Archive for November, 2010

Santa Claus vs. The Zombies

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 20, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Santa Claus vs. The ZombiesSanta Claus beat the Hell out of the Devil in 1959 (Santa Claus) and kicked the Martians right in Uranus in 1964 (Santa Claus Conquers the Martians), so with two in the win column, it stands that Santa shall once again stand victorious when he feasts on the defeated remains of the undead in 2010’s Santa Claus vs. The Zombies. Short of smack-talkin’ reindeer always giving him lip, Santa can deliver the beat down to just about anyone, naughty or nice.

In Santa Claus vs. The Zombies, a plague breaks out, converting people into the walking dead, the metaphor equivalent of getting coal in your Christmas stocking. Civilization is game over, man. Santa and a few elves (or “short people”) are about to be turned into festive fertilizer by the flesh-eaters. Meanwhile, The President of the United States is hunkered in a bunker along with his top advisors, the Executive Decision being to rescue Santa and get him back to handing out gifts.

Santa Claus vs. The ZombiesI highly doubt Santa Claus is gonna need any help defeating the zombie hordes, especially from politicians, who have a track record of accomplishing NOTHING. For starters, SC can whoosh up and down chimneys ’n stuff. That, and he seems to be packing some serious artillery. Say what you will about Kris Kringle, the man knows how to handle a rocket launcher.

Santa Kicks AssSanta Claus vs. The Zombies is now available for your holiday viewing pleasure. That it’s done in a new 3D technology that will not only give you a screaming headache, but allow it to be viewed on a regular TV. If that isn’t a testimony to Santa’s powers, I don’t know what is.

Get your copy from http://www.zpinternational.com. Or just go to http://www.maninred.northpole.org. (You know that last one’s fake, right?)

 

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on November 19, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Shark vs. CrocosaurusApparently, I’ve been a good boy all year as Santa Claus is bringing me what I truly want for Christmas: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. All those hours spent rubbing the magic lamp are about to pay off.

Arriving Tuesday, December 21, 2010, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus looks to make December 20th a day of hand-wringing anticipation, and December 22nd a day of rest and sedatives.

Here’s all you need to know: “The massive prehistoric shark has survived the last battle, and the world is again threatened when a new, more dangerous foe is discovered in the jungles of Africa.”

Who needs a plot? All you need to do is look at the poster art to see this is going to be a very special holiday season. And maybe you can overlook the fact that Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is a cheap, painfully inept cash-in from The Asylum, a film company whose sole purpose is to rip off other people’s work. So bold is their plagiarism, the movie’s tagline, “Whoever wins, we lose,” is the same tagline used for AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004).

AVP: Alien vs. Predator Still, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus might just make up for all those years Santa ignored my plea for a life-size Sasquatch blow-up doll. That dick.

Drilling For Monsters

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on November 18, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sector 7Don’t you hate it when you’re drilling for oil, and instead of tapping into some sweet Texas Tea, you unleash a monster that will eat not only your face, but the tasty faces of your minimum-wage oil rig crew?

And don’t you hate it when horror movie directors come up with that exact plot and make the same movie over and over?

I can think of at least four movies that do that (although if I wasn’t hungover, I could probably find more): The Thing Below (2004), The Rig (2010), The Intruder Within (1981) and the upcoming Korean oil-n-water thriller, Sector 7 (2011).

Oil Rig HorrorHere are the plots of all four as supplied by the film studios:

THE INTRUDER WITHIN
Drillers on an oil rig near Antarctica accidentally bring up several prehistoric eggs. One egg hatches and becomes an unstoppable creature.

THE THING BELOW
A top secret drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico raises a dormant alien creature from the depths. Once loose, the creature goes on a murderous rampage.

THE RIG
In the midst of a tropical storm, the crew of an offshore oil rig must survive the rampage of a creature after invading its undersea habitat.

SECTOR 7
A group of workers on an oil prospecting platform are being terrorized by a hostile undersea creature.

