, but it just doesn’t.

Gnaw, a new dark comedy horror movie now available for you to chew on (dang, that was funny), is all about the eating of flesh. Six entrees, uh, people head for the country for a little R&R (reckless retardation), and cross paths with a clan of cannibals who happen to not only be handy with a carving knife, but superb cooks as well. Yeah, I’m thinkin’ Texas Chainsaw Massacre, too.

GnawThe movie’s press release says that “What follows is a brutal battle for survival, complete with shocking carnage, killer twists, and graphic reasons to avoid UK cuisine forever.” I was never a fan of UK cuisine in the first place. Fish ’n chips wrapped in a newspaper? No wonder England is a Third World country.

Sure, it’s OK for zombies to eat skin, but when psychopaths do it, everyone freaks out. An unfortunate double standard we all have to live with.

Gnaw

 

Mutant Rats. I Like ’Em Already.

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on February 19, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rat Scratch FeverI thought rats came from the toilet and/or sewer, but the rodents in Rat Scratch Fever, a new vermin-infested independent horror movie, come from outer space. Space is like a sewer, I suppose. Though I’ve never been, I imagine outer space to be filled with all of the stuff that comes out of Uranus. It’s OK, you can laugh.

Sonja is a supermodel astronaut who rolls to a distant planet, looking for new shopping opportunities. Once there, space rats attack her sumptuous lunar orbs as well as her team. Because this is a movie, the rats, with LED red light eyes and whiskers of death, make it back to Earth and end up in Los Angeles. Better L.A. than San Francisco, who is up to here with mega sharks and giant octopuses.

Rat Scratch FeverFinding a nutritious food source in humans, the rats burrow into bodies and eat their way out. (I bet the space rats could beat Willard and his gang in a hot dog eating contest.) Happily, the rats grow to the size of ice chests and are able to chew through walls as well as torsos.

Rat Scratch FeverSlip-n-slide guts, gore, well-enunciated screaming, and the glowing of rat eyes. I’m not seeing a downside to any of this. The movie’s tag line is From Deep Space, An Army of Man-Eating Terror.” It should be Nice Gnawing You,” or, if the movie was based in San Francisco, They’ll Take You Out For Drinks…Then Eat Uranus.”

Lined up around the block, I tell you.

Ultimate Fighting Werewolves

Posted in Werewolves with tags on February 18, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GrowlIt’s werewolves versus UFC-styled groin-punchers in the upcoming Growl. Kinda like The Fight Club, but with way fewer rules, meaning if you’re a werewolf, face-eating is allowed. And if you’re a UFC fighter, kicking anything above or below the belt is also OK – only if you can find a belt on a werewolf.

You’d think this would be all that’s needed to make this movie. As it turns out, there seems to be an actual plot involving an underground fight club who call themselves The Brawlers (mostly because it sounds cool).

These meat-for-brains meet up to beat up some weirdo family in a Colorado Rockies ghost town. But the Brawlers are soon to become bawlers when the family, who invited them to fight, turn out to be a clan of werewolves. That’s kinda cheating, but as mentioned, no rules, man. Besides, werewolves will think you’re a wuss if you start crying over having your chest ripped open. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

Maybe they’re not werewolves, but bears. Growl is situated in the Colorado Rockies, were bears pretty much hang out, eat campers and pollute the river water that’s used to make Coors Light™.

A bear

 

I Saw The Devil: Horror Movie Or Guilt By Association?

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil with tags , on February 17, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Saw The DevilSeems like the Devil is always getting a bad rap, the go-to scapegoat for a wide assortment of reverse good, everything from hidden “go kill stuff” messages in heavy metal music to plagues, which begets zombies, which begets very un-Christian-like behavior. Basically, if it’s an act or action with a seeming basis in evil, then it atuomatically gets thrown in with the Devil laundry. What a white-wash. (No metaphoric pun intended, although it is kinda funny. True, but funny.)

I Saw The DevilTake the new Korean horror movie I Saw The Devil, which uses D’s name quite prominently (and probably without permission) in the title. A killer cuts off the head of the girlfriend of a guy in the National Intelligence Service, and tosses it in the river where kids can find it. Devil made him do it. Distraught to the point of losing his own head, Soo-Hyun, the NIS guy, vows to “inflict pain 1,000 times worse” to the man responsible for his grilfriend’s death. Devil is gonna make him do it. Soo-Hyun tracks down the killer, beats him into Bungeoppang (a pastry made from red bean paste and a fish), and… You know who is making him do it.

