Dracula Vs. Guns ’N Gangstas

Bonnie & Clyde Vs. DraculaActually, it’s not fair to lump Dracula in with all the people Bonnie and Clyde are up against. It’s a given that anyone on a machine gun-assisted crime spree isn’t going to have a lot of allies. And since bullets pretty much go right through the Invisible Man and the Wolf Man is off partying somewhere, Dracula is B&C’s latest practice target.

In Bonnie & Clyde Vs. Dracula (2008), the T-shirt worthy 1930s bank robbers are on the lamb (gangsta speak for “bilking the blues”) after a botched criminal activity. They end up in a spooky ass mansion owned and operated by Dr. Loveless, who wears a sack over his head, much like the Unknown Comic. This is not the same Dr. Loveless from the 1960s Wild, Wild West television series. Too bad – I liked that guy.

Loveless has Dracula locked up in his pad. Guess who gets loose? Guess who tries to kill Dracula with bullets? Guess whose turn it is to wear the sack? If you said yourself, you win something.

Of course, Dracula’s used to having a wide range of emotionally unbalanced people with guns going after him. There was Billy The Kid Vs. Dracula (1966), in which the famous Old West gunslinger tries to keep Dracula from sucking on his girlfriend. Billy’s bullets didn’t do anything to embargo that blood-taking. He ends up throwing his gun at Dracula. For sure that’ll make him seem cool to all the other outlaws around town.

Dracula Vs. FrankensteinBut guns are but one of many annoyances to Dracula. In Dracula Vs. Frankenstein (1971), the vampire’s name is Zandor Vorkov (that somehow seems misspelled), and he has to fight Frankenstein’s monster, whose face looks like lumpy mashed potatoes. Dracula/Vorkov ends up ripping off the monster’s arms and beating him with ’em. Mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Guns or not, best not to go around versus-ing Dracula, because you’ll always end up on the wrong side of the law, let alone Dracula’s mouth, which always seems to be covered in icky stuff. I’m sure there are products out there that’ll fix that.

 

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