Oil Rig HorrorA creature running hog wild on an oil rig is lame to begin with, because it ALWAYS ends up being a dine ’n dash movie until the last one or two survivors remember that oil is flammable/explodable, and therefore the only way to keep their faces from being eaten. What else can you do with the plot? Have the creature end up working for the oil company and wear a hat with a logo on it?

You know what would be cool? If movie producers would quit making films like this, and do something with robot werewolf cheerleaders. I have a script ready to go.

Monster/Monstruo…A Rose By Any Other Name

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on November 17, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

El Monstro Del MarThree Australian chicks with dubious pasts (hired killers), tattoos (permanent, not the rub-on kind) and advanced skills in personal weaponry (knives, guns, Massengill™), pick a small, low-key beach community to hang out until the heat dies down (the law, not global warming). That they’re named Beretta, Blondie and Snowball, means they’ll fit right in and not be noticed.

Small towns are boring, especially when your lifestyle includes poking holes in people. But as the ladies soon find out, the town is anything but hum drum, especially after they go swimming. The water is unsafe, alright. But not because of pollution and/or mermaid droppings. A sea beast is out there – and guess who just woke it up?

The “kraken” has many tentacles with which to rub tattoos on…or permanently remove the tattoos you already have. Using their tried and true vocational abilities, the girls fight back. And there is blood and non-consensual tattoo removal.

Just now rolling out, this ambitious, independent horror movie is called El Monstro Del Mar. Yep, odd (or “unusual”) for an Australian movie to have a Spanish title. Then again, it’s been called that before…50 years ago!

El MonstruoEl Monstruo Del Mar Encantado (aka, Creature From The Haunted Sea) came out in 1961, when Spanish was just being introduced as a serviceable language.

More of a sub-budget comedy than a gripping tale of sea horror, El Monstruo, seemingly scripted in 10 minutes, involves secret agent XK150 (aka, “Sparks Moran”) who is attempting to smuggle cash, a military colonel and some expatriates (man, I’ve been wanting to use that word for ages) out of Cuba. Renzo Capetto, a crime boss intends to kill Sparks and conveniently blame it on El Monstruo, who he thinks is nothing more than a supersticioso myth. Oh, Renzo – how wrong you are/were.

El MonstruoThe trailer for El Monstro Del Mar can be found HERE. The trailer for El Monstruo Del Mar Encantado can be found HERE. One has tattoos, bras/panties and language unbecoming of a hired killer or secret agent. The other has a monster that looks like compost with Hostess Snowballs™ for eyes. See if you can tell ’em apart.

French Dinosaurs Are Magnifique

Posted in Misc. Horror with tags on November 16, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Les Aventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-SecAdèle Blanc-Sec is a 1912 French chick novelist who gets so bored doing novel stuff, she goes out and does the investigative journalist thing and looks for adventure. She finds it in demon worshippers, assorted criminals, talking mummies, mad scientists and a 136 year-old pterodactyl. (I thought pterodactyls were older than that.)

This was all the doings of a French comic series by artist, Jacques Tardi. And here all this time I thought French people did nothing but complain, drink wine for breakfast and eat butter.

Les Aventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-SecIn April, 2010, Tardi’s long-running comic was turned into a feature film, called Les Aventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec. I would’ve called it La Dinosaur Chick, C.S.I.

Been looking for it on DVD since. No luck. But I did find four cool clips on YouTube™, the first of which you can watch with your own eyes (or rented one) by clicking HERE.

Les Aventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-SecOddly, the trailer, while in French, is sub-titled in German. I’m so confused. Less so after watching the smoking hot Adèle do an Indian Jones thing and tries to solve the mystery of demon worshippers, assorted criminals, talking mummies, mad scientists and a 136 year-old pterodactyl. FYI: That pterodactyl looks like a royal pain in the ass.

Full movie review coming after I find it, watch it, return it late, drink some wine and eat some butter. Not in that order.

 

Which Witch Would You Choose?