I Saw The DevilCertainly – in the case of this horror movie – the “devil” is used as a metaphor for the evil that men do, are capable of doing, and are planning to do at some point in the future. But just once I’d like to see someone possessed by the Devil who helps little old ladies across the street, rescues kittens stuck in trees and pulls little Timmy from the well. Then later, roasts their flesh and makes sandwiches out of  ’em. I already have a script if anyone is interested.

Helldriver: Look Both Ways Before Crossing

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Zombies with tags , , on February 16, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HelldriverCan’t blame high school hottie Kika for having mommy issues, not after her own mother ripped Kika’s heart out of her chest, held the still-squirting organ (OK, that didn’t sound right) up for all to see, and then laughed. Kika might have been able to get over the heart-ripping part, but to have her mom make gleeful sport of it? And people wonder what has happened to family values.

So what’s a hot high school girl to do but to get an artificial heart, which also powers a chainsaw, and then fight off an army of zombies who are in desperate need of having a chainsaw applied to their wrongness.

HelldriverSo we know what motivates Kika. The zombies, however, are cut from a different kind of skin. Turned into the living dead by a fog that is extraterrestrial in origin, these ghouls have but one goal: eat your buttsteak. Half of Japan is infected, the other half as yet not. Those without face herpes stay somewhat secure behind a giant wall. On the other side is the ultimate heavy metal party, with rampant buttsteak eating and the crossing of street against stop light. It’s a madhouse, I tell you.

Kika’s job, besides looking hot, is to drive around a modified zombie-slicing mobile, kinda like a “Mad Maxine.” She recruits a small team of zombie stoppers and they go in search of Rikka, the zombie queen, whose mobilized undead forces are eating away at Japan’s bottom line.

HelldriverIf you’ve seen splatter rodeos like Machine Girl (2008) and Tokyo Gore Police (2008), Helldriver looks to makes both of those seem like a paintball Tupperware™ party. Just the trailer alone, with hundreds of decapitated heads, arms, and pant-stuffers marinated in geysers of blood, should have you flavor-drooling like the undead.

Helldriver

In a press release, Helldriver filmmaker Yoshihiro Nishimura hopes this will become the “ultimate zombie film.” I can do little more than to wish him well on his quest.

I wonder if Kika is single? We could hook up, make out, and then she could slaughter zombies and cut wood for the fire with her chainsaw, and I could, like, watch ’n stuff.

Argentinian Zombies

Posted in Zombies with tags on February 15, 2011 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

IncidenteThere’s a low-income apartment building loaded with zombies. Not sure if these zombies pay their rent via government-assisted programs, or if most of  ’em are drawing a pension. But the fact remains that, yes, they are zombies and they are the dead next door who will chew your ear off with all the neighborhood gossip. And since zombies are always hungry for body parts, the military is called in because, hey, zombies. Trapped inside is a female news reporter and her camera man who, despite imminent loss of limb, continues to film the carnage.

That’s not the plot, but rather the strikingly similar framework for Incidente, a new Argentinian zombie movie that has the military converging on an abandoned warehouse, the site of 16 murders el numero years ago. Following the gun-laden soldiers into the zombie zone is a female news reporter and her camera man, who document violations of the flesh.

I liked this better when it was called Quarantine (2008). And I liked Quarantine better when it was called [REC] (2007). Taking almost the exact same plot and placing it in a different building and country, Incidente, which, thanks once again to discount internet foreign language courses, translates to Incident, does little more than copy the condo zombies that came before it. And that it was made over the course of three weekends means they spent some quality time dialing in the concept.

[REC], QuarantineBut these aren’t ordinary zombies –they’re actually demons who look like zombies. So how do we know they’re demons? They’ve included a priest with candles who shows up to irritate the stink devils. They were fine until the priest started using his God air freshener all over the place. (Most demons, I’m told, are highly allergic to God air freshener.) Once riled, these demons use your body as clothes. That’s all fine and dandy, but where are you gonna find shoes that match? You’ll end up looking like you were dressed by your demon mom.

IncidenteOne more tire for the zombie movie fire that continues to burn, even though everyone’s getting burned out on the living dead. Just for S’s and G’s, they should have zombies turning up to shoo regular humans out of apartment buildings/warehouses, and when they bite your ass, you turn back to being normal. How sickening would that be? It’d certainly freak me the hell out.

Thanks to the groovy Undead Backbrain for breaking this news story. Do you guys ever sleep?