Archive for December, 2010

My Dad Wears A Cape. Mom, Too.

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi with tags on December 20, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mr. & Mrs. IncredibleTough to be a superhero in ancient China. Besides having to keep kicking some ninja’s ass or lifting a drunk Sumo wrestler out of the gutter, you still have day-to-day crap to worry about like the rest of us: bills, taxes, not being able to fit in your costume because you’ve been eating too much deep fried duck…

Mr. & Mrs. IncredibleGazer Captain (or Gazer Warrior – not sure which one I like better) and his wife Red are married superheroes called Mr. & Mrs. Incredible. They wear less-than-incredible crime-fighting garb, are trying to raise a family, and live a normal life.

For the most part, things are about what you’d expect for retired superheroes. That is, until someone books a martial arts tournament to be held in the Incredible’s previously quaint and quiet village. Next thing you know, hundreds of kung fu masters, like stink hippies going to some crunchy groove rock festival, pour into town and all butt-kick hell breaks loose. This scenario is further complicated when someone looks to murder the champion in half.

Mr. & Mrs. IncredibleMr. & Mrs. Incredible (why does that name sounds familiar?) is a sci-fi comedy set for release on DVD in Japan in early 2011. Not sure what their specific powers are, but Red is also known as Aroma Woman. I am both frightened and intrigued as to how she got that name. At the very least, they have products that’ll fix that kind of “condition.” Gazer Captain has a cool black cape and bat-wing mask, but the facial hair needs to go. Only when clean shaven can right triumph over wrong.

Mr. & Mrs. IncredibleI used to think having superheroes for parents would be cool. But if they dress like Mr. & Mrs. Incredible, then I don’t know them.

A Holiday Fleshtival

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on December 19, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DismalNothing says “Happy Holidays” like cannibalism. An often overlooked Christmas tradition, eating a succulent rump roast awash in a savory rosemary gravy with a few seasonal sides, like roasted potatoes and broccolini, is not only part of our heritage, but a surprisingly tasty – and festive – celebration.

Perfect timing, then, for Dismal, an “all who you can eat” horror DVD set for release on December 21, 2010. And if you’re anything like me, your mouth is watering as we speak.

Dismal refers to the Great Dismal Swamp, a picturesque postcard of a murky waterway filled with giant crocodiles, discarded robots from an alien race dump run, and unsold cases of Zima™. OK, maybe not any of that, but definitely overrun with STINK BEETLES.

DismalDeep in the swamps woods is a dingy cabin, with hot and cold running pestilence and its tenant, a flesh hungry freak of nature. I’d bet anything he doesn’t have renter’s insurance. When some cliched college students (the jock, the overtly busty sex kitten, a regular boyfriend and girlfriend and the nerd) venture into the swamp to get a passing biology grade happen upon the bayou’s version of Ihop™, they’re invited to dinner – make that, invited to BE dinner – by the skin-savoring cabin dweller. Think of it as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), but with slightly better table manners. (The cannibal guy chews with his mouth closed.)

The movie’s website describes Dismal as “a stylish ’70s vision with a hot cast, plenty of action and enough twists and turns to keep the audience on the edge of their seat.” That’s fine, but I plan on watching it laying down on my couch. I won’t be anywhere near the edge. REGARDLESS, it’s been a while since my movie sweet tooth had some ’o those down home epidermis appetizers.

Star Wars Posters That Don’t Suck

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on December 18, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Star WarsWhy does it seem like Star Wars was a cool sci-fi adventure movie series back in the day, and now they all seem to lick Uranus? The first three were OK: Star Wars (1977), The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Return of the Jedi (1983). But the patented crap that followed – The Phantom Menace (1999), Attack of the Clones (2002), Revenge of the Sith (2005), and that blatant bid to squeeze more space dollars out of SW fans by re-releasing the original Star Wars with added computer effects as A New Hope (1997), were not much more than Bantha fodder. (A New Hope – more like A New Revenue Stream.)

Somewhere between the Wookie gettin’ some nookie and the ending credits, the good vs. bad/hope vs. no hope message was lost amid a sea of special effects so pricey, the budget alone could’ve fed the entire planet of Alderaan for a year, or at least given a raise to all those minimum-wage Stormtroopers on the previously functioning Death Star.

The Empire Strikes BackAnd still, according to Wookipedia, uh, Wikipedia™, “the overall box office revenue generated by the six Star Wars films has totalled approximately $4.27 billion, making it the third-highest-grossing film series, behind only the James Bond and Harry Potter films.” So either I’m right and one billion people are wrong, or maybe Star Wars isn’t the pile of Tauntaun turds I’m making the series out to be.