Posted in Evil with tags on November 15, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

WitchesBeen a while since we’ve seen a good witch movie. (No, The Blair Witch Project, which sucked mega broom, doesn’t count.) But like bell bottoms and mullets, you wait long enough, and it’ll come back in style. (Crossing fingers for leg warmers.)

We have three movies using the all-purpose witch for imminent release, each portraying said Wiccan in a variety of evil poses. Since my fingers hurts (don’t ask), I’m not up for typing a whole lot right now, so cut ‘n paste from each movie’s website is the order of the day. (Note to self: the cheese in the trap was not meant for me.)

WITCHES PLAYGROUND
Witches Playground is a chilling story about a group of teens who decide to have a party on Halloween at an abandoned haunted attraction, which is rumored to be cursed by an old witch. Thirteen years ago, on Halloween night, a series of gruesome accidents took place there. Now these teens will have to face their fears as the evil forces haunting the attraction begin to repeat the bloody scene from years past.

Thoughts: With a plot like this, how can it miss?

KAALO
Kaalo was a witch who lived in Kulbhata during the 18th Century. She was killed and buried by angry villagers for sacrificing young nubile girls to satisfy her greed for immortality, but her fear lived on. Years later villagers spoke of Kaalo’s sightings yet again. They claimed she was even more angry and dangerous. And she was back to finish what she left incomplete.

Kaalo is India’s first creature film. Set in the deserts of Jaisalmer this supernatural thriller is shot in scorching daylight at the peak of summer. Based on a folktale, the story of Kaalo revolves around a desert witch by the same name.

Thoughts: Young nubile girls – three words that go together like hamburger, fries and a shake. Sign me up.

SEASON OF THE WITCH
14th Century knights transport a suspected witch to a monastery, where monks deduce that her powers could be the source of the Black Plague.

Thoughts: 14th Century monks were rarely wrong about such things as demonic possession and witch craftery. (Crossing fingers for a spell that turns their faces into black cottage cheese.)

Zombie Dictionary

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 14, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie DictionaryEver wonder why people scream when being chased/eaten alive by zombies? That’s because they couldn’t find the words that best encapsulates the essence of being consumed by the undead? Too bad those victims didn’t have a copy of Dr. Dale’s Zombie Dictionary: The A–Z Guide To Staying Alive. Illiteracy means certain doom.

A press release about the Zombie Dictionary on the website (click HERE) has these comforting words in this, a time of living dead vigilance: “As yet, the undead have not risen from their graves and stared to devour the living. But there was a time when we said man would never walk on the moon–and look what happened there, eh? We must prepare for the inevitable, and the Dictionary of the Dead is the ultimate alphabetical reference guide on how to survive when the zombies finally arrive and attempt to eat us all.”

Good point. And hey, a full money back guarantee is being offered “should you die in a zombie apocalypse within 30 days of purchase.” You can’t ask for anything more fair than that.

Here’s a few samples from the 300+ page guide:

CURE
There is no cure. Once you are bitten you become a zombie. So stop thinking there is a cure, because there isn’t. Even if there is, you need to think there isn’t. Because thinking there’s a cure will give you hope and hope will make you weak and weakness will make you lose and losing means you die and dying means you rise and rising means you become a zombie–for which there is no cure. So stop thinking there’s a cure because that will give you hope and hope will make you weak and… You get the message–THERE IS NO CURE!

KANGAROO
For those who think it’s possible, you cannot hide in the pouch of a kangaroo. You won’t fit, the zombies will still get you and the kangaroo probably won’t be pleased either.

Good thing they told me that, as I was thinkin’ about gettin’ me some ’Roo.

Zombie Dictionary, written by “UK’s Zombology self-help guru Dr Dale” (don’t ask him for accreditation, just buy the damn book), will eat your money alive to the tune of $5.49 British pounds, or $8.85 Uncle Sams. If you live in zombie infected London (see 28 Weeks Later/2007), shipping is free. Everyone else, consult your accountant. You could get a copy cheaper by buying it used. But why risk your life on something that’s been previously owned?

