Archive for November, 2010

Sex, Drugs, Giants

Posted in Giant Monsters, Science Fiction with tags , on November 23, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Apocalypse, CABesides making you feel insignificant in the front of pants department, having sex with a 300 foot-tall woman has other drawbacks. For instance, to get her in the mood for a romantic feel-up encounter, it’s gonna facilitate maxing out at least three credit cards to pay for enough Jager Bomb cocktails to make her biologically attracted you. Secondly, foreplay could actually maim you. And if you manage to overcome these love obstacles and make it past second base, well, it’s been nice knowing you.

But what if that was a movie instead of one of your f’d up fantasies? Arriving sometime in 2011, which I believe is a year or two from now, is the intriguingly titled, Apocalypse, CA, which mixes comedy with horror, sci-fi with reality, sex with drugs, and a giant woman with an asteroid. I like where the movie producer’s head is at.

Here’s what I stole, um, re-purposed from the movie’s Facebook™ page…

“The world is doomed. Wry, cynical and full of off-beat humor, Apocalypse, CA is the story of ill-fated friends as they prepare for certain death at the hands of a massive asteroid, sex-inducing drugs, a 300 foot-tall giant, and a horde of other unfortunate problems. But it gets stranger.

Mysterious radio personality and apparent part-time genie, Sassy Boots takes it upon herself to grant John Parsons a few wishes five days before the world is to be destroyed by an asteroid. Only problem is John’s wishes aren’t exactly calculated, or even planned – the end result of which is a situation far worse than before.

Apocalypse, CAAccompanied by his brother Hank, Hank’s friend Renee and John’s childhood crush Jacklyn, John and friends take the high road to Palm Springs – otherwise known as the epicenter – where the asteroid will first strike Earth. John and friends learn a little more about life and each other, all leading up to a wild climax of booze, fantasy, and guns-a-blazin’ desert adventure.”

I get the booze and guns-a-blazin’ stuff, but learning a little more about life and friends as a civilization-ending meteor is about to turn everyone into photons, is like cramming for a test. But hey, I’ll roll with it, especially if the giant woman’s clothes don’t expand along with her growth spurt. If they don’t, I at least hope her shoes match her end-of-the-world ensemble. Anything else would be a gigantic fashion faux pas.

 

Cursed Beer. Sounds Yummy!

Posted in Evil, Witches with tags , on November 22, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Witch's BrewThis goes in the “why the hell didn’t I think of this?” pile. Witch’s Brew, an upcoming dark comedy horror indie, is about beer, witches, bitches and the ultimate hangover (projectile blood vomit, bottle-opened eyeballs, gut stuff.) As cool as this is for a movie, it sounds like a typical Saturday night for me.

Here’s the plot: “Two microbrewers screw over a coven of witches, and in turn, the coven curses their latest batch of beer. From that point forward, anyone who drinks the cursed alcohol meets a gruesome, ironic demise.”

Color me stupid, but I can’t wait to try some of that sweet, sweet beer. If you can’t wait, either, click HERE to see the bloody, vomit-y, poked eyeball-y trailer. Like I said, a regular Saturday night for me.

One More Exorcism For The Road

Posted in Evil with tags on November 21, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legion: The Final ExorcismDamn demons. Just when you think you’ve exorcised them all, another one pops up. This time, it’s a repeat appearance by a demon that ex-priest Michael San Chica has met before. And this time, it’s personal. Then again, priests have a track record of pissing off demons.

Arriving January 11, 2011 on MTI Home Video, Legion: The Final Exorcism, is based on a true story. (How can that be? I thought demons and Hell were just campfire stories made up by Christians.) Even though he no longer works the front lines in the exorcism trade, Michael San Chica now documents TRUE incidents of demonic possession. He probably does this with a camera ’n stuff.

Then some young girl, who happens to be the daughter of a Baptist minister, gets possessed. Man, that double sucks. Looks like God gave up on you, pal. San Chica (weird name – I bet he’s demonic) goes to help, and finds out a demon he encountered before – and vowed to send back to Hell – is making the girl do stink noises/fumes. Time for a re-match.

Rowdy Roddy PiperAnd speaking of PPV-worthy rematches, WWE legend Rowdy Roddy Piper also appears. Look for him to do a run in during the exorcism and bash the demon over the head with a folding metal chair. Or a folding metal bible. Not sure what role he’ll be taking as the trailer, which is on the internet of all things, doesn’t indicate Piper’s involvement. No doubt he’s there to beat up somebody. At least he better be.

P.S. I hope the demon is Hulk Hogan.

Santa Claus vs. The Zombies

Posted in Zombies with tags on November 20, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Santa Claus vs. The ZombiesSanta Claus beat the Hell out of the Devil in 1959 (Santa Claus) and kicked the Martians right in Uranus in 1964 (Santa Claus Conquers the Martians), so with two in the win column, it stands that Santa shall once again stand victorious when he feasts on the defeated remains of the undead in 2010’s Santa Claus vs. The Zombies. Short of smack-talkin’ reindeer always giving him lip, Santa can deliver the beat down to just about anyone, naughty or nice.

In Santa Claus vs. The Zombies, a plague breaks out, converting people into the walking dead, the metaphor equivalent of getting coal in your Christmas stocking. Civilization is game over, man. Santa and a few elves (or “short people”) are about to be turned into festive fertilizer by the flesh-eaters. Meanwhile, The President of the United States is hunkered in a bunker along with his top advisors, the Executive Decision being to rescue Santa and get him back to handing out gifts.