Supporting the case for the opposing view point comes in the form of three brilliantly designed Star Wars posters, as conceived by artist Olly Moss. Illustrating the first three movies (which I already admitted were kinda cool), these 24” x 36” screen prints are hand-numbered and limited to a print run of 400. Here’s the harder rub: only ONE poster is being made available per person/house/address. [Insert anguished Wookie gargle here].

Return of the JediTo make it more fair than the Empire’s retaliation attack on the ice planet Hoth, each $50 print is up for grabs on December 20, 2010 at a random time. That’s pretty clever, as it means the playing field has been leveled between The Force and the Dark Side. In other words, no relying on Jedi mind tricks for you, pal.

So where do you go to get in on the conflict? Fire up your Millennium Ford Falcon or Landspeeder and click on over to artist collective site, Mondo (sounds like a Mos Eisley Cantina character). If you’re not enabled with hyperdrive, click HERE. And may the Force be with you. (Yeah, that was totally dumb, but what else was I gonna say?)

P.S. I still think Attack of the Sith sucked Ewok droppings.

Zombie Attack Clothing

Posted in Zombies with tags on December 17, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Attack HoodieHow many times have you fought off a horde of flesh hungry zombies, only to get oily blood and particulate matter splattered all over your threads? And dang if those stains aren’t a bitch to get out, even with intensified Tide™.

The clever kooks over at ThinkGeek.com can help you out with their new Zombie Attack Hoodie, with brain stains, bloody handprints and bite marks already included. All that’s left to do is to shoot yourself in the head once the zombie infection takes hold. Do the right thing.

Zombie Attack HoodieThis season’s “must-have” fashion statement is only $59.99 and comes with washing instructions (like you’re gonna need ’em): “The charcoal grey full-zip hoodie is 100% cotton. It has two front pockets and ribbed cuffs and bottom. The zipper pull is a silver-colored biohazard symbol. We recommend that you turn it inside out before washing in cold water. Tumble dry low. Be forewarned: this will shrink if you wash it in warm water or dry it on hot. If you anticipate accidentally doing that, you may want to order a size up.”

Good advice. You don’t want to engage the undead with a hoodie that doesn’t cover up your soft and chewy parts.

Zombie Calendar

ThinkGeek has a plethora (whew – I’ve been wanting to use that word all week) of zombie clothing, zombie books, zombie charts and zombie calendars. If you call yourself one of the damned, then click on over to ThinkGeek.com and get to credit cardin’. Here’s a clear path: ZOMBIE ME.

P.S. If you’re doing gift shopping, I take a size XL. I could probably go with a Large hoodie after zombies eat half my guts. But that hasn’t happened yet, so better to play it safe.

An X-Rated Werewolf

Posted in Scream Queens, Werewolves with tags , on December 16, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tori BlackIf a Wolf Man wanted to sniff your butt, would you let him? Before you answer that, what if a Wolf Man offered you cash for said service? Depending on how broke you were at the moment and whether or not you bathed/shaved recently, you’d probably go there, yes? Don’t reply out loud or in mixed company.

That’s the outline of Half-Moon Rising, a decidely 21 & older take on Beauty and the Beast, releasing on March 1st, 2011. Though it’s not the first incident of werewolf porn, this one is about a hooker, a wolf man and some seriously graphic butt-sniffing goin’ on. Here’s the official low-down on the get down…

Rose is a down-on-her-luck prostitute who’s short on cash. When she hears of a mysterious client named Jacob who pays a large sum of money for one night in a hotel, she goes against her better judgment and takes the assignment.

At the hotel, Jacob proves to be a strange client: he’s willing to pay up front, and is more interested in honest conversation than anything else. Then, just as Rose begins to feel at ease, she learns that Jacob is about to undergo a transformation by the light of the full moon – and she’s about find herself trapped in close quarters with a terrifying monster.

This taut and clever supernatural horror film breaks genre conventions by building realistic characters and erotic tension as it cranks up the suspense.”

Tori BlackI don’t know about you, but all I heard was “erotic” and “cranks.”

Don’t know who is playing the werewolf (though I’d like to submit my resume’), but the part of Rose is being portrayed by 22 year-old adult film sensation, Tori Black. Since breaking into the biz in 2007, Tori has appeared in over 200 XXX-rated movies, including Lord of Asses, Wonder Woman XXX, Batman XXX and the uncomfortable sounding Knockin’ At Your Back Door, all filmed in 2010. All told, an average of 56 movies a year. Clearly, Tori takes laying down on the job very seriously.

Half MoonAs mentioned, Half-Moon Rising is not the first display of werewolf pornography. You’ll need to go back to the 1975 foreign film, The Beast (La Bete), starring Sirpa Lane as an American heiress who has nightmares about being pursed through the woods by a rat bear Sasquatch werewolf sporting offshore drilling proportions, who ravages her over and over. I’ll say it for you: scream until you like it.