 

I Totally Heart You, Snake Woman

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , on November 13, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

HisssIf a supermodel snake woman wanted to have intimate relations with you, could you overlook her decorative scales and kung-fu grip and go there? Of course, several more questions need to be answered before said social mating ritual can take place, the first being whether or not to use protection, which in this case is snake bite antidote. Also, you’ll want to use a condom, which you can shed later. Other than that, does snake woman have any cute lizard girlfriends you can hook your buddies up with so everyone can double slither?

All of this could be the backdrop for the new movie Hisss, a modern day retelling of the ancient tale of the Ichhadahari Nagin. Since I’m 97% sure you know all about the Ichhadahari Nagin, I’ll just skip ahead to the movie’s plot…

Hisss“A ruthless American, fascinated by the ancient folklore of the mythical creature, travels to the jungles of India to discover the truth. He finds and captures the Nagins mate for the magical powers of its Nagmani, a mythical gem embedded in its hood.

The Nagin then transforms into a gorgeous femme fatale and follows him back into the modern world to track down her lover and wreak revenge on his captors and all who stand in the way of their reunion.”

HisssThe snake woman is portrayed by the sssuper sssexy Bollywood model/actress/reptile Mallika Sherawat, which means the question proposed at the beginning of this potentially award-winning blog entry is HELL YES.

HisssHisss was reported to have been released in the UK and India, but I’m still impatiently waiting for it to become available in the States. When will it come out? Hopefully sssoon.

Zombie Clay

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 12, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Chainsaw MaidAs a kid, you probably regarded Gumby™ as the cutting edge of claymation technology. It was cool, but a little goody-goody for most between diapers and Underoos™. As you got older, you played witness to the dark side of colored clay with the sadistic Mr. Bill clay film shorts. Now comes Chainsaw Maid, a seven-minute claymation splatter-thon that finally fulfills the promise of evil Play-Doh™.

Chainsaw MaidMade in Japan (I would’ve thought the German’s advancements in clay would beat ’em to the punch), Chainsaw Maid is about a cleaning woman who takes on an army of zombies, eviscerating them with the family chainsaw. (All households should have at least one in case of attacks by the undead or zombie trees).

Chainsaw MaidNeedless to say, you have to see this. Do so by clicking HERE. Get your parent’s permission first, as this graphic material is best determined by adult discretion. (My mom said no, but I went ahead and watched it anyway. I’m not about rules, man.)

 

Space Slugs: They’re Supposed To Be Cute

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on November 11, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cool Gel AttacksMicroscopic slugs slip-n-sliding around in your body makes you omni puke. Imagine what a slug the size of a loaf of bread will make you do if it gets inside your crap factory and wiggles around like hip-hop Jell-O™.

In the “it could only come from Thailand” category comes Cool Gel Attacks, a sci-fi comedy about gel, possibly cool in temperature, attacking. Translated from the movie’s website, which is written in a language everybody except me can understand, the plot revolves around space slugs composed of blue gel and sporting sharp teeth that fall from the sky. I guess if you call yourself a space slug, the sky is pretty much where you’d have to come from. Feuding neighbors have to quit yelling four and five letter words at each other and join forces to defeat the lunar worms. There was some other stuff I couldn’t translate, probably something about the gel sucking face skin off and eating it like Fruit Roll-ups™.

Cool Gel AttacksCool Gel Attacks is directed by comedian turned director Jaturong Mokjok and stars Jim Chanchuen. Kohtee Aramboy and Jaturong Mokjok. Man, I’m glad they told me that.

While Cool Gel Attacks might bring a chuckle or two to your intestines, alternate choices might be the outrageous Slither (2006), featuring alien slugs that mutate your body in ways only H.P. Lovecraft could imagine, and Squirm (1976), a heartwarming tale of millions of bloodworms that come out of the ground, sinks and faucets like zombie spaghetti, and burrow into your face to get at the flavor crystals inside.

Slither, SquirmEither way, having slugs, parasites and/or bloodworms in your body is right up there with getting a proctology exam from Roto-Rooter™.