Santa Claus vs. The ZombiesI highly doubt Santa Claus is gonna need any help defeating the zombie hordes, especially from politicians, who have a track record of accomplishing NOTHING. For starters, SC can whoosh up and down chimneys ’n stuff. That, and he seems to be packing some serious artillery. Say what you will about Kris Kringle, the man knows how to handle a rocket launcher.

Santa Kicks AssSanta Claus vs. The Zombies is now available for your holiday viewing pleasure. That it’s done in a new 3D technology that will not only give you a screaming headache, but allow it to be viewed on a regular TV. If that isn’t a testimony to Santa’s powers, I don’t know what is.

Get your copy from http://www.zpinternational.com. Or just go to http://www.maninred.northpole.org. (You know that last one’s fake, right?)

 

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , on November 19, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mega Shark vs. CrocosaurusApparently, I’ve been a good boy all year as Santa Claus is bringing me what I truly want for Christmas: Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. All those hours spent rubbing the magic lamp are about to pay off.

Arriving Tuesday, December 21, 2010, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus looks to make December 20th a day of hand-wringing anticipation, and December 22nd a day of rest and sedatives.

Here’s all you need to know: “The massive prehistoric shark has survived the last battle, and the world is again threatened when a new, more dangerous foe is discovered in the jungles of Africa.”

Who needs a plot? All you need to do is look at the poster art to see this is going to be a very special holiday season. And maybe you can overlook the fact that Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus is a cheap, painfully inept cash-in from The Asylum, a film company whose sole purpose is to rip off other people’s work. So bold is their plagiarism, the movie’s tagline, “Whoever wins, we lose,” is the same tagline used for AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004).

AVP: Alien vs. Predator Still, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus might just make up for all those years Santa ignored my plea for a life-size Sasquatch blow-up doll. That dick.

Drilling For Monsters

Posted in Science Fiction with tags on November 18, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sector 7Don’t you hate it when you’re drilling for oil, and instead of tapping into some sweet Texas Tea, you unleash a monster that will eat not only your face, but the tasty faces of your minimum-wage oil rig crew?

And don’t you hate it when horror movie directors come up with that exact plot and make the same movie over and over?

I can think of at least four movies that do that (although if I wasn’t hungover, I could probably find more): The Thing Below (2004), The Rig (2010), The Intruder Within (1981) and the upcoming Korean oil-n-water thriller, Sector 7 (2011).

Oil Rig HorrorHere are the plots of all four as supplied by the film studios:

THE INTRUDER WITHIN
Drillers on an oil rig near Antarctica accidentally bring up several prehistoric eggs. One egg hatches and becomes an unstoppable creature.

THE THING BELOW
A top secret drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico raises a dormant alien creature from the depths. Once loose, the creature goes on a murderous rampage.

THE RIG
In the midst of a tropical storm, the crew of an offshore oil rig must survive the rampage of a creature after invading its undersea habitat.

SECTOR 7
A group of workers on an oil prospecting platform are being terrorized by a hostile undersea creature.

Oil Rig HorrorA creature running hog wild on an oil rig is lame to begin with, because it ALWAYS ends up being a dine ’n dash movie until the last one or two survivors remember that oil is flammable/explodable, and therefore the only way to keep their faces from being eaten. What else can you do with the plot? Have the creature end up working for the oil company and wear a hat with a logo on it?

You know what would be cool? If movie producers would quit making films like this, and do something with robot werewolf cheerleaders. I have a script ready to go.

Monster/Monstruo…A Rose By Any Other Name

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , on November 17, 2010 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

El Monstro Del MarThree Australian chicks with dubious pasts (hired killers), tattoos (permanent, not the rub-on kind) and advanced skills in personal weaponry (knives, guns, Massengill™), pick a small, low-key beach community to hang out until the heat dies down (the law, not global warming). That they’re named Beretta, Blondie and Snowball, means they’ll fit right in and not be noticed.

Small towns are boring, especially when your lifestyle includes poking holes in people. But as the ladies soon find out, the town is anything but hum drum, especially after they go swimming. The water is unsafe, alright. But not because of pollution and/or mermaid droppings. A sea beast is out there – and guess who just woke it up?

The “kraken” has many tentacles with which to rub tattoos on…or permanently remove the tattoos you already have. Using their tried and true vocational abilities, the girls fight back. And there is blood and non-consensual tattoo removal.

Just now rolling out, this ambitious, independent horror movie is called El Monstro Del Mar. Yep, odd (or “unusual”) for an Australian movie to have a Spanish title. Then again, it’s been called that before…50 years ago!

El MonstruoEl Monstruo Del Mar Encantado (aka, Creature From The Haunted Sea) came out in 1961, when Spanish was just being introduced as a serviceable language.

More of a sub-budget comedy than a gripping tale of sea horror, El Monstruo, seemingly scripted in 10 minutes, involves secret agent XK150 (aka, “Sparks Moran”) who is attempting to smuggle cash, a military colonel and some expatriates (man, I’ve been wanting to use that word for ages) out of Cuba. Renzo Capetto, a crime boss intends to kill Sparks and conveniently blame it on El Monstruo, who he thinks is nothing more than a supersticioso myth. Oh, Renzo – how wrong you are/were.

El MonstruoThe trailer for El Monstro Del Mar can be found HERE. The trailer for El Monstruo Del Mar Encantado can be found HERE. One has tattoos, bras/panties and language unbecoming of a hired killer or secret agent. The other has a monster that looks like compost with Hostess Snowballs™ for eyes. See if you can tell ’em apart.