The BeastThe Beast was banned for three decades given its “shocking and disturbing” content. Apparently, watching a rat bear Sasquatch werewolf get busy with a woman of wealth and taste was considered objectionable back then.

As for Half-Moon Rising, I’m down with the premise, but why have all the action take place in a hotel room? Werewolves care not for room service. Might I suggest that the movie producers use a more believable location. Say, my apartment, for instance.

Happy Birthday, Gamera

Posted in Giant Monsters with tags on December 15, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

GameraGamera, the only 200-foot turtle in the world that can shoot flames out of his butt, turns 44 today. Actually, he’s older than that (his Japanese birthday is November 26, 1965), but December 15, 1966 was when Gamera first appeared to U.S. audiences to wreck the world, save the world, and to shoot flames out his butt. (Not necessarily in that order.)

In his short but colorful career, Gamera has appeared in 12 movies (one was a greatest hits), battled a never-ending supply of giant criminal monsters, died, was reborn, and took more of his share of cheap shots from the likes of Barugon, Zigra, Guiron, and that ultra-dickhead, Gyaos. And not just regular Gyaos, either. Gamera’s had to shell up against several versions of the anvil-headed reptile bird, including Space Gyaos, Super Gyaos, and Hyper Gyaos.

GameraOther than the butt flame deal, here’s some other cool stuff Gamera can do: Fly (he’s jet-propelled), spin (like a 200-foot Frisbee™), shoot plasma fireballs out his mouth (not the result of heartburn, but from a steady diet of petroleum), and absorb Earth energy (like a 200-foot New Age sponge). Gamera’s only true weakness, besides female turtles in high heels, is cold temperatures. Not surprisingly, he went balls out crazy after being released from his icy tomb after Soviet jets carrying atomic bombs crashed and exploded in Antarctica. (At least it looked like Antarctica – it may have been the North Pole. They look similar.)

GameraThe pinnacle of Gamera’s achievements, though, can be seen in the balls out crazy Gamera 3: Awakening of Irys (1999), where Gam Gam engages in one of the all time greatest giant monster battles ever filmed, going up against the wussily named Irys. Yeah, Irys kicked Gamera right in his fireballs. But this duke out was over-the-top, with Gamera using his fire breath to shear off his own flipper, which Irys had pinned to a train station. His gushing wound cauterized, Gamera honked (it sounded like an elephant playing acid jazz on a bus-sized trumpet), then stood victorious over the smoking carcass of his multi-tentacled foe. That’s what you get when you mess with someone who can shoot plasma fireballs out of his mouth, bitch.

GameraSo happy U.S. birthday, Gamera. I’d tell you to blow out the candles on your birthday cake, but you’d probably just eat ’em. To a giant turtle, flaming candles taste way better than Gyaos layer cake.

 

Goin’ Ape For The Monkey King

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi with tags on December 14, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Monkey KingThe Monkey King is a special effects driven, fantasy sci-fi 3-D movie that’s slated for February of 2012. I thought the world is supposed to end in that year. The place mat in the Mayan restaurant down the street says so. Regardless, anyone who looks like someone from Planet of the Apes, wears a cool cape and flies through the air like a super monkey while swinging around an ornate stick that looks like a heavy metal pole vault pole, automatically gets my movie dollar(s). Other than what the poster tells us/me, I have no freakin’ clue as to what this film is about. I don’t care – he’s a flying monkey, dude!

The Monkey KingPlaying the title character is Donnie Yen, who also starred in the ass kicking, Ip Man (2008, pronounced “Eep Mon”) and the kung fu sac punch classic, Iron Monkey (1993). Amazingly, Yen’s appeared in over 60 movies, including Holy Virgin vs. Evil Dead (1991). You may not want your mom to see that one. Trust me.

If the character sounds familiar, Jet Li donned the fur as The Monkey King in The Forbidden Kingdom (2008). I guess they needed someone to put a new spin on being a martial arts primate.

The Monkey KingThe Monkey King, though, has been around for a long time, and not recently dreamed up by someone loaded on Percoset and Nyquil-marinated BBQ pork (served with hot mustard). Here’s an excerpt from Journey to West, written by Wu Ch’eng-en in the 1500s (one of my favorite reads whilst on the porcelain throne): “The Monkey King is an indeed rebellious extraordinary being, born out of a rock and fertilized by the grace of Heaven. Monkey King is extremely smart and is able to transform himself into 72 different images, such as a tree, a bird, a beast of prey, or a bug as small as a mosquito, so as to sneak into an enemy’s belly to fight him inside or out. Using clouds as a vehicle, he can travel 180,000 miles in a single somersault.”

Man, that is so cool. MK also has a huge iron bar that serves as ballast of the seas and can expand or shrink at its owner’s command. Needless to say, Monkey King’s fav weapon. I’m still jazzed over him being able to drive around in a cloud and do somersaults. That’d be awesome if I had a cloud car or could do somersaults at 180,000 m.p.h. without throwing up.

As cool as that all is, I think we all know who the REAL Monkey King is…

Dr. Zaius

A Jewish Serial Killer – What’s Not To Like?

Posted in Slashers with tags on December 13, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HanukkahWhile I’m not Jewish (more like half demigod, half alcoholic), the upcoming Jewish horror movie Hanukkah looks pretty komish. (That’s Yiddish for humorous – I’m thinking about converting.) While it’s sure to be loaded with Jewish-isms, the teaser posters are hilarious. Spoofing Halloween and Friday the 13th, just the tag lines alone make me wanna see this one. (“The Night Hebrew Came Home” – that’s friggin’ priceless.)

HanukkahI don’t know the character references (sorry, God), but the synopsis sounds intriguing: “Obediah Lazarus is the son of Judah Lazarus, the original Hannukiller. In 1983, Judah terrorized NY for seven nights and was preparing to sacrifice his eight year-old son, Obediah, on the eighth night. Judah was convinced it was God’s will, like Abraham and Isaac, to sacrifice his only son to God.

Luckily for Obediah, police tracked Judah down and stopped the sacrifice, but Judah was gunned down in the process. Warped by hatred with no guidance, Obediah Lazarus becomes a religious extremist, intolerant of non-Jews, “bad Jews,” and those he perceives to be enemies of the Jewish faith. He is about to unleash eight nights of horror.”

HanukkahMan, I can’t wait to hear what happens next. Will Obediah fulfill his murderous legacy? Will bad Jews be allowed to continue their God-less ways? Will everyone die, or will their only chance of survival be to embrace their faith? Oy veh – these things I need to know! You should grow like an onion with your head in the ground if you don’t go see Hanukkah. Click HERE for their Facebook™ page to get more yedie (information).

Jewish people seem pretty nice. I have yet to meet one who wants to kill me and drink my blood. To prove it, here’s a joke my Jewish neighbor told me just this morning:

“Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?”

I have no idea why I find that to be so funny.

Happy Birthday, Vampira

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , on December 12, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

VampiraSeems kinda messed up to wish someone a happy birthday after they’ve been not living a while. But since Vampira (Maila Nurmi) was TV’s first horror host, maybe she has spooky powers that enable her to come back from the dead and get in a little birthday action before climbing back in her coffin and hanging out.

Vampira/Maila was born December 11, 1922 and died January 10, 2008. In-between both dates, Maila became KABC-TV’s horror host in 1954 and went on to achieve immortality in Ed Woods’ infamously bad Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), in which she pretty much played herself and walked stiffly through cardboard cemetery sets and made bug-eyes at the camera/intended victims.

Vampira, ElviraIn the ’80s, Vampira tried to sue the bustier off Elvira, who was also a horror host in Los Angeles and who seemed to have based her look/shtick on the Vampira character. Elvira won and Vampira probably went home and made big-busted voodoo dolls to stick pins in.

VampiraBut Vampira mania still lives, with DVDs, T-shirts, models, pop culture knickknacks, comics, books and magazines, all paying tribute to the first horror hostess with the mostest. (Note to Elvira: Not throwing you under the bus here – we good?)

 

Horror High

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on December 11, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of BongA hippie nor stoner am I, although I do enjoy an occasional snifter of Budweiser™ every now and again as the occasion dictates. So the appeal of the upcoming Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong, holds very little appeal to me. Yes, it’ll be presented in 3-D and “Sniff-O-Rama.” Yes, it’ll have record amounts of naked alien beauties, boobies, and reefer hits to ever be presented in 3-D. (That’ what they’re claiming.) And yes, it’ll premier on National Pot Day, April 20, 2011. Outside of the naked alien chicks and boobies, I’m just not feeling it.

Stoner humor/horror only works if you’re baked. To watch stuff like Gravestoned (2009), Evil Bong 2: King Bong (2009) is tedious and boring and ass-numbingly dumb while sober. And yet, there’s always the exception to the rule. I cite Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke (1978) as the stoner standard (even over Reefer Madness/1938), even though it isn’t classified as a horror movie. I suppose it might be if C&C smoked some pot and turned into zombies and ate people’s brains because they think brains taste like Fritos™. Wishful thinking.

So go get high, watch Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong, and sleep the next day until noon. Meet me later in a dive bar and watch how a real horror movie fan takes it to the hoop.

P.S. Full Moon, the movie company behind Evil Bong 3-D: The Wrath of Bong, must be high if they think no one will notice they stole the poster idea from Donnie Darko (2001). Stupid hippies.

Donnie Darko